Divorce won't make you any happier, study says

[grogster]

Perfectly stated, Grogster.

 

When my ex was dating me, he was so very different. Once the ring went on, he figured he could let the facade drop. What he DIDN'T count on was the prenup I prepared myself being iron clad. My attorney said she couldn't have done better. Saved my retirement fund from his grubby little paws.

 

That's scary. Was the facade drop sudden or gradual? In my case, the marital bonds frayed because my ex, who is a very good person, was never home because of her job. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder especially over years. Then I had my Affair, and the bonds broke. (Note: My Affair was inexcuseable).

 

I do understand the marital endurance movement. If I had stuck it out, would our marriage have improved? Perhaps.

 

Tonight, I shall read with interest the OP-referenced Study.

[grogster]

I suspect there are too many variables that aren't taken into consideration with this study. This study is based on five years after. I'd like to see a study done, 10 years after.

 

People who are determined to make a marriage work, at all costs, even, as the study references, the 9% who remained married with domestic violence inclusive, won't ever admit they're unhappy, by remaining in the marriage. Same goes for the ones who remained due to infidelity, although, IMO, there are some who do honestly recover from it.

 

Btw, so that everyone is aware, each of the individuals who wrote this study, is extremely pro-keeping marraige together, at whatever cost(s). Most have financial gain or religious bias, for wanting to keep marriages together.

 

As for myself, divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

There does seem to be a disjunct between the Study's negative conclusions and the more positive anecdotal posts, here.

 

None of us is a cheer leader for divorce. Nonetheless, many of us report substantially greater happiness after our marriages have ended.

 

That's in line with an AARP poll of a few years ago.

[norajane]

There are two things I found interesting. It seems 74% of the divorces occurred in couples who had said they were happy 5 years earlier. So that would skew the stats, wouldn't it? If all those people were happy the first time around, and they more recently divorced, then they became unhappy and may not yet have bounced back from the divorce fall-out.

 

The other things was that 3 out of 4 unhappily married people are married to people who are happy in their marriage. Seems so one-sided!

[Angel1111]

There are two things I found interesting. It seems 74% of the divorces occurred in couples who had said they were happy 5 years earlier. So that would skew the stats, wouldn't it? If all those people were happy the first time around, and they more recently divorced, then they became unhappy and may not yet have bounced back from the divorce fall-out.

 

The other things was that 3 out of 4 unhappily married people are married to people who are happy in their marriage. Seems so one-sided!

 

This happens ALL the time. There's this continual slant on the mistakes of leaving marriages. The truth is, if society is so f****g bent on keeping society together through marriage, then TEACH PEOPLE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS IN SCHOOL instead of subliminally trying to coerce them into staying in bad situations!!!!

[donnamaybe]

That's scary. Was the facade drop sudden or gradual? In my case, the marital bonds frayed because my ex, who is a very good person, was never home because of her job. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder especially over years. Then I had my Affair, and the bonds broke. (Note: My Affair was inexcuseable).

 

I do understand the marital endurance movement. If I had stuck it out, would our marriage have improved? Perhaps.

 

It was fairly sudden, to a degree. I mean, I saw a little indication of some selfishness prior to the M, but I chalked that up to age as he was 8 years younger than I, as well as not having had much responsibility to date.

 

For example, he used to go out of his way to do things with my kids (not his) like buying a model and putting it together with my son, or playing with them outside. Once we were married, he went TOTALLY selfish and quit doing ANYTHING with my kids, as well as his own once our son was born. Like I would make dinner for four of us, and he would muscle his way in front of everyone and take HALF of what I had prepared for himself; even pushing in front of me while I was trying to make the plate for our four year old son!

 

I tried and tried to reason with him, and his enabling mother was no help at all! He smoked a LOT of pot, and he would go through $40 worth in three days. That comes to $400 a month on pot! And he would NEVER go without! One day his mom called and she could tell by my voice that I was upset about something, and she asked, so I told her we'd been arguing about the pot thing. I wasn't upset about it by itself, but by the frantic pace at which he used it and the fact that we couldn't afford it. Her answer? "Well, you buy groceries!"

 

It was like living in the Twilight Zone. I opted out.

 

As for your situation, I can understand how that might lead to an affair which, I agree with you, is never an answer. A relationship has to be nurtured by BOTH parties.

[sumdude]

My ex wife didn't really know how to be happy in our marriage. She didn't really know how to be happy before it. It's pretty likely that she doesn't know how to be happy after leaving me and in her current marriage. But I have no idea if she's happy or not now so she could be in nirvana for all i know, or care.

 

She was the sort of person who would start a new job. Talk excitedly about her new boss and how she loves the place. Within 2 months to a year there would be enemies, awful people and she would just have to quit the job or end up 'laid off'.

 

As for myself it's hard to judge with all the other things that have happened in my life since she left including my father's passing.

 

Over all I'm less stressed without her around but lonely more often.

 

Even though she ended the relationship looking back I think I'm better off without her. She really was a bit of an emotional vampire and caused so many issues.. but she just couldn't help herself.

 

So as to the article I would say in general people are about as happy as they decide to be whether married, single or divorced. Obviously there are certain situations where a divorce will free someone from a really bad situation but on the average most just happen because someone isn't happy and think they can blame it on being married only to eventually find that wherever you go, there you are.

[Trialbyfire]

She was the sort of person who would start a new job. Talk excitedly about her new boss and how she loves the place. Within 2 months to a year there would be enemies, awful people and she would just have to quit the job or end up 'laid off'.

 

As for myself it's hard to judge with all the other things that have happened in my life since she left including my father's passing.

 

Over all I'm less stressed without her around but lonely more often.

 

Even though she ended the relationship looking back I think I'm better off without her. She really was a bit of an emotional vampire and caused so many issues.. but she just couldn't help herself.

 

So as to the article I would say in general people are about as happy as they decide to be whether married, single or divorced.

sumdude, your wife shows some classic signs of NPD. Whether she's one fully, only a professional can diagnose this.

 

Yes, people are as happy as they allow themselves to be.

[JamesM]

A number of assumptions are made by supporters of both. But to say that in yours or my situation, divorce is best or not the way to go cannot be simply, "Stay as you will be happier."

 

Two statements jumped out at me regarding those who said they had happier marriages.

 

The first made sense to me as how the marriage became happier. The bolded statement is more true than newlyweds realize. While my marriage is not happy for me now, I think marital endurance has worked for other problems in the past. A phrase I use in life and have said here, "This too shall pass" is very appropriate when handling some seemingly unfixable problems.

 

In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.

 

And the next one did, too, which I am not quoting. Obviously working at it will make a happier marriage if both do so. No one would argue with that.

 

But the third statement is more applicable to me and I have a hard time accepting.

 

Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.

 

Think about it. Basically, two people began to live individual lives to stay happy, Then after time passed, they were happy in their married but separate lives. So, this does not mean they had a happy marriage. They simply built a happy life. This is what I do not want. This is what has been suggested to me as a solution to my own situation.

 

Anyone who has read my threads knows that I am against divorce as a first option (and for me as an option period), but if one person refuses to help fix the marriage, then it is possible that a divorce will make the situation better.

 

Having said that, I believe that one person can make a difference. And if two people decide to change the marriage...even if there were an affair, then it could end up being happier in the end. The marriages that went from unhappy to happy did so because both partners worked at it. Or they became happy because one person was patient when no solution was had, or both were patient. The basis for this is a commitment when the feelings seemed to have disappeared.

 

It is true that in many situations, people choose divorce before really trying to fix the marriage. Many assume things won't get better and want happiness now. If t hey simply were patient (assuming no physical abuse or cheating with refusal to quit), then they may find that their current marriage would truly be happier in the long run.

 

One thing that is always hard for us to do is predict how our future would be. And looking back is always different than what it seemed at the time. So, if now (as has been said) I live an unhappy life, then I will look at my past marriage focusing on the happy parts. However, if I am happier now with someone else, then I will focus quicker on the unhappier parts of the marriage.

 

IMO, one should never choose divorce until all other options have been exhausted...provided the partner either commits to trying to fix the marriage or does not try to destroy the marriage.

 

IMO, so many people develop an attitude about "What is in it for me" and "If my needs are not being met, then I will quit." Because of this, many possibly great marriages are destroyed before they even had a chance to grow.

[donnamaybe]

Yes, people are as happy as they allow themselves to be.

 

...within the constraints of their environment.

[sumdude]

sumdude, your wife shows some classic signs of NPD. Whether she's one fully, only a professional can diagnose this.

 

Yes, people are as happy as they allow themselves to be.

 

EX wife my dear.

 

I think so, or at least borderline. The compulsive lying was a whole nother ball of wax. She was in and out of therapy but wouldn't really talk about it. At one point she even had arguments with her therapist in the same way.

 

It's really strange now to look back at some of the things she said after she left. She really didn't know better and tried in her effed up way to tell me. At one point she said she was bad for me... I think that was one of the more honest things she ever said.

 

I will say this much. Just the other day I was sitting in the motorboat I bought this summer. Drifting there on a cloudless perfect day on the river, talking to a buddy from work with a cold one my hand and I said "It's a good thing she left me or I wouldn't be here right now!"

 

All things considered, even though there's that little part of me that wants her to hurt for the way she treated me my better part wants her to actually be happy for a change. Otherwise I feel for the poor guy she's married to now, he had no idea what he was getting into.. neither did I.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, borderline is apparently the female equivalent to NPD, which might or might not include self-mutilation.

 

Compulsive lying and arguing with her therapist. Yikes!

 

Some marriages aren't meant to be "saved", which includes yours and mine, sumdude. IMO, domestic violence cases fall in the same category.

 

Sanity aka divorce, over already broken marriage vows, due to abuse, whether it's mental, emotional or physical.

 

Oh, another stat embedded in that study said that 21% of the individuals who chose divorce, were in marriages with domestic violence. I can't imagine how many years, if ever, it would take to recover happiness, after that kind of scenario. While bodies heal, hearts and minds remain battered.

[marlena]

...within the constraints of their environment.

 

True. You can't be happy when someone is making your life a living hell unless of course you are a masochist or thrive on drama in which case you are a sick individual who needs help.

 

What impressed me is that a lot of people endured their marriages just out of sheer stubborness. To these people, I say, you get what you deserve. Staying in a marriage just to be able to say that you stuck it through to the bitter end is not something praiseworthy IMO. A marriage isn't something one should have to endure like a prison sentence. Nor is it boot camp for heaven's sake.

 

I am willing to admit that some marriages are salvageable but some are simply not. Someone who stays in an abusive marriage for years, throwing his/her life away, has little self-esteem and not a clue as to how wonderful life can be.

[JamesM]

What impressed me is that a lot of people endured their marriages just out of sheer stubborness. To these people, I say, you get what you deserve. Staying in a marriage just to be able to say that you stuck it through to the bitter end is not something praiseworthy IMO.

 

I didn't get the impression that the motivation was to say they stuck with it to the bitter end. I instead thought that they stuck with it because they thought it would get better.

 

Of course, the reverse of those that stuck with it and ended up happy again, are those who stayed with it and things never changed.

 

I am willing to admit that some marriages are salvageable but some are simply not.

 

True. The question is...how does one determine if his or her marriage is salvageable without sticking with it for awhile at least. Then the question is...what level of unhappiness are people willing to take before leaving the marriage.

 

Someone who stays in an abusive marriage for years, throwing his/her life away, has little self-esteem and not a clue as to how wonderful life can be.

 

Any time one is in a physically abusive marriage, then it is easy to say get out. And I agree that person should. And in those cases, one can see how having an attitude of "I deserve this" is a sign that one thinks less of him or herself.

 

But then the definition gets fuzzy as to what abuse is. And to say that someone sticks with his or her marriage due to low self-esteem ignores that love and commitment DO enter into the equation.

 

Two comments are usually made by divorced couples:

 

"We should have done that sooner."

 

Or

 

"Looking back, I think we could have tried harder."

 

This does not necessarily reflect on their current happiness, but looking back is always easier. The question is...which is the better sentiment to have?

[donnamaybe]

The question is...how does one determine if his or her marriage is salvageable without sticking with it for awhile at least. Then the question is...what level of unhappiness are people willing to take"Looking back, I think we could have tried harder."

 

I finally decided, after 6 years of banging my head into a brick wall, that we had to end it when I saw the look on our 5 year old son's face during the last fight. I knew then and there that the fighting was going to be OVER!

 

"Looking back, I think we could have tried harder."

 

Looking back, he could have tried AT ALL!

[2.50 a gallon]

To me it was like trying to paint the Mona Lisa with a power painter, way to broad.

 

How do you define happiness. Happiness is defined by the individual. Ask a million people and get a million definitions. For some it is money, power, job success, or simplier like petting a dog.

 

For those who were unhappy in their marriage, then happier 5 years later it could simply be that they have finally reached their individual goals, financially, job security, and are now able to apply that to their marriage.

 

We are each individuals, living our own individual lives, we have to find our own happiness, before we can successfully share it with a lover and marriage

 

They didn't ask me. Add this to you survey? I am so happy I got a divorce, in fact it is the best thing that ever happened to me.

[trippi1432]

Obviously, my STBX didn't take this survey...he would tell them that it is easy to move on and already start making plans to do everything that your ex-wife would have loved for you to do to save your marriage.

[ryepatch]

Correct, it interviewed both. That's my point. It should have grouped those that were left into one category, and assessed general happiness. And grouped those that did the leaving into another category. Instead it just jumbled them all together. The happiness scores may have just been driven down by the ones who were dumped, while the dumpers brought the scores up slightly.

 

The fact that the scores reflect the dumpers AND dumpees does not tell us if the one who wants the divorce is happy years later. And that's what most of us on LS want to know right? Is the one who ended the relationship likely to be happy.

 

hey shb! how are you tonight?

 

the thing is, it isn't always clear in every case who left who. most of the people here are here because it was so one-sided, but not all of them. you'd have to find some consistent way of assessing who left whom. who filed for divorce? who moved out? what if someone kicked out their partner, but refused to file? what if there's a mutually agreed upon separation, or say person A demands divorce during an affair then changes their mind, but person B files because they can't get over an affair?

 

i agree, though, such a study would be more useful, and more to the point.

 

think of it this way, though. . . often the person who left did so because they simply lack relationship skills. they're less likely to be happy in the long run, whereas we come on here and learn about all this stuff and hopefully "find ourselves. . ." we might be happier than our exes in five years!

 

those second marriages that end in divorce are probably made up of the leavers. . .

[trippi1432]

hey shb! how are you tonight?

 

those second marriages that end in divorce are probably made up of the leavers. . .

 

 

First and seconds....who is us who hold on to the nothingness of life.

[SummerLady]

fascinating read, and rigorous academic research (university of chicago sociology is as good as it gets):

 

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

 

I do not advocate divorce BUT marriage only works when both participants are deeply commited. All the issues that come after getting divorced are not permanent issues. Child custody, child support, visitation. Child issues at first are a pain to negotiate but once that is done its done. Plus children are not children forever, that scenairo will soon pass too. If you can work out the marriage then by all means do so. My divorce HAS made me happier. My marriage was a horrible and should have never happened. I am way happier despite all the bull **** afterwards. Why stay misreable if you don't have to. You only have one life, enjoy:)

[JamesM]

Why stay misreable if you don't have to. You only have one life, enjoy:)

 

And that is why many people do not take the time to work on their marriage. (No, I meant it in general and not to you, SL).

 

Marriage requires two people to sometimes put off being happy today with the idea that tomorrow will be happier. Too many people quit when it gets tough and never realize the happiness that comes from hard work and patience.

[donnamaybe]

And that is why many people do not take the time to work on their marriage. (No, I meant it in general and not to you, SL).

 

Marriage requires two people to sometimes put off being happy today with the idea that tomorrow will be happier. Too many people quit when it gets tough and never realize the happiness that comes from hard work and patience.

 

In the case of relationships, it comes from hard work and patience on the part of BOTH parties.

[JamesM]

In the case of relationships, it comes from hard work and patience on the part of BOTH parties.

 

For the most part I agree. And I certainly am not saying that someone who gets divorced did not try to fix their marriage.

 

It is also possible and has been done to have on person committed to fixing the marriage. This can lead to the other person realizing what he or she has, and "they live happily ever after."

 

But if only one person tries to save the marriage and the other simply refuses to commit, then their future won't be good.

[donnamaybe]

But if only one person tries to save the marriage and the other simply refuses to commit, then their future won't be good.

 

We even went to MC, and when the therapist began to key on his behaviors, he got PO'd and refused to go again.

[eleanorrigby]

I'm considering divorce and studies like this just upset me, because for the life of me i can't figure out how I'll be happier in this marriage with a serial cheater rather then divorced. I don't really want a divorce, but I don't see any other option anymore. But I hate it.. I feel like I'm going to let everyone down.

[donnamaybe]

I'm considering divorce and studies like this just upset me, because for the life of me i can't figure out how I'll be happier in this marriage with a serial cheater rather then divorced. I don't really want a divorce, but I don't see any other option anymore. But I hate it.. I feel like I'm going to let everyone down.

 

You get only ONE life. ONE! Take charge!!!