long distance relationships - do i tell him how i feel, or just stay friends?

[Lauren83]

Hi everyone. I'm really confused about a friend of mine, so I hope you guys can offer some insights into this situation. Here goes... (this might be kinda long - i like to write) I have a friend named Jakob, who's 6mo. younger than me. We hung out all summer: played guitar together, hung out with my family, went to movies, talked on the phone for hours. I have more things in common with him than I do with my best (girl) friend! But towards the end, he gradually stopped talking to me. Some of my friends, and my parents, thought he might have developed feelings for me, but didn't want to admit it because he was leaving soon. He was moving away for school for the first time, and was pretty stressed. (he's the baby of the family and is really close to his mom) I finally asked him what was going on and he said that he didn't know if I wanted to be more than friends, and that he's "been in long distance relationships before, and they just don't work." Then, he went on to say "I value your friendship and would do anything to keep it." I told him I felt the same way and that friendship was probably the best thing for us right now. We're both really busy, and we live 2hrs away (because of school) so we don't hang out much. We e-mail each other almost every day though.

 

Anyway, background info aside, we're both HUGE fans of John Mayer. He played a show in our state a few weeks ago and I knew about it months in advance because I'm in his fan club. Because I'm in the fan club, I also got a chance to buy floor seats a month before they went on sale to the public. I got two of them, not sure who I'd go with. I told three of my friends I had an extra ticket (Jakob included) and told each of them that I had also told the other 2. I knew Jakob was the biggest fan out of the 3 of them, so I called him again and asked if he wanted to go with me. He said he didn't know and that he might be going with some friends. He also said that he didn't want to take the ticket from one of my other friends, if they decided to go. So, I said OK and dropped it. I ended up giving the ticket to one of my other friends, who decided she could go after all. I waited about 3 weeks and then I asked who he was going with. He e-mailed me back the next day and told me he was going with his friend, Sarah, who was the first person to tell him about John Mayer 2 years ago. But, he also said "I hope I get to see you there". He and Sarah go to the same church, and have known each other since high school. Now, she goes to school an hour away from both of us. Despite the fact that he says they're only good friends, I felt really jealous and confused when he first told me they were going together! I really like Jakob, possibly more than a friend, but know that right now isn't the best time for a relationship.

 

I saw Jakob before the concert. My friend noticed him first, and told me he pretty much ran down the stairs when he saw us! He came up and gave me a big hug () and we talked for a few seconds, but the opening band was starting. So, we went back to our seats. He said "I'll talk to you later". After the opening band was finished, he came over to where I was sitting, sat beside me and we talked for about 5 minutes. He was extremely talkative and funny. We were both laughing at the bass player in the opening band. Then, he said "well, I bet she's (meaning Sarah) wondering where I am so I better get back" (he'd told her he was going to the bathroom, but took a little detour to talk to me on the way back). He's extremely polite and respectful so he wouldn't leave her there by herself for too long. But I could tell he wanted to talk longer. My friend and I kept looking up at them during the concert, because they sat one section above us (we had floor). I didn't notice them holding hands, hugging, etc... They talked occasionally, but we caught him looking over at us a few times, and staring into space! lol After the concert, we were walking out and I saw him standing outside the door, looking around. Sarah was standing beside him, kinda staring at the floor and looking bored. When we walked up he was like "hey!!" and we talked about our favorite songs. He introduced me to Sarah. I tried to strike up a conversation with her, and she was polite, but she wasn't very talkative. I have a friend that goes to her school so I hoped that she would start talking after I told her that, but she just said she liked it there. So, Jakob and I chatted for a few more seconds, but then we both had to leave. He gave me another hug and told me to tell my family "hi" for him.

 

After seeing them interact together, I can't imagine them even being friends. They definitely didn't seem like they were dating. You can always tell when two people are into each other, and they could barely maintain a conversation. But, I only saw them together for a little while. I could be wrong. My friend and I thought that maybe she asked him before I did and he just didn't want to tell me he was going with another girl? Or maybe their parents are friends and suggested they go together? Or maybe he thought that if he went with me, he might feel the way I'm feeling now and become a complete nutcase? My friend also thought that if he was on a date, he wouldn't have come over and talk to me so many times, and waited for us after the show.

 

But I don't know. I just wanted to see what you guys thought after reading this. Every time we're together, it just feels right. And I miss him like crazy when we're not. When he smiles at me and hugs me, I completely melt. Obviously, this is a problem because we both agreed to be friends, due to the distance. But I was hoping someone else could maybe help me figure out what he's thinking. And maybe give me some suggestions on how to cope with thise feelings! I'm not the kind of person to just keep my feelings inside, and he's not either, but neither one of us wants to risk our friendship and tell each other how we feel. Some people have told me to let him know what I'm thinking, and others have said to wait and let it happen naturally. We've been talking on the phone more lately, and we usually end up talking for close to an hour, just about our day and random stuff. I was hoping we could hang out over Thanksgiving break, but he has to work every day except for Thanksgiving, and has to travel back and forth Wed. night and Thurs. night. He works every day after school, and most of the day on Saturday. On Sunday, he goes to church and then finishes up homework. Basically, I know that neither of us have time for a long distance relationship, but I'm just trying to cope with the fact that we'll both be in different schools for 3 more years (possibly more, because he wants to become a youth pastor and go to seminary) and I don't know if I can stay "just friends" with him for that long. Has anyone else been in this situation before?

[QuestionNo17]

hey, i hope it's not too late to answer (meaning, i hope you'll still check back to this page). about the night at the concert, he definitely didnt' seem like he was on a date. i'm a guy, and i've never been on a date while running to see another girl every so often, and even wait for the other girl afterwards about the whole long distance thing, i myself am in a long distance relationship. me and the girl i'm seeing have been seeing each other (on and off ) for a lil over 2 years. we run across a problem here and there, but we always seem to make it back to each other. she's currently in school and working, and i work. we always talk online or over the phone, for a good part of the day. even if we didn't get time in the day, we'll stay up late at night to catch up. long distance relationships CAN work. but that depends on your willingness to do so. i only see mine about once a year, which makes it really hard. she lives in the northeast and i live in the south. but we both have patience, and since i'm no longer in school, i'll be moving up north to be with her soon. you and this guy seem REALLY compatible. if you're not willing for a long distance relationship just yet, i'd keep him close by if i were you. all i can say is try talking to him about it, cuz he's DEFINITELY into you post again if there's anymore news to the topic, or questions

[Lauren83]

Thanks so much for your response! It's definitely not too late. I've been trying to check back every few days. I really appreciate your advice! It's nice to have a guy's opinion about this, because (believe it or not) girls really have no idea what you all are thinking! lol I talked to one of my other friends about the situation over the weekend, and we both think that the best thing to do right now is to just stay good friends. Then, we'll see how things go over the summer when we have a chance to see each other more often. It will also give us a chance to get to know each other even better, without the pressures of a relationship. I'm not 100% happy about this decision, but I do think it is the smartest thing to do right now. I will definitely post back if I have any more questions, or if anything else happens. Thanks again for your help, and good luck in your long distance relationship! I'm glad you guys will finally get to be together soon!

[QuestionNo17]

Awww thank you, I really appreciate that. and best wishes to you and yours too