I was in the hopspital after my date last night

[Thaddeus]

Thinking about you today, Dreamer. Hope you're feeling well.

[Trialbyfire]

Hope you're feeling better today, dreamer. If you're not in the mood to post on LS but need to get things off your chest, PM me. We're here for you.

[Odyssey]

oh dreamer. Hope you're feeling a little better today.

 

My friend Jamie have been suffering from AD for over 10yrs now. Every time he feels it surging up inside him, he'll rush outside. I don't take his outbursts to heart because i know that's not the REAL him. Yes, it's shocking, but once people know about it, they'll be more understanding.

...If your guy has any heart, he will understand.

 

take care of yourself.

[dreamergrl]

How did you come up with the conclusion that that's what she was intimating, Dreamer? Sunshine said no such thing.

 

Rather, she said that given the chronology of events, the thought of losing this guy may have been a trigger. That's it, and chronologically speaking, it makes sense. So maybe it was the trigger. If so, that's terribly troubling - that you'd cut yourself over a guy you barely know.

 

After reading more since I last posted, I'm tending to agree with everyone else... that it's likely not AD that's really involved here.

 

Really given the order of events, I blacked out well before he said it was over. So that's not what triggered it. It was something in the bar.

 

I may be an emotional girl, but I'm not going to play surgeon on myself because someone doesn't want to see me. Again, I've felt so much more heart ache - and all I did was cry my way through it, and analyze it to death.

 

I was reading my papers from the Doctors last night, before I went to bed (and had a very peaceful 10 and a half hour sleep), and they as well labeled me with AD - knowing the cut and all.

 

For the person who listed a previous thread of mine, yes I remember that clearly, I remembered that I cried. I'm an emotional person to begin with it. I've always been emotional. When I get stressed, the tears just start flowing. That is how I am. I can either chose to go on an anti depressant (which leaves me feeling nothing - and that's my experience) or at least be able to feel things. When I'm on an anti depressant, I feel cold towards everyone, and I don't like that.

 

Also, that thread was back in Wisconsin. I'm in a different place now - physically and mentally. I remember one day I was just walking, and everything felt as though it was no longer on my shoulders. I felt peaceful and free. I wasn't worried about my past mistakes, I forgave myself. It was the best thing in the world.

 

A lot has happened since I've moved here. Some stressful things, a lot of excitement, new people, new work, new home - and someone can tell me all they want that I'm making it, but I wake up every day happy. Even this morning, even with my wrist hurting, and knowing what I knew, I woke up telling myself things will work out. I look forward to each day. Now, I'm going to go back and read the other posts and see what everyone had to say Thanks for all the great support everyone.

[Crimson Tide]

Hope you feel much better soon and back to being yourself.

[Ariadne]

I wouldn't rule out a spiked drink yet, it sounds a bit too much for a panic attack especially cutting your wrist with the butter knife.

 

I know.

 

According to her she was already feeling much better, and then she doesn't remember anything:

 

After a few hours I was feeling back to par

shooting pool with people he knew while he was finishing

That's when my attack must have hit me full force

because I don't remember anything til we were at his house

I would have stopped drinking, but I was feeling a lot better

I had like four drinks, I can handle my liquor beyond that with no issue

flash forward to what I remember next

Me sitting on his steps clutching my bag

[caramel c]

This sounds very serious and I wish and pray for you to get the help that you need to get through this sickness.

[Ariadne]

Even this morning, even with my wrist hurting, and knowing what I knew, I woke up telling myself things will work out. I look forward to each day.

 

Yeah, nothing too terrible happened and the wrist is not going to show probably once it heals.

 

In any case, that guy didn't handle things very well. Didn't show much care and dumped you when you were feeling terrible.. so maybe it's all for the best.

 

At least you are in a new beautiful place and have lot of things going.

[dreamergrl]

http://thebrokenbrain.blogspot.com/2005/04/cutting-away-anxiety.html

[laRubiaBonita]

DG-

can you call the bar and see if they can tell anything? i would think i would remember a bar patron blacking out (if you did) at the bar i worked at....

 

if they cannot tell you anything out of the ordinary was witnessed at least you would know whatever may have happened wasn't a "public scene".

[dreamergrl]

DG-

can you call the bar and see if they can tell anything? i would think i would remember a bar patron blacking out (if you did) at the bar i worked at....

 

if they cannot tell you anything out of the ordinary was witnessed at least you would know whatever may have happened wasn't a "public scene".

 

I was thinking about that, but I'm in a way fearful too. I think I'm just going to send a short email to A - very short - mainly to get the pieces filled in - and if something seems off I'll call the bar.

 

I think I'll simple say..

 

A, I am sorry you had to go through all that with me Monday night. Given that my severe AA cause me to lose memory of certain times of the night, it would be very helpful to know what exactly happened, so I can consult with a doctor and learn how to prevent this if it happens again. It's very uncommon for me to have such a terrible attack, and I want to do what I can to prevent going through it again.

[AlektraClementine]

Dreamer,

 

So glad that you got a good night's rest! You're receiving lots of support here and I'm so happy about that. You're a strong lady and I know you'll get through this.

 

Sending lots of good thoughts your way:)

[dreamergrl]

Well I sent it off, we'll see what happens. Hopefully he can fill me in and I can start putting my night back together.

[Island Girl]

Well I sent it off, we'll see what happens. Hopefully he can fill me in and I can start putting my night back together.

 

No matter what -- whether he replies or doesn't Dreamer - you have nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL.

 

And if you do not get answers for those holes - you can still move forward and have every reason to.

 

{{{{Dreamer}}}}

[Star Gazer]

I was reading my papers from the Doctors last night, before I went to bed (and had a very peaceful 10 and a half hour sleep), and they as well labeled me with AD - knowing the cut and all.

 

I don't see how it's possible for them to have a bona fide accurate diagnosis on something so incredibly complicated from one night's stay in a hospital, where you spent the majority of your time there sleeping under a sleeping pill. Your guy probably relayed what you said about AD, and maybe you said it yourself, so they included it in your medical chart.

 

In reality, they don't know, and we don't know, what's really wrong here. We all want to see you get the help you need, Dreamer... and as much as we're not trained psychiatrists, most of us think that this incident goes far beyond an anxiety disorder. It sounds like something much more serious to everyone who's reading this.

 

Keep in mind that none of us (well, a couple, I suppose) know you personally, so the conclusions people are reaching it's personal. Rather, we're going on what you've described what happened here, and in other events.

 

Also, that thread was back in Wisconsin. I'm in a different place now - physically and mentally.

 

...which got me to thinking. You had those episodes when you moved back to WI, and now you're having episodes after moving to CO. Have you moved around alot? Do you notice that these episodes seem to occur with big life changes?

[Star Gazer]

No matter what -- whether he replies or doesn't Dreamer - you have nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL.

 

And if you do not get answers for those holes - you can still move forward and have every reason to.

 

{{{{Dreamer}}}}

 

This really cannot be overemphasized.

[Trialbyfire]

No matter what -- whether he replies or doesn't Dreamer - you have nothing to be ashamed of AT ALL.

 

And if you do not get answers for those holes - you can still move forward and have every reason to.

 

{{{{Dreamer}}}}

I totally agree with this!!

 

Also, whether he responds or not, doesn't make him a good or bad guy. He's just a guy who you've been dating for a very, very short time.

 

So, focus less about him and more about you.

[dreamergrl]

I'm scared of what those wholes will be. I've only had one severe attack before, but I remembered the entire thing. It was with a previous boyfriend. I was about 25. Something had freaked me out, and I went in defense mode. I was assuming things were being said that wasn't (like I was hearing what was being said in a different way), things that I fear. I said defensive things back. My breathing was all skewed and I was very shaky. I wasn't responding to anyone anymore, I just kept trying to focus on my breathing and calming down. Eventually I was calm enough to sit and meditate, and eventually fall asleep. My boyfriend then, he knew to either let me be, and let me calm myself down, or console me.

 

Confrontational type conversations don't work well when I'm having an attack. I wonder if my AA led to opening up my insecurities that I've been controlling, which led to an argument.

[dreamergrl]

 

 

 

...which got me to thinking. You had those episodes when you moved back to WI, and now you're having episodes after moving to CO. Have you moved around alot? Do you notice that these episodes seem to occur with big life changes?

 

I've had these 'episodes' for the last 5 years. Actually, I don't recall any in Seattle, with the exception of feeling a little anxious on the bus.

 

Wisconsin holds the worse of it until now. And this is the first time I've had one here. In Wisconsin I'd have them more frequent, but a lot less severe.

[Trialbyfire]

dreamergirl, it's also possible that with this attack, your perceptions of what you did and said, have been magnified to worse than they really were. We all do that to some degree, AA or not.

[Star Gazer]

I've had these 'episodes' for the last 5 years. Actually, I don't recall any in Seattle, with the exception of feeling a little anxious on the bus.

 

Wisconsin holds the worse of it until now. And this is the first time I've had one here. In Wisconsin I'd have them more frequent, but a lot less severe.

 

So that sounds like 3 places in less than, like, 2 years?

[dreamergrl]

So that sounds like 3 places in less than, like, 2 years?

 

I don't hold 'getting a little anxious on the bus' to the same degree as like what happened Monday. That's like comparing apples and oranges. I couldn't even compare getting a little anxious on the bus to many of my attacks. Such as losing my keys. Feeling anxious and and acting on the anxious are two different things. It wont matter where I am. It's a part of me. And my AD has been much better out here.

 

Some can try and tell me I'm masking it, but I love my life here. Just because someone loves their life does not mean they are immune to an AA. I'm not depressed. I've been depressed before, and treated for it. I know the difference.

 

dreamergirl, it's also possible that with this attack, your perceptions of what you did and said, have been magnified to worse than they really were. We all do that to some degree, AA or not.

 

So maybe something happened, and I made it out to be worse? Or something happened and if felt worse because I was having an AA?

[Trialbyfire]

So maybe something happened, and I made it out to be worse? Or something happened and if felt worse because I was having an AA?

Either or both. Don't you ever recall a conversation with someone, where you kicked yourself for saying something, wishing you had said it another way, with the perception that whatever you said, wasn't the perception you wanted to give? Then, the next day, talking to an observer of the conversation, where they had no probs following what you intended.

 

Stuff like this happens all the time. Particularly if you think about it a lot. Most people, including myself, are our own worst critics.

[loveslife]

I don't hold 'getting a little anxious on the bus' to the same degree as like what happened Monday. That's like comparing apples and oranges. I couldn't even compare getting a little anxious on the bus to many of my attacks. Such as losing my keys. Feeling anxious and and acting on the anxious are two different things. It wont matter where I am. It's a part of me. And my AD has been much better out here.

 

Some can try and tell me I'm masking it, but I love my life here. Just because someone loves their life does not mean they are immune to an AA. I'm not depressed. I've been depressed before, and treated for it. I know the difference.

 

 

 

So maybe something happened, and I made it out to be worse? Or something happened and if felt worse because I was having an AA?

 

DG, she was asking if you've lived in 3 place in 2 years.

[Star Gazer]

DG, she was asking if you've lived in 3 place in 2 years.

 

Right, sorry, I thought that was clear.