Divorce won't make you any happier, study says

[Sam Spade]

fascinating read, and rigorous academic research (university of chicago sociology is as good as it gets):

 

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

[LakesideDream]

Boggles the mind. Difficult read, and disturbing.

[ryepatch]

i really wish my wife would read this. . . anybody want to email her the link for me?

[singledad2]

Now if I could only get her to read this.

[LisaUk]

Thanks for that, that's an advert for Commitment if ever I heard one, and exactly what i was trying to convey to my ex all along!

[dgiirl]

For the most part, I AM happier I did not ask for the divorce, he walked out. But after 4 years, I am happier with my life.

 

Is everything perfect? No! I still have stress. I still have worries. I still have the average relationship problems. I'm not at the stage where I wanted to be in life. I still have some lingering anger about my divorce.

 

But my life is so much more relaxing, peaceful, quiet, enjoyable, fun, and sociable. I have a better job, a better place to live, a better relationship with my bf, and I'm closer to family and friends. My self-esteem and self-confidence has gone back up, and I feel 10 years younger than I did while married.

 

I guess it's like the study says how married people just found other ways to fulfill their happiness. I made my life better after the divorce so that I could be happy again.

 

But I do secretly hope his life is not better.

[PWSX3]

Like the saying goes; it's not always greener on the other side....

[Angel1111]

It's crap. If I hadn't left my ex-husband, I would've eventually killed myself. Even now, I can't stand to be in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes. Even his son can hardly stand him. Maybe I'm not ecstatic in my life now, but I never, ever regretted leaving him - or any of the other asses I was with.

[LisaUk]

It's crap. If I hadn't left my ex-husband, I would've eventually killed myself. Even now, I can't stand to be in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes. Even his son can hardly stand him. Maybe I'm not ecstatic in my life now, but I never, ever regretted leaving him - or any of the other asses I was with.

 

The point is you were once very happy with him, otherwise you would not have married him. The article is making the point that if you work though your problems you can be happy again and will probably be happier than if are having left.

 

I think the crux of it is that those who give up are no happier b/c they do not know how to achieve happiness, like everything that is worthwhile in life, nothing comes easily. Those that leave do not, and still have not, developed the necessary skills to maintain a happy relationship or life.

 

Read back the part to yourself where you say "I never ever regretted leaving him-or any of the other asses I was with", I'm not saying you weren't with asses or that your H was a saint, but what the article is saying is that those who blame others and give up and walk away do not achieve happiness b/c they do not have the skills to do so.

[Angel1111]

The point is you were once very happy with him, otherwise you would not have married him. The article is making the point that if you work though your problems you can be happy again and will probably be happier than if are having left.

 

I think the crux of it is that those who give up are no happier b/c they do not know how to achieve happiness, like everything that is worthwhile in life, nothing comes easily. Those that leave do not, and still have not, developed the necessary skills to maintain a happy relationship or life.

 

Read back the part to yourself where you say "I never ever regretted leaving him-or any of the other asses I was with", I'm not saying you weren't with asses or that your H was a saint, but what the article is saying is that those who blame others and give up and walk away do not achieve happiness b/c they do not have the skills to do so.

 

Right. There's something about me that attracts the wrong kind of man. I know that. So until I am able to attract a good man into my life, I prefer to be alone. Because, in my mind, there is absolutely nothing worse than being in an unfixable, bad marriage. That's why I hate these statistics because it causes people to continue to second-guess themselves and continue to stay in dysfunctional relationships.

 

Yes, there are marriages that just need some work and understanding and they would be fine. But there are a lot of marriages that aren't like that. There are people who do not want to work on things, they only want their way. I went through marriage counseling and all the rest. But my ex just did not get it - and he still doesn't. He alienates so many people - including his brother, son, etc. There's no talking to people like this.

 

Yes, I was wrong to be with these people, I was wrong for not being able to read the warning signs, and for not understanding myself well enough. But the truth is, there was no amount of work with any of the guys I was with that was going to make the relationship work. That's why I have no regrets about leaving - because I tried very hard before I walked away. I knew then for sure that it wasn't fixable.

[LisaUk]

Right. There's something about me that attracts the wrong kind of man. I know that. So until I am able to attract a good man into my life, I prefer to be alone. Because, in my mind, there is absolutely nothing worse than being in an unfixable, bad marriage. That's why I hate these statistics because it causes people to continue to second-guess themselves and continue to stay in dysfunctional relationships.

 

Yes, there are marriages that just need some work and understanding and they would be fine. But there are a lot of marriages that aren't like that. There are people who do not want to work on things, they only want their way. I went through marriage counseling and all the rest. But my ex just did not get it - and he still doesn't. He alienates so many people - including his brother, son, etc. There's no talking to people like this.

 

Yes, I was wrong to be with these people, I was wrong for not being able to read the warning signs, and for not understanding myself well enough. But the truth is, there was no amount of work with any of the guys I was with that was going to make the relationship work. That's why I have no regrets about leaving - because I tried very hard before I walked away. I knew then for sure that it wasn't fixable.

 

Absolutley, it takes two to make the marriage work, if one isn't giving or pulling for it, one cannot do it alone. But the statistic still stands b/c the article makes that point, both partners worked at the relationship.

[donnamaybe]

My PERSONAL study indicates that divorce can make one VERY happy!

[grogster]

That's perhaps true in the aggregate, but life is not lived in the aggregate. We live, love and die as individuals.

 

Almost 6 years after leaving my wife, I'm substantially happier, healthier and content.

 

Marriage beyond a certain point is not for everyone.

 

But I am interested in the Study, and I'll check it out.

 

Thanks for the link, Sam.

[Confused4Now]

My PERSONAL study indicates that divorce can make one VERY happy!

Amen to that!!! Like Angel1111....I was married to a verbally/emotionally abusive wife. I finally got out with help from friends and family. Abuse is about control and I was constantly put down and my self esteem was always on a all time low. I do agree that it takes TWO to make a marriage work. My ex didn't see it as she was the problem it was always me. I'm so glad to be

Divorced....the only thing I miss out of it is the Family get togethers....

[Thaddeus]

I think the point of the article is that one's happiness is not dependent upon whether one is married or not. Other people and situations can have an influence, but they don't change our core.

[2sure]

Yep. I have had three marriages I have not been happy with. Heading toward the third divorce. See a trend here?

[soheartbroken]

I don't take much from the study.

 

Of course divorce doesn't always lead to happiness. The person who doesn't want it is miserable! Look at LS! So you would from the outset expect that at least 50% of the people surveyed after a divorce would be unhappy, especially those interviewed within, say, 3 years of their divorce.

 

This doesn't tell us what most of us on LS want to know. Is the one who left us happy after divorcing us?

 

For the study to be useful it should distinguish between the dumper and the dumpee (or mutual cases).

[LisaUk]

I don't take much from the study.

 

Of course divorce doesn't always lead to happiness. The person who doesn't want it is miserable! Look at LS! So you would from the outset expect that at least 50% of the people surveyed after a divorce would be unhappy, especially those interviewed within, say, 3 years of their divorce.

 

This doesn't tell us what most of us on LS want to know. Is the one who left us happy after divorcing us?

 

For the study to be useful it should distinguish between the dumper and the dumpee (or mutual cases).

 

It does SHB, both parties were interviewed and tested not just the dumped. The results ar a reflection of both those left and the leavers.

[soheartbroken]

Correct, it interviewed both. That's my point. It should have grouped those that were left into one category, and assessed general happiness. And grouped those that did the leaving into another category. Instead it just jumbled them all together. The happiness scores may have just been driven down by the ones who were dumped, while the dumpers brought the scores up slightly.

 

The fact that the scores reflect the dumpers AND dumpees does not tell us if the one who wants the divorce is happy years later. And that's what most of us on LS want to know right? Is the one who ended the relationship likely to be happy.

[carhill]

Yep. I have had three marriages I have not been happy with. Heading toward the third divorce. See a trend here?

Same for my stbx. She *seems* happier now, so maybe she's the exception. One more marriage to secure her retirement and I think she'll be done with men.

[lupa]

I'm starting to see a pattern (I'm new to this) that the folks who are the ones leaving the marriage are just running from themselves.

[donnamaybe]

I'm starting to see a pattern (I'm new to this) that the folks who are the ones leaving the marriage are just running from themselves.

 

Not in my case. I didn't run. I pushed a selfish, self centered arse OUT my door and out of my life.

[grogster]

I'm starting to see a pattern (I'm new to this) that the folks who are the ones leaving the marriage are just running from themselves.

 

Not always. I ran to myself.

 

Marriage does not fit all people at all stages of life. Like all institutions, marriage has its limits.

[donnamaybe]

Not always. I ran to myself.

 

Perfectly stated, Grogster.

 

When my ex was dating me, he was so very different. Once the ring went on, he figured he could let the facade drop. What he DIDN'T count on was the prenup I prepared myself being iron clad. My attorney said she couldn't have done better. Saved my retirement fund from his grubby little paws.

[Trialbyfire]

I suspect there are too many variables that aren't taken into consideration with this study. This study is based on five years after. I'd like to see a study done, 10 years after.

 

People who are determined to make a marriage work, at all costs, even, as the study references, the 9% who remained married with domestic violence inclusive, won't ever admit they're unhappy, by remaining in the marriage. Same goes for the ones who remained due to infidelity, although, IMO, there are some who do honestly recover from it.

 

Btw, so that everyone is aware, each of the individuals who wrote this study, is extremely pro-keeping marraige together, at whatever cost(s). Most have financial gain or religious bias, for wanting to keep marriages together.

 

As for myself, divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to me.