OW Getting Jipped

[2sure]

This is specifically for single OW having Affairs with MM. In a previous life, I was single OW having had several A's with MM. The first one happened by "accident" meaning I wasnt looking for it, but found myself in a relationship with a MM. As is typical of the OW/MM I was at a vulnerable point in my life, single mother, financially struggling, had stress, a bit lonely. MM was at a point in his marriage where he was looking to be more appreciated, validated, sex had slowed down...typical for the mid life of a marriage.

 

After awhile, I realized that he was living a great life, the one I wanted. A nice house, took care of his wife, family vacations. AND had me to fulfill his ego both sexually and emotionally. I wasnt even seeing anyone else.

Meanwhile, I was still struggling in every aspect.

 

So, I ditched him and started "dating" MM with the specific intent of having both. Enjoying the attention, affection, friendship AND having someone who cared about me show me by helping me out and making my life easier. Paying my rent, buying me cars, etc. Now, I enjoyed all of these men, it wasnt as though I did not find them attractive or enjoy their company. I gave them my exclusive attention, I was available according mostly to their schedule (being single, it was easy for me) and they truly enjoyed the relationship...some claimed it enhanced their whole life. So, these relationships - like all relationships were a partnership of sorts with some commitment from each partner.

 

I dont understand why most single OW are willing to give up so much, to take on the commitment and inconvenience of an affair with a MM...simply because they love them. If he had real feelings for you...wouldnt he want to take care of you in some way..in whatever way he could, to show HIS commitment in the only REAL way he can?

So...I dont get that.

 

Also, I dont get: Why is what I have done considered closer to prostitution or more morally bankrupt , less justifiable than an affair that happens accidentally or one with no exchange other than love? There are all kinds of affairs, all kinds of reasons...but why is one in which the OW is given more than inconvenience , more than words...considered worse..both by OW and by BS?

[2sure]

Well, Owl - you know that clearly, I get the wrong of it.

 

But what I find frustrating, in discussing affairs with single OW is the fact that they get nothing but inconvenience.

[LakesideDream]

Owl, to be fair I've never read that Lizzy accepted expensive gifts, or stipends from her men. I could be wrong on this as I'm sure I haven't read all her stuff, and she is a prolific contributor.

 

Lizzy sounds like she's in it for the thrills to me.

[2sure]

For example: What if an Affair starts accidentally ...at say, the office.

Continues for several years because both APs have true feelings for each other. Seeing as this is now a long term relationship, the MM starts taking her on extravagant vacations she would otherwise never be able to afford. Is she now his prostitute?

 

Or , is their love truer because she declines the vacation saying No, no...take your family?

 

And I'm not being obtuse, I have pondered and been frustrated by this ssince reading about the OW here on LS.

[LakesideDream]

For example: What if an Affair starts accidentally ...at say, the office.

Continues for several years because both APs have true feelings for each other. Seeing as this is now a long term relationship, the MM starts taking her on extravagant vacations she would otherwise never be able to afford. Is she now his prostitute?

 

Or , is their love truer because she declines the vacation saying No, no...take your family?

 

And I'm not being obtuse, I have pondered and been frustrated by this ssince reading about the OW here on LS.

 

 

An expensive vacation, or extravagant dinners doesen't make you a prostitute. Concubine? Mistress? Maybe.

 

Having a MM pay your rent and expenses.. in our U.S. society, that's something else altogether. Much closer to prostitution IMO. It's not much of a leap either... MM comes over for some good company and exciting sex, leaves a check for the rent on the table. Not a hard connection to make.

[Owl]

Owl, to be fair I've never read that Lizzy accepted expensive gifts, or stipends from her men. I could be wrong on this as I'm sure I haven't read all her stuff, and she is a prolific contributor.

 

Lizzy sounds like she's in it for the thrills to me.

 

She's mentioned in previous threads that she "accepts gifts" from her MM on occasion.

 

That's the only reason I do consider her actions as a "second profession".

 

But I would say that she does it equally for enjoyment and the other things she gets from these men. This sounds very similar to what 2sure describes as well.

[TogetherForever]

Boy, all of this makes my relationship look like the perfect one.

[MistyK]

I dont understand why most single OW are willing to give up so much, to take on the commitment and inconvenience of an affair with a MM...simply because they love them. If he had real feelings for you...wouldnt he want to take care of you in some way..in whatever way he could, to show HIS commitment in the only REAL way he can?

 

Interesting that you say that. xMM used to say that he wanted to give me money because he knew he couldn't be there for me and it was the only way he could be there for me. He knew it made my life a lot easier, especially as I was really struggling on the heels of my divorce. I told him that it bothered me to think that he could "buy" me - I would much rather have him actually there with me. But I accepted it was the only thing he could offer at the time. I NEVER asked for a dime. He got most of my debts paid off and I got some nice things, but I still would have rather had him be present in those times. I did take his efforts at making me more financially comfortable as a sign that he cared and had affection for me.

 

Also, I dont get: Why is what I have done considered closer to prostitution or more morally bankrupt , less justifiable than an affair that happens accidentally or one with no exchange other than love? There are all kinds of affairs, all kinds of reasons...but why is one in which the OW is given more than inconvenience , more than words...considered worse..both by OW and by BS?

 

It's not. That would be the same as saying that any woman who takes a gift from a boyfriend she's sleeping with is being a prostitute. For whatever reason, people seem inclined to call her a wh*re when her boyfriend happens to be married. I don't think you've participated in prostitution in any shape or form. (Of course, this all assumes that such gifts are not given for the expressed purpose of being in exchange for services, and are just gifts).

[2sure]

Affairs cost OW who is alone, with no partner quite a bit more than they cost MM who is not leaving his marriage. To Any MM who is not leaving the marriage - the OW is an extra. Meanwhile, to many single OW ...MM becomes the main event.

 

Thats pretty damn giving. And OK, if both partners are good with the status quo, and she isnt hoping he will leave...he should show his committment in the ways available to him. Just like he does in his REAL LIFE. I dont think this is cold or unrealistic. I think accepting nothing but words and a few moments...is way more degrading.

[LakesideDream]

She's mentioned in previous threads that she "accepts gifts" from her MM on occasion.

 

That's the only reason I do consider her actions as a "second profession".

 

But I would say that she does it equally for enjoyment and the other things she gets from these men. This sounds very similar to what 2sure describes as well.

 

 

"On occasion" is a far cry from having one's rent paid. I don't remember her talking about "expensive" gifts either. But, it's probably a question Lizzy should answer for herself. She'll probably chime in... I'm sure her ears are burning.

[GorillaTheater]

An expensive vacation, or extravagant dinners doesen't make you a prostitute. Concubine? Mistress? Maybe.

 

Having a MM pay your rent and expenses.. in our U.S. society, that's something else altogether. Much closer to prostitution IMO. It's not much of a leap either... MM comes over for some good company and exciting sex, leaves a check for the rent on the table. Not a hard connection to make.

 

2sure, you know I adore you.

 

But I've got to go with Lakeside here.

 

I guess the question is whether "prostitution" is somehow more unethical than engaging in an affair for any other reason, and I'm not sure it is.

[MistyK]

I think the real problem is the people in general seem to have difficulty accepting that affairs are not just about sex. If it's just about sex, then I can see why there is a leaning towards thinking it's an exchange of services. But, at least for most OW, it's not just sex.

[Owl]

"On occasion" is a far cry from having one's rent paid. I don't remember her talking about "expensive" gifts either. But, it's probably a question Lizzy should answer for herself. She'll probably chime in... I'm sure her ears are burning.

 

No worries, LSD. Lizzie and I have discussed this ad nauseum...she knows well my thoughts, and vice versa.

[TogetherForever]

I think the real problem is the people in general seem to have difficulty accepting that affairs are not just about sex. If it's just about sex, then I can see why there is a leaning towards thinking it's an exchange of services. But, at least for most OW, it's not just sex.

 

 

Where's the clapping hands smiley???

Thank you MistyK!!!!!

[2sure]

Oh yeah. Not just about sex, at all. I can tell you that for the MM I was with it way more about conversations, etc than it was about sex. Sex by itself peters out without the rest. They werent looking for sex, they were looking for validation, emotion.

 

And dont forget...although I was looking specifically for MM, they were also looking specifically for an affair. MM who want an affair are limited almost solely to women who are vulnerable to some degree, in some aspect. Maybe even just vulnerable to him, as in a crush. Strong independent women do not date MM. So, I was still vulnerable. Better yet, I was single and vulnerable - without the restrictions of my own relationship. Perfect for MM. So, I fit his profile...I was just simply more aware of HIS manipulation than single OW caught off guard. The dynamics were all the same.

[TogetherForever]

Oh yeah. Not just about sex, at all. I can tell you that for the MM I was with it way more about conversations, etc than it was about sex. Sex by itself peters out without the rest. They werent looking for sex, they were looking for validation, emotion.

 

And dont forget...although I was looking specifically for MM, they were also looking specifically for an affair. MM who want an affair are limited almost solely to women who are vulnerable to some degree, in some aspect. Maybe even just vulnerable to him, as in a crush. Strong independent women do not date MM. So, I was still vulnerable. Better yet, I was single and vulnerable - without the restrictions of my own relationship. Perfect for MM. So, I fit his profile...I was just simply more aware of HIS manipulation than single OW caught off guard. The dynamics were all the same.

 

 

Yes they do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[2sure]

TF- I know there are no absolutes, I'm not narrow minded regarding any relationship. So, good for you.

 

I just honestly feel that for women having affairs with MM that they should expect more. Some commitment, some show of caring, of being taken care of. In any relationship being taken care of often includes financially in some way. Gifts, one being the main bread winner, etc. Why should it be different in YOUR relationship with MM? Certainly, he feels obligated to take care of his family, those he loves including his wife. You cant share his home, or christmas, or your birthday. But youre there, just in case he can get away. Why shouldnt he feel some obligation to you...espcially when his hands are so otherwise tied because of "circumstance."

 

He is getting all of you here. Your getting just a small piece of him. You try to make sure to not even be an inconvenience to him, because you understand. You care about each other.

 

I mean, expecting nothing...while he goes home to everything. That feels right?

[TogetherForever]

TF- I know there are no absolutes, I'm not narrow minded regarding any relationship. So, good for you.

 

I just honestly feel that for women having affairs with MM that they should expect more. Some commitment, some show of caring, of being taken care of. In any relationship being taken care of often includes financially in some way. Gifts, one being the main bread winner, etc. Why should it be different in YOUR relationship with MM? Certainly, he feels obligated to take care of his family, those he loves including his wife. You cant share his home, or christmas, or your birthday. But youre there, just in case he can get away. Why shouldnt he feel some obligation to you...espcially when his hands are so otherwise tied because of "circumstance."

 

He is getting all of you here. Your getting just a small piece of him. You try to make sure to not even be an inconvenience to him, because you understand. You care about each other.

 

I mean, expecting nothing...while he goes home to everything. That feels right?

 

I have never expected nothing. Our relationship is now & was different.

We are & have been together for over 9 years now.

 

 

 

I guess I wish for all so-called ow to have the same as me.

[Athena]

I just honestly feel that for women having affairs with MM that they should expect more. Some commitment, some show of caring, of being taken care of. In any relationship being taken care of often includes financially in some way. Gifts, one being the main bread winner, etc.

 

In the five languages of love, one of them is Gifts -- getting gifts makes the person FEEL loved! Perhaps that is true for you, while for Other Women, getting Attention, Time, or Sex is true for them.

[2sure]

In the five languages of love, one of them is Gifts -- getting gifts makes the person FEEL loved! Perhaps that is true for you, while for Other Women, getting Attention, Time, or Sex is true for them.

 

Yes, I was just thinking that. I know I am not morally bankrupt and I know I am not a prostitute! But yes, it seems pretty clear my perception is different than most. What seems obvious and right to me...actually seems wrong to others. Just figuring it out...like everyone else.

[2sure]

To ME:

 

Being home alone saturday nights, missing him, and not having a full partner to share my life with...were not compensated by, but made easier by....

 

Driving around in a sports car fully paid for. Just made it easier to take than...I dont know, whats the alternative? Nothing?

[LakesideDream]

To ME:

 

Being home alone saturday nights, missing him, and not having a full partner to share my life with...were not compensated by, but made easier by....

 

Driving around in a sports car fully paid for. Just made it easier to take than...I dont know, whats the alternative? Nothing?

 

 

You lost me here 2sure. I offer you luck. You situation doesen't seem to be a winner to me... but hell, if it works for you, I'll just shut up.

[2sure]

I guess the question is whether "prostitution" is somehow more unethical than engaging in an affair for any other reason, and I'm not sure it is.

 

 

BINGO. Thats it. That might be the question I was asking myself. You know, I think I cut to the chase...but you are very good.

[Athena]

 

 

BINGO. Thats it. That might be the question I was asking myself. You know, I think I cut to the chase...but you are very good.

 

Please elaborate on the insight you got from G.T., 2sure... so how do you see the issue now?

[2sure]

You lost me here 2sure. I offer you luck. You situation doesen't seem to be a winner to me... but hell, if it works for you, I'll just shut up.

 

 

No, its not my current situation . A past one for me but a current one for many. I made the thread simply to ask the question. Ive had cause for some self reflection recently, and I have found....the more I learn, the less I know...about lots of things, myself included.