craig841 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Some of you may remember my taken female friend from my first posts who I have known for a while but finally fell in love with when I invited her to prom. My strong feelings have faded recently, which is good for me as I am no longer losing sleep over it, but I am still thinking about it. I am seeing her on Saturday for the first time in a while (and the last), and I'm wondering whether to discuss what happened at the ball, where we connected so well and had a couple of indicators from her that she was feeling the same way as I do. Do I bring it up in conversation, as the last time we met after prom the subject was like the elephant in the room, or let her bring it up if she wants to? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Is this the last time you'll see her for a while? If so, I wouldn't bring it up anymore. Why make the last time awkward? If she brings it up or the conversation moves that way, then so be it. But if it doesn't then just let a sleeping dog sleep. You know the phrase, you can't beat a dead horse. I have a feeling this subject is a dead horse to her at this point. After Saturday, if you don't see a re-kindle in those feelings then you are truly on your way to being over her. What are you hoping will happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Craig, If this is the girl you posted about, who has been with her b/f for 9+ months: NO, do not bring it up (unless you just want her to remind you that you guys are platonic friends and she is in romantic relationship with someone else.) You may have been the only one to perceive that "elephant in the room"...best not to assume that she felt or feels the same way that you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 I am hoping that she will just be nice to me and give me a sign that we still have some kind of connection. It's just weird that we have always been good friends, but recently she's being increasingly distant with me. I don't know whether it's because of her bf saying things, or whether she's just keeping me at a distance...because it's not like she hates me, we've known each other for a while. I just want things to be sorted out between us, because atm it seems like she doesn't want to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 But...isn't the fact of her agreeing to meet you on Saturday the sign that you still have some kind of (PLATONIC) connection? Her distancing could very well be (most likely is?) because she has sensed that your interest in her has become blurred...or totally crossed over, or has become obsessive. She has the absolute RIGHT to not to want to deal any further with the mess of your own unmanaged feelings and thoughts. If I recall, she has ALREADY done her part in dealing with it; has ALREADY told you that she has a boyfriend. (What more / how else do you want her to "deal with" you, about that?) IMO, if you push her any further, you could well be pushing her right out of your life. I mean...do what you gotta do, but also be prepared for a yucky outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Ronni is absolutely right. She's probably just over it by now. You've got to get out of your head. Think about it, if she really hates you would she agree to meet up? Yes, she's ignoring you and yes that's tough for anyone to take. As I said before, we all have a sub-conscious need to feel acknowledged. But she could just be busy, she could just be pretty lousy at keeping in touch. That doesn't mean she's done and over you as a friend. If you can't hang out with her this weekend as only a friend, then do yourself and her a favor and cancel the meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 Thanks guys...will post back here tomorrow to say how it went. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted September 27, 2009 Author Share Posted September 27, 2009 Well it was good seeing her and good talking to her. We didn't talk about much in particular, just stuff that we'd been doing. Our situation didn't come up, and possibly for the better. At some moments she wasn't too conversational, saying she was pretty tired, but we had a laugh and it was great. I think what's most important is that I'm pretty much over it now...if she dumps her boyfriend at some stage and eventually comes to me wanting something, then I'll be more than happy, but if she doesn't split up with him, then we have a pretty good situation anyway and can get along as friends quite happily. Part of the problem is that I'm off to uni in a week, and she is taking a year off, so we have a separation issue, but once she starts she will be easily accessible. I'll play it as it comes. Sound reasonable? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 Yes, it sounds reasonable. I'd see it more as the gift of separation...does sound as if you'd really benefit from wrapping your head around totally new ideas, experiences and people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 Thanks. It was interesting that during the entire meeting, she avoided talking about her bf. She went on holiday with him and I asked how it was, and she simply said 'great, but quite intense'. And then we moved on. He had just left home again the previous day, and I thought she would be all upset and confiding in me as a best friend. But she completely avoided the topic, which I find quite interesting. It's not like she wouldn't trust me with things like that, we've known each other for a while and trust each other. Does it show a change of attitude towards me tho? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 My GUESS is that it is more of a continuation of her NEW attitude towards you, which is one of distancing herself from you. (You already were aware of this, so to want to see it as a "change" is saying something about your own thought-beliefs.) It is also possible that, and totally understandable if, she does not wish to disclose personal & confidential information about him to you, which talking about her relationship might lead to. Basically, you don't have any proper place in her relationship or its' issues. She is acting properly; with good insight, and a sense of loyalty and appropriateness. It isn't about trusting/not trusting you; it is that some areas of her private life are none of your business, especially when there is a third party involved. It would be okay for you to start considering that HE is the one she now considers her best friend...that is what often happens in relationships. It is nothing "against" you...it is that she has a boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 And yet that is completely different to other girls who want to use me as an emotional tampon with the same kind of issue. Obviously I prefer what she is doing, but does this mean her relationship is fulfilling both her physical AND emotional needs, and therefore she needs no advice from any other person? Am looking forward to the change of scene. Getting away from this problem and making new friends. When I see her again, things should be a little easier. Thanks Ronni :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 No prob, Craig. I really would *hope* that her boyfriend is ALSO fulfilling some of her emotional needs, and not just her physical ones. And I'd hope that she'd consult with a professional who specializes in whatever area she needs "advice". As for celebrating, discussing or complaining about her current relationship, the only thing we know for sure is that she is not doing it with you. She could be doing it with her girlfriend's, siblings, mom, whomever...it really doesn't matter. Bottom line is that the relationship between the two of you has changed; her focus and attention have changed. Some of the needs and wants that you used to help her fulfill are now being fulfilled in other ways, with/by other people. It does not escape that it has been/is a very difficult transition for you. I totally agree that the change of scenery is exactly what the 'doctor would prescribe' for you Hugs, and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author craig841 Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 You've just reminded me of something...she never really complained about any of her relationships to me while they were happening. I guess I wasn't fulfilling any of her wants and needs except me being around as a decent guy. Strange. Just when I thought I understood her, the plot thickens. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 the plot thickens. Only in your own mind, Craig. Link to post Share on other sites
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