Update . . . .

[whichwayisup]

Spinning, serial cheaters don't change their habits/behaviour, unless they work on themselves, and do therapy. Him telling you he loves you, wants a future with you, is just words. Sure, he may mean it at the moment, but in 3 years from now, when life gets routine, the honeymoon phase is over, you two get used to one another, THAT is when he'll get the wandering eye. Not because he WANTS to, but because that's who he is. It's what he knows..A learned behaviour, a habit, whatever, that is how he handles it. You two also could benefit couples therapy, to learn how to communicate with one another.

 

I hope this guy is worth all the hassel. It would be a shame (for you) if 2-4 years from now he turns around and cheats on you.

 

DO you trust him 100%?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is MM worth it? Probably not. I think MM, his W and I were all responsible for the demise of MM's marriage. Bear in mind that MM had several affairs throughout his marriage, even fathering a child with another woman. That history and behavior is always in my mind.

 

Why did MM choose to leave his W for me? I don't know. Why did he literally give up everything he had - his homes, personal possessions, relationships with his family and friends - for a relationship with me? I don't know. It is something that I bring up with him often and his response is always "I love you and want a future with you". I have told him repeatedly that his past behavior and lies and the fact that his relationships with people in his married life have end - all those events - do bother me and that the liklihood is that he will act that way with me. His response is the same as above and that he realizes that it will take time for me to think otherwise.

 

Granted, MM's W's actions last week bothered me. But, I do understand that she is upset. I had no problem with MM going to his W and son and talking to them. I went to the other side of the store and did not interfere. I do know that MM's W comes to his office at least once a week to ask for more money (which he gives to her) and to talk about why he left the marriage. These conversations have been going on since May 2009.

 

He picked you because he senses your the gullible of all his mistresses.

 

He cheated on his wife he will cheat on you! believe that!

 

This man is not to be trusted and f you stay with him, he will betray you, that is a stone cold fact. Why dont you end it, move far away and stay NC. You get nothing out of this relationship.

 

What makes you think he WONT betray you in the long run? Why arent you making a logical choice? Or are you afraid to be alone? WTF?

[whichwayisup]

Something tells me she's going to see this through. She's gone this far, and been through the wringer for a long time, so I highly doubt she's going to walk away from her MM, even more so now that he's on the way to a D (or has he D'ed already?)

 

A serial cheater does NOT change their stripes just because they've fallen inlove. Sure, maybe he won't cheat on you NOW, or in a year from now..But, at some point he WILL look elsewhere.

 

Good luck Spinning.

[southernpie]

Wowza. I'm just trying to figure out what you see in him and why you are staying with him? I haven't read that you love him. And it seems like that's a good thing! Is it that you feel like he left his marriage and made a change for you so now you have to stay with him?? It just seems to me like there has to be someone out there for you who doesn't have this baggage and drama. I'd say the sooner you get yourself out of this messy situation, the better. Good luck.

[southernpie]

I just wanted to add that I'm not the Other Woman so I'm not trying to give you advice or anything, and sorry if I'm not supposed to be posting here. I was just wondering what's up.

[pureinheart]

Something tells me she's going to see this through. She's gone this far, and been through the wringer for a long time, so I highly doubt she's going to walk away from her MM, even more so now that he's on the way to a D (or has he D'ed already?)

 

A serial cheater does NOT change their stripes just because they've fallen inlove. Sure, maybe he won't cheat on you NOW, or in a year from now..But, at some point he WILL look elsewhere.

 

Good luck Spinning.

 

I haven't read the entire thread, just the most current, meaning "today"....just in what she had to say "today" makes me wonder if it ever really was love, in the true sense of love.

[2sunny]

he essentially picked you because he understood that you were vulnerable enough to want him and gullible enough to believe him. for him, that is exactly what he's looking for and needs in a mate.

 

now that you know the truth - is that enough for you to want to stay with him?

[pureinheart]

Wowza. I'm just trying to figure out what you see in him and why you are staying with him? I haven't read that you love him. And it seems like that's a good thing! Is it that you feel like he left his marriage and made a change for you so now you have to stay with him?? It just seems to me like there has to be someone out there for you who doesn't have this baggage and drama. I'd say the sooner you get yourself out of this messy situation, the better. Good luck.

 

This is the thing SP and I thought about starting a thread on this issue alone..."we", meaning whoever this applies to, can get SOOOO caught up in THEIR lives that we forget about our own...what do WE want and are WE getting it?

 

This happened to me before, during and after the D....and to date I think he could have cared less what I want/wanted....because the whole thing started on "all about him"....my God there should be a TV show on this or something....or like alg said in another thread concerning it felt like a Jerry Springer episode or something....

[Spinning Head]

I think at one point I was gullible and vulnerable in my relationship with MM but I don't think I am that way at this point. Of course I love MM. At this point last year, MM was with his W and I was moving towards ending the R with MM. I couldn't endure the drama or the toll the R was taking on me. I was completely shocked when MM left his W. The only time MM and his W separated in the past was for about six weeks when he left her for the OW with whom he has a child. That was about fourteen years ago.

 

There is always going to be an element of distrust on my part. How can there not be? I thought MM would return to his W. It's been almost 10 months since he moved out and he hasn't returned to the marriage. I did not think they would sign a separation agreement. That has been done now. I thought MM would fight in court to retain some marital assets - instead, he's given his W everything material that she wanted. I figured that once MM got his own place that he would want to spread his wings, so to speak, date other women, etc. So far, that has not happened. We still live almost 1.5 hours apart. MM drives to see me about 3-4 times a week. I've told MM that at this point in my life, I do not intend to sell my house or uproot my business to move to his city. And, the incident with MM's W this past weekend was proof that moving to his city is not a good idea.

 

I do enjoy being with MM for the most part. The trust issue is a big issue. I've told him that he's an ******* for what he did to his family and to me.

 

I don't know what the future holds for me and MM. What I do know is that I would never wish this experience on anyone. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes.

[whichwayisup]

How involved are you with him? Daily?

 

And yeah trust IS going to be an issue for a long long time. UNLESS he works on improving himself. Unless you back off of him and allow him time to be alone, sort through his crap. And he has ALOT OF CRAP. How could you ever fully trust him when he's bounced back and forth so many times, cheated, and had other OW. Why not give it 6 months or so without you as his 'girlfriend', so he can be alone. To jump out of a marriage and smack into another relationship isn't healthy, nor it is a good way to start things off fresh. Time apart can help get rid of affair habits, feelings, reactions. I mean, you say he's an a-hole for doing what he did to his family and to you, but YOU helped him do this to his wife and family, he didn't do this all by himself. So, with that said, how the heck can you want to spend time with him, love him this much knowing what he IS capable of???

 

Hope he's worth all this.

[Spinning Head]

I talk to MM every day. I don't see him every day. We live almost 1.5 hours away and each have our own businesses and obligations in the cities in which we live.

 

MM does have a lot of issues to work through. He is in counseling. Granted, counseling is only as good as the work you put into it and what you are willing to disclose to the counselor. Will counseling resolve his issues? I don't know. Maybe it will help him find out why he's acted the way he has in the past.

 

I've accepted the fact that my actions contributed to the demise of his marriage - to a point. I spent a long time beating myself up for my conduct. What I did was wrong. I know that.

 

I wish I could crawl inside MM's head - figure out his thoughts/motivations. He's 57 years old. He's turned over everything he obtained in a 30+ year marriage to his W - the agreement was signed. He had a birthday recently and none of his kids called him.

[whichwayisup]

He had a birthday recently and none of his kids called him.

 

And sadly, that's one of HIS consquences he has to deal with due to his choices by cheating on his wife. Is it right? Wrong? Either way, his kids have chosen to block him (for now) because THEY are hurting and upset with him. He's suffered high consquences too of losing all that he worked for, but he did it to himself..By cheating and cheating and cheating.

[pureinheart]

I think at one point I was gullible and vulnerable in my relationship with MM but I don't think I am that way at this point. Of course I love MM. At this point last year, MM was with his W and I was moving towards ending the R with MM. I couldn't endure the drama or the toll the R was taking on me. I was completely shocked when MM left his W. The only time MM and his W separated in the past was for about six weeks when he left her for the OW with whom he has a child. That was about fourteen years ago.

 

There is always going to be an element of distrust on my part. How can there not be? I thought MM would return to his W. It's been almost 10 months since he moved out and he hasn't returned to the marriage. I did not think they would sign a separation agreement. That has been done now. I thought MM would fight in court to retain some marital assets - instead, he's given his W everything material that she wanted. I figured that once MM got his own place that he would want to spread his wings, so to speak, date other women, etc. So far, that has not happened. We still live almost 1.5 hours apart. MM drives to see me about 3-4 times a week. I've told MM that at this point in my life, I do not intend to sell my house or uproot my business to move to his city. And, the incident with MM's W this past weekend was proof that moving to his city is not a good idea.

 

I do enjoy being with MM for the most part. The trust issue is a big issue. I've told him that he's an ******* for what he did to his family and to me.

 

I don't know what the future holds for me and MM. What I do know is that I would never wish this experience on anyone. Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes.

 

Wow...now I'm comparing my sitch with yours....k...xDM didnot leave, she did....xDM didnot file, she did....xDM fought for everything material wise, dragging out the D 3 yrs almost.....xDM during the D took everything out on me and was extremely abusive...I could tell, it being spring again the abuse would start so bailed lest I begin round "whatever" with him.

 

It sounds like your SMM is much different, although WWIU is right...give it time, and it sounds like you are......I hope all works out for everyone involved

[pureinheart]

I talk to MM every day. I don't see him every day. We live almost 1.5 hours away and each have our own businesses and obligations in the cities in which we live.

 

MM does have a lot of issues to work through. He is in counseling. Granted, counseling is only as good as the work you put into it and what you are willing to disclose to the counselor. Will counseling resolve his issues? I don't know. Maybe it will help him find out why he's acted the way he has in the past.

 

I've accepted the fact that my actions contributed to the demise of his marriage - to a point. I spent a long time beating myself up for my conduct. What I did was wrong. I know that.

 

I wish I could crawl inside MM's head - figure out his thoughts/motivations. He's 57 years old. He's turned over everything he obtained in a 30+ year marriage to his W - the agreement was signed. He had a birthday recently and none of his kids called him.

 

ExDM went through this, although the dynamics of his :family life" were VERY weird, way outside the norm...

 

Keep in minf there could be many reasons to explore, and only you know his true nature, meaning you may not know "everything", but I think you have a priddy good idea of who this man is.

 

In my sitch, exDM was abusive to everyone, also an extra dynamic was it was common for his exW to turn the kids against him...in fact anyone during the D that talked to him was a "trader"...I heard this myself on a recorded conversation she had with one of her friends and heard it from one of the kids directly. She has excommunicated the son (who is 32 I might add) because he is living in one of exDM's houses...

 

I totally feel for you and what you are going through....

[bentnotbroken]

I talk to MM every day. I don't see him every day. We live almost 1.5 hours away and each have our own businesses and obligations in the cities in which we live.

 

MM does have a lot of issues to work through. He is in counseling. Granted, counseling is only as good as the work you put into it and what you are willing to disclose to the counselor. Will counseling resolve his issues? I don't know. Maybe it will help him find out why he's acted the way he has in the past.

 

I've accepted the fact that my actions contributed to the demise of his marriage - to a point. I spent a long time beating myself up for my conduct. What I did was wrong. I know that.

 

I wish I could crawl inside MM's head - figure out his thoughts/motivations. He's 57 years old. He's turned over everything he obtained in a 30+ year marriage to his W - the agreement was signed. He had a birthday recently and none of his kids called him.

 

 

He had only himself to thank. What kind of person willingly destroys all respect his family has for him. Never mind I know what kind. One that puts himself before everyone else. Be it cheating, drugs or abuse.

[jj33]

Spinning I really hope this works out for you. I read your story and I think if xMM had ever left I would have been in a vey similar situatoin. Long marriage, serial adulterer, not good at communicating, deeply in need of IC to work out issues.

 

I used to think if he ever did leave that we would need to go into counseling together to get over the past and forge a new foundation.

 

Not the easiest way to go into the future. But if your committment to making it work with each other is strong, really strong, I think its possible.

 

I just hope you are happy together. Sometimes I wonder if we hold on because we have held on for so long that we believe that sheer determination will make it work out and that it must work out, otherwise what have the past x years been all about.

 

(perhaps not the best day for me to be replying as I have just been gaslit into the next millenium) but I do sincerely hope it works out for you.

 

Just make sure you protect your heart to the extent possible.