6 Months of NC (sorta)- thought I'd check in if anyone cares to compare

[KismetGirl]

Hola everyone

 

Haven't been here in a while, so don't know how many people are still around that were here when I was posting regularly.

 

Anyways, so, I have not physically seen xMM in person since...hmm....nearly 6 months ago now, I think? end of march, beginning of april, something like that. I sent a couple drunken emails, one liners, but he never responded to those, and to be honest I think in one of them I told him just to read it and not respond anyway. Ah, drunken emails, got to love them.

 

Other than that, I've heard his voice on two occasions. The first was when my cousin asked me to get him a job at MM's company, so I asked MM over phone to forward resume, and he was professional and polite on the phone as he always is at work, but visibly surprised to hear my voice, and seemed nervous. Kept babbling as if to keep me on the phone, but not about anything important. Questions about my cousin, but to a degree unecessary for a simple "can you forward this resume for me" call. After that phone call, after not having spoken to him in four months, I got off the phone, started breathing quickly, and then burst into tears.

 

Didnt speak to him again as I hadnt for the four months prior to that. Havent emailed, called, gone by his job, nothing. Think about him near daily. Some days better than others. People told me I seemed happier last month or two, and in fact I've just been keeping dreadfully busy. My patients keep me busy, going out with friends and family, and hell, even been out on a bunch of dates. Alas, never seem to find anyone I like....they are acceptable as friends, as hook-up buddies, but never seem to feel any romantic connection with anyone lately. but Im trying. They generally quite like me, but perhaps I've just felt that I want that spark again and why shoudl I settle for anything less? Sometimes I think Im just comparing everyone to MM too much- let's be honest, he wasnt perfect, because no one is perfect. But physically he drove me utterly insane, I thought he was sexy from the second I laid eyes on him, and he'd felt the same way about me. And it hadn't been just physical, because tht never lasts much on its own, but we'd been able to talk about anything, had gotten along well asl friends, and despite his penchant for being emotionally retarded sometimes....it was effortless to love him or care about him, and I think that's what I want again, but have trouble finding. That sort of "effortless" feeling of liking someone, where you jsut fall into them and could be happy just laying there in bed all morning laughing and talking and touching, or going to a baseball game together, or going to the bar with friends, and occasionally fight and disagree and think they are driving you insane, and yet you don't care because this person just completes you in some way. That's got to be out there again, right? Hell, six months isnt much when youre getting over a 4.5 year affair, I suppose.

 

In either event, I spoke to MM on the phone again today. This would be the second time in six months. I wouldn't have, but my sister has, in this sh*te economy, been desperately seeking work and unable to find something, so as a last resort asked me if I would be able to ask MM to hook her up at my old company where he still works. I knew she wouldnt have asked me unless she was getting desperate. She's asked me to borrow money a couple times for bills, trust me, it sucks. I wanted to help her. So I forced myself to call him today and ask for another favour to forward her resume to appropriate people. He was more friendly on the phone this time, less surprised sounding, but still tense. But he said, of course he would help. And bless him, busy as I know his days get, he got the people in central office to call her within two hours of my emailing him her resume, and within four hours she had her first interview set up for next week. This is for a company that gets hudnreds of applications for every position every week, and he made sure they put hers at the top for me immediately. he didnt have to. He could have told me there was nothing available, that he just didnt feel comfortable with my sister working there, but he didnt.

 

When I got off the phone today, again, after asking him, my hands were visibly shaking and I was damn near hyperventilating. Apparently, my thoughts that I was getting over him were a tad off. *sigh* I continue to try....but sometimes I wonder if I will ever find anyone else the same way I feel about this man, despite everything.

 

I had four dates over the last 8 days. FOUR! All cute guys, all normal, and all asked to see me again. I feel nothing. How effing depressing. And how immensely frustrating that this one man, MM, can have such an effect on my physiological and mental response from one bloody minute of hearing his voice.

 

So, after six months, I still wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. Sometimes I still wish I could see him, hug him. But I don't. I go on with my day, i keep busy, i got promoted at work, I still have to apply to medical school next year, I stil see friends, I still date. And every day I pray that one day I will wake up , and that I won't care anymore whether or not he still thinks about me sometimes. It takes everything in me sometimes to keep driving when i see his car parked a few blocks away from where I live instead of stopping by his job to say hello. It's like, as soon as I forget him for an hour, something reminds me. The universe just keeps bloody well testing me....last saturday on a night out with my friends, at around 3 in the morning we went to a bar, and my god, the bartender could have been MM's twin. I stared at him like I'd seen a ghost. The bartender comes up to me, gets my drink, starts talking to me. Asks me if perhaps we should get a drink sometime in a place where he doesnt have to pour them. I look down and finally notice he's got a ring on. Ask him if he's married, he confesses finally yes. I tell him then we probably shouldnt get a drink and walk away. But my god, he looked so much like him, if I was one to believe in a god definitively, I'd think the guy was completely f**king with me.

 

All sunday I wanted to call MM. And after talking to him today to send him my sister's resume, Im still tempted to go see him in person...but I havent for six months, so Ie come here to ramble instead. Hey, this post may go on forever and no one might read it, but its better than sucumbing. Because while its easier for both of us to resist over the phone....in 5 years of knowing him, our in-person ability to resist was never very good. I tell myself I don't want him to feel guilty anymore, I don't want to break up his family. I sometimes wish I was a vindictive b*tch-- one that would pick up the phone, call his wife, and tell her everything....but I don't, because who will that help? make her miserable, make him hate me. *sigh*

 

So anyway, that's where I am. for anyone that's currently trying NC, good luck. it ain't easy, but it's the only way sometimes I guess. Im not sure I would have been able to do NC earlier in our relationship, and Im still not ready sometimes....but it is what it is. Keep optimistic....right?

[movingforward]

From someone that just started no contact about 3 hours ago, you're my hero!

 

You did the right thing by coming on here and posting instead of reaching out to him. That's exactly what I intend to do as well (you should be seeing a LOT of me over the next week or two). Unfortunately, I don't have much advice when it comes to how to get over your AP... 4 1/2 years is a long time. I read somewhere on this site that it takes something like one week of no contact for every month you were together to fully get over someone. You are nowhere near that right now... six months may seem like a long time, but probably not enough time to fully get over something as emotionally charged as an affair. But it sounds like you are doing all the right things -- staying busy and keeping engaged in life.

 

I would suggest, though, that if you are faced again with needing to contact him (for helping friends find jobs) that you NOT call him and just attach the resume in an email. I couldn't handle hearing my AP's voice on the phone -- it's too personal and too intimate. It's just too hard in the state you're in.

 

Stay strong and keep posting. And good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Hey K! Thanks for the update..Glad to hear you're doing NC and surviving.. Just think in another 6 months, you'll feel alot better and have more confidence. Being busy helps..

 

Oh wanted to ask, how were your final exams? I bet you did really well on them!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

So anyway, that's where I am. for anyone that's currently trying NC, good luck. it ain't easy, but it's the only way sometimes I guess. Im not sure I would have been able to do NC earlier in our relationship, and Im still not ready sometimes....but it is what it is. Keep optimistic....right?

 

Firstly, I did read your entire post. So, thank you for rambling on. I see my (future) self in your e-mail A LOT. And, it scares me. I have only been dating my MM for six months, so I can't imagine what it must have been like to be in a nearly 5-year relationship with him. This is the most emotionally draining (not to mention physically, although that's not necessarily a bad thing...) situation that has ever overtaken my life. I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him yet I hate that he ever came into my life.

 

The part I excerpted above interested me specifically. You said you couldn't have done NC any earlier? May I ask why not? I'm sure you have a long story as to how your affair evolved and I think mine is at a pivotal time. What compelled you to finally go NC? (I am new on here, joined in August, so I don't know your story...)

 

I hope I reach a place where I can end this sooner (now) rather than later (four years). I'm younger (mid-twenties) and he's older (late 30s) with two kids. I don't want to waste my 20s with a man who is not available. No matter how good the conversation, sex, runs, dinners, lunches, glasses of wine, etc., etc., are...

 

Anyways, I am also glad you came on here than doing the alternative. I wish you luck to remain strong. I agree that you should not talk to him again, over the phone or otherwise.

[KismetGirl]

Firstly, I did read your entire post. So, thank you for rambling on. I see my (future) self in your e-mail A LOT. And, it scares me. I have only been dating my MM for six months, so I can't imagine what it must have been like to be in a nearly 5-year relationship with him. This is the most emotionally draining (not to mention physically, although that's not necessarily a bad thing...) situation that has ever overtaken my life. I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to spend time with him yet I hate that he ever came into my life.

 

The part I excerpted above interested me specifically. You said you couldn't have done NC any earlier? May I ask why not? I'm sure you have a long story as to how your affair evolved and I think mine is at a pivotal time. What compelled you to finally go NC? (I am new on here, joined in August, so I don't know your story...)

 

I hope I reach a place where I can end this sooner (now) rather than later (four years). I'm younger (mid-twenties) and he's older (late 30s) with two kids. I don't want to waste my 20s with a man who is not available. No matter how good the conversation, sex, runs, dinners, lunches, glasses of wine, etc., etc., are...

 

Anyways, I am also glad you came on here than doing the alternative. I wish you luck to remain strong. I agree that you should not talk to him again, over the phone or otherwise.

 

 

Yes, be careful, or five years will go by and you'll be shocked. Im only 27, so imagine that. He is in his mid-30's as well. So I met him when I was 22, and he was about 29 turning 30. He has three kids now.

 

Everything about being with him was drug-level intoxicating. It was heroin to my freaking soul. And just like heroin, it gets harder and harder to get off it, more painful to withdraw the longer you do it, and yet somehow you go back and back no matter how often you say "this is such a bad idea and i know it cant go anywhere"

 

if you can get out now...do it. You'll thank me later. If it's meant to be, he'll come of his own, single accord. if not, you'll think about him, maybe forever, but you'll be better in the long run. For the last six months of our affair, people at work would ask me why I looked so miserable all the time, so depressed. After we broke up, I nearly lost it. The last two months, people have remarked how happy and like my old self i look.

 

i still miss him every day...god I want o see him. But for the first time in six months I do start to (slowly) let myself believe that I may like someone else at some point. If you asked me a few months ago, I couldnt even look at another man and feel excited. At the risk of TMI, I am the type of person who wants sex constantly, and I was so depressed I lost all interest in it for like three months after we broke up. I think thats the first time in my adult life that that happened!

 

So yes, nearly five years is a long bloody time. i did date other people in those five years (its only fair....he has a wife he continued to sporadically shag, so I had no reason to be "faithful") but still, he had my heart throughout most of it.

 

With respect to your question about why NC now but not earlier...Im not sure I have a reason I can feasibly put into words, to be honest. I was just never ready. Perhaps my maturity level, or personal growth, over the years had something to do with it. As I said, when I met him I was literally right out of college, 22 years old....and not that 27 is terribly old, but I know I have changed alot over the last five years and for some reason I never felt strong enough to keep NC with him before. Sometimes i hate i ever met him, but I suppose everything happens for a reason. Im not sure if I could have seen into the future I would have ended it back then. Who knows?

 

You are right, though, and you should grasp the introspection you currently have, because I have to say I was often so emotionally involved that it was hard to see straight. It WILL get worse. You will cry on holidays, when all you want is to see him for your birthday and he cancels on you last minute because his wife has called and his kids need something or he's afraid she'll catch him. I can't tell you how many times, as much as I loved being with him, there were a plethora of times in which I was dissapointed. Like above birthday example. Sure, last birthday he was sweet, brought be two dozen roses, made love to me and took me out to dinner. Two birthdays before that? Canceled on me last minute, furiously texting me in a panic from his bathroom or other corner of his house because his wife was suspicious of where he was going and insisted he take his brother-in-law (wife's brother) with him on the "coworker's birthday" he orignally told her he was going to that evening. It just got mentally exhausting, and after five years i started to lose sense of myself, wondering if I'd wasted half my 20's on him. Yes, as I said, I physically dated other people, and really quite liked at least a couple of them, but in the back of my mind, my heart was with MM. Hell, I havent seen him in six months now and he still has a hold on me that i suspect will get less over time, buts frustrating that I find myself on a date with a cute, available guy and think "gee, MM used to make me laugh way better than this guy".

 

If you are considering breaking it off with your MM....do it. It'll be hard, and I guarantee you will second guess your decision, wonder if you should have stuck it out, wonder if true love deserves every fighting chance, etc etc, but in the end, the sad truth is that it didnt matter how much he did or did not love me or care about me.....he wasn't going to break up his family. Not now. Will be in the future? I dont know, maybe, but I can't say I want to waste another 5 years waiting to find out. Im at that age when my frinds are starting to get married, buy houses , have kids, and I get a bit melancholy at thier weddings, looking at them with their dates and spouses. My "date" was home with his....wife? Yes, that was just lovely.

 

I dont know if that helped you at all, but I hope you do find the strength to pull away. From someone who understands the pain all too well, I look back on my own affair to when I was at your point, only six months in, when it was still exciting, and frustrating, but not enough for me to want to quit it, and wish I'd had more foresight sometimes into the reality of life. Love is great, but it isn't enough sometimes. If that doesnt help, think about his kids. Hell, my MM brought his 2 year old daughter out to lunch with us once because his wife left her at home instead of taking her with her to her sister's house. Looking at that little kid, I would think, F**K ME, how am I supposed to take her dad away? *sigh*

 

So, yeah, you'll probably hate it, and want to go back, and want to see him, and miss the hugs, the kisses, the fabulous sex (god i miss that...) but mentally you'll be better off if you end it now, and tell him to respect you and let you heal. Keep busy.... that's the only thing that's kept me sane, aside from babbling incessantly to my friends, my therapist, and on here on occasion.

 

Good luck, feel free to PM me if you like

[KismetGirl]

Hey K! Thanks for the update..Glad to hear you're doing NC and surviving.. Just think in another 6 months, you'll feel alot better and have more confidence. Being busy helps..

 

Oh wanted to ask, how were your final exams? I bet you did really well on them!

 

WWIU! Long time no "see" hey. Surviving yes, one day at a time. God its bloody hard! I hope you are right. It's all I can do sometimes to stay away from him.

 

Finals all good, now the hard part/applications come about. Pbbt! Well, we'll see how that goes in a few months....hope I didn't "miss" too much around here

[Awakening]

I'm glad to see you are doing well. I don't post much but did follow your story and have been wondering how you are faring.

 

Please don't think of any more reasons to contact him. He may feel that he can start something up again with you since some time has passed and the heat is no longer on him.

[jwi71]

Hi KG!

 

Long time no see is right.

 

Sadly, it still sounds as if he still has his hooks in you. Oh I know...you have NC (save for two lapses) BUT you still have him on a pedestal...and on which no man can dare hope to compare. You still havent let go. He still owns you.

 

And for that I am truly sorry. I wish I had some magic words or deep wisdom...I dont. Will you settle for a digital hug?

I do think you are doing the right behaviors...if only we could exorcise him from your mind...

 

How did your MCATs go? I was under the impression med school was happening THIS year...what happened?

 

Oh...its good to have our resident feisty redhead back

 

JW

[summerautumn]

Kismetgirl!

 

It is great to meet you! Love the artwork on your avatar! I haven't read your previous posts, but from what you just wrote I can see that me and you are pretty similar in personality. I am sorry you are going through this painful healing process - I do know how that feels. From what you are describing, you are doing great! You've regained some of your balance, and are finding joy again. That's awesome!

 

I have one suggestion for you, I feel it can really help you, it helped me a lot. There is this thing called the enneagram, it is personality typing. It is truly fascinating and opened my eyes sooo much. You sound like a 4, I am a 4 too. The romantic. Read about it, there is a great book that I can recommend if you want me to. It may offer you invaluable insights as to why you are having such a hard time with this now. I am sure you know you are romantic, but you may not be aware of just how much you are affected by your romanticism. Like your quote says, we see people as we are. I used to think all people perceived like me. Appently not! It was also really helpful to understand what xMM was like, because not all people are the same. Opened my eyes as to why he got into the whole thing.

 

NC is not easy for a romantic, because it can add to the fantasy. Now you don't have negative things that he does to jolt you. It is just you, your thoughts and emotions. For me, having realized that meant that I had to let go of my romantic thoughts. I gotta say I haven't let them all go, especially the syncronicities that the Universe set up. Some of them I simply cannot explain, they are too mind boggling. It is seriously the one thing that throws me back to what ifs. But thankfully, those moments don't last super long.

 

Here is a smile for you:) You are doing great!

[Athena]

I sometimes wish I was a vindictive b*tch-- one that would pick up the phone, call his wife, and tell her everything....but I don't, because who will that help? make her miserable, make him hate me. *sigh*

 

so you still want him?

 

It's gonna take you a very long time to get over him Kismet... in fact you probably will never be 'over' him --you'll always have a special place in your heart for him.

But you have decided to cut ties with him because it was an unhealthy relationship for you. Good for you for keeping up NC for half a year already...

 

The best thing you can do is to absolutely ensure you do not meet up with him face to face!

I understand you have had to call him for family members, and that physically threw you, so you can only imagine how you would react if he were to meet up with you somewhere?

 

Of course he thinks about YOU from time to time as well! He's not a machine! There will be reminders and triggers of you everywhere for him too. But you both have made a commitment to move on. The feelings will fade with time, and if you do get involved with a nice guy that should mostly move MM out of your thoughts when you start thinking obsessively of a new man!

[jj33]

Hey KG. You are doing great. Doing NC doesnt mean that you immediately hate them or the memory disappears.

 

You are being very disciplined which is great.

 

It takes time but the feelings do rearrange themselves. They morph into something that once was and might of been as opposed to something dormant within you that is there with you ever day even though you are not contacting one another.

 

Suddenly one day you just move into acceptance. It isnt. Its not going to be and that is OK. It was a moment shared.

 

You will get there. You are doing really well.

[ForumFool]

I am glad you are OK but man I hope you get this man out of your system..I recall clearly what you posted about when you were forced because he broke up with you to go NC...I am not even sure that is really NC but no matter what I am glad you are away from him cause he will shove you away again like he did that A.M ...(I choose not to embarass you by posting that info..I am sure you remember deep down)....you dont need that..In fact you have a very selective way of remembering how it went down....do you recall his moves he got from you that he used on his wife? Girl get into reality and just go NC if people ask you to contact him write them a reference....NC means just that NO .none...zero ...zip

[KismetGirl]

I am glad you are OK but man I hope you get this man out of your system..I recall clearly what you posted about when you were forced because he broke up with you to go NC...I am not even sure that is really NC but no matter what I am glad you are away from him cause he will shove you away again like he did that A.M ...(I choose not to embarass you by posting that info..I am sure you remember deep down)....you dont need that..In fact you have a very selective way of remembering how it went down....do you recall his moves he got from you that he used on his wife? Girl get into reality and just go NC if people ask you to contact him write them a reference....NC means just that NO .none...zero ...zip

 

1) I don't get embarrassed. My choices are my own, and I don't have to make excuses for them. He didn't push me away because he didn't like me, and I hardly call kissing me outright pushing me away, but he was doing that because he didn't want to take advantage of me by f**king me in the same moment that he was trying to break up with me again, and frankly I sort of appreciate that he would have at least that much respect at the moment. But generally, when you say you don't want to bring something up, then don't f**king bring it up, because by saying it again, you just did. So don't do me any freaking favours.

 

2) NC = no contact. It has no stipulations on how it must be started. I broke it twice two ask him to give resumes to his company on behalf of two family members of mine that were having trouble finding work, because honestly, my old company was a great place to work and I would have stayed there if not for my relationship with him. And I knew he would be able to get them interviews, and he did. I had to call, because to be honest I was not sure if he would even open an email if he saw it was coming from me after all this time, so I wanted to ensure he would do me the favour, and he did on both occasions.

 

I think I am doing rather well considering in six months I've not made any attempt to see him. When I called both times for the resume questions, I kept it strictly to converstion about my family members needing jobs, and nothing with me. When he asked me how I was doing, I said fine and moved on to the job questions again. I called because it was more conveneint and quicker than hoping he'd read my email and sitting and waiting, and frankly, it was better because he got to my requests imemdiately and now my sister's got an interview next week that she will likely get the job for, and it's been four months since she's been able to get even that in this crap economy. So, I'd have to say, I don't feel too bad about it, because I love her and I wanted to help her. Good thing you're not my sister and I don't have to ask you for help anytime soon.

 

That's all. I didn't come back here to argue with this BS again.

[KismetGirl]

Hey KG. You are doing great. Doing NC doesnt mean that you immediately hate them or the memory disappears.

 

You are being very disciplined which is great.

 

It takes time but the feelings do rearrange themselves. They morph into something that once was and might of been as opposed to something dormant within you that is there with you ever day even though you are not contacting one another.

 

Suddenly one day you just move into acceptance. It isnt. Its not going to be and that is OK. It was a moment shared.

 

You will get there. You are doing really well.

 

Hey JJ

 

Good to see you again. Thanks, yes, I know its going to take time....at one point I started to think the feelings were becoming distant and sort of buried , but it's apparent they havent, really, not yet. If just hearing his voice, or even just seeing a random bartender that looks exactly like him as I did that weekend, can have such an effect on me, I suppose I haven't reached the point yet.

 

But hey, one day at a time. As I said, couple months ago I wouldnt even have considered going on a date. I had that brief rebound , as you might recall, with that guy I went on a date with soon after breaking up with MM, who himself turned out to be married, and I ended up stopping that before it got anywhere far as well. I actually still speak to this other guy on occasion via email or whatnot, but I told him months ago that I couldnt and wouldnt entertain dates until he was divorced, and since he won't have unconditional residency on his visa until two years of marriage, that won't be happening for another year at least! So, screw that.

 

I do miss MM though, alot. I dont miss the feelings of desperation, of course, so it's got two sides to it I suppose. I don't miss watching him go home to his wife or constantly worrying that he's going to get caught and wondering if today will be the day he decides his guilt is too much for him to bear yet again. I certainly don't miss finding out that I was playing inadvertant sex therapist to his marriage either, though retrospectively it's almost funny in that not-so-funny way that I can't explain in words. I do miss him as a person, but we've tried several times in the past to just be "friends" and it never seemed to work very well. My friend said to me the other day that she felt sorry for him-- what kind of good marriage can he expect to have if he spent 5 out of 8 years of his marriage cheating on his wife? She doesn't think he's as happy as he seems, and I suppose in some ways Im inclined to agree. I do want him to be happy, if only because I'll always love him, Im just waiting for the day that I can think about him and not feel that knot of emptyness and longing in my chest which still comes about for me once in a while now.

 

But I think I am doing better in many ways and people seem to comment more often lately that I seem happier than I was for a long time. I feel a bit lonely sometimes (not for lack of family or friends, got plenty of those), but because I miss that romantic feeling of interest I had with MM. Dates are easy to come by; connections with a man that make me happy are, sadly, not as easy to come by. But it's either hope I find someone else, or settle for someone that doesn't give me that spark, and thankfully I'm still young enough to be ok with waiting for the former.

 

I havent had a chance to check out too many postings on here since i started looking around again couple days ago, but I hope you too are healing well and are happier these days. Those dreams can still be a kicker sometimes....I still get those. The ones where in them me and MM are happy, and then I wake up and realize it's not real, but they don't bother me quite as much as they used to, so I guess that's a start.

 

Hope all is well :-)

[KismetGirl]

so you still want him?

 

It's gonna take you a very long time to get over him Kismet... in fact you probably will never be 'over' him --you'll always have a special place in your heart for him.

But you have decided to cut ties with him because it was an unhealthy relationship for you. Good for you for keeping up NC for half a year already...

 

The best thing you can do is to absolutely ensure you do not meet up with him face to face!

I understand you have had to call him for family members, and that physically threw you, so you can only imagine how you would react if he were to meet up with you somewhere?

 

Of course he thinks about YOU from time to time as well! He's not a machine! There will be reminders and triggers of you everywhere for him too. But you both have made a commitment to move on. The feelings will fade with time, and if you do get involved with a nice guy that should mostly move MM out of your thoughts when you start thinking obsessively of a new man!

 

Ah, yes, in many ways of course I still want him! I don't the affair again, just him, though of course at this time those two are sort of one and the same, whih is why I haven't seen him in person. I suspect that, if he saw me in person, he'd give in again. Just was the same pattern over and over for years, but I haven't. every other time we broke up i'd find some excuse to physically see him again and he'd never resist. This time, I haven't done that, much as I want to sometimes.

 

It's likely I'll never forget him, but hope in due time it won't matter. It's happened before. I know I've mentioned, but there was one person I dated for nearly a year or more, give or take, in the time I knew MM, and I'd liked that guy enough so that when I was dating him I was not in any way tempted to talk to MM, so I hope to find somethng like that again some day. I realize that one must be happy with themselves to be happy with anyone else, trust me, and I don't want to rely on any man to make me happy, but I have to say when people are in happy relationships, its alot easier to enjoy many other things in life, and more so, to deal with other stressors. The support of a significant other you really get on with is am amazingly good thing to have in life. When I was last with someone I really liked, all the other stressors of life seemed much easier to deal with.

 

But yeah, I won't be seeing him in person. if just hearing his voice on the phone is enough to make my hands shake afterwards, I can imagine I'll crumble if he was literally standing in front of me again. Everyone's got one person that is a lifelong weakness....perhaps he's mine. As I tell my patients with drug addicitons....you'll often be presented with temptation, but if you can help it, remove yourself from negative environments to minimize it, because even the strongest people in the world can have difficulty with restraint when constantly barraged with the very thing that they crave!

 

Thanks for writing, Athena, glad to see you are still around, and I hope you are dealing as well as possible with your own situation. We all deserve to be happy in the end, don't we?

[KismetGirl]

Hi KG!

 

Long time no see is right.

 

Sadly, it still sounds as if he still has his hooks in you. Oh I know...you have NC (save for two lapses) BUT you still have him on a pedestal...and on which no man can dare hope to compare. You still havent let go. He still owns you.

 

And for that I am truly sorry. I wish I had some magic words or deep wisdom...I dont. Will you settle for a digital hug?

I do think you are doing the right behaviors...if only we could exorcise him from your mind...

 

How did your MCATs go? I was under the impression med school was happening THIS year...what happened?

 

Oh...its good to have our resident feisty redhead back

 

JW

 

Hi JW ;-)

 

Fiesty redhead is back. Woohoo! My Halloween costume this year is going to be my Avatar of dark pheonix . i figured I have the hair, now I just need a red bodysuit and gold boots ;-)

 

Sure, digital hugs are always welcome! You can even have one in return ((hug))

 

The physical act of NC is, for lack of better words, easy enough, but the mental separation is proving incrementally more difficult. Everytime I think Im getting better at forgetting him, something reminds me of him and Im reminded just how much I miss him still. I suppose maybe that never goes away? I dont know. I wish you had magical words to extrapolate the shmuck from the recesses of my mind as well! Im not sure I have him on a pedestel per say, because his faults are glaringly apparent to me. I think what frustrates me is that I felt that I had found someone that, despite all their faults, I'd been content with them overall. if he hadn't been married, it would have been one of those situations in which I'd been attracted to the person from day one physically and mentally, where he understood my quirky sense of humour that alot of people seem not to get, where sex was fabulous after 4 years, where intelligence levels were compatible, where he was (despite arguments about cheaters being back parents) he was a good father, a family minded guy, and just overall had the things I look for and have difficulty finding in the same person. I very, very rarely find myself attracted to men in that way, so when I do it's exciting. I've forced myself to settle for guys before purely because they were nice and "good enough" and I have to say it would be dreadfully depressing if I ended up with one of those just for lack of anyone better. I think that's what I fear, sometimes, however illogical that seems-- that I will end up like...well....him. It's not the worst existance in the world, but its just....I dont know. Married to a good person , a good spouse, a good parent, but that something is just forever "missing". I think that would be terrible. it's something I think about more lately, maybe because, as I've said, Im at that age where alot of my friends are just starting to get married, buy houses, settle down. In about 4 weeks from now, one of my oldest friends (we've been friends since we were like 11 years old) is going to have his first kid, and it'll be my first friend to have a baby, and I have to say I am somewhat jealous when I see how perfectly content he is with his wife. It's nice to have that support. I get frustrated doing everything myself sometimes....Ive been fiercely independant my whole life but lately I just want a break!

 

Anyway, things got a little stressful this year and I decided I needed to wait , so Im taking MCAT in jan 2010 now. Four months ! Argh~ thten will submit application next year. It gives me some extra time to study and, more importantly, save up some direly needed moolah.

 

It's cool, I've been keeping busy. Have been going out ALOT more than I was for a while. I think I was out till 6 in the morning every night from Wed to Sunday last week, and somehow still went to work. Nutter. Im being pulled in ten million directions between work, studying, family, friends but, better to stay busy than sit home alone thinking about bollocks!

[KismetGirl]

Kismetgirl!

 

It is great to meet you! Love the artwork on your avatar! I haven't read your previous posts, but from what you just wrote I can see that me and you are pretty similar in personality. I am sorry you are going through this painful healing process - I do know how that feels. From what you are describing, you are doing great! You've regained some of your balance, and are finding joy again. That's awesome!

 

I have one suggestion for you, I feel it can really help you, it helped me a lot. There is this thing called the enneagram, it is personality typing. It is truly fascinating and opened my eyes sooo much. You sound like a 4, I am a 4 too. The romantic. Read about it, there is a great book that I can recommend if you want me to. It may offer you invaluable insights as to why you are having such a hard time with this now. I am sure you know you are romantic, but you may not be aware of just how much you are affected by your romanticism. Like your quote says, we see people as we are. I used to think all people perceived like me. Appently not! It was also really helpful to understand what xMM was like, because not all people are the same. Opened my eyes as to why he got into the whole thing.

 

NC is not easy for a romantic, because it can add to the fantasy. Now you don't have negative things that he does to jolt you. It is just you, your thoughts and emotions. For me, having realized that meant that I had to let go of my romantic thoughts. I gotta say I haven't let them all go, especially the syncronicities that the Universe set up. Some of them I simply cannot explain, they are too mind boggling. It is seriously the one thing that throws me back to what ifs. But thankfully, those moments don't last super long.

 

Here is a smile for you:) You are doing great!

 

hi there, nice to meet you as well

 

Ah yes, i have always been a bit of that hopeless romantic type, though its become more of a cynical romantic over the years ;-) , even though that sounds a bit contradictory in terms, somehow I manage to be one. lol.

 

Ah, the synchrinocities of the universe! Yes, some people call it god, some people call it fate, I just think the universe enjoys a good laugh. Meh. They are frustrating because right when Im in the middle of thinking "hey, i havent been upset in a while, thats nice", boom, a bus rolls in front of my car with a huge sign that says "London!" on it (seriously), or a song that he likes comes on the radio, or an of a million other things , like eerily-twin-bartenders , come about to remind me. Almost like fate is just taunting me to see how long I can hold out before I cave. Well, suck it, universe! Well, not really, but you get what I mean.

 

What's the book you were talking about? Not sure if you can PM me yet ( i think you need to post 50 or 100 times or something for that), but if you can PM, feel free to send me one. Ciao

[bentnotbroken]

Kis, there will always be things in your life that will try to lead you off God's chosen path for you. We are all like little children, if it is shiny, cute, makes nice sounds, we want it. But just like kids, the shine wears off. It takes time, but the new thing eventually loses it's appeal and we move on to the next thing. Time (very old fashioned...I know, I'm old though:D)is the ultimate healer. The further you get away from the forest the more clearly you can see the trees.

[secondbest]

Thanks Kisimet I am new here and just come out of a six year affair. I feel the same way you do. I am new to no contact only a month in it and it is hard but i know its the best. It helps me to know im not the only one in the world going through this so thanks again for your posts.

[ForumFool]

I am glad like I said that you are staying away from him as long as you DO stay away..I still do not see it as NC when you have been IN CONTACT with him...that is not putting you down just a fact. You could have sent a LETTER with your sister for her to give to him in person...thus no talking as you said his voice got to you....If you want I can pull out what happened instead of trying not to cram it in your face but I was trying to be kind by remining you and NOT posting your whole history on this thread...LOL I am not arguing with you..I just know your threads very well from many months..I have a good memory....The fact is YOU didn't want the NC it was forced on you..BUT the end result is for your betterment ..In some ways you started it with the whole BBQ thing ...I too am glad he didn't take you up on that one last f*ck at your place when he came to break it up and you tried....I think YES that IS to his credit.

 

As to finding a way to move past the thoughts of him as not to sink back into his side dish ..which by now you know he will not leave her for you....is to focus on school and look at all the crappy things he did to you and his family...dudes not a prize....

 

I would not ask my sister to get me a job no matter what the cost to ME if it meant I would set her up to screw up NC with a man who had kids while he used her and dumped her....Not arguing ...just being honest and no sugar coating....He pushed you away because he wanted his wife..I am sorry if you THINK that's arguing and all but its not. Truth does not equal fighting ...I am sorry you hurt but this will pass. I watched all your pain over this for months and just don't want you to slip back into it..because I fear I see it starting..THAT IS CONCERN and caring

 

1) I don't get embarrassed. My choices are my own, and I don't have to make excuses for them. He didn't push me away because he didn't like me, and I hardly call kissing me outright pushing me away, but he was doing that because he didn't want to take advantage of me by f**king me in the same moment that he was trying to break up with me again, and frankly I sort of appreciate that he would have at least that much respect at the moment. But generally, when you say you don't want to bring something up, then don't f**king bring it up, because by saying it again, you just did. So don't do me any freaking favours.

 

2) NC = no contact. It has no stipulations on how it must be started. I broke it twice two ask him to give resumes to his company on behalf of two family members of mine that were having trouble finding work, because honestly, my old company was a great place to work and I would have stayed there if not for my relationship with him. And I knew he would be able to get them interviews, and he did. I had to call, because to be honest I was not sure if he would even open an email if he saw it was coming from me after all this time, so I wanted to ensure he would do me the favour, and he did on both occasions.

 

I think I am doing rather well considering in six months I've not made any attempt to see him. When I called both times for the resume questions, I kept it strictly to converstion about my family members needing jobs, and nothing with me. When he asked me how I was doing, I said fine and moved on to the job questions again. I called because it was more conveneint and quicker than hoping he'd read my email and sitting and waiting, and frankly, it was better because he got to my requests imemdiately and now my sister's got an interview next week that she will likely get the job for, and it's been four months since she's been able to get even that in this crap economy. So, I'd have to say, I don't feel too bad about it, because I love her and I wanted to help her. Good thing you're not my sister and I don't have to ask you for help anytime soon.

 

That's all. I didn't come back here to argue with this BS again.

[KismetGirl]

I am glad like I said that you are staying away from him as long as you DO stay away..I still do not see it as NC when you have been IN CONTACT with him...that is not putting you down just a fact. You could have sent a LETTER with your sister for her to give to him in person...thus no talking as you said his voice got to you....If you want I can pull out what happened instead of trying not to cram it in your face but I was trying to be kind by remining you and NOT posting your whole history on this thread...LOL I am not arguing with you..I just know your threads very well from many months..I have a good memory....The fact is YOU didn't want the NC it was forced on you..BUT the end result is for your betterment ..In some ways you started it with the whole BBQ thing ...I too am glad he didn't take you up on that one last f*ck at your place when he came to break it up and you tried....I think YES that IS to his credit.

 

As to finding a way to move past the thoughts of him as not to sink back into his side dish ..which by now you know he will not leave her for you....is to focus on school and look at all the crappy things he did to you and his family...dudes not a prize....

 

I would not ask my sister to get me a job no matter what the cost to ME if it meant I would set her up to screw up NC with a man who had kids while he used her and dumped her....Not arguing ...just being honest and no sugar coating....He pushed you away because he wanted his wife..I am sorry if you THINK that's arguing and all but its not. Truth does not equal fighting ...I am sorry you hurt but this will pass. I watched all your pain over this for months and just don't want you to slip back into it..because I fear I see it starting..THAT IS CONCERN and caring

 

I appreciate that you think you are being caring and showing concern, but you need to find a better way to do it than by threatening to drudge up old details I have no interest in discussing in detail anymore. Support and caring would be focusing on the fact that after 4.5 years I have been able to restrain from seeing him in person for almost six months when he works down the street from where I live and I all I have to do is seehim in person to start all this up again as it happened over and over again in the past. He chose his family because he got caught again, not because he had a moralistic push. He had guilt, yes, but he never ever broke up with me unless he had gotten caught again and risked losing everything, as he did again last time.

 

So, for the future, people respond much better when you praise them for the good things they have done, and point out their strengths, rather than rubbing past weaknesses in their face. Thank god you are not a therapist, your patients would have all killed themselves by now. Seriously, there is no tough love needed right now. I have't said Im going to see him again....I said I want to, and there is a difference. I can't control my feelings for him. All i can control are my actions , and considering how hurt I've been, I'd have to say my ability to restrain from any contact, physical or otherwise, aside from calling TWICE for five minutes each time to discuss purely jobs for peope I know, I really dont think its that bad. Sometimes total NC isn't realistic. Im doing better than many. And no, I couldnt just pop a letter in the mail , because A) that would take too long to get to him as I never know what office he will be in until I call his voicemail that same day to get his daily schedule and B) calling was more efficient.

 

My sister would never ask me to put myself through emotional turmoil, I took it upon myself after she has struggled for four months to find work. And i got her the interview, and Im happy about it. One five minute phone call and some distress is worth it if I can help her. Me and you have different perceptions of helping our loved ones, so be it.

 

That's it, this conversation is over, there's nothing else to say about it. I appreciate your concern, just don't respond well to your method of threatening me , so if that's all you've got to offer, I'd go elsewhere. Have a nice day.

[ForumFool]

Oh KS I am not threatening you AT ALL...AND YOU KNOW IT my point was I could have posted your old threads to remind you how you felt and what you said at the end... but didn't ...I said I could but anyone can find your old post...If YOU go back and read all your old posts it will be much easier to avoid your desire for him...I am shocked you even HAVE ANY for him.. go read your own threads.

 

I don't have to pat you on the back you have been doing it from post one. You have a history in here of getting mad and defensive when people point out facts you choose not to see. YOU FAILED to read my post ..as I said you could have had your sister GO IN PERSON WITH THE NOTE FROM YOU ...no delay then right?. You remind me of a junkie who states they have 5 months clean when they just took a little the last couple of weeks....YES you did good....you kept away from a man who said he didn't want you....now you are slowly starting back...As to career choices ...I think I am more reality based than you are and much more objective...I did work in the field, nobody offed themselves lol ahhh KS queen of drama.... The people with BPD were sent to DBT which I suggested to you once before... I remember you got really mad at me when I told you he was having sex with his wife and oral..you hated me for being objective..and I was right ...you know that now..I am not being snotty with you but the same goes here too...TWISTING my words in your hysterical anger will not erase the facts....My concern remains....when will you cave..I see it coming...You can get mad all you want..stomp your feet..call people names...distort what they say..I have seen it before when many said he could have had another OW...but at the end of the day you ended up alone and hurt..I honestly don't want to see that..You are somewhat up....don't slide down....keep NO contact....

 

BTW what ever happened to med school? I thought you were taking the tests in the It's over thread?

 

Edited to add...I never ..show me the words lol...that he didn't like you..I really think he did like you but the choices he made were more towards his wife and how he felt on her...does that make you less of a person than her heck no

 

Also YES I know he got caught and I was glad..not because it caused you pain but because it was a way to get the toxic relationship to end

 

For the record I am proud and glad for you but I really really and I wish you could see my face and hear my voice ...am afraid I see you starting to bend and I don't want you to be back in the pain I saw you in before...Can you agree and understand why I would want you to avoid that?

[KismetGirl]

Oh KS I am not threatening you AT ALL...AND YOU KNOW IT my point was I could have posted your old threads to remind you how you felt and what you said at the end... but didn't ...I said I could but anyone can find your old post...If YOU go back and read all your old posts it will be much easier to avoid your desire for him...I am shocked you even HAVE ANY for him.. go read your own threads.

 

I don't have to pat you on the back you have been doing it from post one. You have a history in here of getting mad and defensive when people point out facts you choose not to see. YOU FAILED to read my post ..as I said you could have had your sister GO IN PERSON WITH THE NOTE FROM YOU ...no delay then right?. You remind me of a junkie who states they have 5 months clean when they just took a little the last couple of weeks....YES you did good....you kept away from a man who said he didn't want you....now you are slowly starting back...As to career choices ...I think I am more reality based than you are and much more objective...I did work in the field, nobody offed themselves lol ahhh KS queen of drama.... The people with BPD were sent to DBT which I suggested to you once before... I remember you got really mad at me when I told you he was having sex with his wife and oral..you hated me for being objective..and I was right ...you know that now..I am not being snotty with you but the same goes here too...TWISTING my words in your hysterical anger will not erase the facts....My concern remains....when will you cave..I see it coming...You can get mad all you want..stomp your feet..call people names...distort what they say..I have seen it before when many said he could have had another OW...but at the end of the day you ended up alone and hurt..I honestly don't want to see that..You are somewhat up....don't slide down....keep NO contact....

 

BTW what ever happened to med school? I thought you were taking the tests in the It's over thread?

 

Edited to add...I never ..show me the words lol...that he didn't like you..I really think he did like you but the choices he made were more towards his wife and how he felt on her...does that make you less of a person than her heck no

 

Also YES I know he got caught and I was glad..not because it caused you pain but because it was a way to get the toxic relationship to end

 

For the record I am proud and glad for you but I really really and I wish you could see my face and hear my voice ...am afraid I see you starting to bend and I don't want you to be back in the pain I saw you in before...Can you agree and understand why I would want you to avoid that?

 

Oh vey, point taken. Im no bending anywhere, you just haven't heard from me in a while. I've been "bending" since the day I met him, Im just waiting for those feelings to dissipate. Some days better, some days worse, it is what it is. Im being honest that I still care for him, and I dont see how admitting that means Im bending towards him again just because I sent him a couple of resumes. Seriously, if I was going to see him its not that hard. I haven't, and maybe thats not much to you, but considering I constantly want to see him, that's alot for me, because for 4.5 years, I didn't hold back when I had these feelings. I'd just go see him.

 

And yeah....a junkie doing a few bags of dope in the course of their recovery is somewhat different than me making one phone call that involved no personal discussion whatsoever, but if the analogy works for you then go for it. Not getting into the semantics of who could have given letters in person, because its stupid. My sister doesnt know him, it makes no sense professionally for her to show up on his office door step and shove a resume in his face when he doesnt even know who she is, that would just be awkward for her.

 

Anyway, whatever, she has the interview, that's it, Im happy for it. I miss him, i probably will for a long time, but it is what it is, feelings take nearly 5 years to build up, I assume that means they'll take longer than just six little months to dissipate.

[ForumFool]

I don't think it would be stupid to have my sister show up with a personal note requesting help for her job placement as well as her resume...but we just differ on that.

 

The addiction thing too..yep we disagree on that as I see clean as clean you can't be clean or have NO contact and have contact..but we can agree its all said and done on those issues...my fear for you is your contacting him again....really I am concerned...Maybe and I am not being snarky ..go back and read the threads when you broke up ANY time you are highly tempted to contact him..I am guessing that would kill the desire to contact him..Hey KS I AM on your side and thus don't want to see you go from shall we call it light contact to full blown contact..YOU don't need that ...you can have a good future but honestly not with him in it. ...I just don't wanna see you hurt and you will miss the good parts of him and the the man you THOUGHT he was for a long time off and on off and on...but one day...after NC for a long time....you will be able to see it all clearly ..and will be glad you moved forward no matter who started the break...THAT is what I want for you

[SadandConfusedWA]

What would have happened with your sister if you never were involved with MM? I really do not see you calling MM necessary at all. I feel like you jumped at the chance of having contact with him and are lying to yourself about it. The only reason you have kept calls professional is because HE didn't go down personal path. The only reason that you are doing NC in the first place is because again, HE wanted to. If there was a mere signal from him that he wants you back, well we all know what would happen.

 

I think that even those 2 short phone calls have set you back greatly. Another troubling thought is that you have put him on a pedestal and seem to be over-romanticizing your relationship and compatibility. You seem to have completely blacked out all the parts that don't seem to fit with your romantic picture of him. Like the fact that there were possibly OOW. Like how he dropped you many times when it suited him. Like how he hasn't initiated any contact with you in last 6 months. You are the only one initiating contact here - he hasn't even responded to your e-mails. On the phone he kept calls short, what is the alternative - hanging up on you? Also you seem to read a lot into the fact how keen he was to help your sister. Of course he was - he doesn't want to anger you. You could call the W and cause a lot of trouble for him, it pays for him to keep you on his good side.

 

The bottom line is that you were/are very much in an unrequited love situation. He simply doesn't feel as deeply for you as you do for him. You need to wake up and smell the coffee if you want to have a real shot of moving on. The real key to moving on from this (and yeah I may sound blunt but I have been there) is to realize that the other person simply doesn't feel the same way. You seem to make excuses for him and his circumstances. The fact is MM HAVE fallen madly in love with OW and HAVE left their wives and kids before. In the five years that you were together he hasn't even considered it. Obviously, he is missing "madly in love" part. I hope you see that one day.