I feel like I've done too much damage already

[davo1224]

Since becoming single at the very end of last year, I'm realizing a lot of stuff about myself that I don't like. In becoming more assertive and outspoken instead of a doormat, I've alienated A LOT of people. I have three main local friends and one LD one. I generally consider them good friends. Now I know I can't change them and how they act so I don't really think I'm that out of line in how I do things. Still I feel like it's taken me so long to get to the friends that I do have.

 

I feel like a lot of the time my friends are there to support me and just to hear me bitch and complain. I really wish I wouldn't treat them like that. I sometimes feel like the stick in the mud. I'm not or atleast wish I wasn't. I have had a very overprotective and nosey mother so I pretty much didn't start going out until a year ago (I'm 25). She tries to control everything I do. I don't even want to think about dating when I'm still in this situation but friendships are something I should be able to control or maybe that's my problem?

 

A lot of people have talked about how cool I am, funny I am, what a great person, etc. but why is it that none of these people want to talk to me? Everyone just seems so flaky. I'll try and talk to people via text or invite them out and they're not interested to the point of not even declining. People have theorized it's because I'm too "pushy" and "contained" but those are just my impulses. Who really can act normal when the closest connection they've had is with someone who has given them no privacy ever? I just want to go out and do stuff like everyone else but it seems like I missed the "life long friends" train. Now I'm trying to play catch up but everyone already has established friends.

 

I have a best friend who is also a male so there's never really an emotional component. It's fine because I still like hanging out with him a lot but sometimes I feel like I act ****ty. Like he's good for recreation and dependability but the friendship is never "real".

 

My female best friend is cool and the only one who I feel like I can indulge in guilty pleasures with (terrible movies, dramatics, etc.). She doesn't really get my life though. Her life is way more privileged than mine.

 

My other friend is cool but he largely treats me like a stick in the mud. The dependable, good friend but who judges him. I really don't and like hanging out with him but I can see how compared to him, I'm a drag.

 

Part of me just feels like there's some huge lonely component of my life and I'm to blame. I almost feel narcisstic at times for blaming my mom but it's true? I used to get yelled at every night when I was like 18 if I came home past 9 PM. I know it must suck being a single parent but why take it out on your kid? After a while I just stopped getting invited out by people because they thought it was stupid. I just gave up because you can't win fighting with someone you have to live with. Thankfully, I've gotten a really good job after many poor choices in life so I can finally move out but what if it's not her fault? What if I just suck?

[swedishfish]

Hi

 

I can relate to your post . My story is eerily similiar. I am a female and older than you, but some of the things you said like ; you missed the lifelong friend train...i have been thinking about that a lot lately in my own life, mothers sound the same.

For me i think its a few things:

1. I think that i keep sub-par friends around , just to have friends...but in actuality some are not friends at all. And i dont want to be rejected so i bend over backwards for *********s who dont deserve my friendship.

2. I am very very loyal to the best friends i have had in the past...maybe it freaks them out OR i get disappointed because they are not loyal.

3. I am also pretty introverted..i can be in a social setting ( for a few hours) but afterwardds i need to be alone to re-energize.

4. Because of rejections and feel like i'm not being heard by anyone...my self-esteem has suffered a lot.

5. I feel like i dont fit in anywhere...not even with my family.

 

I long to have a best friend and to fit into something...a group....a club...something.

 

i hope you get this message...let me know if you can relate to anything i said.

[Odyssey]

Well at least you have both come to the same point in life, where you want something to change.

 

Truth be told i don't have many friends either (those that i can truly depend on) and i can easily count them on one hand. Looking back, i was also in a bad crowd of sub-par friends back then. They were the worst influence on my life. I got involved with drugs, petty crimes, and arson. Like you, one day i'd realised i couldn't keep going through the rest of my life like that! The only way to change was to cut them out of my life. I got out of that area and started meeting new people. Even changed the way i behaved. I think that's what you have to do. I don't mean going to extremes of cutting out your current friends. But go find new ones.

 

All the other 'friends' are really just people i share the same hobby, activities, or are just guys from work/school. But it's from these group activities etc. that a few of those true friends were developed from. So you just have to get out there and look for things you're interested in. Meet people. Every opportunity you get for a social event. Go. As an introverted person, i know that can be hard, but sometimes you have to force yourself and be pro-active.

 

Davo: Holding a grudge and blaming your mum, isn't going to help. Some parents can be controlling and over-protective because they care too much about their kids. Every time i get angry with my mum, i think "...get a grip, she carried me for 9 months and went through a lot of crap to raise me", and then whatever reason it was, just turn into petty nothing. Forget about the past. Be glad that you can move out. It's time to show her you can take control of your own life now.

 

You haven't done too much damage. It's never too late to change your situation or be a better person.