"Friendzone" - question for guys

[bubumon]

I suppose this question is mainly directed towards guys, but girls please feel free to answer if you have any insight on this.

 

This guy and I have become pretty close friends in the past few months - he talks with me online me every day, sends me text messages when I'm not online sometimes or emails me to tell me about his day, etc, and we've gone on a few unofficial "dates".

 

I sent him an email to tell him I liked him, but he pretended nothing happened. That was a while ago, and I sort of accepted that he just likes me as a friend. But he still talks to me online/texts me every day to talk even tho we never bring up that email anymore.

 

I've tried to cut off all contact with him, but I can't bring myself to do it, because he really hasn't done anything wrong, and he really is a good friend (but I still like him).

 

Sort of the same thing happened with my ex boyfriend a few years back, we broke up and stayed good friends and would hang out every so often and talk online all the time. One day I told my ex that I wasn't over him and he said he didn't know I still liked him and suggested that we not talk to each other anymore.

 

So my question is...what do girls usually do that makes guys put them in the "friendzone"? I seem to have a knack for putting myself in that position with guys, especially with guys I like!

 

Also, I was reading a book by Steve Harvey recently called "Think like a man, act like a woman" and he said that because guys have sex on their minds 24/7, they always try to figure out a way to get a girl in bed, even tho the girl may be classified as a "sport fish" or a "keeper". But the guys I like don't seem to be interested in me that way and instead just want to stay platonic friends. I'd like to think that I'm quite attractive, though I may dress sort of like a tomboy at times. I don't act like "one of the guys", so can anyone tell me what I'm doing wrong here?

[ebab83]

I think you aren't the only one. This has happened to me twice before. IMO, I think I'm letting on just enough that I may like them, but not being too pushy. Maybe that's the problem, maybe if we made it clearer from the start, or weren't 'too friendly' to begin with we'd be OK. I mean your ex didn't realize that you still liked them, maybe this guy didn't realize to what degree. I also find if he is awkward and shy he wouldn't know what to write back, or how to bring it up again. Maybe start touching him more, you know putting your arm on his arm etc and gauging a reaction?

 

Then again if i knew the answers I wouldn't be in dilemmas myself. LOL.

[WTRanger]

It's the same reason girls put guys into the friendzone. You've got to show mad interest. How often to you reply to his messages? Have you asked him out on REAL dates? How can you expect someone to know you are interested if you are only interesting in going out on non-dates? As a guy, from now on I am going to be up front with new girls. I am going to go on real dates, if she's not down with that then I'm on to the next one. I've already got plenty of female friends to go on non-dates with, I don't need a new one.

 

You put yourself in the friendzone. Don't ever forget that. The other people don't do it, you do. If you do everything you can do, and are upfront about your intentions and the other person doesn't come around then never ever settle for "just friends." It doesn't work that way. You can't make everyone you meet fall for you either. You'll snag some, you'll lose some. It's all part of the game.

 

I'm not saying that you should go down on the guy after the first date, but you've got to show interest. How's the flirting between you two? Does it even exist?

 

Believe me, I feel for you. I've been put there too many times and I'm done with it. This last time drained me and I'm done. I've got a nice group of female friends and I'm not looking to add to it anytime soon.

[bubumon]

I thought I showed interest all along. I replied his messages 100% of the time actually, until recently I'm trying to reply less because I don't want to appear desperate anymore.

 

My friend recently recommended me a book called "The Rules", where you're essentially supposed to play hard to get to get a guy's attention. I asked a few of my guy friends about this, and they all agree that they'd much rather "fish" for a girl than have a girl come up to them because in that case they'd lose interest if "the chase was too easy".

 

Flirting did exist between the two of us before I told him I liked him, then I tried to talk to him less after that because at first I didn't want to settle to be just friends. (Although I kind of caved in and missed him so I'm sort of settling to be just friends - but of course I want more than that!)

 

And he's not a shy or awkward guy, so I'm guessing his ignoring my email was just to let me down lightly.

 

I'm very confused right now tho, from all the conflicting advice I've been getting. Should I play hard to get? Or should I ask him out? We barely see each other anymore, since I haven't been asking him out. He has suggested a few things for us to do, but has never made the move to ask me out (i.e. set a place and time).

[Thaddeus]

My friend recently recommended me a book called "The Rules", where you're essentially supposed to play hard to get to get a guy's attention.

This will work to attract the attention of specific types of guys.

 

The guys you will attract using that process are chasers.

 

Chasers aren't interested in relationships. They're interested in the chase and conquest, then they'll move on to the next chase.

 

But if you're interested in something more meaningful - that is, an actual relationship - then The Rules aren't going to do you much good.

[ebab83]

If he has suggested a few things to do, why don't you just casually drop into conversation 'so when do you want to......'?

 

You shouldn't feel like you are pressuring him if he made the suggestion first.

 

WTRanger had a good point. I do think we put ourselves there. I am just still figuring out when the right time to say i want more is supposed to come. Maybe if nothing else you can take the fact that in future we could do with being a little more clear on what we would like.

 

Scary though huh?!

[WTRanger]

I am just still figuring out when the right time to say i want more is supposed to come.

 

I hate to tell you, there's no such thing as the "right" time. Sometimes you've just got to fix bayonets and charge up that hill. If the moment feels right, listen to your instincts, and not your brain. Just go in for the kiss. If you get turned down, it sucks, but over time you'll not feel it so badly. At least you tried right? There are no what-if's anymore. There is no confusion. And most importantly, there is no "zone" when it's all or nothing. Sometimes you may keep the other person around as your best friend, but that's extremely rare.

 

You're right, the best thing you can do is learn from this.

[carhill]

OP, have you ever friend-zoned a guy who was interested in you but whom you didn't feel 'that way' about? If so, examine that dynamic and it should shed some light on your truth.

 

Have you ever seen a guy as really beautiful but weren't attracted to him? Think about why not.

 

You and this guy haven't been friends long, so opportunity still exists. IMO, you need to bridge the gap. Put on a short skirt and show off your legs. Put on some make-up. Invite him to pick you up for a nice dinner. Structure things. If he doesn't move out of the realm of friend to dating partner at that point, move on. Tell him you can't be friends because you find him attractive so you'll have to say goodbye for now.

 

I own real estate in the friendzone so I have some experience there

[Odyssey]

I thought I showed interest all along. I replied his messages 100% of the time actually... Flirting did exist between the two of us before I told him I liked him...Or should I ask him out?

 

Don't despair just yet. Maybe this call for less talk/words and more action. Don't tell him your feelings. Show him.

 

Have you tried firing up your sex appeal and be more flirtatious and sexual with him - without making a first move. You can do this, first of all, with your appearance. It's easy for you two to be comfortable with each other, but what I'm thinking you do, is make him uncomfortable (in the hot & bothered way). What's your best assets? Play them up. When you're out with the guy, dress with sex in mind. You don't have to say it. Show it. Give yourself a lingerie makeover. Go buy yourself some very sexy lingerie, so that even if he doesn't see it. You'll feel sexier so you'll act sexier. Maybe even go to places that encourage intimacy

 

If you gone through both words AND action thing, then you've done your best (so ignore my post). He's not interested in you. Or you could blame it on bad timing. Whatever make you feel less hurt... and let him go.

[carhill]

OP, this might sound crude, but it's effective. If you are hot for this guy, masturbate before 'hanging out' with him and don't freshen up. Seriously. Get your pheromones out there. Celebrate the funk. If there's anything there, he'll be on you like stink on poop.

[Nightsky]

The friendzone is a place you get to by treating some one you like romantically as if they were a friend only. From a guys point of view it happens when a boy just acts friendly to a girl and she acts friendly back. Then he complains about how she only sees him as a friend.

 

If you stop being friendly with him and just treat him as a potential lover he’ll either have to respond that way or stop communication and thus one way or another you will be out of the friendzone. You have to risk losing him completely in order to gain him completely.

 

If you want to keep flirting with him fine, but unless he shows interest don’t torture yourself.

[boogieboy]

There isnt much you can do to get this guy attracted to you. If he wasnt physically attracted to you when he first saw you, then he isnt into you at all. He doesnt like the way you look. If you dress like a tomboy, then that could be the reason. Guys like to see a nice body. They want to picture how you would look in bed sometimes. They like feminine women. The most masculine guys like the most feminine women usually, and vice versa. The in-between people pair off as well. Guys like the look first, the personality second, especially when they are young. So until you start looking desirable, meaning sexy, and he sees guys all over you, he wont want you. (jealousy works with both sexes)

If you keep getting friendzoned with guys, theyres something about your look that they universally dont like. So flaunt your stuff. If dressing sexy isnt your way, then you will have to look for guys that are on your visual level.

[bubumon]

OP, this might sound crude, but it's effective. If you are hot for this guy, masturbate before 'hanging out' with him and don't freshen up. Seriously. Get your pheromones out there. Celebrate the funk. If there's anything there, he'll be on you like stink on poop.

 

This is the first time I've ever heard anything like this, but it totally makes sense to me! I will definitely give this a go the next time I hang out with him

 

OP, have you ever friend-zoned a guy who was interested in you but whom you didn't feel 'that way' about? If so, examine that dynamic and it should shed some light on your truth.

 

Have you ever seen a guy as really beautiful but weren't attracted to him? Think about why not.

 

I have friend-zoned guys who were interested in me but didn't feel the same way...mainly because they were the "nice" guys, you know the kind that (and I really don't want to sound mean but that's the way it's going to come out) are geeks but have a nice heart. I would hope that I'm not passing myself off as a geek...

 

And yes, I have seen really beautiful guys but it's really unlikely that I'm not attracted to them - unless they end up being an ass.

 

Have you tried firing up your sex appeal and be more flirtatious and sexual with him - without making a first move. You can do this, first of all, with your appearance. It's easy for you two to be comfortable with each other, but what I'm thinking you do, is make him uncomfortable (in the hot & bothered way). What's your best assets? Play them up. When you're out with the guy, dress with sex in mind. You don't have to say it. Show it. Give yourself a lingerie makeover. Go buy yourself some very sexy lingerie, so that even if he doesn't see it. You'll feel sexier so you'll act sexier. Maybe even go to places that encourage intimacy

 

I have worn a shirt that had a very low neckline once and he was speechless for the first couple of seconds that he saw me, but then appeared to get over it and didn't seem to be bothered by it after that.

 

I like the "making him uncomfortable" idea though! Do you have more suggestions? Would touching him (in appropriate places) help, or do guys not really notice that?

 

 

 

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I finally asked him out after reading these posts and we're "hanging out" soon. (Although I am a little worried -- according to "He's just not that into you", if he doesn't ask you out, he's not interested right??) But anyways I hope I can put these into to good use

[boogieboy]

(Although I am a little worried -- according to "He's just not that into you", if he doesn't ask you out, he's not interested right??) But anyways I hope I can put these into to good use

 

Oh you'll find that out soon enough. I'd say its generally true. Mind you, if you like him alot more than he likes you, youre setting yourself up to get taken advantage of down the line. You ready for that possibility?

[carhill]

Sometimes, if you start off as friends, like when one or both of you has been in a relationship, it takes a 'jump start' to transition from platonic to romantic, even with mutual attraction being there. Given what you've shared about your intrinsic style, it would be easy for a guy to fall into the 'friend' habit, since your appearance and demeanor isn't titillating him regularly. Your part is putting your femininity and sexuality out there. His part is to sense that and act on it. He still needs to take the lead but you can help him by ratcheting up the tension.

 

I've found that women respond to me completely differently when I merely have romantic or sexual thoughts on my mind, even if not directed at them. They pick up on it.

 

Worth an experiment, yes?

[Cowboy2theCore]

Ok... Well either two things could happen. You could stay friends or not. Don't go through life wondering. You need to straight up and ask him. Some guys don't ask girl.

 

Either he will say "no" and you can just be friends. Or maybe that will scare him and you too stop talking.

 

Or

 

He could say "yes" and you and him could give it a shot. Why make yourself worry about it.

 

I am going through a situation now that I just learned to say F**K it and i'm going to let her go completly but she keeps on talking to me. I am not going to be rude and not talk to her, but I will let her make the communication. Sooner or later we will stop talking. I really really like this girl but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Right now it is long distance but I can move by her in 8 months. If she is not pregnant then I will stop talking to her because all of the stress is to much. She has my heart but I am going to take it back and protect it.

 

The main thing is: Dont worry about what will happen. There are plently of people out there. If they don't work out then move on. I know it is easier said then done but you have to train yourself to do it. Good luck with everything.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

It's up to you (as a female) to apply to his instincts. If you want something, take it- theres nothing wrong with beinga huntress. Next time you have him alone for a substantial amount of time, become sexual with him. It's very simple, the barrier between you two having a romantic relationship is that lack of sexual stimulation. If he reacts awkwardly or doesn't know what to do with you, then he is a pussy, or an idiot, or both. The BEST relationships spawn from friendships. If he doesn't have it in him to cross that thresh-hold, you may have to do it for him.

 

If deep down inside him he really just wants to be friends with you, and is not able to look at you in a romantic light, or be attracted to you in that way, then that is his issue. But you won't know until you try. The only thing standing in the way of you two would be either his immaturity (not realising what is in front of him) or his lack of manliness (not taking what is in front of him).

 

Again, the situation you're describing is IDEAL for a solid relationship. Life is short, throw some romance in there!

 

If he rejects it flat out, then you should be prepared to give him a smaller role in your life.

[boogieboy]

Ok... Well either two things could happen. You could stay friends or not. Don't go through life wondering. You need to straight up and ask him. Some guys don't ask girl.

 

Either he will say "no" and you can just be friends. Or maybe that will scare him and you too stop talking.

 

Or

 

He could say "yes" and you and him could give it a shot. Why make yourself worry about it.

 

I am going through a situation now that I just learned to say F**K it and i'm going to let her go completly but she keeps on talking to me. I am not going to be rude and not talk to her, but I will let her make the communication. Sooner or later we will stop talking. I really really like this girl but she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Right now it is long distance but I can move by her in 8 months. If she is not pregnant then I will stop talking to her because all of the stress is to much. She has my heart but I am going to take it back and protect it.

 

The main thing is: Dont worry about what will happen. There are plently of people out there. If they don't work out then move on. I know it is easier said then done but you have to train yourself to do it. Good luck with everything.

 

Dude you have to let her go, otherwise you will let her have a grasp on your heart forever. She will never be with you, otherwise she would have made an effort. Her saying "i dont want to be in a relationship right now " is a bullshyt excuse. You have to cut her off for your own sake, it doenst matter if its rude or not.

[ebab83]

Hmmm.....After reading the guys posting, I have come to the conclusion that yes, I am confident about myself and openly flirty, this does work as the guys said. I am not as such what you would call a 'girly girl', you know not butterflies and bows etc. I am however still aware that i can be sexy. I know i have a reasonable figure, and in certain clothes that i know accentuate my better assets I feel much sexier.

 

I would say trying this is worth a go. Even seeing a small reaction that you spoke about should help encourage you.

 

What I don't know about though is that he wouldn't take advantage of this and you may end up having sex with someone who doesn't want it to go any further. This is where i usually stumble. Make sure you are ready to not be taken advantage of if it works out.

 

Get sexy. It's easy!!

[Pedigree]

So my question is...what do girls usually do that makes guys put them in the "friendzone"? I seem to have a knack for putting myself in that position with guys, especially with guys I like!

 

1. No physical attraction

2. Not enough signals.

[Rhythmic]

OP, have you ever friend-zoned a guy who was interested in you but whom you didn't feel 'that way' about? If so, examine that dynamic and it should shed some light on your truth.

 

Have you ever seen a guy as really beautiful but weren't attracted to him? Think about why not.

 

You and this guy haven't been friends long, so opportunity still exists. IMO, you need to bridge the gap. Put on a short skirt and show off your legs. Put on some make-up. Invite him to pick you up for a nice dinner. Structure things. If he doesn't move out of the realm of friend to dating partner at that point, move on. Tell him you can't be friends because you find him attractive so you'll have to say goodbye for now.

 

I own real estate in the friendzone so I have some experience there

 

Sometimes, if you start off as friends, like when one or both of you has been in a relationship, it takes a 'jump start' to transition from platonic to romantic, even with mutual attraction being there. Given what you've shared about your intrinsic style, it would be easy for a guy to fall into the 'friend' habit, since your appearance and demeanor isn't titillating him regularly. Your part is putting your femininity and sexuality out there. His part is to sense that and act on it. He still needs to take the lead but you can help him by ratcheting up the tension.

 

I've found that women respond to me completely differently when I merely have romantic or sexual thoughts on my mind, even if not directed at them. They pick up on it.

 

Worth an experiment, yes?

 

 

 

 

OP these post detail your best shot.

[oysterman]

I can relate to Cowboy (keeping the heart protected when she tries to stomp it, which hurts double when you really love and care for her) and Carhill (he may own real estate in the friendzone but I'm the governor of THAT state). Give the guys some real solid signs and see where it goes...some guys are really just so nice they need a cattle prod to get up off the mark. He may surprise you and be keeping feelings hidden.

[bubumon]

Thanks for everyone's advice...I tried to follow most of them while hanging out with him recently, but while they're all good advice that I thought made sense, I got the feeling from him that he's no longer interested in me (if he ever was before). Guess he really does only view me as a friend....or even less, since I got that feeling from him too.

 

Anyone have any advice on how to mend a broken heart?

[Logic]

^ awww well theres plenty more fish in the sea, i'm sure you'll find someone that's right for you.

 

As for the original question, I'd say it's good that you can be such good friends with guys because it gives you a solid base. From there flirting is definately the way to go. It should be subtle flirting not too heavy. Sometimes just the flirting stage can go on for months while each person figures out if they really like the other person. As for the more intimate stuff i'd say hold off on that until your sure he wants you. Otherwise you might get hurt. Hope it works out for u

[Peaceful Guy]

those books you mentioned are giving just plain bad advice.. and they really dont speak for me or the guys i hang out with. guys arent all *******s.. for real. just like you have cool girlfriends, there are groups are guys that are cool and treat people with respect.. so don't play games. don't be manipulative, and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. you're trying to keep yourself from being hurt by not being more direct with this guy, you're afraid of how it will look.. **** it! if you make a serious move on this guy who you know you like and want to spend time with it could go a few different ways. he likes you, he wants you, now your together romantically. he's a real friend, he's not sexually attracted to you, he takes it as a huge compliment and feels for you. im assuming that he is a good guy based on the vibe i get from you and your description of the relationship. it doesnt sound like he's just in it for the sex, and it sounds like you really enjoy his company.. basically, it sounds like a healthy relationship regardless.. two pieces of advice.. 1. try to get more face time and less phone time 2. be understanding of him if he's not interested in you romantically.. the hurt of rejection (or whatever) does not give you a pass to act like a **** to your friend.. you have to be an adult about this!