LisaUk Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hi all This is going to be a very rushed post as I have to catch the train to school, but I need to post this morning. I had a terrible night, I'm just backsliding so badly at the moment. I'm not sure why, maybe like MayI said b/c of school. I need help! I just keep going over it in my mind all the time and crying so much. I find it so hard to believe that anyone would have an 8 year engaement if they were really unhappy and would stay that long? Urgh. Link to post Share on other sites
ryepatch Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 lisa, i'm backsliding pretty bad at the moment, too. . . listen, you're off to an awesome start!!! for all you know your ex is regretting things, and when he hears you've gotten over your anxiety and agoraphobia problems and you're out hanging out with new people, who knows what he'll think!!!! my wife hung in there through so many bad times, i don't understand it either. i had a panic attack tonight, realizing that i have a real problem and it put strain on our marriage, although the main thing was she just lost the ability to cope. but you and me are moving forward! you're an inspiration to me, really! just think where you'll be in a year's time. . . are you still in therapy? you say you need help. . . YOU CAN DO THIS!!! you've made it this far. . . sorry if that didn't help, i'm kind of crazy myself at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hi all This is going to be a very rushed post as I have to catch the train to school, but I need to post this morning. I had a terrible night, I'm just backsliding so badly at the moment. I'm not sure why, maybe like MayI said b/c of school. I need help! I just keep going over it in my mind all the time and crying so much. I find it so hard to believe that anyone would have an 8 year engaement if they were really unhappy and would stay that long? Urgh. Lisa, Just remember, you are doing much better now...you are going to school, you've come a long way from where you were before...you are getting out of the house and that was a huge accomplishment for you. Who knows why people do the things that they do, you may never know, but you will be better off in the long run. My husband and I were engaged for 12 years!!!!!! 12!!!! I held out for so long because I didn't know if we could survive a marriage with all of the drinking and other issues. He started working hard on himself and showing me he was the man I could love and spend the rest of my life with so I finally relented 3 years ago and married him...knowing that I DID want to spend the rest of my life with him. I built a life for us with that knowledge, I made vows and commitments with that knowledge....now he's given me every excuse in the book as to why we shouldn't be married anymore. It only took him a year or so into the marriage to revert back to that man that I was so unsure of marrying... Some things happen for a reason, know that this is because you are destined for better things girl!! Keep your head up, keep hitting those books and work on you....the rest will fall into place in due time. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Lisa, find that strength!!!!! Like I've told you, the reasons don't make it any easier because they just bring more questions! Look at anyones thread, there is no end to the whys or the hows. Nobody ever gets to know the whole truth of why they were left behind. It's absolute torture and hurts more then somebody who hasn't gone through it could ever imagine. Dont torture yourself with looking for answers anymore sweetie. Why let him cause you pain from afar. He left because he is a selfish coward that will never be happy with any woman. I can't make it any clearer then that sweetie. He dosen't want a loving and devoted wife who cares for him and wants to love him the way you choose to love. He wants a slave, someone that is there to fulfill his needs and fades into the background when he dosen't want to fulfill hers. He may find that someday, but is that the kind of woman you want to be?? You have so much more to offer a worthwhile man, that it would be a waste and a terrible loss to the rest of the world to have you become that just for him! If he can't love you for you, then there are many of us who are more then willing! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 With you being so busy with school & everything make sure you are getting enough sleep, try & eat as healthy as you can, it does make a difference. When your body is drained it is very easy to get down on yourself........ You have come a long ways, just look at what you were doing a month ago & where you are now. Things don't just happen overnight & the healing takes time as well. I really believe it is a slow process so we can use this time to really look at ourselves. If you felt better tomorrow you would not be the person you will be when it is all over. Hang in there girl!!!!!!!!!!!!:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 We will lift you up! I am so proud of where you have gone, you should be too. I admire you for getting your life moving. Take care and hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 backsliding happens to the best of us... dont dwell on it. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 c'mon Lisa, Your not giving yourself the time you need to heal. You are just starting out. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 backsliding happens to the best of us... dont dwell on it. chrome speaks the truth. not that i'm one of "the best" by any means, but it happens. i toughen up. as lupa says, i become mr. cool ice, and then boom! i hit a brick wall and back to pretty close to square one. tojaz gives solid advice every time. heed his words. be strong. i still say you've added school and other things to your days, and that's a major factor. i know when i first got back out and started socializing, i backslid hard as hell. i'm learning to dust myself off and keep moving. it's going to take time, lisa. you know that. i only had 6 total years vested. you and he had already made a life together. like tojaz said, he's a coward. you don't want a coward. you want a man! all man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hi, thanks to everyone for replying. Trippi, I had the agoraphobia for 7 years, but it wasn't constantly bad through all that time, I recovered almost totally for a good number of years in there and then relapsed, actually, b/c of my something my ex did! When he left me I had been on the mend for nearly a year and a half, gradually building my life back up, things for me personally and for us as a couple had improved no end, I was not house bound, far from it and I had even recently suggested booking a holiday. My ex stated that my panic problems were NOT part of the reason he left but then a few weeks later changed this and said I was too dependant on him. Goodness knows what the truth is really, this was the case with a lot of his explanations, very contridictory. I'm guessing with your long engagement you made it clear why you would not marry before? My ex he never said there was any issues with me at any point, except for something 3 years prior which he says, even now, I did as he asked and it was resolved. He even says now he didn't give me a chance and didn't tell me, he just came up with excuse after excuse not to get married, for example "my job looks rocky" "we're wanting to move house" "we need to save first" etc etc. Never once did he say "I'm not sure, you have some problems I am not happy with". Thanks all of you, you have made me feel better, I do know it is going to take time, but I just feel so sad. What if he wasn't CP and really was just using me? I can't stand the thought of it, tears me apart. MayI and Tojaz could I ask why you call him a coward? Just as a side not, I found out today that I did pass the mock exam after all, the tutor has messed up the marking on about 8 papers, some were even marked up! I still only scraped through though, but it's still good to know I didn't fail it after all. We are going to bring it to her attention after the real one. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hi, thanks to everyone for replying. My ex stated that my panic problems were NOT part of the reason he left but then a few weeks later changed this and said I was too dependant on him. Goodness knows what the truth is really, this was the case with a lot of his explanations, very contridictory. My ex he never said there was any issues with me at any point, except for something 3 years prior which he says, even now, I did as he asked and it was resolved. He even says now he didn't give me a chance and didn't tell me, he just came up with excuse after excuse not to get married, for example "my job looks rocky" "we're wanting to move house" "we need to save first" etc etc. Never once did he say "I'm not sure, you have some problems I am not happy with". . ^^^^^^ this is the explanation for why i call him a coward. maybe it's a harsh or wrong judgment to pass, but that's how i see it. my ex was the same way. flip flopping, dancing around the truth because she was afraid of the outcome. a coward. congrats on the exam! scraping by is still passing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Thanks MayI. So you're saying he was afraid of me? He wasn't CP, but kept going b/c he was too afraid to say anything? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Thanks MayI. So you're saying he was afraid of me? He wasn't CP, but kept going b/c he was too afraid to say anything? Lisa, He is a coward because his reasons for leaving are his own. They have nothing to do with you! Something in him changed, but rather then acknowledge that, he laid the blame on you. Excuse after excuse for his actions and all of them BS! Fact is that you may never know why he felt he had to do this, but do not absorb the blame for him. You continue to hunt for fault in yourself in order to justify his actions for him, why? All any of us can do is the best you can. You gave him your all, you gave him the best you were capable of, you loved him the best you knew how! Love is not supposed to be about living up to someones standards, you asked for what you needed and gave all that you could in return. What more can a man ask for. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
ryepatch Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 you ok this morning? glad to hear about the exam! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Lisa Just a reminder of the meds for the panic attacks that I spoke of He is a coward, because he never was man enough to tell you the truth of what was in his heart so that the two of you might resolve it. He gave you excuses. There is no way you can resolve excuses. He set your relationship up to fail and then layed the blame and guilt on you. That is a cowardly way to avoid responsibility. Try to look at the break up as a positive. You spent 18 years living in his shadow. The real you could never have shown. Now you have the chance to be the real you and someday share it with a real man Yesterday is a cloud, tomorrow is sunshine, even if it rains Gallon Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Hi Thanks for checking in on me Rye. I know you guys are trying to pick me up, and I feel bad saying this when you are all trying, but no, not good this morning. I just feel I am to blame for him leaving, people don't go for no reason, so it must be b/c I was not good enough for him. I screwed it up and that kills me, I don't think I am ever going to be able to forgive myself, so I will never grt over this and be happy ever again. I will always hate myself for losing the best thing that ever happened to me, the best thing in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Sweetie, you have described him to me in much detail sweetie, if he was the best thing in your life, then you have a lot of living to do!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Lisa If you have only tried on brand of coffee, how can you say that this is the best cup of coffee you have ever had? Love is patient Love is understanding Love is sharing, good and bad Love is calming Love is nuturing Love is accepting responsibility Love is finding a common path Love is acceptance of the beloved short comings Love is forgiveness Love is not blaming the other for their own failure He failed you as a man, he is to blame Gallon Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 It's great that you are doing some self reflection! And I think it's even part of the healing process. However, be careful that you dont place ALL the blame on you (or him). And do NOT get stuck into this stage of constantly blaming. For whatever reason, the relationship is over. His reasons/excuses for ending the relationship is not important. Sounds like my ex did the same thing to me. Did not say a single thing was wrong, up until the day he asked for a divorce and left. Then all the bottled up anger came out at me. His excuses contradicted each other and it was an absolute incoherent illogical brain dump of excuses. I struggled a long time trying to make some sense from it. After a while, I realized this was all the things HE _needed_ to believe in order for him to be able to walk away from the marriage and inflict all that pain onto me. I was a good person. I did not deserve the treatment he gave me. In order for him to actually do it, he needed to paint me into an imaginary villain. I then started to reflect on what truths applied to me. What positive changes could I make in my life and in me? Your ex might have said some valid opinions about you. You KNOW in your gut which one's are true and which ones he NEEDED to believe about you in order to leave. Work on the ones you know are true and WANT to change. Leave the rest in the garbage where they belong. Then give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up over this relationship. I'm sure you did the very best you could at the time? I highly doubt you ever at any point in the relationship said, I'm going to do this just to screw things up? Watch your internal dialog. Would you say these things to another person? If not, then dont say them to you! Link to post Share on other sites
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