long distance relationships - do i tell him how i feel, or just stay friends?

[Lauren83]

Hi everyone. I'm really confused about a friend of mine, so I hope you guys can offer some insights into this situation. Here goes... (this might be kinda long - i like to write) I have a friend named Jakob, who's 6mo. younger than me. We hung out all summer: played guitar together, hung out with my family, went to movies, talked on the phone for hours. I have more things in common with him than I do with my best (girl) friend! But towards the end, he gradually stopped talking to me. Some of my friends, and my parents, thought he might have developed feelings for me, but didn't want to admit it because he was leaving soon. He was moving away for school for the first time, and was pretty stressed. (he's the baby of the family and is really close to his mom) I finally asked him what was going on and he said that he didn't know if I wanted to be more than friends, and that he's "been in long distance relationships before, and they just don't work." Then, he went on to say "I value your friendship and would do anything to keep it." I told him I felt the same way and that friendship was probably the best thing for us right now. We're both really busy, and we live 2hrs away (because of school) so we don't hang out much. We e-mail each other almost every day though.

 

Anyway, background info aside, we're both HUGE fans of John Mayer. He played a show in our state a few weeks ago and I knew about it months in advance because I'm in his fan club. Because I'm in the fan club, I also got a chance to buy floor seats a month before they went on sale to the public. I got two of them, not sure who I'd go with. I told three of my friends I had an extra ticket (Jakob included) and told each of them that I had also told the other 2. I knew Jakob was the biggest fan out of the 3 of them, so I called him again and asked if he wanted to go with me. He said he didn't know and that he might be going with some friends. He also said that he didn't want to take the ticket from one of my other friends, if they decided to go. So, I said OK and dropped it. I ended up giving the ticket to one of my other friends, who decided she could go after all. I waited about 3 weeks and then I asked who he was going with. He e-mailed me back the next day and told me he was going with his friend, Sarah, who was the first person to tell him about John Mayer 2 years ago. But, he also said "I hope I get to see you there". He and Sarah go to the same church, and have known each other since high school. Now, she goes to school an hour away from both of us. Despite the fact that he says they're only good friends, I felt really jealous and confused when he first told me they were going together! I really like Jakob, possibly more than a friend, but know that right now isn't the best time for a relationship.

 

I saw Jakob before the concert. My friend noticed him first, and told me he pretty much ran down the stairs when he saw us! He came up and gave me a big hug ( ) and we talked for a few seconds, but the opening band was starting. So, we went back to our seats. He said "I'll talk to you later". After the opening band was finished, he came over to where I was sitting, sat beside me and we talked for about 5 minutes. He was extremely talkative and funny. We were both laughing at the bass player in the opening band. Then, he said "well, I bet she's (meaning Sarah) wondering where I am so I better get back" (he'd told her he was going to the bathroom, but took a little detour to talk to me on the way back). He's extremely polite and respectful so he wouldn't leave her there by herself for too long. But I could tell he wanted to talk longer. My friend and I kept looking up at them during the concert, because they sat one section above us (we had floor). I didn't notice them holding hands, hugging, etc... They talked occasionally, but we caught him looking over at us a few times, and staring into space! lol After the concert, we were walking out and I saw him standing outside the door, looking around. Sarah was standing beside him, kinda staring at the floor and looking bored. When we walked up he was like "hey!!" and we talked about our favorite songs. He introduced me to Sarah. I tried to strike up a conversation with her, and she was polite, but she wasn't very talkative. I have a friend that goes to her school so I hoped that she would start talking after I told her that, but she just said she liked it there. So, Jakob and I chatted for a few more seconds, but then we both had to leave. He gave me another hug and told me to tell my family "hi" for him.

 

After seeing them interact together, I can't imagine them even being friends. They definitely didn't seem like they were dating. You can always tell when two people are into each other, and they could barely maintain a conversation. But, I only saw them together for a little while. I could be wrong. My friend and I thought that maybe she asked him before I did and he just didn't want to tell me he was going with another girl? Or maybe their parents are friends and suggested they go together? Or maybe he thought that if he went with me, he might feel the way I'm feeling now and become a complete nutcase? My friend also thought that if he was on a date, he wouldn't have come over and talk to me so many times, and waited for us after the show.

 

But I don't know. I just wanted to see what you guys thought after reading this. Every time we're together, it just feels right. And I miss him like crazy when we're not. When he smiles at me and hugs me, I completely melt. Obviously, this is a problem because we both agreed to be friends, due to the distance. But I was hoping someone else could maybe help me figure out what he's thinking. And maybe give me some suggestions on how to cope with thise feelings! I'm not the kind of person to just keep my feelings inside, and he's not either, but neither one of us wants to risk our friendship and tell each other how we feel. Some people have told me to let him know what I'm thinking, and others have said to wait and let it happen naturally. We've been talking on the phone more lately, and we usually end up talking for close to an hour, just about our day and random stuff. I was hoping we could hang out over Thanksgiving break, but he has to work every day except for Thanksgiving, and has to travel back and forth Wed. night and Thurs. night. He works every day after school, and most of the day on Saturday. On Sunday, he goes to church and then finishes up homework. Basically, I know that neither of us have time for a long distance relationship, but I'm just trying to cope with the fact that we'll both be in different schools for 3 more years (possibly more, because he wants to become a youth pastor and go to seminary) and I don't know if I can stay "just friends" with him for that long. Has anyone else been in this situation before?

[DJ-TK]

Well.......

I think there is no point to play this game where no one confesses his feelings so the obvious thing to do is just tell each other how you feel... First of all, the fact he had a bad experience with long-distance relationship doesn't mean that it would happen again. I understand he really doesn't have time for a relationship but what's the point of this game ? You are close friends so you should be honest... the fact that you tell him how you feel doesn't mean it would change your whole relationship. He really likes you (as it seems base of what you told) and if you both feels the same I don't see why it should be a problem to talk about your feelings and even might get to a solution...

[Lauren83]

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post (I know it was really long). The thing is, we both know that there is something between us. It's just hard to come out and say it when we know that nothing could happen right now. Not because we don't want it to, or anything like that, but because we're both in college, have jobs, and lots of extra-curricular activities. I guess I'm a little afraid to bring up my feelings because a few months ago, we both agreed that it wasn't a good idea to start something right now. But, when we talked about it before, I didn't realize how hard it would be to keep it all inside. I guess you're right. Neither one of us will feel better about it until we talk about it. It'll have to be the right time though. I want to tell him how I feel in person, not over the phone or e-mail. Has anyone ever been in this situation? How did it turn out?

Well, thanks again for your advice!

[michali]

well... i'v got a few things to say...

while you're suffering from not telling him how you feel and sitting and thinking about it for hours ( by the way - i'm sure he's doing the same thing) you can just give him hints.

i'm sure you already realized that he feels something for you , because if he wouldn't he would act differently, so what's the point?

if you feel insecure you just give hints at first and i'm sure that after a short time you'll be sure he feels the same.

 

i'm in a long distant relationship for a year and a half and i'm not talking about 2 hours by a car i'm talking about Israel and NY so it's 11 hours by a plane.

i can just say that it's worth it...

i would be so sorry if me and my bf had decided to break up instead of staying together.

our relationship is much stronger than before , and i Even learned some things about myself.

 

i know how hard it is , i'm a jealous person , we have 7 hours difference so we had to set an hour when we can talk .

we both do much for this relationship but i know It's going to end soon.

i don't think you should give up a guy you really really like and have so much fun hanging out with because of the distant..

i think both of you should just give it a try so you wont feel in 10 years that you may missed something..

 

good luck

 

sorry if i have mistakes in my writing...

[Lauren83]

Thanks so much for your response! I'm sorry you and your boyfriend live so far away. I thought 2 hours was hard, but 11 hours is so much harder! It's really awesome that you guys can still make it work!

I think that it will probably be best if we just stay friends at least until the summer. Then, we'll have a chance to see each other more often and maybe we'll be able to figure something out. I definitely won't wait too long to tell him, because, like you said, I don't want to feel like may have missed out on something 10 years from now! Thanks again for your help!