How Can I Stop Bombarding My Ex With Calls?

[Lucy Loverheart]

PLEASE HELP! I KEEP ON CALLING AND HARRASSING MY EX-BOYFRIEND....

 

Please help - I split with my ex boyfriend four months ago. It was a serious relationship, we lived together and we split up when he fell out of love with me and started to cheat. I am an attractive girl, I have friends, a supportive career and a succesful career. I know that he is not the one for me and I am aware that during the last six months of our relationship that he treated me awfully. I know that I could do better than him but at the the moment I feel so lonely and seem to have got myself stuck into some sort of self-destructive downward-spiral.

I call him all the time - calling him does not make me feel better at all as he is never particularly nice when we speak. I keep on latching on to the idea that we might be friends (why??? this guy is a total jerk!). I have not told anybody abput my repetitive calling (I'm too ashamed!).Sometimes I call in excess of 40 times a day - I feel sick as I dial his number and often don't even know why I'm calling him in the first place.

 

How can I stop doing this? And how can Istop myself from experieincing these relapses - I just want to get on with my life.

 

Advice would be greatly appreciated!!! x x x

[tattoomytoe]

JUST DO NOT DO IT !!!

 

easier said than done...but really stop, do not call him, call a friend when ever you feel you need to call him... or write a letter but do not mail it...or send the loveshack a message!

[moimeme]

Sounds like you're falling into a pattern of obsessive behaviour. You might need a counsellor to help 'unstick' you.

Know that you could go to jail for harrassment. That in itself should stop you. At some point, your behaviour can be considered stalking, which is illegal.

 

Put bags over all your phones that say 'Harrassment is ILLEGAL'. Find something else to do to substitute when the urge hits. Go outside and walk around your house or go clean something up. You have to stop before you get in trouble.

[Lucy Loverheart]

thanks for the advice - i needed someone to tell it to me like it is.

 

i really do believe this time that i will stop calling him. your reply made me realise quite how unstable and self-destructive my calling him really is. at the risk of sounding big-headed i have a lot going for me, i have friends, a careers, a few admirers and am happy with how i look. what, in that case do you think it is the propells me to call him constantly (even when i have nothing to say to him). why the obsessive behavoir when deep down i know the guy is an idiot????

[flsgirl]

I agree with Moimeme, Have a friend confisgate your cell phone or try to be with friend or family member at all times. I was with a friend constantly and I would rely on her to help me from doing it. Go exercise or do something productive when you start feeling the urge to call.

 

No offense, but to your ex you seem like the "crazy psychopath ex." If you really do want to be friends with him (for whatever reason), excessively calling him is not the way to go about it.

I'm thinking counseling is the way to go. It helped me deal with a lot of underlying issues I had with my ex and made realize that our breakup wasn't necessarily a bad thing. You said yourself that he treated you poorly.

 

I have come a long way since my breakup (four months). I thought my life was over and I couldn't go on without him. I was reluctant to go to a counselor. I was embarrassed. However, my therapist helped immensely. It helps to talk to someone who's objective and won't judge you in any way. If you are in school, you can go to your health center and they offer free counseling services. Even your local planned parenthood office may offer discounts on counseling. Check it out, I promise it will help.

 

Goodluck

[Lucy Loverheart]

thank you - i shall seek out a therapist. i am re-assured by what you had to say. are you and your ex friends now? i don't really want to remain friends with mine.and you are right - i am sure my ex see's me as being some complete basketcase! but what is important is how i view myself and clearly i can't be feeling too great right now to keep on carrying out these ritualistic phone calls and abusing myself in this way. when you split up with your ex were you regularly calling him too then?

[tattoomytoe]

lucy you do not need to say you are being big headed by listing your positive attributes. and it takes time to get over someone especially if you cared for them so much. but each time you call it will take that much longer to get over it....and you may still have feelings for him, you are allowed to, but don't call. also be careful not to get the next guy as a replacement... just take time to reconnect with you, do what yuou like to do, not by yourself necessarily, but With yourself, or other friends who love you cause you are you.

[SoleMate]

Lucy -

 

Ask your therapist about Paxil or another drug that is used to treat OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). It's used for those who hate their self-destructive repetitive behaviors (like hair pulling, scratching, handwashing). I bet just a few weeks will help you get control over this. Some pure counselling will also be helpful. You can and will beat this - pick up the phone right now and get an appointment ASAP!

[Lucy Loverheart]

thank you for the advice - are there side-effects to he drug such as insomnia and do you know if it available in the uk? how long were you on it yourself? and what were you taking it for exactly?

[GIZMO]

I myself am on a pill, it is Paxil, The side effects were I was sleepy for about a week and I was not that hungry, but now I am back to normal.

I was the same way, I use to call my ex and all, drive past our old house where he is currently living.. I know its hard, and I guess I would call him to see what he was doing, seeing if there was another woman at the house, to see if he sounded like he missed me.. And every time I would call I would get off the phone in tears.. So I went to a council and I got myself on medicines to help me, and it does work.. I was so stressed out my face was even breaking out with a ton of acne.. I was a mess... I look a lot better now and I feel pretty good about myself..

But, if I were you, I would go and try Paxil.. It really does help..

[moimeme]

These drugs are almost miracles. I have attended a couple of very good seminars lately about neurochemistry. Utterly fascinating stuff. There's a book by Candace Pert called "Molecules of emotion : why you feel the way you feel". It explains some of this stuff. Some problems are caused by flawed thinking but a lot are due to neurochemical imbalances and that people came up with drugs to fix these imbalances is just great IMHO.

 

Gizmo, I'm delighted to hear you're doing better!

[GIZMO]

Paxil is not addicting that is what I like about it.. But I know that the Paxil is helping me get through a lot of changes in my life.. I know pills or drugs should not be used to just solve a problem, but in a lot of ways, it is helping me out more then ever.. I know that if I was not on Paxil I would still be in bed crying all of the time.. I can not look back at the relationship and think about how my ex really treated me.. and in all honesty I still miss him, but I think I miss someone to come home to me, other then that, this break up was for the best.

 

I also went and talked to a councilor and he helped me understand things about myself I never knew.. I did not tell anyone I went to see a councilor.. that is for me and no one else to know, but it did help and I know it can help you out as well...

 

I know that when you first break up with someone you only think about the good moment's rather then the bad moments, but trust me, it does get better, I promise.. We all have our ups and down days, but the sky does light up again..

 

And there is also a million fish in the sea, why cry over someone that does not love you the same way, ya know.. Find someone that can treat and love you just as you love your partner..

 

I know a break up is hard, trust me, just read my other posts, cry and grieve, but try and move on so that way you can find Mr. Right..

A lot of people are looking for what you are, so don't think you will be single forever, because I can almost promise you that you will not be..

 

Good Luck..

Gizmo

[DonTomaso]

Hi Lucy. I exprienced the same thing as you when my ex and I broke up. Once I had the idea in my head that I wanted to be friends with my ex, I could not stop contacting her and kept trying to make the friendship work.

 

I finally was able to stop calling her when I realized that she could in fact file some sort of harrasment suit against me. So I called her one final time and left a very business like message on her answering machine that said someting to the effect of: "I apologize for bombarding you with phone calls, but the last thing I want to do is end up in a legal battle with you. Good luck and I wish you the best."

 

I'm not saying that you should employ the same method that I used, but you need to rationalize it to yourself in this manner.

 

Just thank your stars you did not marry this man because this sounds like it would have eventually been a very messy divorce that would have ended up in court. It could still end up in court, but at least children and splitting of assets won't be involved... just some mild embarresment. Of course you can always counter file with a defemation of character law suit if he does file a harrassment charge.

 

I honestly don't think it would ever come to this, but thinking in these terms might help you sort through this in your head. Do you really want to have to hire a lawyer just to try to mend a friendship? Of course not!!!

 

This jerk already cheated on you. I don't think his future love life bodes very well if he is a cheater and can't communicate with someone who cares about him.

 

On a positive note, you will come out of this whole experience with a wonderful new perspective on love and life. You are obviously a very caring person and it will serve you wonderfully in the future.

[Lucy Loverheart]

Don Tomaso

 

thanks for the advice...it's funny you should suggest that! after sending a ridiculously threatening text message to the arsehole ex i came to my senses and left a voice message along the lines of "i clearly have issues calling you like this and i am seeking out a therapist to help me deal with this.i want to get my life back on track and i won't be calling you again as i am aware that this is harrassment. please do not take this any further and i promise to keep my part of the deal."

 

i guess i got really frightened after reading all your messages - the thought of being charged with harrassment freaked me out! beside im taking a job abroad next febuary and i did not want a court ruling ruining my chances of getting a visa! plus i am so embarrassed by all of this i would die of shame if it got out and any of my friends knew about this - a girls got pride after all!

 

 

i think you can all understand how hard it is to go from living with some one, sharing their friends, doing everything together etc to not seeing them at all and being completely frozen out - it's hard.

 

I would still be interested in knowing however what it is that drives us as individuals to act like this - my ex is a major jerk and treated me awfully. speaking to him makes me feel worse etc...yet why was i calling him? what sort of re-affirmation could i have been looking for?! that is something i want to understand more and get to the bottom of. maybe it is some sort of attachent issue i have, or maybe it's because i am a complete sado-masichist! my dad did die of cancer two years ago as we started dating and i did recently have an abortion (his - obviously!), perhaps all this contributed to my erratic behaviour. maybe seeing a therapist would help. i used to be fairly level-headed and i guess this break up signalled some sort of mini-breakdown (which thankfully im coming out of!).

 

relationships hey? who'd have one i ask you!!!!

[sweng3764]

I was in a similar situation, although I didn't call my ex as much after the breakup. He, too, cheated on me after we had been together for five years. He also treated me pretty badly during the last six to nine months of the relationship, and I was thinking at the time that it wouldn't work out and I should break up with him.

 

I think I still wanted contact with him post breakup because of the way we broke up. If it had been me who had initiated the break-up, I think I would have been able to handle it better. But, because he broke up with me, I just couldn't seem to let him go. On those occasions when I did call him, I always felt horrible after talking to him and would kick myself in the a$$ for ever picking up the phone.

 

Maybe it has something to do with having control of the situation. When somebody breaks up with you, you've totally lost control of the situation and there's nothing you can really do about it. That in itself is enough to drive somebody nuts!

 

Anyway, that's just my opinion.

[SoleMate]

are there side-effects to he drug such as insomnia?

All drugs have "side effects", but only a small percentage (believe it's about 2%)of people taking Paxil stop taking it because of the side effects.

 

do you know if it available in the uk?

Yes, it is available under the Paxil name.

 

how long were you on it yourself?

About 9 months the first time, 1 month this time.

 

and what were you taking it for exactly?

Depression. It worked great, and I also was pleasantly surprised to see improvements in my (minor) problem with obsessive acts (counting things), irrational fears (swimming alone) and social anxiety. There are definitely some issues with Paxil, involving use in children and dependence, but for me, it has been a wonder drug.

[meanon]

There is a very high success rate for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) in the treatment of OCD, particularly if combined with drug treatment. In the UK you can be referred by your GP to the Community Mental Health Team who will assess you and discuss treatment options. There is a long waiting list for CBT in some parts of the country for NHS treatment but you may be able to go private. You should be able to get the drug treatment much sooner.

 

I have to say I would not assume it is OCD unless there is a history or pattern of obsessive behaviour/thought patterns in other areas of your life. I know many people like you who have difficulty coping with the end of a relationship (even if it was a bad one) who become depressed and call the ex repeatedly. The fact that you had an abortion may make you particularly vulnerable to this. I would suggest you see your GP. You may respond well to a short course of treatment and never be ill again. If the behaviour/feelings persist there and there are underlying issues then you may need therapy. Maybe there are unresolved issues from the abortion or low self esteem (a common trait associated with high achievers who have OCD).

 

The phone calls had to stop but now you have taken the first step to get help I think you should have every confidence that you will recover soon as long as you get the help you need.

[Lucy Loverheart]

sweng 3764

 

naturally you are right. i was dumped and treated awfully and i get i was left feeling helpless and out of control. you feel so totally rejected and adopt the ridiulous attitude of if he does not want me...well no one will - so you strive for some unknown reason to try and get them back. for the longest time after the split i was on some dumb mission to see if i could make him miss me and more importantly say "sorry."

 

i don't want this guy back but i do (if i admit it) want to him to realise the error or his ways, come running back tail between his legs begging for me back for me to turn around and say get lost and reject me. obviously this little day dream of mine will never materialise and i need to move on.

 

never mind revenge the best thing i can do is form an indifference towards him.

[Lucy Loverheart]

Meanon,

 

Thanks for your advice - i do not think i am suffeing from OCD either. besides this insane phone stalking of late i have been partaking in of late. i don't believe i show any other signs of obsessive behaviour. i don't feel the needs to carry out rituals or routines and im not obsessive about anything other then my break up. some basic counelling would hep and maybe a short course of anti depressants would help too.

[BraveGirl]

Dear Lucy,

 

You are not alone.

I've done the same and it has felt like a compulsion, but I am not obsessive in other things. Well, enthusiastic, but not like this.

 

I have been guilty of bombarding my ex with calls and messages in the past. I feel ashamed and it makes me feel that there must be something wrong with me. It's a horrible feeling.

 

I know when I have done it it has been becuase I've felt very badly treated and /or ignored. My feelings of fury and 'How dare you...!' drove me to an uncontrollabe silent rage when I just HAD to try to speak to him. The more he ignored the more compelled I became.

 

With the final break up 5 weeks ago I haven't done this. I've felt compelled, but after the first week stopped. I couldn't bear him thinking of me as a mad woman.

When they have had the last word and dumped you there is certainly a compulsion to contact. I feel it every second.

 

I suppose I hope that by not contacting him he will think better of me in the long run. I have also just started taking anti depressants.

[moimeme]

One of our posters recently posted that he was suffering from 'situational' OCD - he was doing the same thing; obsessing about an ex. So apparently there is such a thing!