Sexual Harassment~ Boss is a creep~ I quit

[D-Lish]

Sorry- this is a bit long~

 

I've been working in the same place for a while- I like it, but it is a stepping stone. I owned my own business for a long time, and when it tanked and I lost most of my assets, I needed to rebuild my self esteem.

 

I got a job in a family owned business, it's corporate in many ways because we have a head office and it's on the verge of franchising, things are changing. I am in charge of planning and implementation of how we merchandise and what we buy. I meet with my bosses, submit a plan of how every store should look, what we need, and I go out and ensure the implementation.

 

There are a few owners- the primary owners, and the spouses. I have already dealt with a bit of family BS, but I have one Boss that crosses the line a lot.

 

He's in his late 50's, he's married, and he puts his hands on girls from the front line to the back office. 18 to 50, he doesn't discern. By hands I mean he has pressed himself against me and tried to reach around and rub my belly- he makes sexual comments, he's just a pig and I hate him.

I'll just be in the lunch room or in the back of the office and he'll find me and put his hands on me. My ass, my back, shoulders...

 

A couple girls have quit as a result- and the other owners (his siblings) know what an idiot he is. They are professional stand up people. I think they know their brother is an ass-hole but can't buy him out or something?

 

Anytime I am at the head office or we meet in the field he harasses me. A manager at one of the stores quit a couple months ago after she confided in me that he was doing the same to her and she was sick about it ( she was 21). I was involved in that since she confided in me, and I told my (female) boss that he'd done it to me also. She was beside herself- embarrassed, upset- but let the girl quit and didn't offer her lost wages or anything (she was kind though).

 

I'm poised to leave the co. because I have a new job offer on the horizon. I feel so relieved to get away from this. I just feel sick and nervous when I know I have to be in the presence of that man.

 

Here is my moral dilemma. I know I could launch a law suit and drain them dry. I also really love the other 2 bosses (other siblings), and they have gone out of their way to keep me and accomodate me. I know they can't stand their brother (even though it's mostly unspoken).

 

So, I am leaving regardless, and I would have anyway. Do I pull the other siblings aside and give them the straight up? It's only a matter of time before someone spurs an investigation and a law suit. They'd be screwed- there is a pattern.

 

It was a breaking point for me on Sunday when he cornered me in the office of one of our stores. He started rubbing my sides :sick:I always thought I'd be more outspoken- but I froze and have just felt sick since. It's getting worse, not better since he was reprimanded. He is getting worse with the cornering and grabbing (not just me). I don't know why I am shrinking to that, but I am. I don't say anything- I just get scared and feel humiliated. Where are my balls? I don't know, I think I have them and then when it happens I freeze.

 

What do I do? I love two thirds of the people that sign my pay- they truly do deserve my respect. I have two weeks left, so I don't want to work with him after if I say something.

 

I have an appointment at HO first thing tomorrow, and I feel sick knowing I might be alone with him if my appt is late.

 

Trust me, I can handle things with the best of boys- even truck talk when I was landscaping while putting myself through Uni way back. This is different. I want to leave my position now and not work my two weeks notice.

 

Do you think I have any sort of case if I ask my (other) boss's for 2 weeks pay in lieu of other damages? I don't want to be an a-hole if I'm not entitled to ask for anything.

 

I forgot to add- he has been "written up" twice according to health and safety co. I am not sure what that means for an owner...

[dobler33]

toast his ass like a marshmallow on cookout night, kitten. he knows and all the other owners know that it's just a matter of time before somebody goes to the labor board and shuts him down but good. it is not ok. let me repeat. it is NOT OK. if you didn't mind it, i might not say that. but it gives you that horrible nasty i-wanna-shower-14-times feeling in the pit of your stomach, so it's NOT OK. maybe you can save one of the other women he'll sleaze on, maybe he'll go too far next time. maybe he's gone too far already and it just hasn't been prosecuted. whatever. YOU call the shots, here. don't let anyone convince you that you don't have the right to work without being slimed all over. hope it goes well. you've got my support.

[dobler33]

one other thought - is it possible you're putting up with it and "losing your balls" when he smarms you because your professional self-esteem took a big hit when you lost your business? like, maybe, that you feel oddly grateful to the company so you don't feel like you deserve to call this bastard out? just an idea.

[moman]

If this is in the US, speak to a lawyer ASAP. This kind of sexual harassment would be a field day, especially with written documentation and possible other women who would testify. It won't matter if he's an owner, after the lawsuit, he'll be working for you. This kind of behavior cannot be tolerated.

[Citizen Erased]

D, I'm so sorry to hear about this. What a creep.

 

If you take this further, it makes it less likely he can continue to do this to the other females that work at that company. But if you're not up to it, just leave and don't look back. You must be so relieved to know you're going to be gone...

[D-Lish]

Thanks Dob- I've been putting up with it for a while now.

I think I need to start with talking to my other boss and quitting early.

 

My meeting is at 9, so I think I will see the wholesaler, then talk to my female boss ( the sister).

 

I think I just needed someone to say I am not being unreasonable or silly. But, in reality, I've felt his dick against my tailbone. He sicks me out.

 

Okay- off to bed, wish me luck tomorrow, I am going to suggest they give me two weeks pay without working it.

 

[dobler33]

you are not being unreasonable or silly. he is the reason we have sexual harassment laws. wish i could coldcock the bastard in your name. you, and all the other women he has made feel this way, deserve a helluvalot more than 2 weeks paid severence. consider prosecuting. really. you'd be doing us all a favor.

 

we'll be rooting for you tomorrow. chin up and balls out.

[D-Lish]

It's Canada- and I am not sure what my best course of action is.

 

Thanks CE

 

I am sure I could sue the pants off of them, seeing as though the pattern should be documented... But I wonder if the pattern actually has been documented, or dealt with internally? If dealt with internally- which means sibling to sibling- is there a trail of paperwork?

 

Is asking for two weeks pay in exchange for not having to see him anymore fair to ask?

 

Night all- let you know what happens tomorrow.

[Citizen Erased]

Balls out D, balls out. Good luck.

[boldjack]

D-lish, I hate scum like this guy worse than death. Burn his weasely ass to ashes.

[sweetjasmine]

Thanks Dob- I've been putting up with it for a while now.

I think I need to start with talking to my other boss and quitting early.

 

My meeting is at 9, so I think I will see the wholesaler, then talk to my female boss ( the sister).

 

I think I just needed someone to say I am not being unreasonable or silly. But, in reality, I've felt his dick against my tailbone. He sicks me out.

 

Okay- off to bed, wish me luck tomorrow, I am going to suggest they give me two weeks pay without working it.

 

 

omg, what a piece of sh-t scumbag! You're definitely not being unreasonable or silly.

 

And what are the siblings doing about it? They know what's going on, but what are they doing to stop it? If they're sticking their fingers in their ears and going lalala I can't hear you, then they deserve to get sued, too.

[Taramere]

omg, what a piece of sh-t scumbag! You're definitely not being unreasonable or silly.

 

And what are the siblings doing about it? They know what's going on, but what are they doing to stop it? If they're sticking their fingers in their ears and going lalala I can't hear you, then they deserve to get sued, too.

 

 

Agreed. This guy, and the ineffective response from other bosses, reminds me of a situation I had in my twenties. Residential work with teenagers. I was having a really difficult time for my first few months there, and the creep of the workplace was smelling out the weakness like a hyena. My working relationship with this guy, who was often my shift partner, involved me continually trying to dodge his touches, ignore his sexualised comment (frequently made in front of the boys in the home) and trying to resist getting embroiled in the lengthy convos he wanted to haveabout office politics. All of which I knew full well he was doing to increase my feelings of insecurity in the workplace to make me an easier target. But knowing what's going on and knowing how to deal with it don't always go hand in hand.

 

There weren't many people I could confide in. I spoke to a couple of the ultra politically correct women there, but surprisingly they gave me an "oh that's just what he's like" and also gave out strong "drop it" messages. So I stopped talking to them about it and the harassment got worse. On his days off, he'd turn up when I was on shift with other people - especially if it was nice weather (the chance of maybe seeing more flesh on display, presumably). One morning it was my day off. The intercom of my flat rang...and it was him. "I was just in the area. Wondered if I could use your bathroom" "No. Sorry, no. You're not coming in. How did you know where I live?". It had got to that point where I was as blatant as that about feeling creeped out by him...yet still he'd respond in a jovial way that carefully ignored any expressions of me being creeped out. "I'll just be a minute. I need to use your toilet." "NO! Go to a pub or something."

 

Then one of the kids complained that she found this guy really creepy. She got the third degree from staff along the lines of "you can't just say that about a member of staff without being specific and giving examples that support your comments." So I went to my boss, and talked about the touching, the trips to the workplace when he wasn't actually working, the staring, the sexualised comments he'd make to me in front of the kids. My boss nodded sadly and said "I know". Again I got that vibe of "I know, but drop it. Nothing can be done about him. It's just the way he is"

 

A bit like D-lish is getting here. When you encounter it, it's like you're visiting a parallel universe where people you like and are supposed to be able to trust are grinning apologetically at you for the fact that things really aren't as they should be, but that they're not going to do anything about it...despite being all full of gung-ho and principles in the ordinary course of events. A week or so later, this creepy individual was blathering the usual sh*t about power, tactics, strategies etc etc. Quite a few staff were off sick with stress - which is standard in that kind of workplace, but he wanted to take credit for that. "By the time I'm done...most of the team will be off on long term sick leave." We were due to have a team building session a couple of weeks later. I said I'd be raising his comments there. He smirked and said "prove it".

 

He'd say things like this in a cosy way as though the two of us were best of buddies, or in cahoots of some kind - even when I was absolutely radiating hostility. Anyway, I did raise it during the team building session. Reiterated the whole conversation including the "prove it" part. Despite all the bs he'd come out with when it was just the two of us in a room, he admitted to it all very readily. He left the room in tears and I felt horrible. The rest of the staff wanted to crucify him at that point, but that was pretty hypocritical given that they'd all known what he was like for ages.

 

D-lish...sorry for hijacking this by regurgitatin my own experience, but the environment you're describing rings so many bells. The sleaziness and the ineffectual way that the nice, well-meaning people in charge deal (or don't deal) with it. It's not a good place to be. You have to make a call on how you'll deal with this based on whether you think you've got the resilience to see it through. And knowing that whatever the outcome is, it's probably not going to be one you'll be 100% okay with.

[grogster]

I handle sexual harassment (technically referred to as Hostile Work Environment) cases (on the Employer side) in the US.

 

These claims are often brought under Title VII and the state law analogue.

 

I do not know your Rights under Canadian law, but I strongly recommend that you consult a Canadian employment lawyer.

 

The perps are often married guys in their 50's.

[Taramere]

I think she'd also benefit from talking about this to a counsellor. A lawyer will help with the legal aspects of it, but people are often more liable to be targeted in these situations when their self esteem is at a low ebb. Harassment exacerbates the problem. You shouldn't be trying to deal with this alone, D-lish. Get some outside help.

[KikiW]

Tolerating their brother's behavior is akin to condoning it, and they are leaving themselves open to a HUGE lawsuit whether it's brought on by you or someone else. They are being incredibly stupid.

 

Do what you need to do to keep this guy away from you, and if the people you like get hurt in the process, well sorry, but they should have had the guts to make sure this guy didn't make them all go bankrupt from a lawsuit.

[Star Gazer]

DO NOT sign anything, D!!!

 

PM me when you get back.

[Trialbyfire]

D, here's some short form information from our mutual government about the Labour Standards that govern Sexual Harassment:

 

http://www.hrsdc.gc.ca/eng/labour/publications/employment_standards/harassment.shtml

 

What a creep-show.

[quankanne]

I am so tempted to tell you to grab his little weenie and twist really, really hard while you do some 'splaining to him ... but that would mean (1) you'd actually have to physically interact with that odious creature and (2) he'd have grounds to say you threatened or harassed him. Unless you did it in a roomful of other victims?

[D-Lish]

Sorry I took so long to get back-

 

Well, I haven't signed anything- I had some contracts to finish up with, and I finished with them yesterday and I am done working with them. I am apparantly getting paid for two extra weeks, but I meet with HR next week, Monday.

 

I feel so relieved.

 

The last girl that left never had to sign a release- and as far as I know, they aren't going to ask me to do so. I still talk to the other young girl that left the company and she didn't get any sort of settlement or anything- it appears it was just swept under the rug.

 

There was so much chatter about patterns from the same guy- but who knows if it was ever documented.

 

My biggest fear is that because it is still a family run business, that maybe because the offender is part of the family, that it was never truly documented.

 

I start my new job October 15th.

[D-Lish]

You know what is funny? I consider myself someone that would stand up to this sort of thing... but when it happened to me in person, I froze. I got scared and I just didn't know what to do- so I said nothing and let it happen.

 

I think I feel more humiliated by my lack of response than anything else.

 

I am sure I could sue for damages, the more I read up, the more I think I could. But I still kick my own ass for saying nothing during the act. I was scared and humiliated.

[dobler33]

that's exactly right, lovey. he scared and humiliated you, and that's what he does so that no one stands up to him and claps his nasty arse in chains. he's clearly really, really good at what he does, and he has the tacit assistance of his entire family behind him, cleaning up his messes. the reason that you feel scared and humiliated is because that is what he intended you to feel, not because you are weak or wrong. looks to me like he's had a lifetime of practice. at this point i'd advocate for you to make a stink about it, if only so that you can reassure yourself that you are still you, even after some slimy bastard does his number on you. if you didn't have to sign anything then you're not legally bound in any way, and you can go after him whenever you're ready. but here's what i want you to hear and know: YOU are not the one who has to feel bad about this. YOU are not the one who transgressed and acted horribly. YOU did not ask for it, YOU did not encourage it, YOU do not have to shoulder any of the guilt or nastiness of his offenses. whether you bring him down in flames or you walk away and never look back, YOU are still the victor here.

 

sending love.

[davo1224]

Yeah much love girl. You shouldn't have to put up with that. Don't feel bad if you didn't stand up for yourself. He's trying to manipulate you and not everyone is superhuman. The fact that you haven't backed down or put up with is good.

[westernxer]

Couldn't he be charged criminally?

[Awesome Username]

I really feel for you in this. It seems obvious what you should do from the outside, but living the situation feels completely different because you feel like you could potentially ruin everything. This guy is a SCUMBAG and whoever is letting him act like this (brother?) is probably joking about it with his buddies. Just because you're a polite, attractive young women doesn't give anyone the right to treat you like that. That isn't even "brush it off" flirting by any stretch of the imagination. Keep written records and dates of the stuff that happens if you can. If you stop him, you will save a future young woman from being harassed.

 

 

[Lucky_One]

You know what is funny? I consider myself someone that would stand up to this sort of thing... but when it happened to me in person, I froze. I got scared and I just didn't know what to do- so I said nothing and let it happen.

 

I think I feel more humiliated by my lack of response than anything else.

 

I am sure I could sue for damages, the more I read up, the more I think I could. But I still kick my own ass for saying nothing during the act. I was scared and humiliated.

 

It's funny, isn't it, how you react so differently to how you always THINK you would react. I went on a first date once with a guy, and he ordered me a double G&T when I got to the table, and I asked the waitress (with a smile and a laugh) to NOT bring it, as I was driving home. He went to the bar (excuse was going to restroom) and told her to bring a double anyway, as he was paying. Anyway -at the end of the night, he tried to kiss me goodnight. I sort of gently pushed him away and turned my head from him, and he pushed me up against my car and held my head in his hands and stuck his tongue down my throat thoroughly. And I froze.

 

I didn't want to make a scene, I didn't want to embarass him (HOW IDIOTIC IS THAT???), I didn't scream, I didn't bring my knee up, I didn't stick my finger down my throat and give him back the double G&T and the

chimichanga he paid for.

 

I am STILL furious with myself, and that was 5 years ago. It is horrible sometimes how our social conditioning takes precedent over our common sense and our sense of outrage.