How to cope with this?

[dreamergrl]

Of course not, why would you? It's a simple injury, that's all.

 

I have no idea why I would, it was suggested by another poster.

 

Dreamer, i don't know what to say that will truly help you, but that like many of us on LS, we're always thinking of you and wish you well

 

I don't think my friend Jamie's AD can relate to yours, since he also suffers from depression & paranoia. All i know is what it's like to be on the receiving end of his outbursts.

 

I appreciate all the good wishes. It's been a frustrating week.

 

I don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end, but I imagine it's rough. Thankfully this doesn't happen often.

 

Dreamer I wonder if figuring out if the trigger for the attack will help you understand things better, and give you piece of mind?

 

Do you remember what you ate or drank that night? You mentioned caffiene, sugar, things you shouldnt eat. Maybe some environmental things were going on around you to trigger it. You remember backing away from the table when you felt it coming on. SOmething about that whole situation set you off, so there has to be ways to prevent it from happening again. Were you nervous about the date? (i doubt it) If this never happened this way before, maybe a combination of things or chemicals came together to trigger it?

 

I do wish I knew what caused it. I want to be able to prevent it in the future.

 

I keep sugar and caffine out of my diet when I'm feeling anxious or stressed. When I'm feeling okay, I'll let it in my diet. Which has worked fine for me in the past. I had a burger for dinner, and didn't drink anything out of the normal for me.

 

I know I chose last minute not to play poker. Social anxiety was making me a bit uneasy. I normally do well in social settings, but when I am playing pool or poker or something, there has to be someone I know around. In this setting, A would have been at another table. That made me uneasy for some reason. I felt a bit intimidated with the situation. So I sat aside, and relaxed. Eventually the uneasy feeling passed. I know I played 3 games of pool, and I was doing well. A was near by finishing his game, and I felt okay playing pool. Then that's when the blank parts start. I don't remember leaving, I next remember being at his house him telling me it's not going to work out. Then I next remember my wrist bleeding. Then the ambulance.

 

The other day, I remember telling one of the paramedics that he was upset he lost at poker. I'm not sure if it's a real memory or something just imagined because I was trying so hard to remember, if that makes sense.

 

I wasn't nervous about the date, but looking back now, after some days have passed, I think he seemed distant. I do remember us going outside for a smoke and I asked him if he was upset about anything, because he wasn't acting like he normally does around me. He said no, but he thought I was mad at him (which I wasn't).

 

That's all I really remember.

 

But I know I'd never hurt myself over a guy. I never have before, and never had thoughts of doing so. I'm scared of needles for crying out loud! I've always wanted a tattoo, but never could bring myself to go through the pain. And even now I wouldn't be able to.

 

Dreamer, am I on your ignore list?

 

Nope

[boogieboy]

So from what you said, being in a hall, playing pool or poker, by yourself, surrounded by people you dont know, makes you uneasy, which starts the ball rolling? You have to have someone you know near you or you get overwhelmed by people you dont know? Thats something to explore...

[dreamergrl]

So from what you said, being in a hall, playing pool or poker, by yourself, surrounded by people you dont know, makes you uneasy, which starts the ball rolling? You have to have someone you know near you or you get overwhelmed by people you dont know? Thats something to explore...

 

Out here yes. Back home, if it was a place I knew and was familiar with, no.

[boogieboy]

Out here yes. Back home, if it was a place I knew and was familiar with, no.

 

Ok, so what do you think you would need to do, or what mindframe would you need to be in to be oblivious of the people around you? I know that when Im in a lounge or bar, I dont even think about the people around me, I'm usually focused on something. What sucks is unfortunately you cant experiment with this, because you dont know when or where you will black out.

 

Why do the people make you uneasy, do you think they will do something to you? Do you think they are thinking things about you? What about the strangers makes you uneasy?

[Ariadne]

I just have a bandage around it because it some spots it was still bleeding. The doctor told me to keep it wrapped and changed and clean. My work restriction ends after today. I'm not going to get fired.

 

I'm so sorry Dreamer.

 

All this time I thought you had one of these things on: (pic)

 

I thought that was what the doctor put on you.

 

My esl got mixed up.

[dreamergrl]

Ok, so what do you think you would need to do, or what mindframe would you need to be in to be oblivious of the people around you? I know that when Im in a lounge or bar, I dont even think about the people around me, I'm usually focused on something. What sucks is unfortunately you cant experiment with this, because you dont know when or where you will black out.

 

Why do the people make you uneasy, do you think they will do something to you? Do you think they are thinking things about you? What about the strangers makes you uneasy?

 

Well there's a lot of times where I don't feel uneasy. So it was something about this situation that made me feel uneasy. I've gained a lot of self confidence that has eased my nervousness. Although I was fine sitting off to the side by myself. I just don't get it. I guess I was worried a bit what they'd think of me. I'm still learning and I didn't want to feel stupid. But this is something that hasn't bothered me much lately.

 

I'm so sorry Dreamer.

 

All this time I thought you had one of these things on: (pic)

 

I thought that was what the doctor put on you.

 

My esl got mixed up.

 

They gave me one, but I didn't wear it. But even if I did, where I work wont fire me for something like that. In fact, I think it's against policy if I remember some of the papers I read correctly.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Hmmm, you might have felt uneasy because you sensed that something is "off" with the environment there, even people or possibly A. Maybe you picked up on a bad vibe, which would support the theory that either A or someone else slipped something into your drink.

 

Although, it is hard to imagine what A's motive would be. I gather that you have been intimate already so he didn't need to drug you to have sex.

 

Too bad they didn't run a tox screen, looks like we will never know.

[boogieboy]

I just don't get it. I guess I was worried a bit what they'd think of me. I'm still learning and I didn't want to feel stupid.

 

This is interesting, can you elaborate on this? (if you want to) Are you imagining specific things that they might be thinking? What would make you feel stupid? I'm sorry I nothing but questions....but youre narrowing this down pretty good.

[Keoki]

I know I chose last minute not to play poker. Social anxiety was making me a bit uneasy. I normally do well in social settings, but when I am playing pool or poker or something, there has to be someone I know around. In this setting, A would have been at another table. That made me uneasy for some reason. I felt a bit intimidated with the situation. So I sat aside, and relaxed. Eventually the uneasy feeling passed. I know I played 3 games of pool, and I was doing well. A was near by finishing his game, and I felt okay playing pool. Then that's when the blank parts start. I don't remember leaving, I next remember being at his house him telling me it's not going to work out. Then I next remember my wrist bleeding. Then the ambulance.

 

The other day, I remember telling one of the paramedics that he was upset he lost at poker. I'm not sure if it's a real memory or something just imagined because I was trying so hard to remember, if that makes sense.

 

I wasn't nervous about the date, but looking back now, after some days have passed, I think he seemed distant. I do remember us going outside for a smoke and I asked him if he was upset about anything, because he wasn't acting like he normally does around me. He said no, but he thought I was mad at him (which I wasn't).

 

That's all I really remember.

 

Well there's a lot of times where I don't feel uneasy. So it was something about this situation that made me feel uneasy. I've gained a lot of self confidence that has eased my nervousness. Although I was fine sitting off to the side by myself. I just don't get it. I guess I was worried a bit what they'd think of me. I'm still learning and I didn't want to feel stupid. But this is something that hasn't bothered me much lately.

 

These two quotes, combined with your other thread, lead me to think that what happened was all due to being drunk. You felt socially awkward, so you started drinking to calm your nerves. Then you felt better. So you kept drinking. And drinking. And drinking. And now here we are.

[Keoki]

I know I chose last minute not to play poker. Social anxiety was making me a bit uneasy. I normally do well in social settings, but when I am playing pool or poker or something, there has to be someone I know around. In this setting, A would have been at another table. That made me uneasy for some reason. I felt a bit intimidated with the situation. So I sat aside, and relaxed and drank. Eventually the uneasy feeling passed. I know I played 3 games of pool and kept drinking, and I was doing well. A was near by finishing his game, and I felt okay playing pool. Then that's when the blank parts start because you were so drunk. I don't remember leaving, I next remember being at his house him telling me it's not going to work out. Then I next remember my wrist bleeding. Then the ambulance.

 

The other day, I remember telling one of the paramedics that he was upset he lost at poker. I'm not sure if it's a real memory or something just imagined because I was trying so hard to remember, if that makes sense.

 

I wasn't nervous about the date, but looking back now, after some days have passed, I think he seemed distant. I do remember us going outside for a smoke and I asked him if he was upset about anything, because he wasn't acting like he normally does around me. He said no, but he thought I was mad at him (which I wasn't).

 

That's all I really remember.

 

Well there's a lot of times where I don't feel uneasy. So it was something about this situation that made me feel uneasy. I've gained a lot of self confidence that has eased my nervousness. Although I was fine sitting off to the side by myself. I just don't get it. I guess I was worried a bit what they'd think of me. I'm still learning and I didn't want to feel stupid. But this is something that hasn't bothered me much lately.

 

These two quotes, combined with your other thread, lead me to think that what happened was all due to being drunk. You felt socially awkward, so you started drinking to calm your nerves. Then you felt better. So you kept drinking. And drinking. And drinking. And now here we are.

[Keoki]

Sorry about that double post, I was trying to add what I gathered from the other thread. I could do more, but I think you get the point?

 

You were drunk, very drunk.

 

I think you probably should focus more on blaming a drinking problem than any sort of disorder. And by drinking problem, I don't mean continuous drinking, but periodic alcohol abuse, likely to calm your anxiety.

[Trialbyfire]

dreamer, I don't blame you one bit for wanting to know what happened. But I'm sincerely concerned about trying to do this, without the help of a professional, in a controlled, secure and confidential environment. Even then, you might never get to the bottom of it.

 

It's happened. We can all guess until we're blue in the face but not too many on LS, have the expertise to help you through this, including and especially myself.

 

For the interim, until you can get in to see a professional, just accept that this happened and that you're not at fault for it. Hindsight is 20/20, even if you could have avoided the situation. Focus on trying to forgive yourself and know that no matter what, even knowing what happened, won't change that it did happen. What happened, no one knows for certain. You can't change or control the past.

[sb129]

Dreamer, I don't know the details of your family situation etc, but I know that if something like this happened to me and I was struggling to afford treatment, my mum or a couple of my close friends would be only to happy to help me out if it meant getting help sooner.

 

You don't have to cope with all of this alone. Do you have good reliable support people in your life that may be able to help you out?

[dreamergrl]

I just wanted to do a quick update... for those wondering..

 

Things have been much better. Work has been going very well. My wrist looks twenty times better. I've actually been making more friends at work, several who want to hang out with me, and we have plans.

 

I've got my birthday coming up next week.. plus my birthday bbq next week Saturday, and it looks as though many of my friends will be there. I'm very much so looking forward to it.

 

And here's the part I know everyone wants to hear... I had a first two hour session with the therapist my friend recommended. While there will be a follow up next month... given everything we talked about, including that night, among some other things... She told me that while what happened was severe, it's not completely off that someone who has AD to have a severe attack once in a while. She told me that given a lot of things that has happened in the last year, all the moving and what not.. and just stuff that's happened since I've been here, she's not surprised I had a bad attack. She told me that given that I've never before done anything so drastic, and that I don't have those types of thoughts (of hurting myself or what not) that she isn't overly alarmed. She told me if I start feeling that way again too make an appointment sooner, and we'll do another evaluation. She told me to keep the larazepam on hand in case of another attack, but not to take it constantly.

[sb129]

Glad you got to see someone Dreamer.

If you are happy and are feeling better about things, then thats great.

 

Did you ever hear back from A?

[dreamergrl]

Glad you got to see someone Dreamer.

If you are happy and are feeling better about things, then thats great.

 

Did you ever hear back from A?

 

Nope I haven't, and I'm just fine about that.

 

I wont and haven't forgotten last Monday, but I'm not going to dwell on it either.

 

I'm done trying to remember, and I'm done beating myself up over it. While it's not just some silly thing I did, it's also something I've never done.

 

I knew and still know that starting my life out here would be challenging for me, in more ways then one. But I can be strong and learn how to correctly handle things. And I am and I will.

[sb129]

Excellent attitude.

 

Well done.

[dreamergrl]

Thanks SB

[Kamille]

I'm glad you feel better and that you are surrounded and feel well supported Dreamer. It is true that you've been through a lot this year!

[jen924]

That is good that Dreamer is doing better. I also think it sounds like she may be trying to make things out less serious than they actually are. I'm not trying to be harsh, but the fact is you somehow attempted to slice your wrist, with some sort of knife, and I don't think that is something you can just assume is caused by pent up stress over time or an anxiety disorder. You can't just say you have been extra stressed this year and all that other mess, because many people are like that, but do not cut themselves. Sounds like you are trying to use a logical or should I say normal explanation to explain the unusual behavior.

 

The therapist says she is not surprised of your bad attack, but surely she didn't mean including the wrist part. I just hope you are being carefully evaluated, because personally I see this as a very serious matter, whether its happened only once or more than once. Your therapist, saying she isn't overly alarmed because it happened once, is wrong if you ask me. Even if you were drugged, drunk off your arse, have an alcohol addiction or having a massive anxiety attack, built up stress, none of those things are reasonable explanations for self injury.

[dreamergrl]

I'm glad you feel better and that you are surrounded and feel well supported Dreamer. It is true that you've been through a lot this year!

 

Thanks K

 

That is good that Dreamer is doing better. I also think it sounds like she may be trying to make things out less serious than they actually are. I'm not trying to be harsh, but the fact is you somehow attempted to slice your wrist, with some sort of knife, and I don't think that is something you can just assume is caused by pent up stress over time or an anxiety disorder. You can't just say you have been extra stressed this year and all that other mess, because many people are like that, but do not cut themselves. Sounds like you are trying to use a logical or should I say normal explanation to explain the unusual behavior.

 

The therapist says she is not surprised of your bad attack, but surely she didn't mean including the wrist part. I just hope you are being carefully evaluated, because personally I see this as a very serious matter, whether its happened only once or more than once. Your therapist, saying she isn't overly alarmed because it happened once, is wrong if you ask me. Even if you were drugged, drunk off your arse, have an alcohol addiction or having a massive anxiety attack, built up stress, none of those things are reasonable explanations for self injury.

 

I'm only going to say this once - because I'm not going to continue to explain myself over and over. First off, you're not my therapist, you don't know things that I've been through in the last year, and most on LS don't know either. Things where talked about that I haven't even told another person much less posted about so you'd have any clue.

 

I never claimed that what I did was okay, or that there was a reasonable logically explaination - however, I will not continue to stress myself out over it, I can't remember for whatever the reason, and the more I try to figure things out to a tee, the more stressed I get.

 

I never have EVER injured myself or had thoughts of it. That is the reason my therapist told me why she isn't extremely alarmed. I have no marks, no history, no nothing of self inflicted injury.

 

She DID tell me it is not uncommon to block out parts of a severe attacks. I could go on and on about the things she told me, but really I don't need to. I know how I was evaluated, I know about the things talked about, I know what was told to me, and I know what was suggested to me to do to prevent future bad attacks. That is what is important.

 

I wanted to post for those who have real concern to let them know I'm doing much better. That is it. Not to have to defend myself on what I was told a licensed therapist who has professional experience with this type of thing.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm glad you found a therapist and that you're relaxing more. It sounds like your therapist is looking for patterns of behaviour, instead of freaking out over one incident.

 

Remember...To accept the things I cannot change.

[dreamergrl]

I'm glad you found a therapist and that you're relaxing more. It sounds like your therapist is looking for patterns of behaviour, instead of freaking out over one incident.

 

Remember...To accept the things I cannot change.

 

I carry with me every day the quote you gave me.

[Trialbyfire]

I carry with me every day the quote you gave me.

It's really helped me over the years so I'm glad, if it's helping you too.

[dreamergrl]

It's really helped me over the years so I'm glad, if it's helping you too.

 

It is, and knowing that it's there reminds me that I have to continue to let go what I can't change. There's nothing I can do more now, other then take care of myself, keep a handle on my AD, stay focused on tomorrow instead of yesterday, and ensure that I deal with any stress or emotion instead of letting it build up over time.