mr_roggger Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 It is apporaching the end of the 4 weeks I said I would give myself before initiating contact with my ex again since I last called her. (She was a little annoted the last time I called her, but the time before that she was fine and said that we could maybe meet up in 2 or 3 weeks...that was over 4 weeks ago now. Anyway, I feel that I have started to get over this, well, I am at least not needy anymore, and feel that I could continue in my life without her if absolutly necessary, although it would break my heart (even further) if we could not be together. I am still very interested in getting back with her someday (maybe just good friends who go out and have lots of fun first, for a month or two?) Well, now that the time I said I would call her again is rapidly approaching, I am actually feeling a little tense and nervous about it. What should I say? What will she say etc.? I figure that I should be happy, not being up the relationship, talk about light-hearted stuff for 5, maybe 10 minutes and then when the conversation is going well ask her if she would get some lunch with me at the weekend. I hope that this time apart, space, has let our relatioship heal a bit, time for her to see that i have changed (I actually have, but I dont want to tell her that, I want her to see it herself). I hope this means that she will at least be willing to meet me (to have what I hope to be a fun afternoon together). What does anyeone think about this? Once again, thanks for your help! Link to post Share on other sites
nygeneral Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I think it depends on what you want to do. If you are willing to get hurt again and drag this out than I would give her a call. But you should understand that she is holding all the cards and will for a long time. You have to accept that she is going to say things that will really hurt you and you may not understand why. She will not be true to her word and not be sympathetic to your pain. She may not return your phone calls or want to talk for extended periods of time. Think of it as her way of testing you out to see if you really have changed. It may be like this for a long time and you will most likely get extremely frustrated. You will question why you are putting yourself through this and if it is really worth it. Or you can not call and get even stronger. You are probably not too far away from completely getting over her. You will then be in a much stronger position with her or someone else who enters your life. I'm in a very similar situation and have held off calling for 3 weeks, minus one surprise visit. I am trying to hold out for a few more weeks and hope that with the holidays coming up she will be more eager to want to spend time with me. And even though I know what's coming, I will call her again, get hurt again and start the healing process all over. It is more comfortable to continue to do this than to accept my life without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_roggger Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 I am not that close to getting over her, but I realise now that I don't need her and that there are plenty of other people out there. However, there is still only one person I want to be with. I dont think I will get hurt as much no matter what happens as I have prepared myself for her saying no to me. I am not expecting her to be sympathetic to my pain, that is my problem, not anyone elses and I would not wish that burden upon anyone. As for her holding all the cards, I guess that is still true although the cards she holds in her hand are more like 4 Queens now rather than 4 Aces as I am "getting" over the past. Hope you know what I mean! Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
nygeneral Posted November 25, 2003 Share Posted November 25, 2003 I think you may be closer than you think from an outsider's perspective, since you were able to not contact her for 4 weeks. I don't think you can prepare yourself for the talk you will have with her. You said yourself "you are still very interested in getting back with her someday" I think it may hurt just a litttle if she tells you that she doesn't feel the same way. As you know 4 Queens can be just as effective as 4 Aces. Especially if she has the ability to call your bluff. I only say this because a few weeks back I thought that I was close to moving on. I called to ask her to lunch and she said no. I got upset and before I knew it I was begging for her back again. I know what you mean but also want you to be prepared for battle when you go in. When are you going to call her? I would be interested to know how the conversation goes. If I were you I would not ask her to lunch or for anything else. I would just keep a friendly conversation In other words, don't give her a chance to call your bluff. Make her believe that you can really survive without her. Maybe have a few good conversations first and then ask her to lunch. In short, don't make the same stupid mistake I made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_roggger Posted November 25, 2003 Author Share Posted November 25, 2003 Very useful. I shall think more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_roggger Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 Well, I called, and we chatted for 20 mins before I asked her out for lunch. She said yes. We had to re-schedule for dinner, but I don't mind. We chatted for a further 10 mins. I am pretty pleased with the outcome thus far, but I am not getting my hopes up. We are meeting as friends in my opinion, which is probably hers too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_roggger Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 I called today to confirm our dinner together on Thursday ( it was only pencilled in). We had to re-schedule to Monday (once again pencilled in but we both said Monday was good and I am pretty sure that she will be free then). This unsettled me a little, but as I have said time is a good thing and what's 4 days extra on the schedule of 2 months! I am thoroughly looking forward to going out with her, and we have planned where we are going and what we are eating (this also makes me think monday is more definate!) We talked for a further 20 mnutes after discussing this, once again, all happy, positive and light-hearted with laughing etc. I forgot to mention that last time I called to ask her out to (what was) lunch (then - later to be dinner) she said yes straight up...no hesitation, no hmm's and haw's. It was as if she was expecting me to ask, but also wanting to go out with me which I interpret as a very positive sign! I am thinking that maybe she misses me a little now, and is thinking that maybe I am not quite so bad after all! Your thoughts are appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 I am glad that things are working out for you. Have you thought about what you are going to say? Do you ever wonder if the other person is missing you as much? I always wonder this and I hate it..b/c I am always pessimistic and think that he doesn't care and is probably happily moving on with life..especially since he is a guy..it always seems to be easier for the guy...*sigh.. Link to post Share on other sites
KitWalker Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Sarah, i wonder that same exact thing for my ex-girlfriend every single day!!!! I wonder also if she thinks about "us" in the past, us in the future or if she's made a mistake or if she's not thinking about us at all and happy to be single on the lookout for someone else! ITs maddening, the trick though is not to let 'silly' thoughts enter your head otherwise you will feel sad and upset. Why think "she/he prolly moved on" when you can still think "She is missing me and we'll work this out"...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_roggger Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 Its nice to remain optimistic, but you must be truthful with yourself and be prepared to hear things you don't want to her in order to grow stronger! I hope she misses me. Link to post Share on other sites
MoneySells Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 My girl friend of 5 yrs broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. and man what a hard 5 weeks. Trying not to call her after being best friends, lovers, roomates and all the other things, is really hard. I never thought it was going to happen, I even bought an engagment ring, planned a vacation to surprise her on Xmas, and was going to ask her this month to marry me. I tried not talking to her, and i think the most i got up to was maybe 8 days. Because she would call me to ask what i'm up too. She's the love of my life, the girl i've loved more than any girl before. We were so committed we actually bought a house together during the summer. How things spun out of control was hard to figure out, so i stopped doing that. I understand your pain, and flustration about all this, because I would SO want to be with my girl again. BUT there is someone else that got her thinking (actually its more like brainwashing from the way he talks to her), and now they are together. AND here is the killer part, she only is into him because of his personallity, and just hangin out with him. The sex, is horrible she says, and can't have an orgasm. This coming from a girl that is sooo easy to pleasure. A friend says she's not into him, and thats her way to telling herself something. Its hard to hear those things, but you want to know whats going on too. Holidays are coming and you are lucky to spend time with you ex. First time in my life, i won't be spending this happy time with anyone i truely love. I guess its good we are still talking, and she is receptive to me and understanding. There are times when she only wants to hang out with me, but i know i shouldn't do that, but damn it feels good. Afterwords when she pulls that I just want to be friends stuff, HURTS. The cards are truely in her hands, TIME will only tell in things like this. Time sucks but it makes you better and stronger, even though you will hurt everyday. I won't be over her, thats a fact because I wanted to marry her, but who knows what will happen now. Could be 3 month to 3 yrs you never know. I just need to get my life back on track, keep busy and do my thing. As hard as it is, thats what you have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 I have never been in a relationship longer than a year, and it makes me sad to hear people's stories of breaking up after 5 years. How do break ups like that happen? Don't you figure that after 5 years, you'd know the person well enough to know whether or not you love them? I have fallen out of love before but it all took place within a year..do you think it is possible that the people who break up after so long may not have tried hard enough to make things work? I mean, if you have been together for 5 years, is there not enough friendship/love/companionship/care in there to want to work things out? that it would be possible to have what you had once again?? These are just some random thoughts...... Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 Other people, internet fantasies, boredom, marrying too early, money problem. But barring those, I think people are not willing to try. They expect everything to be like the first few months of their relationship forever and they never give it a real chance. Link to post Share on other sites
MoneySells Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 something strange happened today, I haven't talked to her in a few days, haven't really seen her in a week, but out of the blue she called me from work and asked whats up, how i've been doing. She just talked to me one the phone about her work, and how's she's trying to do a better job at work to make more money. Its strange because just the other day, she called me and said she just wants to be friends, nothing more, and don't call or email anymore. But yet, i get these mixed signals about what she wants to do. Sarah, yeah 5 yrs was a long time, we got to know eachother like no other. Everything became like second nature on how to please, and take care of eachother. There is plenty of the love/friendship/and stuff to give a chance of hope. She tells me she misses my friendship, my comfort zone. She tells me this guy is no where near satisfying as i was. I totally remodeled our home, and during that time, i may have perhaps not showed her the attention or love i normally did. And this a**h*** guy, sees that ,and since being a girl, any huge effort of affection makes them fall for that. This guy is such an ass, he's been tellin her he loves her from day one. Which she says its kinda scary. But the more time i do keep my distance, i see her real feelings, and she wants to spend time with me. THe more I push and call her everyday, the more she gets more stand offish. I'm back in shape again, making more money now than I did a month ago, due to a new job. I've changed, but it was all because i had her suport when i started all this. When she sees me she goes.. WOW you look great.. like really HOT. She's got alot of mix emotions in her head, and hopefully she figures them out. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 5 years is a LONG time..I think that somewhere inside of her, she knows that she wants you back, she just needs to figure that out for herself. She obviously does not care about this new guy as much as you do...I mean, when the sex is bad, that usually means there is something wrong about the relationship. It scares me to know that people have long term relationships like this and they end up not working out. I don't know..I was recently involved with a guy who had an ex of 4-5 years and that was really scary. We ultimately ended things because he felt guilty about dating so soon after the break up (he was over her for a long time before the break up), but it really scared me when we were together that he would go back to her or something even though he kept saying he would never do that, whether or not he was with me. But I was still bothered by it and I don't think I would ever get over the idea of the long term ex, if i ever date another guy that has a long term ex! (sorry that was so confusing) Link to post Share on other sites
MoneySells Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 she's told me, he's extremely jealous of me, because of that fact. he knows that you can't just scrap 5 yrs so fast, and our connection can't be broken. I was talking to a friend, that i haven't talk to in a long time, and she said same thing happened to her, during this year. It was scary how exactly the same things are happned. she basically said that to give her space and don't be so quick to call her to tell her exactly what you are doing. Because if she knows what i'm doing all the time, then she won't get curious. I was totally like whoa when she was telling me all this, the guy is the opposite of me, as a so called set career, same thing she did too. When her and her b/f broke up he moved back with his parents, hey so did I. she was like this is a scary case of deja vu. But she said the key is don't look like you need her, and give her space. it took her 4 months to figure this out, and she came running back to her b/f. Now they are more happy than before. Hopefuly, what advise she gave me will help. She really gave me a good sense of hope, and if she doesn't come around, then it never was meant to me i guess. She was all.. only answer on the 3 call. Not every call, and don't go over to hang out when she asks all the time. I was like.. OK i can do that. she also said she'll realize what a mistake she's making, and this guy really isn't all he's cracked up to be, and when the novality wears off.. she'll come back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_roggger Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 So, as I suggested, not appearing needy is good. It worked for someone! You have to change your outlook on things and not rely on youe ex making you happy, you dont NEED them, you just want to be with them. That is very hard to contemplate I know, and I am having a job myself, but in the long run it looks like a good idea. Link to post Share on other sites
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