Do I deserve forgiveness?

[alegna]

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Please be patient as I am a first time poster. I don't even know if I belong on this board, but here is my story/my questions.

 

I am married, but flirted heavily (meaning, with linked arms -- no kissing, etc.) at a party three years ago. I rarely drink (less than once every two years), but did drink that evening. (I hadn't planned to, but did at the time because it is culturally expected in Finland.) I didn't have the urge to kiss, etc., but I enjoyed the attention and compliments.

 

I am person who does not approve of cheating in the least. At the time this happened, my husband had been struggling to emerge with an almost year-long bout of mild depression (no interest in sex). I felt responsible (no rational reason to, it's just my personality) and neglected and unattractive. The oddest thing is that sober, I am not a flirt. And I love and respect my husband. So how could I do this?

 

One other point to mention, 7 years ago (while we were dating) and he was back in Finland for the summer, and I had an internship in San Francisco, I kissed someone else under similar yet different circumstances. My birthday, he hadn't called; vulnerable time in our relationship as he wouldn't "commit" by making some plan for us to be together after college. I was terrified of how connected I felt to him, of not being in control, and the idea of him disappearing (going back to Finland) after college.

 

That was the "stage". Anyway, someone who I found attractive, but would never have responded to otherwise, kissed me. I kissed back. There was quite a bit of kissing that evening. Meanwhile, the next morning, when the effects of the inummerable shots of tequila wore off, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I was shocked and disgusted that I was capable of cheating. I talked to a girlfriend who told me that if I wanted to keep my boyfriend, then I should keep my mouth shut. During the next couple years, I never told him what happened. We grew closer and married. I buried the kissing incident.

 

Fast forward yet again. I've been married five years, but these two incidents started popping into my head a couple months ago and led to full-blown depression. I feel like a terrible person who doesn't deserve my husband. With the exception of periodic ups and downs that I feel most people face, we have had a wonderful relationship. We support each other. We are best friends.

 

Oh! And I forgot to mention, I confessed everything to my husband last month. He said he forgives me and trusts me completely and just wants to move on. But I can't seem to forgive myself. His kindness adds to my guilt. I am seeing a therapist who tells me I need to forgive myself and move on, otherwise I will cause a problem in my relationship.

 

Has anyone here any insight into this situation? Am I undeserving of my husband who has never cheated? Do I deserve to forgive myself? How, when you love someone so much, can you flirt with someone else? I've always thought of myself as someone with a strong moral character, yet this behavior is not the behavior of someone with strong moral character. I feel sick.

 

Background:

First, I will say that while my 5-year marriage has had it's difficult times (husband struggles with regular bouts of mild to moderate depression), I have loved my husband deeply since the week I met him (12 years ago). We met when he was visiting the US as an exchange student. We started dating, and then because of me, he returned to the US to attend college - the same one I attended. A year after graduating from college, we married and I moved with him back to Europe.

[moimeme]

Alegna -

 

You may be suffering from depression, yourself. I think you are to be commended. Despite your strong attraction to other men and despite your drunkenness, all you did was kiss the men. It isn't a good thing that you did, but that you stopped short of having sex (FAR short), means that you did not cheat. You resisted the urge to do so, even despite being in the circumstances to do so.

 

Something else must be causing these feelings in you. I suggest you see your physician for a diagnosis and possible referral to a counsellor. And congratulations again on NOT cheating.

[alegna]

Thanks for the supportive posting-

 

I do know that I have been depressed, and as mentioned, seeing a therapist. There's a lot more to the situation than I posted, such as, have been in "job limbo" for a year. My husband and I thought we were going to be moving in January, so I quite my job. Then, due to my husband's job situation, the move was postponed. NOW, we're moving in a couple months. But I am very ambitious and have always been an over-achiever. A year working on a free-lance basis has been very difficult.

 

Anyway, even though I do feel depressed, I have still been worried about that until recently unconfessed kissed several years ago (prior to marriage). And as mentioned, the flirting.

 

I just hate that I ever showed anyone other than my husband that kind of attention. And I wonder if it's bothering him even though he's said otherwise.

 

And what's really bizarre is that I didn't know until recently how much he really cares for me. I believe I mentioned, he can be very private about his feelings and comes from an "emotionally constipated" family.

[moimeme]

I'm not saying you shouldn't be ashamed of what you did - but not to the extent you are. It wasn't good to do; it was wrong, and we do need some measure of shame - it prevents us from doing things we ought not. However, to punish yourself to this extent is excessive in proportion to the transgression.

 

You know that depression skews our perception; it makes bad things look disastrous. You may also (but this is only a guess) be feeling a 'failure' because of your job situation and that is translating to feeling like a failure in other areas of your life, including your marriage. Recognize that your shame is disproportionate to the sin and ask your therapist to help you put this back into perspective.

[alegna]

Thanks for the insight. But don't worry. Nothing anyone says could lead me to believe that what I did was NOT wrong.

 

The heart of my problem is this: I've felt so guilty that I suddenly feel "frozen" in my relationship. Guilt can be crippling. He just wants things to be OK-- and I'm the depressed one now. That in itself makes me feel guilty... I keep asking him if he is angry, or wants to ask me anything, etc. But he says that it happened so long ago, and that was a different time, etc. But I still feel terrible.

 

Anyway, I just needed to pour my heart out somewhere. My husband is wondering why I won't let it go.

[steveb]

My wife was doing the same things, except recently.

I am in the middle of the process of forgiving her.

She just had her first appointment today for depression.

According to her, she has now idea what she wants from minute to minute.

I told her she needed to see someone about that, so she could get herself straight again.

 

If he forgave you, you must keep on the straight and narrow to keep it.

Do not let what happened 5 years ago control your thought today, except to serve as a warning if you see it coming back.