He loves me - so why don't I love him?

[Wandering Heart]

Thank you for your feedback. Everyone.

 

Some of it is very hard to hear; some of it is a relief. All of it leads me to believe that I have more work to do before making any final decisions. I intend to get to a therapist and begin work quickly. I don't intend to get married until I've sorted through this - if I can.

 

This forum was my first attempt at discussion with anyone - though I have alluded to him at times in our past that I had these feelings. I talked with him last night - something about the momentum was compelling me, and I had to discuss it - and he's the only one I think I should have gone to first, once I've decided that I need to take action.

 

I've hurt him badly now, and I feel terrible for what I've done. I hope that opening a discussion with him, and working on this myself with a professional can help me sort this out. But it's only fair that he knows what he's truly dealing with here, so he, too, can make an educated decision.

 

Thank you all for sharing your perspectives. Each of them was useful and helpful to me. Especially those I didn't want to hear. I needed the honesty, and I'm grateful for it.

 

Thanks also for the well wishes. I appreciate you sharing with me so I can better find my way.

[aerogurl87]

Well that just sucks. Well in the words of Allie from the Notebook, "no matter what you do somebody gets hurt." There is no easy answer for this, just questions you need to ask yourself. First, do you want to go the rest of your life living a lie, faking a love that's not really there? Secondly, do you think it's fair that you lead him on like this when he could be with someone else who could love him as passionately as he loves you? Third, could you deal with living in a loveless marriage?

 

When you can answer those questions, make a decision I'd say. It will be hard, but I'm sure you will come to the right conclusions.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it possible that you feel on some level that you don't deserve this relationship? I didn't pick up the "goes for the bad boys" vibe that someone else mentioned but there are some self-destructive aspects to what you're proposing. One would need some serious self-esteem to consider themselves worthy of the love and adoration you describe. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Stroon]

i'm glad that you have decided to talk to him about your concerns.

too often people feel they have to deal with these problems alone, which only increases the distance between you and your partner.

 

I am kind of in the same situation as you.

If i were to write all the things that have led me down this path it would take pages and pages so I wont bore people here, but just say that i understand totally what you're going through.

 

Its not as easy as stay or go, staying brings you feelings of unfullfilment and guilt, but leaving could also bring these same emotions.

 

The thing you want to avoid is regret. ah yes, we're all told to live without regrets, if only life was that easy!

if you stay, will you regret not pursuing that enigma that is eternal passionate love?

if you go, will there come a time when you realise this man truely was the love of your life?

 

As no-one can know the answer to these questions, the best course of action available to you right now is honesty.

Honesty with yourself and with your partner.

Its so, so difficult facing up to our fears, as we strive to overcome them by hiding them and hoping they'll go away, all the time lying to ourselves and our loved ones, this in itself is the thing that hurts and damages us the most. and before you know it, you dont recognise yourself in the mirror anymore.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for, and I really do wish you well.

[Uum Dunno]

Wandering heart - I am in a similar situation to yourself just now, maybe a step further along. I was with my lovely boyfriend for five and a half years. We were one of those couples who everyone else thought of as perfect (is there such a thing?). He would've done anything for me. When we met, I was 18 months out of a supremely ****ed up relationship with a man who is probably a psychopath. It was an unknown quantity for me to be with someone who treated me so well, with kindness and consideration always. Maybe too much.. we were quite different people. I am a bit of a party head, he is a sober intellectual. There was no huge passion from my part from the beginning but what we had grew into something that felt very solid and following my previous relationship, I no longer trusted those passionate feelings as anything true. Anyway, cut a long story short, I always had this feeling that would come to me every so often... difficult to verbalise exactly... a feeling that I had "just ended up" in my new relationship because it was easy and plesant as opposed to being in it because it was what I truely wanted. This feeling would go away and come back. At the start of this year it returned with a vengence... mostly because I developed passionate feelings for a completely inappropriate person. I began to find fault with everything my lovely boyfrind did although I did not say anything, he was aware that I had become "emotionally unavailable". Ten weeks ago today I ended it. He has moved out of our home. I miss him dreadfully. I still love him but am uncertain if it's the selfless kind of love that he shows me, or if it's a love based upon my need for the security of his love. The past ten weeks have been hell. I have been seeing a counsellor who helps me to make some sense of it all but as opposed to having the previous feeling of being uncertain about if we should be together, I now have the feeling of unceratinty as to whether we should be apart. Despite all this, he is willing to give it another try... even knowing that, I still don't know what to do. Don't know why I'm posting this, I don't think it will help you at all. I suppose I wanted you to know that there is someone else out there in a similar boat. It is a very difficult place to be. I thought time apart would crystallise my feelings about the situation. It has not.

[Paradok]

Hi Wandering Heart,

 

Growing up my brother always told me that it is better to be with someone who loves you to death even if you don't have the same intense feelings for than to be with someone who you love to death but can't return the same love. I never knew then that what he was saying was very wise but also very heartbreakingly hard to choose between.

 

I really feel for you. I was with my ex for eight years and most of the time it was wonderful. But I like you never felt lust for him as I believed it should be. He was such a kind, gentle man who always put my feelings first and was always supportive when I needed him to be. He too, always desired me no matter how much my weight fluctuated and helped me through a lot of bad times. Our sex life was always great also and we were best friends. But I could never get passed how feminine he was. The way he held himself and his mannerisms were a part of him that stopped me lusting over him the way I wanted to lust over someone. He always told me throughout our relationship that he loved me so much more than I loved him and that he could accept that as long as we were together, and I like you tried so hard to return those feelings but unfortunately you can't fool your heart. I always knew deep down that he was not the one for me, and even started imagining who would be the right person for him. Thinking about him with someone else always made me really upset and worried that he would be used and abused, but staying with him made me think I was cheating him out of finding his true love. We did eventually part (but are still in contact because of our daughter) and seeing the pain he was going through made me want to go back to him just to end his suffering. I tried my best to support him and he has since moved on but unfortunately our friendship will never be the same.

 

I too have also moved on with someone who gave me the butterfly feelings (it doesn't last long!) and who I have a great deal of love and lust for, but who doesn't treat me or respect me anywhere near what my ex did. No matter how much work is needed in my current relationship (and no matter how good the grass on the other side looks) I do not regret my decision. There have been many times that I have wondered if I made the right choice, and although I know that I will always love my ex, I finally believe that I have found my true soulmate. Certain problems that we have experienced have made me wonder about my choice, but my love for him gives me the strength and desire to work through anything we come up against.

 

Long story short (lol)... I think it is one of the hardest decisions that you'll ever have to make, and you may wonder if it was the correct one for the rest of your life. Unfortunately you can't undo what is done, so make sure that you are leaving for all the right reasons and not just because you think that 'the grass will be greener' somewhere else. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you find what you are looking for

[Thornton]

I too have also moved on with someone who gave me the butterfly feelings (it doesn't last long!) and who I have a great deal of love and lust for, but who doesn't treat me or respect me anywhere near what my ex did. No matter how much work is needed in my current relationship (and no matter how good the grass on the other side looks) I do not regret my decision. There have been many times that I have wondered if I made the right choice, and although I know that I will always love my ex, I finally believe that I have found my true soulmate. Certain problems that we have experienced have made me wonder about my choice, but my love for him gives me the strength and desire to work through anything we come up against.

 

I don't get this - you think this new guy is your true soulmate, despite admitting that he doesn't treat you as well as your ex did or respect you anywhere near as much? It sounds like your ex loved you but you weren't attracted to him, and now you have someone who you are in love with but he clearly doesn't love you, as evidenced by his lack of respect and good treatment. So you've switched roles from one relationship to the next - talk about karma! Neither of these guys sounds right for you imo.

 

It's interesting that you left your ex because of a lack of "butterflies" but then you admit that the butterflies didn't last long in your new relationship. So if the butterflies don't last, how exactly is your new relationship better than the old one? Especially given that the new guy is nowhere near as respectful and nice to you as your ex was?

 

*Sigh* Sexual attraction has a lot to answer for. You're in a perfectly nice relationship but you lack sexual attraction, so you end it and go off with someone who you do find sexually attractive, but the relationship is nowhere near as good. Do you think there are two types of guys... the sexually attractive sort and the loving and kind sort? Because it seems like a lot of people have this dilemma: the non-sexy guy is very loving, and the guy who they eventually dump the non-sexy guy for is very sexy but nowhere near as loving.

[Yamaha]

*Sigh* Sexual attraction has a lot to answer for. You're in a perfectly nice relationship but you lack sexual attraction, so you end it and go off with someone who you do find sexually attractive, but the relationship is nowhere near as good. Do you think there are two types of guys... the sexually attractive sort and the loving and kind sort? Because it seems like a lot of people have this dilemma: the non-sexy guy is very loving, and the guy who they eventually dump the non-sexy guy for is very sexy but nowhere near as loving.

 

A women will always stay with a man they want sexually even though he doesn't treat them near as well. As long as he has their heart she will put up with much even though he doesn't love her near as much. Men do the same thing and will put up with much more from a women they find sexy (even though she might use him and disrespect him). Feeling someone is higher in value ( sexy ) seems to be the answer for putting up with bad behavior.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think alot of women are like that... from what yamaha said a man who treats them like crap they will stay, a man that treat them like a queen they will run from because they cant be in a strong relationship without any type of drama.

 

I've seen it happen too often to not be true!

[carhill]

Feeling someone is higher in value ( sexy ) seems to be the answer for putting up with bad behavior.

 

Working on this unhealthy dynamic is key to growth and finding a healthy relationship. One has to fundamentally change what they find to be 'sexy'. Wondrous work, which is why I suggested therapy to the OP

[zoe1983]

only you know in your heart your true feelings but I thought I would share my story with you because it is somewhat similar....

 

I started dating a guy when I was 19 and he was the first guy I was ever intimate with. Like you I wasn't overly attracted to him but he liked me sooo much and so I guess i just kind of went along with it. Plus he was the first person i ever had sex with so regardless of wether i was attracted to him or not I was still experiencing things for the first time so it was still exciting. After about a year of dating we started talking about marriage and planned on getting engaged once i finished college the following year. Our situation was a bit different because he was in the military and we would only see each other for a few weeks at a time and then not again for a couple of months.

 

Anyways...right after my 21st birthday...when he got me the coolest present ever and sent me all these amazing love letters I began to realize that maybe he loved me more than I loved him. When he would come to visit we would have fun but the sexual attraction just wasnt there. I kept beating myself up about it...I was so sure that there was something wrong with me. That here was this perfect guy that loved me soooo much and I somehow couldn't feel the same in return.

 

I tried to explain it to him and he just blew me off...that went on for a few months and then finally I just broke things off with him. He started sending me flowers constantly and all these letters about how i was acting like a little kid that just wanted to see what else was out there and didn't realize that he was the one for me. He went so far as to tell me how I just wanted to go out and play with fire because i didn't know how much it would hurt and would then beg for him back. I doubted myself constantly and was so afraid i was giving up the best thing that had ever happened to me...after all he loved me soo much you know?

 

Well fast forward to now....a couple months after we broke up I started dating my now fiance and I realized that I wasn't crazy....I realized that you can have love AND that attraction and its not really fair to either person to settle for less!

 

Like I said...do what you feel is best for you but be prepared for you're boyfriend to be devestated. After the guy and I broke up I would cry for hours...not because I was sad about us breaking up but because it broke my heart to see how much i had hurt him and how much pain he was in. You really have to keep strong and just believe that there is someone else out there that is more compatible for you, and probably for him too. Ironically I am getting married next may and my ex who swore for months...even years...that i was the ONE for him is actually getting married before me! Good luck with all of this...I know its tough!