Kinda enjoy being the 'other woman'...is this wrong?

[katy_katt]

I'm trying to decide if there is something wrong with me.

 

Some background: About four years ago I began working in the same department with this guy whom I found extremely attractive, and he found me attractive as well. Unfortunately, he and I were both in long-term relationships...neither of which were working out very good. Most of our conversations at work consisted of talking about our relationships and finding out that both of our s.o.'s seemed to be treating us the same way. But the more we talked, we began finding out we had a lot of similarities -- our background growing up, our outlook on life and relationships, etc. I remember at the Xmas party his gf was being really bitchy and didn't want him around, and my bf didn't even want to come, so we ended up sitting in the lobby for a good while just talking about this and that, getting close to flirting until his gf came and told him she wanted to go home. Since we shared those bonds, our relationship started getting more involved, but never went much further than a lot of flirting and suggestive convos, which were getting more and more suggestive as time passed by. His whole outlook on the situation was 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her.' (btw, his s.o. worked in the same place, just a different department and we were quite good friends.)

 

Evenutually, something happened. We were both coming back from a work-related party, I was extremely drunk and well...something just happened in his car that really shouldn't have. He dropped me off at my house where my bf was waiting, and went back to his gf's. I never did tell my bf about it...but about a week later his gf came up to me and wanted to have 'a talk'...of course I knew what it was about right away. Turns out that when the guy came home he felt so guilty about it he broke down and told her everything. We had a good talk about it, but there was a lot of tension and awkwardness at work between the 3 of us until I finally quit (for various reasons, but that was a big one). About a month later my bf and I broke up...kind of (we were still talking and hanging out so it didn't really feel like we had 'broken up')...I had found out he had cheated on me several times during our whole relationship but I kept my mouth shut about my one 'indiscretion', just relieved that I didn't have to feel so guilty about it. I didn't really talk to the guy much after that, except to nod hello once in a while.

 

I ended up going back to work there for a little while, after hearing that his gf had quit (there were other reasons besides that too). I was in a different department now and he and I didn't say too much at first, but in a few months we were back to the same old games, and being single, I was beginning to feel a whole new attraction to him. You know, fantasizing about him and stuff. I knew he was still dating this girl though, so it didn't get to the point it was at before. I stayed there for about six months before finding another job. Since I was good friends with a lot of the ppl there, I came to visit a couple months later, and he came over to ask how things were with me. By then I had finally broken all ties with my ex and I told him so. He said that he and his gf had broken up too, but didn't really explain why (I had a sneaking suspicion it had to do with what happened). I was really happy until the next sentence was 'I'm dating someone else now.' I tried to be flirty and said something like, 'oh that's too bad...well next time you're single make sure to give me a call.' and left the place red-faced (I had wanted to date him but in retrospect I'm glad now that nothing had come of that...you'll see why soon).

 

Nothing much happened for a long time, and I eventually moved back to my hometown which was close by. One day I got an email from him just asking how things were, what I was doing now, etc. I emailed him back and we kinda started flirting that way. I had no idea if he was still with his new gf until I went a little far in one email and he wrote back telling me that he was still dating her, so I stopped writing. Nothing from him for a long time, and then I moved far far away in Sept. I wrote just letting him know that I wasn't going to be around anymore, and never really heard anything from him. Just the quick usual email: hey how's it going?...what's new with you? I wrote back and just answered his questions, not really caring much about him anymore. Emails back and forth along those lines every once in a while, and I visited him once while I was visiting other friends in his town. But he eventually wrote asking if he could add me to his MSN and I said sure, naively thinking that it would just be to chat.

 

Fast-forward to now: Well, he has a webcam and so do I. Need I say more? We've only had two convos, but things got a little 'steamy' during them both. We also managed to talk about what had happened so long ago between us and get things straightened out there which was kind of a relief for me, since we never really could before. He lives with his gf and she was at work those times. I'm not sure if he told her what had happened between us before, or if she even knows about or remembers me. From what he has to say, she doesn't even touch his computer and he makes sure that the messages aren't recorded in any way. Other than that, he doesn't say much except the occasional 'she'd kill me if she ever found out', but I don't know what their relationship is like or anything. I was telling this to a friend of mine and she said that I should feel guilty about being 'the other woman'. But what I think my problem is, is that even with knowing he has a gf (whom I've met once at a party over a year ago and kinda liked), I still don't feel guilty about it! I know that if I were in a relationship right now it would not be happening at all...I already made one mistake and learned from it that way. I guess being in a completely different city makes it a lot easier too, b/c if she did find out I would never know the repercussions of it. From my p.o.v., it's his own grave he's digging since he's also the one initiating everything...almost having to coax me into doing it. Trouble is, I also kinda like it and enjoy pretending I don't want to at first. I don't know...is it wrong for me to feel this way?

[sexy]

Originally posted by katy_katt

I'm trying to decide if there is something wrong with me.

 

Some background: About four years ago I began working in the same department with this guy whom I found extremely attractive, and he found me attractive as well. Unfortunately, he and I were both in long-term relationships...neither of which were working out very good. Most of our conversations at work consisted of talking about our relationships and finding out that both of our s.o.'s seemed to be treating us the same way. But the more we talked, we began finding out we had a lot of similarities -- our background growing up, our outlook on life and relationships, etc. I remember at the Xmas party his gf was being really bitchy and didn't want him around, and my bf didn't even want to come, so we ended up sitting in the lobby for a good while just talking about this and that, getting close to flirting until his gf came and told him she wanted to go home. Since we shared those bonds, our relationship started getting more involved, but never went much further than a lot of flirting and suggestive convos, which were getting more and more

suggestive as time passed by. His whole outlook on the situation was 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her.' (btw, his s.o. worked in the same place, just a different department and we were quite good friends.)

 

Evenutually, something happened. We were both coming back from a work-related party, I was extremely drunk and well...something just happened in his car that really shouldn't have. He dropped me off at my house where my bf was waiting, and went back to his gf's. I never did tell my bf about it...but about a week later his gf came up to me and wanted to have 'a talk'...of course I knew what it was about right away. Turns out that when the guy came home he felt so guilty about it he broke down and told her everything. We had a good talk about it, but there was a lot of tension and awkwardness at work between the 3 of us until I finally quit (for various reasons, but that was a big one). About a month later my bf and I broke up...kind of (we were still talking and hanging out so it didn't really feel like we had 'broken up')...I had found out he had cheated on me several times during our whole relationship but I kept my mouth shut about my one 'indiscretion', just relieved that I didn't have to feel so guilty about it. I didn't really talk to the guy much after that, except to nod hello once in a while.

 

I ended up going back to work there for a little while, after hearing that his gf had quit (there were other reasons besides that too). I was in a different department now and he and I didn't say too much at first, but in a few months we were back to the same old games, and being single, I was beginning to feel a whole new attraction to him. You know, fantasizing about him and stuff. I knew he was still dating this girl though, so it didn't get to the point it was at before. I stayed there for about six months before finding another job. Since I was good friends with a lot of the ppl there, I came to visit a couple months later, and he came over to ask how things were with me. By then I had finally broken all ties with my ex and I told him so. He said that he and his gf had broken up too, but didn't really explain why (I had a sneaking suspicion it had to do with what happened). I was really happy until the next sentence was 'I'm dating someone else now.' I tried to be flirty and said something like, 'oh that's too bad...well next time you're single make sure to give me a call.' and left the place red-faced (I had wanted to date him but in retrospect I'm glad now that nothing had come of that...you'll see why soon).

 

Nothing much happened for a long time, and I eventually moved back to my hometown which was close by. One day I got an email from him just asking how things were, what I was doing now, etc. I emailed him back and we kinda started flirting that way. I had no idea if he was still with his new gf until I went a little far in one email and he wrote back telling me that he was still dating her, so I stopped writing. Nothing from him for a long time, and then I moved far far away in Sept. I wrote just letting him know that I wasn't going to be around anymore, and never really heard anything from him. Just the quick usual email: hey how's it going?...what's new with you? I wrote back and just answered his questions, not really caring much about him anymore. Emails back and forth along those lines every once in a while, and I visited him once while I was visiting other friends in his town. But he eventually wrote asking if he could add me to his MSN and I said sure, naively thinking that it would just be to chat.

 

Fast-forward to now: Well, he has a webcam and so do I. Need I say more? We've only had two convos, but things got a little 'steamy' during them both. We also managed to talk about what had happened so long ago between us and get things straightened out there which was kind of a relief for me, since we never really could before. He lives with his gf and she was at work those times. I'm not sure if he told her what had happened between us before, or if she even knows about or remembers me. From what he has to say, she doesn't even touch his computer and he makes sure that the messages aren't recorded in any way. Other than that, he doesn't say much except the occasional 'she'd kill me if she ever found out', but I don't know what their relationship is like or anything. I was telling this to a friend of mine and she said that I should feel guilty about being 'the other woman'. But what I think my problem is, is that even with knowing he has a gf (whom I've met once at a party over a year ago and kinda liked), I still don't feel guilty about it! I know that if I were in a relationship right now it would not be happening at all...I already made one mistake and learned from it that way. I guess being in a completely different city makes it a lot easier too, b/c if she did find out I would never know the repercussions of it. From my p.o.v., it's his own grave he's digging since he's also the one initiating everything...almost having to coax me into doing it. Trouble is, I also kinda like it and enjoy pretending I don't want to at first. I don't know...is it wrong for me to feel this way?

 

 

Hay you sad case of a women!

 

Well I think you should keep it the way it is now between you to and not think about the other person cause it wont help at all.

 

So dont worry this hasnt happened only to you,it happened to a lot of people out there and it aint wrong to feel this way.

So dont go now and punish yourself about it okay in aint worth it okay.

 

So let me know what happened okay .

 

p.s: Tell me more about this guy!

[moimeme]

katt

 

What if you were the gf? How did it feel to know your BF cheated? Do you really want to do the same thing to some other girl?

[katy_katt]

Oh believe me moimeme, I've thought about that many times. When I found out my bf was cheating I wasn't really surprised, since it was part of a lot of problems that we had. Some people would probably feel anger towards the other woman, but I just felt sorry for her and more anger towards him b/c he was the one in a relationship (whether she was or not, I didn't know). And I think that whatever happened between this guy and me in the past, was a direct result of the way both our s.o.'s treated us. and of course I felt really bad for his gf afterwards, regardless of how she treated him, simply because we were somewhat friends...worse for betraying her than for betraying my own bf.

[katy_katt]

Can I get some guys' opinions on this?

 

To sexy...he's HOT, he's sweet in his own way and like I said I've known him for some time. What else can I say? I know he obviously is a dog and would never ever consider dating him.

[meijia]

well, both of you are bored with your own partners. since you wouldnt consider to date him, he probably feel exactly the same way about you.

 

So, a little excitment to spice up the boring life, no string attached, free to flirt, free to leave! and also, you may find the wrongness and danger of it (being caught or found by your partners) fun and exciting.

 

dont worry, you will soon get bored with each other

[ThisGirlNameKD]

I'm a little confused. Is it him that you like, or is it being the other woman that you like? But alarms would go up if I set my sights on someone who was so good at removing traces of "the other woman" from his life by deleting things on his computer, and who feels that what his girlfriend won't know won't hurt her. If he's a dog, and you know he's a dog, it's hard for me to see the attraction. Maybe it's not that you like being the other woman. Maybe you just like the "dog" in him.