jj33 Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 Cho Chang its possible. But the thing is, even if he is telling you the truth, he may stay out of loyalty. When people marry they take vows for better or for worse, even if love has died in the romantic sense, he is obviously a compassionate man and feels a loyalty to her. He would not be a bad man if he stayed for that reason alone. Its not what you want for you both, but how would you feel if he left and she did harm herself? It would not be your doing, it would be her reaction to your actions, and while you bear no responsibility for her fragility, it would be a stain on your relationship that would haunt you forever. And he might never forgive himself. Hes doing the right thing for him and for both of you if your relationship has ANY future (again I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here insofar as he may be telling you the truth). Whether this is manipulation on her part or real lifetheatening depression over the break up of the marriage, hes doing what he needs to do. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 My twopennyworth is that all relationships are different, both A's and M's. Being in any long term relationship is dammed hard work and yes it can become stale and life can be so busy that making time for each other can take second place to love and romance. When one steps outside the relationship to seek that, the long term relationship can seem stale by comparison. Reality is a bitch. The AP is having their needs fulfilled and the DP hasn't got a clue and so carries on regardless, not knowing that the relationship is in danger, due largely to gaslighting. If the AP falls in love and that love becomes more important than the long term R then I don't think that love can be rekindled so easily, if at all. In some cases of course when the realisation that the LTR is at threat because of the A love is not so much rekindled, as it can never be the same after breaking trust, but can be better, stronger and far more intimate as both look to repair the damaged relationship and do what they should have done before the A and talk and try to work it out. Of course some A's are because two people fell in love, then you would hope that the AP did the right thing by everyone and left the marriage and for the BP to find a new relationship too and stop stringing OP about too. To return because someone's mental health is in question is, frankly putting off the inevitable and is patronising and can be far more damaging in the long term. There are support services for people who are mentally ill who can help to enable the person to value themselves and hopefully, in time, meet someone who they too can have a satisfying relationship with. Personally, I am not religous so find those who say they are and then go on to have affairs hypocritical JMO. I find the notion that all BP go off sex and that the only reason people have A's is for sex very stereotypical and patronising for both BP and OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 I don't think she has a personality disorder, or it would have shown up years ago. Instead, I think there is a fair amount of emotional manipulation. MM is too close to the problem to see it, but someone so unhappy that death is a release would not have the presence of mind to leave instructions on the shoes she would like to be buried in or the preferred colour of her coffin... But I guess I can't blame her for doing whatever she could to save her marriage... Parasuicidal behavior used to avoid abandonment is one of the criteria for Borderline personality Disorder. Either way he has his hands full with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 It also occurred to me that even if he cannot rekindle love he may stay for other reasons...as many here have said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cho Chang Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 It also occurred to me that even if he cannot rekindle love he may stay for other reasons...as many here have said. For him, going back to how the marriage used to be is no longer an option. In some ways, he echoed what you said earlier. It was not sex or the lack of that caused the emptiness. It was the lack of emotional connection, which inevitably affected every part of the marriage. They have no children, he had buried himself in work for years to avoid dealing with the problem, and they have nothing much in common anymore to hold on to. There are so many variables involved in such a situation. Trying to predict the future is impossible, which is why I am going to stop. Time will tell. Life has a way of sorting itself out, and we usually worry for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 For him, going back to how the marriage used to be is no longer an option. In some ways, he echoed what you said earlier. It was not sex or the lack of that caused the emptiness. It was the lack of emotional connection, which inevitably affected every part of the marriage. They have no children, he had buried himself in work for years to avoid dealing with the problem, and they have nothing much in common anymore to hold on to. There are so many variables involved in such a situation. Trying to predict the future is impossible, which is why I am going to stop. Time will tell. Life has a way of sorting itself out, and we usually worry for nothing. Cho that is a very healthy outlook. You're right...living in the past or the future is not productive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cho Chang Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 Cho Chang its possible. But the thing is, even if he is telling you the truth, he may stay out of loyalty. When people marry they take vows for better or for worse, even if love has died in the romantic sense, he is obviously a compassionate man and feels a loyalty to her. He would not be a bad man if he stayed for that reason alone. Its not what you want for you both, but how would you feel if he left and she did harm herself? It would not be your doing, it would be her reaction to your actions, and while you bear no responsibility for her fragility, it would be a stain on your relationship that would haunt you forever. And he might never forgive himself. Hes doing the right thing for him and for both of you if your relationship has ANY future (again I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here insofar as he may be telling you the truth). Whether this is manipulation on her part or real lifetheatening depression over the break up of the marriage, hes doing what he needs to do. I agree totally! We wouldn't have worked out if he had pushed the issue. It is not the kind of LTR I want for myself -- saddled with guilt and other negative emotions, labelled as the OW by family and friends, avoiding his family and friends, etc. It will really put a huge strain on our relationship. I am not surprised so many remarriages end up on the rocks, and I don't want to be part of that statistics. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cho Chang Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 Cho that is a very healthy outlook. You're right...living in the past or the future is not productive. Thanks... has the 'present' changed for you since the last time you posted? How is MC going? Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Thanks... has the 'present' changed for you since the last time you posted? How is MC going? The present has its ups and downs. I have IC on Friday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cho Chang Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 The present has its ups and downs. I have IC on Friday. I know things will get better.. keep the faith.. Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Oh, girl you sound just like me. Do you want life to pastt you by while you keep asking yourself what if? At the end of the day what I realized is that if he went back to her and decided to work on things then you were his second choice. Doesn'tt that upset you? My ex went back to his wife after being in the last stages of divorce. So there are no guarantees. If love is really not there between them he would not have gone back. While I am not saying what he feels for you isn't real, whatever he feels for you he feels more for her because he placed her feelings and her needs above yours. Its hard to look at things this way but sometimes its necessary Link to post Share on other sites
Luckyluss Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 [i don't give a rats a?? as to what others say about making their marriage work...most of the time it does not...once its dead....its dead. So for all the OW & OM, hang on...it will work out in your favor most of the time. You are so right Cianne. I wanted to say for myself that once love is dead it IS dead. It usually take a long time to die...Some people talk of breaking points. We all have one, or several. If this has happened, there is no way in the world that love can be rekindled. Now - how long will the husband wait to realize and decide to act on it is another story....when and if ever. Cho Chang, it's up to you to see how long and if you will wait. Some people can and other can't. Because as you said, things work out the way they should in most cases, take the optimistic view that Cianne has shared... Many people on this forum may not agree but many marriages do end up in divorce, anf formerly married people become available, so I hope that you get what you want in the end! Link to post Share on other sites
howcouldInotknow Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 [i don't give a rats a?? as to what others say about making their marriage work...most of the time it does not...once its dead....its dead. So for all the OW & OM, hang on...it will work out in your favor most of the time. You are so right Cianne. I wanted to say for myself that once love is dead it IS dead. It usually take a long time to die...Some people talk of breaking points. We all have one, or several. If this has happened, there is no way in the world that love can be rekindled. Now - how long will the husband wait to realize and decide to act on it is another story....when and if ever. Cho Chang, it's up to you to see how long and if you will wait. Some people can and other can't. Because as you said, things work out the way they should in most cases, take the optimistic view that Cianne has shared... Many people on this forum may not agree but many marriages do end up in divorce, anf formerly married people become available, so I hope that you get what you want in the end! Its not necessarily a case of things being over between your MM and his wife. Its a matter of the toll waiting takes on a person's self esteem. I agree usually once its dead its dead. BUT if it takes him 5 years to realize this should she wait, no. How can you want to put your life on hold to wait for this man while he moves forward with making his marriage work, while he moves forward with HIS life. You don't know if he is coming back and you also dont know whether if he leaves his wife will he be the same man you were in love with, further more you aren't asking yourself will he want to be with me?? I am not berating anyone because a month ago I was in the same situation and I chose not to wait because I believe that I come first and I come second and I come third. I am what is most important. Being there to pick up him up when he realizes his mistake and falls flat on his ass is not important to me especially when he made a choice and you were not his choice Link to post Share on other sites
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