Can someone be a commitment phobe without realising it themself?!

[Taucher]

I see a lot on here about cps and I thought I knew what it meant. People who were scared of commitment. Well, I have never been scared of commitment, quite the opposite, I thought.

 

Until I read this: http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html

 

This details behavior of a cp and...well I recognise myself in some of these. And my ex definitely accused me of some of the other things.

 

Is it possible to be a subconscious commitment phobe?

 

T

[alphamale]

yes i think so

[Serena2009]

Is it possible to be a subconscious commitment phobe?

 

T

 

Hi Taucher,

 

The short answer to your question is yes. In fact, I think most people who are CP are not fully aware. From what I remember of your posts, nothing hit me as CP. If you don't mind my asking, what's making you think you may have some CP?

 

Take Care.

[seoa]

Yes, it's possible... in fact, that's the basis behind the active-CP, passive-CP pairing (one partner looks like a 'normal' CP - the other swears it's just bad luck they keep picking unavailable partners, until they admit it's really their own form of LTR-avoidance).

 

I didn't think much of that link you provided though - so don't base your self-analysis just on that...

 

Here's a coupla quotes from one of Steven Carter's books (honestly, this guy should give me royalties, the amount I quote him ) Obviously it's hard to summarise an entire 'thing' in 3 quick quotes, but if these seem sufficiently familiar, then it can't hurt to look into it further...

 

I enjoyed visiting my romantically settled friends; however, I didn’t really envy them. In fact, no matter how upset I might be, I often felt superior. Their love seemed cosy, but it also seemed “small”.

 

I was looking for something larger – an avalanche of feeling and power and connection and specialness. What, I wondered, did these people really know about love. Their problems seemed so mundane and day-to-day.

 

Often, as people with commitment conflicts look around at their friends and peers, all they seem to be able to see are people who they think have somehow “settled” for a less than perfect love. They feel they are searching for a specialness that these other people have not found.

 

As a connection deepens, and qualms, doubts, and fears arise, we need to recognise anxiety for what it is. We need to recognise when anxiety is the reason why we want to fight, act out, run away, or cheat. The next time you have a destructive impulse in your relationship, try to stop and imagine what is driving that impulse. What is providing all that energy? There is a very good chance that your anxieties are out of control.

 

Accepting love can be very difficult for those of us with commitment issues. That’s because we are often confused about what love is and isn’t. We confuse love with longing; we confuse love with passion; and we confuse love with heartache. People with commitment issues typically know what it is to pursue new partners; they know what it is to pine for a good relationship; they know what it is to try to please the person they care about. But often they don’t know how to accept love. Love makes them uncomfortable.

[carhill]

Love makes them uncomfortable

 

Excellent one-line description.

 

IMO, people who are not emotionally aware can be CP without realizing it, simply because they cannot grasp the depth and breadth of their own emotional capacity or its impetuses.

 

For example, right now, going through a divorce, I cast a critical eye upon love which is offered to me. I realize what I'm doing and know that it is situational, mainly predicated upon my desire to remain unattached emotionally until the divorce and healing process is complete. It's a conscious choice to be CP, more precisely to avoid any sort of romantic intimacy. I sense the feelings and understand where they come from. I choose to act in a way which controverts my natural personality, which is one of connection and intimacy.

 

Like a doctor with a patient in an induced coma, I lighten up the drugs (my controls) from time to time to see if the natural ability and desire (consciousness) is still there, fighting the ventilator and drugs.

 

Hopefully, the health insurance won't run out

[Trialbyfire]

The short answer to your question is yes. In fact, I think most people who are CP are not fully aware.

I agree with this and would take it even further by saying they're not aware...period.

[LisaUk]

Oh, absolutley a CP can be not aware totally they are CP, it's the essence of it. In he's Scared She's Scared it says that a CP will always provide justification for their CP and desire to flee by blaming the other person. Usually they will choose the one thing they have known about their partner right from the beginning of their relationship. Now, some people will say that means if you are unhappy with your partner you are CP, that is not what Steven Carter means by this. Anyone who suspects they are CP will be able to tell by reading the book.

 

My ex refuses to acknowledge that he is CP, even after I explained it in depth to him and related it to things he has told me about his childhood, he won't even consider the possibilty, it's such a shame and waste to throw away 18 years together, at the point of marriage b/c he's scared. How silly does that sound? I have suffered with servere agoraphobia (recovered now), so I have an insight into fear and you know what? I would NEVER have let it hurt someone else. This may sound harsh but CP's are cowards, pure and simple, it's no different to any other phobia and like I said I HAD to face up to mine, particularly when my ex put me on the street! I get that it's hard, but sometimes in life you have to suck it up!

[Serena2009]

Here's a coupla quotes from one of Steven Carter's books (honestly, this guy should give me royalties, the amount I quote him) Obviously it's hard to summarise an entire 'thing' in 3 quick quotes, but if these seem sufficiently familiar, then it can't hurt to look into it further...

 

Hi Seoa,

In your quotes, Carter indicates that CPs link love with heartache. Does he elaborate on this anymore in your book? (I have his two other books). This really interests me because I sense this as an aspect of my relationship, that somehow there had to be demonstrative heartache involved to prove love, that is.

 

I choose to act in a way which controverts my natural personality, which is one of connection and intimacy.

 

Like a doctor with a patient in an induced coma, I lighten up the drugs (my controls) from time to time to see if the natural ability and desire (consciousness) is still there, fighting the ventilator and drugs.

 

Hopefully, the health insurance won't run out

 

LOL!! I'll bet the health insurance will hold out until the time comes when you no longer need for it.

 

I agree with this and would take it even further by saying they're not aware...period.

 

What I meant by "not fully aware" is that some with CP know that a certain level of romantic attachment produces anxiety/panic even though they may not know why. In my relationship, there was complete unawareness as to why the desire to breakup. He stated there was no logic in it and attributed it to a "gut feeling." Subsequently, when he returned, among other things, I told him his "gut" su(ked and that what his gut was really about was anxiety about taking it to the next level (which, btw, he was insistent that we make a decision on). I know he respects what I say so hopefully I at least increased his awareness a tiny bit. This is not to say I think I can change him, I know I can't.

 

Very recently, we've started LC and I'm being very cautious because I don't want to get burned.

[Taucher]

Well, everyone has said some really interesting things.

 

Serena2009 - thank you. Actually, I have come to the conclusion that I am NOT a CP. If anything I am probably quite the opposite. But my beloved ex accused me of being a CP which got me thinking. And I have looked into it and she seems to be classic CP.

 

I had an idea in my head that females were not really ever commitment phobes, I thought it was overwhelmingly a male thing but I do not believe that anymore. Anyway, tomorrow I am going to start a thread explaining WHY I think my ex is a cp and I would love some input from any of you. This is all new to me - I have a friend who has a succession of one night stands, NEVER a relationship, and we always considered him to be a CP, but I see now that there are many degrees of it.

 

seoa, I will buy a Steven Carter book. I agree that the link I provided was not particularly brilliant, it was the first one I looked at. I have also looked at several other web pages and a couple of books. This is why I am coming to the conclusion that my ex is a CP, and I never realised, even though now it seems so obvious to me.

 

LisaUK: it's a shame your ex cannot realise that he is a CP, because unless he does, he cant change? And therefore he is destined to follow the same path?

 

carhill: I see what you are saying about occassionally CHOOSING to be a CP as a form of protection, but that does not make you a commitment phobe as such?

 

Thanks everyone

 

T

[carhill]

carhill: I see what you are saying about occassionally CHOOSING to be a CP as a form of protection, but that does not make you a commitment phobe as such?

 

I won't lie. Divorce has changed me. So has MC. I know I'm a helluva lot more comfortable being alone now (and I was OK before), so relationships aren't job #1 anymore. I think that is as much a indicator of not being CP as it is perhaps a symptom of it. To me, CP's pursue relationships but then, when confronted with the reality of one, panic and disappear. I'm not pursuing one. No animals are harmed. Life goes on

 

OP, btw, you might find it common for people with CP tendencies to project them onto others. This happens with numerous negative behaviors/perspectives. If your ex was willing to commit, in words and actions, and was asking you for commitment, and you engaged that, then she wasn't CP. If she was, she could do the former, but at the first sign of reciprocation or a deepening emotional bond, she'd bolt. Boy have I seen enough women like that. Bolt or disconnect....

[Serena2009]

Serena2009 - thank you. Actually, I have come to the conclusion that I am NOT a CP. If anything I am probably quite the opposite. But my beloved ex accused me of being a CP which got me thinking. And I have looked into it and she seems to be classic CP.

 

T

 

Taucher -- So she accused YOU of being CP??!! Amazing! They're weird!! I was constantly being pressed to define the relationship. My thinking was, we've agreed to be together, exclusive and see where it goes so what more was there to define??!! I'm divorced as of 2 1/2 years ago and the DTR talk was all new to me. I'd never heard of it. Once he was pushing for this DTR talk and I said, "Shouldn't we talk about our thoughts and feelings about the relationship?" to which he frantically and immediately responded, "We're not getting married." I said, "What do thoughts and feelings have to do with getting married??" He didn't have a response. And just before the breakup, he was pressuring that we had to decide whether it was "long term." I was willing to agree to that but again, my thinking was (though I never expressed it to him), what's up with all these labels and categories anyway??!! What really changes if it's labeled long term???!!! What kind of deepening commitment is there in that label?? Is this normal? Does labeling a relationship long term represent some kind of deepening commitment? Someone please enlighten me!!??

 

PS -- Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. You just got me thinking of this when you said you were accused of being CP because my inability to know how to define the relationship might be perceived in such a way. But I'm NOT CP either!! Although plenty of women as well as men are!!