12 years....Is there any Hope?

[becky2009]

I have been best friends with MM for 12 years, we work together and have been very close over the years about a year and half ago we started a PA and are completely in love with each other.

 

In the last year I have pressured him to make a decision one way or another on what he is going to do. There was a minor Dday concerning phone calls but she is not aware of anything else.

 

This has been back and forth, time and time again he would come to me and say he did not want to be in his marriage but did not know how to end it - he has two children

 

Finally he left and after 2 weeks freaked out about the kids and the guilt

SO he has decided to "try" to work on his marriage for the kids and then he will at least feel he has done everything he can before leaving.

 

When I think back over the years, we have had an EA for 10 years, this became even more in the last year

For the last 2 months the only communication we have is about work and it has been limited. He is completely depressed and is not functioning well at all (I'm not either)

 

My problem is I do not believe for 2 seconds he is going to be able to make his marriage work. I have HOPE! I think he will leave her. I know his heart is not in it to stay!

My mind tells me to move on and let it be, but my heart knows we should be together and will be together

 

Is there any chance of this working out?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess it depends on what you mean by 'working out'. My guess is that he is going to do whatever it takes to maintain his marital status quo, and continue his affair with you. When given a choice, MM generally like to choose 'both'.

[bentnotbroken]

I have been best friends with MM for 12 years, we work together and have been very close over the years about a year and half ago we started a PA and are completely in love with each other.

 

In the last year I have pressured him to make a decision one way or another on what he is going to do. There was a minor Dday concerning phone calls but she is not aware of anything else.

 

This has been back and forth, time and time again he would come to me and say he did not want to be in his marriage but did not know how to end it - he has two children

 

Finally he left and after 2 weeks freaked out about the kids and the guilt

SO he has decided to "try" to work on his marriage for the kids and then he will at least feel he has done everything he can before leaving.

 

When I think back over the years, we have had an EA for 10 years, this became even more in the last year

For the last 2 months the only communication we have is about work and it has been limited. He is completely depressed and is not functioning well at all (I'm not either)

 

My problem is I do not believe for 2 seconds he is going to be able to make his marriage work. I have HOPE! I think he will leave her. I know his heart is not in it to stay!

My mind tells me to move on and let it be, but my heart knows we should be together and will be together

 

Is there any chance of this working out?

 

You have hope he will leave his family for you, nice. You actually on know what he wants you to know. You had a d-day, his chance to come clean, to tell her he was in love with you and not her. He had his chance to walk out the door, all he had to do was admit the truth...Did he? Nope, you said so yourself. What does that tell you? Cake eating, fence sitting, ego boosting jerk. 12 years of waiting for another woman's life to fall apart so you can pick up the pieces. Now imagine yourself in her shoes, how would your actions appear to you?

[becky2009]

I agree with you, this was not the right thing to do, and it should have NEVER escalated to where it is, but I can't change what has already happened. I can only do what is right going forward which is why I did not continue the friendship this is work only.

You are also right about him having a chance to come clean and leave at that time and he did not. I don't know what to think anymore, I have been crying more than anything else, I really thought he was sincere in his promises.

I also NEVER asked him to leave for me, I asked him to make a decision and stick with it.

[fooled once]

I have been best friends with MM for 12 years, we work together and have been very close over the years about a year and half ago we started a PA and are completely in love with each other.

 

In the last year I have pressured him to make a decision one way or another on what he is going to do. There was a minor Dday concerning phone calls but she is not aware of anything else.

 

This has been back and forth, time and time again he would come to me and say he did not want to be in his marriage but did not know how to end it - he has two children

 

Finally he left and after 2 weeks freaked out about the kids and the guilt

SO he has decided to "try" to work on his marriage for the kids and then he will at least feel he has done everything he can before leaving.

 

When I think back over the years, we have had an EA for 10 years, this became even more in the last year

For the last 2 months the only communication we have is about work and it has been limited. He is completely depressed and is not functioning well at all (I'm not either)

 

My problem is I do not believe for 2 seconds he is going to be able to make his marriage work. I have HOPE! I think he will leave her. I know his heart is not in it to stay!

My mind tells me to move on and let it be, but my heart knows we should be together and will be together

 

Is there any chance of this working out?

 

Time to move on.

 

I don't get why so many women think that these men are being held hostage at home. They aren't.

 

If they wanted out, they would get out.

 

Why don't so many women see that???

 

MOVE ON - he is married. Do you want to be the reason he ends his marriage? Do you really think you and he will be able to even have a relationship? Do you realize his kids will never accept you if they know (and they will find out) that YOU are the reason mommy and daddy aren't together?

 

IF he does leave, he needs to be on his own for a minimum of 6 months before you two START at the beginning and date.

 

But seriously, MOVE ON.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree with you, this was not the right thing to do, and it should have NEVER escalated to where it is, but I can't change what has already happened. I can only do what is right going forward which is why I did not continue the friendship this is work only.

You are also right about him having a chance to come clean and leave at that time and he did not. I don't know what to think anymore, I have been crying more than anything else, I really thought he was sincere in his promises.

I also NEVER asked him to leave for me, I asked him to make a decision and stick with it.

 

 

Why wait on him? You make the decision and stick with it....walk away and don't look back. Better yet, run like you are wearing gasoline underwear and you are standing next to an open flame.

[whichwayisup]

In the last year I have pressured him to make a decision one way or another on what he is going to do. There was a minor Dday concerning phone calls but she is not aware of anything else.

 

Men who divorce their wives, are ready to do so before they cheat. Honestly, it just seems like you two connected, and feelings are there, but not enough for him to give up his wife and family, start a new life with you. Which means no matter how much he may love you, he isn't going to give up anything. He's probably OK with you being the Ow so he can still has his life intact at home.

 

He's selfish! He lied to his wife, probably threw you under the bus which is why the D-Day wasn't much.. If he really did plan on leaving her, he would have done so already.

 

Sorry, I know you're hurting.. Do your best to start detaching from him..Stop relying on him and start focussing on your healing.. Grieve and try your best to let go. You deserve MORE and he isn't the guy who can give that to you. I bet you want your own family..Kids, the house, a life with someone..Why waste love on some married guy who has no plans on ever leaving his wife and kids?

 

You decide. Make the choice and stick to it, no matter how much pain you're in. Imagine waiting for him for another 2-3 years? What a waste of your life.. Please, end it and move on.

[Devil Inside]

Becky...don't wait for him to make a decision....go ahead and make your own.

 

I know that it is scary to think of a future without him...but do you want to risk living a life with him like this forever.

 

Leave him. Let him figure out his life. When he can show you the divorce papers then there is a chance.

 

Good luck.

[Chapter2]

12 years...that's such a long time to be in limbo. Its sad, but nothing anyone says can change your thinking until you "see" it for what it really is. You are teaching him how to treat you. He knows you "hope" even though the hard road has not even begun. His wife has also taught him how to treat her. If she has any idea about the two of you and is continuing to stay with him without drawing hard and fast boundaries, she is in for more pain and he'll know he can get away with it.

 

I really do know how you are feeling and I am not judging you in any way. Honestly. I'm several years on the other side of it now. I know that your relationship is unique, as was mine. No two are alike and I won't try to tell you they are. But...it is true that your relationship has been built on a foundation of dishonesty. No matter what you say, do or think...that alone will impact every single aspect of your relationship with this man for the rest of your life (if you end up with him). Until you hit your bottom with him, you won't believe your relationship with him could be anything but destiny. Please don't hear me saying you are not of value. You are. You are valuable enough to have one man that absolutely INSISTS that you alone are the ONLY woman for him. To settle for anything less is self destructive at the least.

 

I hate to see anyone in the midst of the pain of all of this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy because I know how much it hurts. Would you consider counseling? Do you have friends that can support you?

 

My hope for you is freedom from the belief you have to share. You don't.

[joyz]

My problem is I do not believe for 2 seconds he is going to be able to make his marriage work. I have HOPE! I think he will leave her. I know his heart is not in it to stay!

 

 

but he has for 12 years and he is still married. he is either not that unhappy in his M or he has very high tolerance for unhappiness. either way u look at it is not good.

 

what's best for u is to stay away from this situation until he is D. that's really the best option u have.

[4everloveu]

Your story sound like my friend, the only different is he waiting on a MW for 10 years. Staying in hope that she will leave her M. She just string him along for all this years. Make him think that she not happy at home and have no one to talk if he leave her. So, the A carry on and D-Day hasn't found out by her H yet.

[2sure]

Well, you and he have , for the last 12 years been undermining his marriage. His wife knowing about anything or not is not relevant to that fact.

 

That being said, his marriage is not good. But he is attempting to try after having left and found that isnt what he wants to do. Unless he tells his wife what was undermining their relationship in the first place...chance of full recovery will be slim. While you continue to work together, chance of his continuing the affair Will be high. Chance that he will leave the marriage voluntarily? He did that already and went back. In fact I would say he is trying SO hard this time because he is the one that wants desperately to stay - not the wife.

 

What have you been doing the past 12 years that an EA with him was worth waiting for?

[boldjack]

Becky, I think the question you have to ask yourself is, how long are you prepared to wait on this man? Another 12 years? I don't know how old you are, but do you want to spend most of your adult life being the OW, to a selfish, MM? In my opinion, you need to find a way to get resolution , right now. You are wasting your life. But it is your life to waste.

[becky2009]

Things went to **** today..

He came to talk to me and the discussions continued throughout the day. He says he doesn't know if he loves his wife? He is confused, he says he is trying but cannot get past his feelings for me, he has never had a friendship with his wife....etc...

 

Anyway I tought about this and at the end of the day I said we cannot continue to talk about this, if you decide to end your marriage and have the papers in hand you can come talk to me but until then we cannot talk about anything other than work.

 

This was VERY hard, he has been my best friend for 12 years

I don't know if I will ever be able to get past this

[becky2009]

What I mean by an EA for 12 years, is we have been best friends and looking back this was more than what a MM should have been to another woman. I did not think of it that way until after the last year and thinking back we were WAY closer than we probably should have been. We developed a very close relationship over the years.

 

I do have my own children as I have been a widow for many years (a young widow)

[movingforward]

Becky,

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I know how hard it is to move on, trust me. And the fact that you work with him must be horrible.

 

It sounds like you made a good decision in what you told him. Don't cave. But I also would caution you to NOT welcome him into your life with open arms if he does leave.... let him be on his own for a while. That way you'll know for sure that he is making the decision because his marriage is truly over and NOT because you are conveniently waiting in the wings.

 

Good luck. And take care of yourself. I know the stress can be brutal.

[bentnotbroken]

What I mean by an EA for 12 years, is we have been best friends and looking back this was more than what a MM should have been to another woman. I did not think of it that way until after the last year and thinking back we were WAY closer than we probably should have been. We developed a very close relationship over the years.

 

I do have my own children as I have been a widow for many years (a young widow)

 

 

He isn't your best friend. Friends don't put you in a position like that for 12 years. Friends don't want you hurt in any way at all. This is a cake eating donkey who was only thinking of himself and his ego.

[KismetGirl]

Time to move on.

 

I don't get why so many women think that these men are being held hostage at home. They aren't.

 

If they wanted out, they would get out.

 

Why don't so many women see that???

 

MOVE ON - he is married. Do you want to be the reason he ends his marriage? Do you really think you and he will be able to even have a relationship? Do you realize his kids will never accept you if they know (and they will find out) that YOU are the reason mommy and daddy aren't together?

 

IF he does leave, he needs to be on his own for a minimum of 6 months before you two START at the beginning and date.

 

But seriously, MOVE ON.

 

 

:::shrug::: thats not all entirely true. I have known men who said they stayed in marriages for the kids, and claimed they would divorce as soon as the kids were X-years old, and true to their word, the same year the kids got to be a certain age, they divorced their wives. But they waited, because in their mind, they were better as dads if their kids had at least 15 years of memories as a single family unit.

 

never in all my time here will i ever understand why people make blanket statements about anyone. No two people are the same, and whether it makes logical sense to you or not, people are often fearful of change, and divorce is a HUGE change in life. Even if they think they love someone else....hell, they probably thought they loved their wives enough to marry them, so they might be wondering if giving up their comfortable lifestyle for an unknown is a wise decision. I know I would be hesitant, not that I ever hope to find myself in a marriage of that sort.

 

And as for kids never accepting her, with all due respect, more blanket statements that arent true. My parents divorced when i was about 12, and my father had another woman, who has now been his wife for 15 years. My mother also had another man, and they've been together 12 years. As any kid, I felt it was my duty to hate the new step parents for "spltting" my parents up, but I grew to accept it, and I love my step parents now, I really do. All I want is for my parents to be happy. So maybe as a 12 year old I wasnt thrilled about it, but I got over it when I saw my parents began to be happy again. Life works in weird ways....sometimes i wish they had stayed together, but if they had, I wouldnt have my half-siblings, who I adore with all my heart. So you know what....life is what it is. Saying someone's kids will never accept you is largely false. Kids often reflect upon their parents. My mother never said a bad word about my father in front of us, even though I knew what he did. Not a one. She was kind and encouraged a continued relationship with my father, and thanks to my parents amicable relationship with one another despite their personal problems and infidelity, I have perfect relationships with, and maintain a very close family to this day.

 

Just saying. it's never all or nothing, and most things aren't black and white, and are not the same for every person.

 

This board can be good for support, but I hope that people that come here take this advice witha grain of salt, i really do....they need to make the best decisions for their own personal situations, and that's it.

 

Ciao

[fooled once]

:::shrug::: thats not all entirely true. I have known men who said they stayed in marriages for the kids, and claimed they would divorce as soon as the kids were X-years old, and true to their word, the same year the kids got to be a certain age, they divorced their wives. But they waited, because in their mind, they were better as dads if their kids had at least 15 years of memories as a single family unit.

 

never in all my time here will i ever understand why people make blanket statements about anyone. No two people are the same, and whether it makes logical sense to you or not, people are often fearful of change, and divorce is a HUGE change in life. Even if they think they love someone else....hell, they probably thought they loved their wives enough to marry them, so they might be wondering if giving up their comfortable lifestyle for an unknown is a wise decision. I know I would be hesitant, not that I ever hope to find myself in a marriage of that sort.

 

And as for kids never accepting her, with all due respect, more blanket statements that arent true. My parents divorced when i was about 12, and my father had another woman, who has now been his wife for 15 years. My mother also had another man, and they've been together 12 years. As any kid, I felt it was my duty to hate the new step parents for "spltting" my parents up, but I grew to accept it, and I love my step parents now, I really do. All I want is for my parents to be happy. So maybe as a 12 year old I wasnt thrilled about it, but I got over it when I saw my parents began to be happy again. Life works in weird ways....sometimes i wish they had stayed together, but if they had, I wouldnt have my half-siblings, who I adore with all my heart. So you know what....life is what it is. Saying someone's kids will never accept you is largely false. Kids often reflect upon their parents. My mother never said a bad word about my father in front of us, even though I knew what he did. Not a one. She was kind and encouraged a continued relationship with my father, and thanks to my parents amicable relationship with one another despite their personal problems and infidelity, I have perfect relationships with, and maintain a very close family to this day.

 

Just saying. it's never all or nothing, and most things aren't black and white, and are not the same for every person.

 

This board can be good for support, but I hope that people that come here take this advice witha grain of salt, i really do....they need to make the best decisions for their own personal situations, and that's it.

 

Ciao

 

Kismet,

 

I AM divorced so I know the process and I divorced when my son was 6 so I KNOW about divorcing with kids

 

And just like YOU are entitled to your views, I am entitled to mine. Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

In MY mind, the kids will never accept her. Period.

 

in MY mind, if you are so miserable in a marriage, DIVORCE. Don't cheat. Why is that even something that people think is acceptable? Why is cheating and lying more okay than a divorce?

 

Just differences in our morals and views *shrug* And in many ways, I do live in a black and white world - right and wrong - MY VIEWS.

 

And yes, I was involved with a MM for 2 years before the whole "You must be a BS" stuff starts. I have never been a BS.

 

My ex didn't cheat on me and neither has my husband.

 

I guess it is all in how we as individual grow up, what we are raised to believe, etc. etc.

 

We are all entitled to our views.

 

Thanks!

[KismetGirl]

PS- to the OP and her original question (apologies on my ramblings....), I don't think anyone here can tell you. I know in your heart you want someone to tell you not to worry, that he must really love you, that he is just scared, that maybe one day he will leave....but no one here can tell you that, because no one knows him, nor you, nor his wife, nor anything else about you other than these plain typed words.

 

I could tell you that in my opinion, it is unlikely he will leave as his feelings for you become sort of irrelevant when compared wit the guilt he appears to have over splitting up his family. He had his chance to leave, but he didn't. Does that mean he doesnt love you? No. it does mean, I think, that he is not ready to change the majority of his lifestyle, and he perhaps never will be.

 

I feel your pain in ways that are completely impathic , nearly. It's times I wonder if I will ever be in love with anyone again the way I was (and still am, sadly) with my xMM. I go through life, I go on dates, and I try to remain optimistic that a better match for me is out there somewhere, without kids, without a wife, who can devote himself to me. Sometimes its hard to believe, but I havent got any choice right now other than A) sitting and waiting my whole life for him to feel comfortable enough to change his or B) live my own life, possibly meet someone new, and MAYBE, maybe, one day he might change his mind and if he's lucky, I'll still be single. But something tells me I wont be, by the time he wants to change, if ever. I may love him forever, but maybe its not meant to be.

 

if I was you, i would accept that he answered your question for now. You gave him a chance to break out, and he hasn't taken it, so essentially you have your answer already don't you? You don't like it, I know. Hell, I didn't like it when it happened to me either. But that's our reality and you can't force him to change, he'll only resent you if you do. You need to assume that, wonderful as you are, sometimes love doesn't compare to family.

 

Also, you've known him a long time, but I have to say, it will be harder for you to deal with this if youc ontinue as friends. If you think you can go back to being platonic, then bless your heart, but that's generally not always possible when there's been emotional involvement on both ends.

 

I really do wish you luck, but I don't think you're going to get the outcome you want anytime soon, and I don't think you should spend your life waiting for him. Live life as you would have if he wasn't there, as if you'd never fallen in lvoe with him (easier said than done), but do it. Date, meet new people, and if you find yourself loving someone new, consider if a blessing. If your MM is lucky enough to realize he has a chance at love while you're still available, then fate will do its job, and if he doesnt...it wasnt meant to be. Best of luck to you.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet,

 

I AM divorced so I know the process and I divorced when my son was 6 so I KNOW about divorcing with kids

 

And just like YOU are entitled to your views, I am entitled to mine. Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

In MY mind, the kids will never accept her. Period.

 

in MY mind, if you are so miserable in a marriage, DIVORCE. Don't cheat. Why is that even something that people think is acceptable? Why is cheating and lying more okay than a divorce?

 

Just differences in our morals and views *shrug* And in many ways, I do live in a black and white world - right and wrong - MY VIEWS.

 

And yes, I was involved with a MM for 2 years before the whole "You must be a BS" stuff starts. I have never been a BS.

 

My ex didn't cheat on me and neither has my husband.

 

I guess it is all in how we as individual grow up, what we are raised to believe, etc. etc.

 

We are all entitled to our views.

 

Thanks!

 

Don't want to t/j

 

Never said you cant have your own views, just said I had a different one ;-)

 

And I was once the kid of parents divorcing, and Im telling you that I didnt take it well at first, but that eventually I did accept it, and it is what it is. Just think it has alot to do with the parents and how they act. Kids are resilient...they will hate it at first, but they will grow up and they'll learn to live with it as wel all do. I never said it was pleasant or easy on them, just said that they wont hate the step parents the rest of their lives if a loving environment is given to them. Kids often remain effed up, hating everyone, because they see their mom continuing to visibly despise their father and his new wife, or vice versa. Kids see and hear everything, those little buggers.

 

Anyway, thats all, didnt say you were wrong, read my thing , I said I like to look at all sides, okey dokey? Cheers!

[becky2009]

Thanks to all of you for your advice and comments

After 12 years of friendship and then more I am not sure how to get past this, I know I have to and the choice is not mine

He has been very selfish! He is not thinking of anyone but himself!