Can love be rekindled easily after it has died?

[Cho Chang]

We met last Sept when I started a new job. We became best of friends, working closely together, sharing trials and victories. It was an emotional bond, not physical. He is the most amazing human being – kind, generous to all, incredibly intelligent.

 

He was in a sexless and loveless marriage. Over the years, he felt frustrated, resentful and, finally, indifferent. Love has died. He described his marriage as empty and lonely. Like many, he stayed because she would be devastated by a divorce. They have no children.

 

In January, he asked his wife for a divorce. By then, we knew we had developed strong feelings for one another, and would like to explore a relationship together. I knew our emotional bond was very dear to him. He put my interests first, and always thought of my happiness.

 

His wife took it badly. Because he spoke so often of me, she named me as the 3rd party. He agreed to give her time to accept that love has died – at least for him. In July, he started pressing for a divorce again. During this time, we remained just friends. It was very hard.

 

All these came to a head when he discovered she might be planning to harm herself. He found knives in her bedroom. She made a will and a list detailing things like the preferred colour of her coffin.

 

It doesn’t matter what she was thinking because he believed she was capable of going through with it. During that time, he experienced very bad setbacks at work. Turning to God, he was convinced God was disciplining him for refusing to work on his marriage. He argued with God for weeks, but gave in. It was not easy – he used words like “trapped”, “resigned” and “I have no option”.

 

He asked me for support and understanding. The “deal” is that he will work on his marriage to the best of his ability, and leave the outcome to God. If love is rekindled, it’s God’s will. If the emptiness persists after he has done all he could, then all will know the marriage is not meant to be.

 

My head tells me this makes sense. He needs to know he has tried, or he will be carrying major baggage to his next relationship. She needs to know he has tried in order to accept the possibility that love is dead and they are not right for each other. Most importantly, his family will be able to see that I am not the cause of the marriage breakdown, and will find it easier to embrace me (if ever we get together).

 

But my heart misses him every day. We can’t talk now, and it hurts. I can’t imagine life without him. We connect on every level. He is The One.

 

Does anyone have any comments on how long it takes for love to be rekindled after it has died, if it is possible? Can true chemistry, intimacy and connection be created at will, after love is dead? Will he miss me? Will he forget me? When will we talk again? Will we ever talk again? How do I cope with this?

[sadintexas]

Does anyone have any comments on how long it takes for love to be rekindled after it has died, if it is possible? Can true chemistry, intimacy and connection be created at will, after love is dead? Will he miss me? Will he forget me? When will we talk again? Will we ever talk again? How do I cope with this?

 

Who knows if it can be or will be rekindled between them. He's obviously dealing with guilt and a sense of responsibility for her. This is something that HAS to be worked out before he's with you. In the end, that's the way you will want it.

 

They had chemistry, intimacy and a connection once so it's not being created at will. That leads me to believe that if they get back to their roots, yes it can happen. It just depends on how much effort each of them wants to put into it to make it happen.

 

There's no way to get inside his head to know how hard he's going to try, if his heart is really into trying, if you'll talk again, etc.

 

The way I would cope with it is this: Get on with your life. He may or may not be back. Don't cave on no contact. He will use you as an emotional crutch if you let him back in. This prolongs things. It may help for the moment, but in the long run, it will postpone him doing the work he needs to do. There's also the added factor that if he remains connected to you, he will still feel that guilt and will not be satisfied with the effort he's putting in. So it's bound to happen more than once if you don't make it final now.

 

You can date other men or not. That's whatever you want to do. Just keep yourself busy, focus on yourself and remember that you think he is a great guy and "the one" but odds are, you WILL find this again. You just have to be open to it.

[4everloveu]

I'm sorry you are hurt, but let this one go. Let him figure out and fix his M. I know it will take day, week and month to heal. But you will find it better off to leave right now than later. The longer you stay in the A, is the more heartbroken you will get. I know that there is time that you cries, can't eat, can't sleep, but it will get better. Believed me, been there and done that.

 

"HUGS"

[fooled once]

was he planning to divorce before he started the affair with you?

 

If not, then his family would be correct in assuming you interfered with their marriage.

 

He hasn't left because he doesn't want to.

 

Have you seen divorce papers? Has he been to a lawyer?

[blinded]

I can relate to you. My recent exMM had the guilt and wanted to spend his time focusing on her. I wasn't part of his plans It hurts more than my words can express. But I have to agree with the others, to let him go. I think that if you don't give him his space, then he may blame you for not being able to make things work with his W and you will never fully have him. Stick to NC as hard as it may be.

 

I ask myself the same question: when will he come back? The truth is that he may never come back. Why would you want someone who doesn't see you as being good enough? Why your feelings valued less than hers?

 

((hugs))

[bentnotbroken]

We met last Sept when I started a new job. We became best of friends, working closely together, sharing trials and victories. It was an emotional bond, not physical. He is the most amazing human being – kind, generous to all, incredibly intelligent.

 

He was in a sexless and loveless marriage. Over the years, he felt frustrated, resentful and, finally, indifferent. Love has died. He described his marriage as empty and lonely. Like many, he stayed because she would be devastated by a divorce. They have no children.

 

In January, he asked his wife for a divorce. By then, we knew we had developed strong feelings for one another, and would like to explore a relationship together. I knew our emotional bond was very dear to him. He put my interests first, and always thought of my happiness.

 

His wife took it badly. Because he spoke so often of me, she named me as the 3rd party. He agreed to give her time to accept that love has died – at least for him. In July, he started pressing for a divorce again. During this time, we remained just friends. It was very hard.

 

All these came to a head when he discovered she might be planning to harm herself. He found knives in her bedroom. She made a will and a list detailing things like the preferred colour of her coffin.

 

It doesn’t matter what she was thinking because he believed she was capable of going through with it. During that time, he experienced very bad setbacks at work. Turning to God, he was convinced God was disciplining him for refusing to work on his marriage. He argued with God for weeks, but gave in. It was not easy – he used words like “trapped”, “resigned” and “I have no option”.

 

He asked me for support and understanding. The “deal” is that he will work on his marriage to the best of his ability, and leave the outcome to God. If love is rekindled, it’s God’s will. If the emptiness persists after he has done all he could, then all will know the marriage is not meant to be.

 

My head tells me this makes sense. He needs to know he has tried, or he will be carrying major baggage to his next relationship. She needs to know he has tried in order to accept the possibility that love is dead and they are not right for each other. Most importantly, his family will be able to see that I am not the cause of the marriage breakdown, and will find it easier to embrace me (if ever we get together).

 

But my heart misses him every day. We can’t talk now, and it hurts. I can’t imagine life without him. We connect on every level. He is The One.

 

Does anyone have any comments on how long it takes for love to be rekindled after it has died, if it is possible? Can true chemistry, intimacy and connection be created at will, after love is dead? Will he miss me? Will he forget me? When will we talk again? Will we ever talk again? How do I cope with this?

 

 

So it is more important that you get accepted as something other than what you are, not really her mental health. NICE. You make the assuption that you are a person that they would want to embrace....if his crap story was true. This is on page 10 of the cheating, cowardly H handbook....I stay for_____________you fill in the blank.

[Cho Chang]

Thanks for the hugs.. Really need them today..

 

I guess I still hope because he was very clear he wanted a divorce and that love has died -- right up to the point just before he found out that she might kill herself if he forced the issue. In fact, he was was very resolute.

 

If he did not believe she was serious, he would have continued to pursue the split. He told me that if she succeeded, he would be "of no use to anyone". He would be so guilt-ridden for the rest of his life.

 

So he tells her he will stay, but to work on restoring a love bond. If that doesn't happen, then they both have to accept that the marriage is over. Staying in a loveless marriage is not an option for him.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for the hugs.. Really need them today..

 

I guess I still hope because he was very clear he wanted a divorce and that love has died -- right up to the point just before he found out that she might kill herself if he forced the issue. In fact, he was was very resolute.

 

If he did not believe she was serious, he would have continued to pursue the split. He told me that if she succeeded, he would be "of no use to anyone". He would be so guilt-ridden for the rest of his life.

 

So he tells her he will stay, but to work on restoring a love bond. If that doesn't happen, then they both have to accept that the marriage is over. Staying in a loveless marriage is not an option for him.

 

 

It most certainly is an option. Read some of the posts on here. Don't be so gullible with what he tells you. He is a proven liar. What she says and she does is all coming from HIM. Nothing about his actions would suggest he would tell you the truth. It's all about covering his own assets, literally.

[Cho Chang]

Huh? Yes, we developed an emotional bond, but this bond did not cause his marriage to break down. This bond is a symptom of the emptiness and disconnection that exist in his marriage.

 

If I am to be with someone, I would want to know and love his siblings and relatives. I did not cause his marriage to be the way it is. Naturally, I would want his family to know the truth and not misunderstand just because I happen to be there.

[Cho Chang]

Hey bentnotbroken... Staying in a loveless marriage is no longer an option for him... This is the reason why he started this difficult process of dissolving his marriage.

 

He is either going to fix the marriage. If that is not possible, he will end it.

[bentnotbroken]

Huh? Yes, we developed an emotional bond, but this bond did not cause his marriage to break down. This bond is a symptom of the emptiness and disconnection that exist in his marriage.

 

If I am to be with someone, I would want to know and love his siblings and relatives. I did not cause his marriage to be the way it is. Naturally, I would want his family to know the truth and not misunderstand just because I happen to be there.

 

 

This bond is a symptom of a man with no boundaries or respect for anyone involved....including himself. A lot of us had something missing, some still do. They handle it with a bit more maturity, than this manly man.

[bentnotbroken]

Hey bentnotbroken... Staying in a loveless marriage is no longer an option for him... This is the reason why he started this difficult process of dissolving his marriage.

 

He is either going to fix the marriage. If that is not possible, he will end it.

 

 

Uh huh. I am sure he will. Him being a martyr and all. There are a couple of them here.

[Cho Chang]

Hi fooled once,

 

He had asked for a divorce before he met me. I guess meeting me made him more resolute. I believe the divorce papers are drafted.

 

He didn't ask anything from me -- we were not in any physical relationship. Meanwhile, he was one of my greatest friends. My mum passed away in Jan, and he was there for me before and after.

[Cho Chang]

Hi bentnbroken,

 

Hmm.. but doesn't that make sense to non-martyrs as well? If emptiness persists, why stay? After all, he was determined to end it until she pulled the suicide card. He has no reason to lie to me because I don't give him anything outside the boundaries of friendship. He is not stringing me along for any favours. If he stays, it will be because he is able to find some form of closeness and intimacy (which is currently non-existent), and he will tell me so.

[SidLyon]

Yes it's definitely possible to rekindle love after it's gone.

 

Ask any couple that has got back together after years apart. Also people re-building relationships after infidelity often re-discover what it was that got them together in the first place. This is what is happening to me and my H. It feels genuine to me.

 

Whether it will endure is another matter but we are both hopeful. My H is the one pushing for us to grow old together.

 

This might not have been the answer you wanted.

[Cho Chang]

Hi bentnbroken,

 

Oh dear, I am sorry you see it this way, because the reality of my experience is quite different.

 

We certainly did not seek to connect. We were friends, and we found we shared a lot in common.

 

I believed he finally faced up to the realities of his marriage, and decided it was beyond repair. I overheard a few discussions with his family, and I know she had problems being intimate with him. I am not defending him -- he had been living in quiet desperation for years when he should have either fixed it or ended it.

[Cho Chang]

Hi Sidlyon,

 

Any answer is helpful.

 

What if there were no conflicts or infidelity that tore them apart? No rows or disagreements. Just politeness, disengagement and leading separate lives that slowly eroded the initial love. What if one partner finds it hard to be attracted physically to another? And a sexless marriage had existed for the past 10 years? is this a workable union? Can you try to create that connection if it has not existed for years, or may not even have existed?

[Cho Chang]

Thank you, 4everloveu...

[MistyK]

If he did not believe she was serious, he would have continued to pursue the split. He told me that if she succeeded, he would be "of no use to anyone". He would be so guilt-ridden for the rest of his life.

 

I don't buy his version of the story, but even if we take it as true - if he was so concerned about her safety and mental health, why did he not have her committed to a hospital or placed in counseling?

 

Let me guess, his presence alone will heal her mental health Please don't buy into this. You're smarter than this. If he was truly concerned he would have had her in the hospital or at least in some kind of treatment. So - he's either lying, or not really concerned if she does kill herself. Not attractive qualities either way.

[tami-chan]

Can love be rekindled easily? well, anything is possible. But many people stay in the marriage besides love. Maybe it's being with someone one is comfortable with, the safety net of being with someone you know so well, etc. Many stay for other reasons than "being in love"....you will learn soon that "love" is not enough to build a successful partnership.

 

Do you really want to wait around for somebody who may or may not leave his wife? Will that sit well with you? What if they would be able to rekindle their love, then how do you think you will feel? What will you do then?

 

This arrangement is not a good thing for you....you are already at a disadvantage. I think you should live your life like he is not a key player in your future, because honestly, he is not...although you think he may be.

 

Plus you know what? He seems to be a man who is easily manipulated. I bet this is not the first time he has told his wife he wants out and his wife pulls some "i cant live without you drama..." and then he folds and pacifies her. Let him do the necessary things he needs to do to fix his mess...whether to go ahead with the divorce or fix the marriage. Take yourself out of the equation.

[SidLyon]

Hi Sidlyon,

 

Any answer is helpful.

 

What if there were no conflicts or infidelity that tore them apart? No rows or disagreements. Just politeness, disengagement and leading separate lives that slowly eroded the initial love. What if one partner finds it hard to be attracted physically to another? And a sexless marriage had existed for the past 10 years? is this a workable union? Can you try to create that connection if it has not existed for years, or may not even have existed?

 

I believe that if it was there originally then it can be re-created or re-established. I think it depends on the willingness of both partners to go down that road. Also on basic underlying compatibility too. The way you describe it as a gradual moving away and leading of separate existence under the same roof certainly sounds to me that is more capable of recovery as distinct from a life full or drunken rages and violent conflicts.

 

If "love" never existed then maybe not, but one would start to question why anyone would marry without love - it is very easy to re-invent history and say that he never loved her, when realistically unless there is something very wrong with him he must have.

 

Having said all that just because it's possible (or at least I think it is) doesn't mean it's going to happen.

 

One thing I said to my H yesterday was if he had 2 women in his life (which he did) and he lavishes affection, gifts and time on one while meanwhile the other gets to cook his meals, wash his stained undies, discuss finances and the kids' education - you get the drift - which one is more likely to be more sexual with him?

 

My point is that if your man decided to give his W the attention/affection/intimate conversation that he has stopped giving her over the years then she may respond in "surprising" ways. I know I did.

[tami-chan]

I don't buy his version of the story, but even if we take it as true - if he was so concerned about her safety and mental health, why did he not have her committed to a hospital or placed in counseling?

 

Because many times threats of suicide are just that-'threats'-it is a form of manipulation. If she really wanted to kill herself she would have done so without all the drama. That said, while it is clear she needs Psych help, I would surmise that the fact that he changed his mind made it all now ok for her. It happens quite often.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't buy his version of the story, but even if we take it as true - if he was so concerned about her safety and mental health, why did he not have her committed to a hospital or placed in counseling?

 

Let me guess, his presence alone will heal her mental health Please don't buy into this. You're smarter than this. If he was truly concerned he would have had her in the hospital or at least in some kind of treatment. So - he's either lying, or not really concerned if she does kill herself. Not attractive qualities either way.

 

 

Bingo. Saint turd.

[Cho Chang]

Hi MistyK,

 

Thanks for the word of caution..

 

It is hard to commit someone against her will. I guess if someone intends to harm herself, she'll find a way. He did call her family to ask them to talk to her, and convince her that there is life beyond him. He also asked his own family to talk to her.

 

The thing is, he was pushing for her to accept that their marriage was not repairable, asking her to decide if she wants to keep the house, etc. He stopped only after he came upon knives in her room, etc.

 

Perhaps his agreeing to work on the marriage will help everyone have clarity. I am trying to see it that way, and see that what is happening is for good. We all need to know he has tried his best. If love can be found, then they should stay together. I don't want to start a relationship with him until I know he has tried his darndest, and it still didn't work.

 

Gosh, I am talking myself out of my blues! This is therapeutic!

[Cho Chang]

Hi SidLyon,

 

"If "love" never existed then maybe not, but one would start to question why anyone would marry without love - it is very easy to re-invent history and say that he never loved her, when realistically unless there is something very wrong with him he must have."

 

She was his first and only girlfriend. They met when he was a teenager and dated for 7 years before tying the knot. They were conservative and didn't have sexual relations until after marriage, so I suppose they never found out if they were compatible that way before getting married.

 

I think it all depends now on whether they can agree on how their marriage should be. As each defines connection and fulfillment so differently, they need to figure out if any party needs to change his or her needs and selves so much that one or both end up very unhappy.