"Broke up" but still...

[wickedsorry]

This seems like a good place to throw it all out there and see what you all say. I'm 26 and was dating the same girl for 5.5 years (living together for the last 2.5). On 9/5/09 **** came undone.

 

At the end of July she found a bag of lingerie and sex toys. She was confused about it and tried to confront me. I was embarrassed and felt like I was in a corner so I kinda freaked out. She seemed upset, so I assumed it was bad. (I would later find out recently that she looked them up and was a little turned on. She was actually wearing a thong when she was asking me about them.) The lingerie was for her, as were the toys... but I was too shy to share them with her mostly due to her having no interest in looking at or shopping for said items in the past (we have a store nearby). So, in the bag they sat.

 

At the end of August she found out that I had been on some adult networking sites. I had filled out pretty realistic profiles (one one I had pretty much filled it out 100% honestly). One was a transsexual dating site, one was me just playing a woman, I don't recall the others. For me, it was all fantasy... a chance to be someone/something else. It was also an extension to porn. Most of what I did on those sites was just browse the pictures. One of the sites I kept a "blog" which was just me writing down various fantasies. I was doing that for about a year. I did pay for access to the sites off and on. For a while it was bad to the point where I'd be up till 2AM doing this. She knew I was doing something, but never this... I never met up with anyone in real life, nor had the intention on it. I felt I had an addiction to it.

 

Well, when she found all that out, she first wanted me to move out immediately. I convinced her to take the first weekend apart and cool down. The past three weeks have been between o.k. and bad for me. The first few days back I was very emotional and on edge. I could barely function. I actually had to call in sick to work one day.

 

She doesn't know what she wants now. She says she doesn't know who I am. She is definitely moving out, and she says she wants some space to do some things for herself and figure out what she wants. She said she's not looking for anyone - but cannot control what happens. She said she wants me to be a better person for myself.

 

As for me, I am in therapy for my porn addiction (actually, the therapist concluded it was abuse... not addiction!). I closed all my accounts and have had no urges at all to go back. I'm taking this hard since I thought she was "the one". Looking back, I realize there was stuff I should have done better and different that would have made this easier for us to get through. I forgave her and moved on from when she cheated years ago and in my mind this is similar and I'd like a second chance too. I am in no way blaming what I did on what she did. I know I was lousy at times of showering how much she meant to me. After graduation I got a job in another state and moved there to be with her. I 100% intended on marrying her. I just never made all that clear.

 

I just don't know how to handle her request for space. I don't know what I should do or expect. I've been truthful in this post and I think I got all the details. She is the one I love, she means everything to me.

 

Lately, it's just been confusing. It seems like she says one thing to me, but says another to her friends. It almost seems like she WANTS to believe me. I mentioned I may move back to my parents' for a little while and she told me how she was disappointed a little bit because she wanted me to go out on my own. I guess this is because she believes that I want to SHOW her I've changed.

 

Recently we emailed back and forth a few times during work. Nothing serious. We had sex last week (which was good) and sex this week (which was awesome) and even fooled around this morning. We hug and cuddle and have been able to talk lately too. I've been on my best behavior, and truly want to earn a second chance.

 

I know I'm not supposed to push and I know I'm supposed to go no contact. But it's hard to walk away from this... In my mind I feel like there's already a line of guys who knew she was "single" the moment this happened, and I don't want to wait at the back.

 

Thanks for reading...

[wickedsorry]

Just as note... She is definitely moving out. She has found a place she really likes. It would be closer to work (we work in opposite direction from where we live now).

 

I told her she was more than welcome to come to a therapy session with me. We both understood it's not going to solve anything, but I feel it may be beneficial for us to just open up with a mediator. I know we've had communication issues. I also know that it's tough for the therapist to discuss some things with me without hearing her side...