JL911 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 After responding to Taucher's post about what I will change with my next relationship, I have decided to make my own little rant/guide and put this in there for everyone....Maybe its JL's Guide to Change.......Ill use some copy and paste as well from my original post. First thing first...Before you go off and decide that you need to make a change to who you are, you really need to sit back and look at what a psycho, deranged, moody, shallow, egotistical, controlling, demanding, clingy, bitchy, assh*le of an ex you have on your hands who has made you think and feel this way. Chances are this is going to take some time (months), and in my case therapy in order for you to realize how ****ty of a person they really are.... I'll say Im sorry in advance because this is coming from a male's perspective, I hope some of the ladies can see that this applies on both sides. NOW My $.02: Many of us spend time blaming ourselves after a break up. This is mainly because of what was said at the end. People who break up with us leaving us feeling inedaquite or lowering our self esteem sighting key points and our flaws as human beings are nothing more than selfish and unrealistic. Taucher mentioned in his original post that his ex wanted to go horseback riding and he never expressed much interest, would this have saved the relationship if he just went??...My opinion no...How many other things and places have you gone that you werent very thrilled about? How many other hoops have you jumped through for this person only to single out one activity or a day on the back of a horse as a key point to why this relationship failed? I am convinced that my relationship lasted as long as it did because I was a strong male and was able to say when things didnt suit my needs as a person...She never had a relationship last as long as we did, and in time shes going to wonder how we went so far...The reasons were certainly not because of her, it was because of the type of person I am. I can tolerate the bitchyness, the complaining, and still be a man and stand up for myself...It wasnt because I got her flowers every week, its because I rarely did, and when I did it made it that much more special... First off realize this, EVERYONE TAKES THEIR RELATIONSHIP FOR GRANTED....Its called a sense of security...If you would have dumped your ex a year prior to them dumping you, when they were happy with the relationship they would be the one writing the same damn thing...Only it would read more like, "I shouldnt have nagged him about going horseback riding" or "why couldnt I just accept that some things I enjoy just were not for him." Now I'm fully convinced that my EX flat out sabotaged our relationship. She never communicated with me and never ever suggested anything. I felt like I always had to make the decisions or make the options for things for us to do...Then when we broke up she said I never did this and never did that, like I was suppose to be an F'n mind reader or something... Our conversations would go something like this, "Where do you want to go to eat"...."We can go here or here you pick"...her answer "I dont feel like either"...My reply, "well baby where would you like to go, you pick"...Her reply, "I dont care"....See what I mean!! Same thing with movies, weekend activities, and even sexual positions... Im human...Im flawed...I did all I could...And I STILL BLAME MYSELF FOR NOT DOING ENOUGH!! ITS CRAP! This is a point in grieving where you are trying to find fault in yourself still... Do you know how many holidays, weddings, birthdays, family reunions, graduation parties, and family events I went to only to be told, "Im never around for family functions!"...Do you see what I am saying here?! This is something that is wrong with this person's head where they are creating an alternative universe of excuses in order to find fault in you. Its not you...its them...From what I have found a lot of the excuses given reflect their insecurities in themselves. If you are still at the point where you feel the reasons surrounding your break up are YOUR fault...STOP!!...they are not....Unless you were lying, cheating, and really had no interest in this relationship, you must feel that you did the best you could at the moment. All relationships mature over time and eventually they get comfortable and kinda boring...Thats when the wrong people get bored and move on because they arent ready to just settle down and crave the excitment of a new thing and are just plain selfish and immature... All relationships get comfortable, safe, secure, and yes kinda boring in a sense where you know the person...You eventually learn all you can about someone, their mannerisms, their reactions, their habits, ect...The conversations aren't as exciting because you talk entirely too much so there is even less to say at the end of a day...This is just how things get...Its not a movie, its not a book, its not a romance story...its life and thats how things get over time growing with someone...Any other assumption of how love is suppose to be is commercialize and false! The right person is happy having a dependable, loving, supportive, and loyal person there who loves them even if he doesnt want to go horseback riding, ball room dancing, or go listen to a particular band! Its not your fault...You wanted to continue on, change, work on some things, and keep things moving in the right direction...its not like you gave up...they did... Some people are just brought up wrong....My ex was never told no, never grounded, and never really had to have a job until she graduated college...Then she found out that no one hands you ANYTHING!! Life is work...I'm glad I learned that from a young age...Her parents were more like friends than parents...they never told her about doing things wrong...never told her she was wrong...Always kissed her butt and always said she was right...She was not used to dealing with any real issues so I guess it is just easier to walk away from your problems than to try to work through them... My house is the exact opposite...We have real life issues...People are sick...My parents are a team and each has their own voice. They fight on occasion and both get in their opinions and words. In her house her mother rules the roost while her father bitches quietly on his own NEVER standing up for himself and his needs just beacuse its easier that way...My parents helped me through college while hers gave her nothing...She would talk to my mother about student loans instead of her own...Only problem she has is herself now...And part of me is glad that she is no longer my problem... I was supportive, spoiled her, and truly loved her, and did all I could without losing my sanity as a man...At times I would take my weekends to myself and go fishing or hunting, but others I would spend every waking second with her meeting her every need, cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner....I would buy her great things, would be fun to be around, would include her in things with my friends and push her to be social... I did the best I could...had she been brought up right and known that not everything is perfect we probaly would be planning a wedding now...Instead I'm just starting to put her in the back of my mind, while she is just starting to find out that every other guy out there will not match up to me.....I am wonderful...It hurts so much when you know it and everyone else does too, but the person you want to see it doesnt... You cannot change who you are...You are an individual who is unique in his or her own way. But you need to accept that the right person will accept you as that person and stick by you through thick and thin....Atleast you know you are already one of those people capable of sticking it out and capable of loving forever and capable of wanting to work things out when things get hard...Relationships are fun but eventually turn into work...They are never easy.... Change who you are for no one other than yourself...You must realize that there are very good qualities about you that kept you in a relationship for such a long period of time and in the end it never boiled down to you not being good enough for someone, it was them not being good enough for you. Look at the big picture before you get this idea that you need to change who you are. This person walked away from you not because of what you are, but because of what they are. The idea that you must be flawless in order for a relationship to pan out is so far from the truth... Keep your chin up...I know its hard...I know we all hurt...But in someway maybe this is all for the best... I hope this helps some of you...I know it helped me putting it together. Hang in there...We all deserve better -jl- 8 Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Thank you for this post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JL911 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 I hope it helped shed some light on your situation...I know that even after you realize things about a person it still hurts...I still love her.... Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Yes, it definitely has shed some light on my situation. And yes, it still hurts. It hurts a lot more knowing and seeing things from a different perspective. I just feel so betrayed. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know now, so I can move on a lot easier. Everything seems fine for a while, but then things start flowing back into my head and it feels like the first two weeks all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Yes everyone is thinking their missing out on so much excitement. Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 This is all so true....i feel like im going crazy sometimes..even though i know that he was the jerk in the relationship. I still blame myself sometimes. Thanks for your post!! Link to post Share on other sites
Phedre Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Thanks for the great post JL. I'm for sure going through the 'blame yourself' game right now and feeling guilty since I did initiate the D, although it actions and lack of desire to own up to/fix the root cause of issues, not just the syptoms promted my actions. I keep thinking 'well, maybe if I had held out a little bit longer' or ' if I had just been able to let it all go'... and yeah, maybe those things would have helped, orrrrr maybe I would be in the same place 6 months down the road. I guess something that keeps making me upset is that I always view myself as the kind of person like you described in your post that was in it for the long haul and understood marriage takes work and ain't always a picnic... but being the one to step out there and say it was time for the D (H still wanted to be married to me, just didn't want to have to give up things like flirting and moderate his drinking) I feel like such a failure. But what could I change according to my spouse? Learn to let go of the past (aka, get over an EA in 3 months during which he was in another state for a month, spent 4,500 at a strip club, went out drinking when he promised not to and get a girls number so he could meet up with her later where they 'just played pool') and be less sensetive. I'll give him the sensetive part, but how about you be less of a selfish a-hole and I'll have less to be sensetive about! .... sorry guys, I'm still very angry and bitter and stupidly sad. Your ex is gonna be one sorry lady JL when she finally grows up some and realizes what a great man she lost. Such a shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JL911 Posted September 27, 2009 Author Share Posted September 27, 2009 You might be right...I hope so...As much of a pain as she was at times...I did love her...I did accept her issues and accept and love her for who she was...Then eventually her selfishness and pettyness finally got the better of our relationship. I am not saying I am perfect by any means...I know I did things wrong as EVERYONE does in a relationship....Things are never perfect... Its sad...I do miss her terribly...But what else can I do... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Your ex is gonna be one sorry lady JL when she finally grows up some and realizes what a great man she lost. Such a shame. I hate to be a downer here but I don't think that will be true. Only a very few people actually looks back at what then did and gain insight. Must keep just moving and distracting themselves so they dont have to face the truth. It take a great deal of courage and strength to do so and many just are not able to. I think people can change, but most don't because it is easier not too. Link to post Share on other sites
Phedre Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Well let me change that to she SHOULD be one sorry lady if she has any sense about her at all Link to post Share on other sites
ecm Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Dear JL911: I don't know you, or your name, or even if you look like someone I'd wanna make out with....but I LOVE you for that post. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JL911 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 Well I am single so...lol Link to post Share on other sites
ecm Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 LOL. I know better than to be someone's rebound chick, silly Link to post Share on other sites
Dream Brother Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 LOL. I know better than to be someone's rebound chick, silly haha nice reply! Very nice post OP, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
icyness Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Great post JL, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
ecm Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 haha nice reply! Very nice post OP, thank you. thanks now are YOU on the rebound? kidding.....KIDDING Link to post Share on other sites
Dream Brother Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 thanks now are YOU on the rebound? kidding.....KIDDING 100% rebound Complete with large non removable scowl. It's an attractive package. Link to post Share on other sites
ecm Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 100% rebound Complete with large non removable scowl. It's an attractive package. Hmmm.... there are too many things I can say. You guys make it too easy Link to post Share on other sites
SierraMarie Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Wow. Thank you so much. I wish I would have read this two years ago. Especially the part about not changing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
GuttedIRL Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Cheers for this excellent post. So much of it rings true to me right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Sukichan Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Wow, thank you so much for this post, describes my ex pretty well. It helps me understand myself even better. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Really knowledgeable post cause I feel the exact same way. Like my girl didn't know what I did in order to see her, be with her, and the money I spent on her when I had to work and get my life started in a new location. I was freaking busy with both of those things. I guess what a lot of people are scared of ( as am I ) is if we will find that other person rather quickly then having it be a few years. Like almost having that bond with the previous person, then having it slip right from under you then having to find someone else is something that people are scared of. Hopefully for me that won't be the case and I will find someone who is great. Like for instance, I am very freaking picky about girls, and when I found this one I thought she was it cause she fit all my standards.... But anyways enough blabbering, I like this post, and your right that its their fault not ours if they can't accept the ones who cared for them the most. They'll know when they are older like, man I dated that guy and I cant remember anything bad he did. Then they will have to realize that it was them not you. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
salem mark Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 great post , right on the money. it sounds exactly what i went thru and going thru now Link to post Share on other sites
Vampire Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks for this post. Whilst the pain I'm feeling is similar to a Godlike kick in the nuts, it's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in feeling worthless, insignificant and flawed to the bone. I hope this moment passes sooner than later and leaves me with my sanity. Thankyou JL. Link to post Share on other sites
twinklecat Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Thanks so much for this post. Really needing some words of inspiritation right now, my head is just so messed. One minute I'm happy at the prospect of a new life, the next I'm just so upset and angry. Link to post Share on other sites
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