6 Months of NC (sorta)- thought I'd check in if anyone cares to compare

[Sanafa]

Wow.... been back all of two minutes and have seen so many threads on NC and just as expected a whole bunch of

 

" Just face it, he loves her more".

 

You know what, that may or may NOT be true.... for every man that loved his wife more there is another that loved his LIFE more than both the OW/W.

 

And just as many BS here to prove that many stay for the family/obligations etc.

 

Yes, he may have loved her more..... but he may also simply love his life more or struggle with being the one to throw down the axe, especially when children and other things come into play.

 

Only you will know when you are ready to walk - and I am truly sorry you are going through this *trust me, I know how fricken hard it is.

 

Seldom is it black or white..... but glad to see nothing has changed here and the chanting is the same.

[KismetGirl]

What would have happened with your sister if you never were involved with MM? I really do not see you calling MM necessary at all. I feel like you jumped at the chance of having contact with him and are lying to yourself about it. The only reason you have kept calls professional is because HE didn't go down personal path. The only reason that you are doing NC in the first place is because again, HE wanted to. If there was a mere signal from him that he wants you back, well we all know what would happen.

 

I think that even those 2 short phone calls have set you back greatly. Another troubling thought is that you have put him on a pedestal and seem to be over-romanticizing your relationship and compatibility. You seem to have completely blacked out all the parts that don't seem to fit with your romantic picture of him. Like the fact that there were possibly OOW. Like how he dropped you many times when it suited him. Like how he hasn't initiated any contact with you in last 6 months. You are the only one initiating contact here - he hasn't even responded to your e-mails. On the phone he kept calls short, what is the alternative - hanging up on you? Also you seem to read a lot into the fact how keen he was to help your sister. Of course he was - he doesn't want to anger you. You could call the W and cause a lot of trouble for him, it pays for him to keep you on his good side.

 

The bottom line is that you were/are very much in an unrequited love situation. He simply doesn't feel as deeply for you as you do for him. You need to wake up and smell the coffee if you want to have a real shot of moving on. The real key to moving on from this (and yeah I may sound blunt but I have been there) is to realize that the other person simply doesn't feel the same way. You seem to make excuses for him and his circumstances. The fact is MM HAVE fallen madly in love with OW and HAVE left their wives and kids before. In the five years that you were together he hasn't even considered it. Obviously, he is missing "madly in love" part. I hope you see that one day.

 

 

You know, when I came back here it wasnt to get back into the same old arguments I used to but it seems inevitable tht people feel a need to drugde stuff up again no matter what I do. Seriously, the intent of this post orignally was to just catch up people on my situation, let others in my own situation know that NC after a very long affair is possible, but that it is difficult and that even when you think you might be getting better, just hearing the person's voice can remind you how much they have an effect n you. If anything, hearing his voice and the physical effect it had on me REMINDED me more than anything that I need to stay away from him because it brought back some of those depressed feelings I hadn't had much lately, that I got more when things with him were going badly.

 

I kept the calls short and professional because I wanted and needed to. He started asking me how I was doing, as I mentioned in an earlier post, and I kept it to questions about the jobs and my sister/cousin. If I'd never met MM, then obviously I couldnt ask him for help on getting my sis a job, and she'd still be looking. that's a stupid question. But he was available, and I did know he could help, and so I took advantage of that fact and got her the interview. It's a great company to work for, with great benefits, and she really needs the health insurance more than even the salary right now, which is altogether no one's business here so I have no idea why I am even trying to justify this to you anymore. If all I wanted was an excuse to talk to him or see him, i assure you I don't need to make those up. I am very forward and if I want to see someone, I go and see them or call them, just like I've done every time before. I don't try to make roundabout excuses.

 

I wanted to help her, and I did. End. of. effing. story.

 

HE did write ME an email once in these six months , a month after I sent him one letting him know how I felt about everything he'd done over the years, apologizing and discussing certain things and hoping I was ok and things I dont need to get into, and after that I sent a couple of one liner drunk emails that did not warrant responses. Other than that, no contact on BOTH ends. When I was asked for the job help, I sat and stared at the phone trying to breathe normally. Because frankly, no, i did not want to talk to him. YES I was curious to hear his voice again but I think that is perfectly normal and not at all out of line or weird. Many people often wonder what their ex's are up to, especially when they didnt really get over them emotionally yet.

 

After speaking to mutual friends of him and I that are aware of our affair, I think it's probable the "other photos" he had were of his wife, and not of another OOW or whatever. She wasn't very eager to try anything new in bed, and as we all know and apparently like for me to discuss over and over again, me and him had a very active and exciting sex life, if nothing else, and he apparently took things we did and tried to get his wife interested in them, such as taking photos. I assume this was his own attempt to fix his own marriage, as it would be much happier and easier for him to not want to cheat on her if he was fully happy with thier marriage, and I know their sex life was usually a low point for him. As much as I dont like it, it does make sense. Is it easier to fix the current house you have, if it's just got some cracks, by taking tips from a contractor, or to take a plot of empty land and build an entirely new house with the contractor? I hope someone gets my analogy. In case they dont, let me spell it out for you: Im the contractor, the current house is his current life, the cracks in the current house are his marriage deficiencies, and the empty plot of land and potential house that doesnt exist yet to be built with the contractor is a brand new life to be built with me. Oh, and you cant bring kids to the new house either. Hard to leave those buggers behind, especially when they're all barely out of toddlerhood. you know what, NOT all people can just leave their marriages because they like or love someone else. Ive met plenty, in person, who couldnt do it even though they wanted to. Everyone is different. Stop making blanet statements for chrissake, why do so many people do that here, as if ANYONE here is an expert on human behaviour? Show me studies you've done and then I'll follow your word as anything more than your personal opinion.

 

Frankly, at this point it doesnt even matter. Five years, no matter what anyone says to me, is not something people risk their marriages for over and over and over with the same person if they dont care abotu that person to a reasonable extent and have some problems with their marriage. Say what you will, that's my belief and many others would agree with me. If you dont, then believe what you want, because you arent going to change my mind in thinking that the man at least cared about me after all this time. Let it go.

 

it's irrelevant what you think, to be honest, because there are two ways to look at nearly everything which makes most debate mostly entertaining to other people and frustrating to everyone else.

 

He was keen to help my sister because he doesn't hate me, despite everything. We are awkward with each other right now for obvious reasons, but we never hated each other, we just realized this coudlnt end happily. He could have just as easily told me there were no positions, or that he couldnt make any promises that she'd get hired. If I wanted to tell his W anything I would have done it long ago and he knows it. All the s*it he has done to anger me ove the years, and Ive never once told her anything. I have her phone number, their address, she has my email address....nothing. He's known me for 5 freaking years. Im not an awful, vindictive person, and he knows I will never tell his W and he trusts me that I wouldnt. And I won't. Much as I want to sometimes, that's not the type of person I am. She hasn't done anything to me....no point in rubbing her husband's infidelity of many years into her face. Maybe that's how you would react if he didnt get your sister a job, but thats not how I would. And he knows that. One thing he did always thank me for was for always being so understanding and good to him about not trying to break his family up. I said many times I felt no need to force or threaten someone to be with me. So I got the short end of the stick in the affair and he knew it, and we frankly discussed it many times.

 

Whatever, Im not here to debate the affair anymore, its over and done with, and those phone calls didnt set me back , ive been the same more or less, and actually getting better. I used to cry about him every day, now its just passing thoughts, and if I stay busy, which I do more often than not lately, I can usually not think about him at alll until Im home alone, and then I cant help it sometimes. It is NORMAL for me to still think about him people, seriously. I think you shoudl be more worried about my imminent insanity if I said that after 4.5 years that I magically forgot he existed in a matter of less than six months.

 

FYI- as to the med school thing, seriously, when someone keeps avoiding a topic, stop pressuring. Things got stressful for me this year. A good friend of mine died and I couldnt get my head into the exam so I decided to wait to take it until Jan. Please dont ask me about why I havent applied yet anymore, Ive addressed this like three times already and have now told you another reason I was stressed. Enough?

 

Good to see that some things change, and some things never bloody change. To any people reading this going through your own NC or Affairs or whatever you are dealing with.....shun the naysayers. The best advice is that that looks at BOTH sides of the story and gives constructive advice without insulting you. They are far and few between, but there are some genuinly caring, thoughtful people on this site and those are the ones you should pay attention to. I let myself get caught up in bollocks arguments, but hey, its late and ive got massive insomnia again and have nothing better to do than argue until the sleepiness kicks in.....*yawn* which is coming about now. Ciao.

[awkward]

Great to hear from you KG.

 

Wow I can't believe it has been six months. You are doing it girl. Keep up the good work. Considering how this limited contact has affected you, I hope that you won't have anymore contact with him. It just brings the pain back to the surface.

 

I bet you that in five years you won't remember the affair as romantically as you do now. By then I don't think you will look back and think he was your soul mate. Heck by then you might be with the right guy for you. But it does take time. It will get easier. Before we know it we will be having a party in here for your one year anniversary.

 

I am happy to read that your XMM hasn't been fishing in your pond. If he does come sniffing, do me a favor and kick him in the balls for me.

 

I hope you stick around and help others that are hurting as much as you were in the beginning.

[jennie-jennie]

for every man that loved his wife more there is another that loved his LIFE more than both the OW/W.

 

Now ain't that the truth! Exactly what my MM said: "I have come to realize that there are more important things in my life than the love for a woman."

 

I understand that no BS wants to believe that WS/MM stays with her not because he loves her more than OW but because his greatest love is his way of life. But that is how many men function - unfortunately.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks, Kismet, for writing an interesting post about life in NC. I am only on my third day and it is horrible. I get these urges every once in a while that overwhelm me to contact him. I have 56 hours down now. This is going to be a hard and long road.

[Sanafa]

Now ain't that the truth! Exactly what my MM said: "I have come to realize that there are more important things in my life than the love for a woman."

 

I understand that no BS wants to believe that WS/MM stays with her not because he loves her more than OW but because his greatest love is his way of life. But that is how many men function - unfortunately.

 

I haven't been around much, but Jeanie - God I feel for you!

 

As I said to MM - It sucks MONKEY's ASS!

 

This whole thing. Hearing him say the "If's" in one breath an the next defending that he isn't settling.

 

You know what he isn't - He is simply choosing other priorities. He can't pull the trigger - I am 100% certain of that.

 

His W and I walked into each other just recently ( in very literal terms) the sadness in her was unbelievable. I knew it too and argue against him telling her the depth of our relationship. I know people were cheering on the honest points, but for the love of god - You do not tell the W " we had unconditional love" " she gave me the ability to be myself"...... Utterly crushing and seeing her just reinforced that.

 

When I was home, I told MM I had seen her, that it was uncomfortable and that I had hoped it didn't cause more trouble. He said " oh, she didn't say anything- maybe she didn't see you"......

 

Sad and the acceptance part for me - they are both choosing to life this life for a multidude of reasons --- but it isn't intimacy. She can't even trust him enough to share the pain of us seeing each other and it's either a trust issue or fear of even mentioning my name.

 

Either way, it isn't recovery - It's prioritizing.

 

On the flip of that - It doesn't change that he made the choice as did she.... but certainly doesn't restore my faith in love, just reinforces the need to succeed and the need to martyr.

 

Jeanie - It does get a little better and for me NC was no different than the LC we now have. I miss him, I still have outbursts of emotions and tears. Last night I was driving and just feel a part... I so much wanted to call him and say " How?" " How do you get through this - How do we do this?"

 

I didn't and our LC has remained exactly that--- nothing heavy or relationship oriented...... but it was tough. Those outbursts are less and less, and they don't go for days on end anymore.....

 

So thier is some relief, but you are right - It is a hell of a long road.

 

HUGS!!!!!

[Susmay]

...

And just as many BS here to prove that many stay for the family/obligations etc...

 

.

 

Where are these "many BS here" (on Loveshack I presume) that prove that many MM stay because of family obligations even though they love their OW more than their wives?

 

Reading this and the Infidelity forum, my observation is that most BSs are attesting to the fact that their husbands stay with them because they believe they can rebuild/recover the love.

 

Your evidence please?

[ForumFool]

"FYI- as to the med school thing, seriously, when someone keeps avoiding a topic, stop pressuring. Things got stressful for me this year. A good friend of mine died and I couldnt get my head into the exam so I decided to wait to take it until Jan. Please dont ask me about why I havent applied yet anymore, Ive addressed this like three times already and have now told you another reason I was stressed. Enough?"

 

OK enough ...I am thinking this was posted to me unlike the rest of your post to another poster you quoted..On the net it would be much better to just say something like I would rather not discuss that on the site or at all...rather than just ignore a question. Reason being is people tend to think one didn't see the question ..thus it would be asked over and over because we didn't know you saw the question. I am sad to hear that about med school though as I recall you did say it was the only thing you had to look forward to when he broke it off...Anyhow that is sad and I am so very sorry you lost yet another dream..If you failed it you can take it again when you are in a better spot.

 

Jumping a tad ...I really don't see anyone saying he didn't care about you at all....and am now wondering if YOU feel he didn't/doesn't. I don't expect an answer to that because I am not sure you know the answer..but you keep saying things like you are not vindictive or this or that.....and nobody suggested nor said you were...at least not that I saw...ANYHOW I hope your days get better.

[KismetGirl]

"FYI- as to the med school thing, seriously, when someone keeps avoiding a topic, stop pressuring. Things got stressful for me this year. A good friend of mine died and I couldnt get my head into the exam so I decided to wait to take it until Jan. Please dont ask me about why I havent applied yet anymore, Ive addressed this like three times already and have now told you another reason I was stressed. Enough?"

 

OK enough ...I am thinking this was posted to me unlike the rest of your post to another poster you quoted..On the net it would be much better to just say something like I would rather not discuss that on the site or at all...rather than just ignore a question. Reason being is people tend to think one didn't see the question ..thus it would be asked over and over because we didn't know you saw the question. I am sad to hear that about med school though as I recall you did say it was the only thing you had to look forward to when he broke it off...Anyhow that is sad and I am so very sorry you lost yet another dream..If you failed it you can take it again when you are in a better spot.

 

Jumping a tad ...I really don't see anyone saying he didn't care about you at all....and am now wondering if YOU feel he didn't/doesn't. I don't expect an answer to that because I am not sure you know the answer..but you keep saying things like you are not vindictive or this or that.....and nobody suggested nor said you were...at least not that I saw...ANYHOW I hope your days get better.

 

I have nothing to say to you anymore, I really don't.

[boldjack]

KG, it's good to have you back, and I want you to know that I'm damn proud of you, for sticking to your NC. You are one of the positive stories here on LS , so pay no attention to the rude comments. Keep us posted on your progress. Good Luck, Sweetie!!

[ForumFool]

I have nothing to say to you anymore, I really don't.

 

 

That is OK I may have accidently hit a sore spot..not my intent to let the cat out of the bag ..in any case my best to you.

[sb129]

KG- I for one think you have made some pretty good progress in the right direction.

 

The phone calls may be minor setbacks, but hey- you are still maintaining NC and focusing on your education.

 

Well done, and keep it up.

[summerautumn]

Dear KG,

 

I am really not going to get 50 posts on here in order to get pm privileges so here is the info on the book for you. It is the best personality typing I've found, better than Myers Briggs! Depending on where you read info, they have different titles, but I find that for the 4 type "the Romantic" is a really good description. Another description is the Individualist. In the book Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso I read stuff that I just blew me away. Like my whole pattern of having a crisis early in relationships, when I ask myself "is this it"? We 4s, having a strong fantasy in our heads, really have difficulty with plain reality. I also totally empathize with you on having difficulties with finding interest in new guys. Until you are wrapped in the fantasy and memories of what was, "real" guys will always pale in comparison.

 

I wanted to share all this with you and tell you that you can transcend those tendencies! I had a relationship after the A where I got exactly what I wanted romantically. And guess what, it woke me up to how it is not what I want anyway! I just want to be real!

 

And here is what I found on a website. The never really satisfied part jumps out at me. Wouldn't an A fit that scenario perfectly?

 

Good luck to you, Kismet Girl!

 

What others APPRECIATE in Type 4

- Sensitivity

- Aesthetic appreciation

- Deep interest in their own and others' feelings about things

- High degree of authenticity

- Contemplative.

 

What others find DIFFICULT in Type 4

- Wants to be different from everyone else

- Moody

- Unrealistic; wants the inaccessible

- Never really satisfied

- Overly emotional.

 

Under pressure or stress: Shift to 2

Type 4 moves to 2 when under pressure or feeling stress.

Some of Type 2 characteristics that may then become apparent are:

- Attention diverted to others; less in contact with his own feelings;

- Minimizes his own originality and authenticity in order to win more approval.

[KismetGirl]

Dear KG,

 

I am really not going to get 50 posts on here in order to get pm privileges so here is the info on the book for you. It is the best personality typing I've found, better than Myers Briggs! Depending on where you read info, they have different titles, but I find that for the 4 type "the Romantic" is a really good description. Another description is the Individualist. In the book Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso I read stuff that I just blew me away. Like my whole pattern of having a crisis early in relationships, when I ask myself "is this it"? We 4s, having a strong fantasy in our heads, really have difficulty with plain reality. I also totally empathize with you on having difficulties with finding interest in new guys. Until you are wrapped in the fantasy and memories of what was, "real" guys will always pale in comparison.

 

I wanted to share all this with you and tell you that you can transcend those tendencies! I had a relationship after the A where I got exactly what I wanted romantically. And guess what, it woke me up to how it is not what I want anyway! I just want to be real!

 

And here is what I found on a website. The never really satisfied part jumps out at me. Wouldn't an A fit that scenario perfectly?

 

Good luck to you, Kismet Girl!

 

What others APPRECIATE in Type 4

- Sensitivity

- Aesthetic appreciation

- Deep interest in their own and others' feelings about things

- High degree of authenticity

- Contemplative.

 

What others find DIFFICULT in Type 4

- Wants to be different from everyone else

- Moody

- Unrealistic; wants the inaccessible

- Never really satisfied

- Overly emotional.

 

Under pressure or stress: Shift to 2

Type 4 moves to 2 when under pressure or feeling stress.

Some of Type 2 characteristics that may then become apparent are:

- Attention diverted to others; less in contact with his own feelings;

- Minimizes his own originality and authenticity in order to win more approval.

 

Thanks for the info....from what you put its probably a fairly accurate description of many of my tendencies , but I like to think my personality is not totally encompassed by one thing :-) But I am the overly "hopeless romantic" type, alot of the time. I think that is fairly evident from the way I write on here much of the time, as I have a habit of mentally replaying alot in my head when Im talking about it and I just tend to type out whatever is going through my mind. I don't have much reason to censor anything I say on here, I suppose.

 

I think my biggest problem in all this is mentally getting myself away from, for lack of better words, my entire 'attraction' to MM. I try to focus on his downfalls (infidelity aside)-- his complete inability to discuss emotional things easily, his selfishness on many occasions, etc etc, but somehow his "good" qualities constantly outweigh everything else. I still crave him (or the feelings he used to give me.....same difference.) At dinner tonight with some old co workers, we were discussing dating, etc, and I mentioned I've been out on a few dates lately and never seem to be attracted wholly to anyone, and they ask me "well, what kind of guy do you want?" and I start rattling off qualities and I find myself describing MM...again. And truly, he's far from perfect (no human being is) but he was just...perfect in many ways. Logically I've always known from day one that because of him being married this would never go anywhere, but someone I still can't stop wondering what it might have been like. Yes, sometimes people leave their wives and kids for the OW, but really that's not very often and frankly if someone is really a good person and a good father, that is not a decision that will come easily, and generally it will not come at all. The prospect of leaving his way of life and children is just too much to bear for most people, I think, unless his home life is really so miserable, and that wasn't the case here. He was never miserable...he's just not perfectly happy, and there's a difference. His looks, his laugh, his intelligence, his particular sense of humour, the way he touched me, his sense of style, the music he liked and the things he liked to do...every thing or detail down to his height and accent checked off my list of "ideal qualities" in a person. Again, he was far from perfect, but my 'ideal' man isn't perfection because that doesnt exist. The biggest thing to bother me about him (aside from the whole married thing, which isnt a personality flaw exactly) was his hesitation to discuss emotional topics, which frankly I find to be prevalent among Englishmen (no insult meant here....but just saying I've dated alot of Brits and they all seem to have similiar emotional issues in discussing such things. Maybe its a cultural thing. They were all very affectionate, strangely, but actually verbalizing their feelings seemed to be like a whole other story). But after knowing him a long time he started to improve in that area, and I think the only reason the both of us werent always honest about our feelings was because we didnt think we were allowed to be. It wasn't a simple situation where you can just date and tell the person you're falling for them because secretly we both knew he couldnt leave his wife and kids and I never asked him to. he's not the only person I've ever been attracted of course, but he's only one of two in my life that's ever made my heart skip the way he has. The other one moved to London for work and distance killed that relationship. I'd like to think positively in that since I was able to feel this way about more than one person before, that surely I'll find it again, but sometimes I feel skeptical abou the concept.

 

I've managed to physically stay away from him, but mentally I feel that even though I've made significant progress (every other time we broke up Ive relented within a month or two for the most part, and its now been six months since Ive seen him), in other ways I feel very stunted. It's almost helpless, this feeling. Like I have no control over my feelings, which I guess I don't, and I'm the type of persona who is immensely frustrated when I feel like I haven't got total control over something. And I suppose you can't control your thoughts, even though I try, but I just can't seem to forget him. I want more than anything to just forget about him and I can't, and I know it prevents me from being able to truly fall for someone else. I hate it so much but I don't know what to do sometimes. *sigh* So you know, I keep doing what Im doing, and I know Im doing the right thing right now, but mentally I still feel a little imprisoned by him, even though physically Im free, more or less.

 

Today I went out to dinner with some old co-workers from my prior job, the one I had when I worked with MM, and they all know him so he came up in conversation quite a few times (not having to do with me, just in general, you know, old coworkers telling old war stories from our prior job together). Everytime someone mentioned his name I felt like my chest just got tighter. One of them knew about our affair so she tried not to bring him up but he was our boss, after all, so when talking about work he just came up. For some odd, coincidental reason, when I told one of the girls to feel free to pick the restaurant, she picked the one restaurant that he had taken me to the day after the first time we kissed. Even though I had a good time talking with them, I couldn't help but glance longingly at the booth I remembered us sitting at, remembering how the A all started so long ago. It made me melancholy and I just want those feelings to go away. Its almost dizzying sometimes.

 

I guess I should be proud of myself for physically maintaining NC, but I just wish I knew how long it would take until my brain/mind/thoughts would follow along with it. Physical and Mental NC are apparently two seperate things entirely.

 

I don't know what the hell Im talking about anymore....just rambling I guess, thinking out loud. Thanks for listening.

[summerautumn]

I've managed to physically stay away from him, but mentally I feel that even though I've made significant progress (every other time we broke up Ive relented within a month or two for the most part, and its now been six months since Ive seen him), in other ways I feel very stunted. It's almost helpless, this feeling. Like I have no control over my feelings, which I guess I don't, and I'm the type of persona who is immensely frustrated when I feel like I haven't got total control over something. And I suppose you can't control your thoughts, even though I try, but I just can't seem to forget him. I want more than anything to just forget about him and I can't, and I know it prevents me from being able to truly fall for someone else. I hate it so much but I don't know what to do sometimes. *sigh* So you know, I keep doing what Im doing, and I know Im doing the right thing right now, but mentally I still feel a little imprisoned by him, even though physically Im free, more or less.

 

 

KismetGirl,

 

I feel compelled to write you and offer you a very different (maybe even radical) standpoint and feel intuitively that it may be helpful.

 

What if you would imagine that this whole experience is Exactly what you needed for your spiritual experience? What if you could imagine that on some level you actually chose all this, exactly as it happened? No coincidences.. Why would you do such a thing to yourself, you ask?

 

I am not familiar with your story in detail, but you strike me as a person that follows signs from the Universe, and believes in the power of the Universe. You asked in a previous post why the Universe would mess with you like that? I am proposing that it is not. Something about this whole experience is here to teach you a very important thing. I am even saying take it one step further and imagine that it is You who picked it. The man to me is clearly someone you've known from before, that's why the connection, that powerful connection is so present. You are fighting it and have been fighting it and are wondering why is it so strong. Maybe because it is helping you be a better human being, heal aspects of yourself from the past. As such, this connection can be actually very beneficial.

 

So what if you look at your mental connection (and more importantly spiritual connection) to this man as a given, and as something that just is, and doesn't have to be more than that? What if you accept on a deep level that you are soul friends and are here to help each other (granted, through a harsh lesson, but maybe you weren't listening to softer ones before)? And what if this relationship is bigger than you, and it doesn't end just because you don't see them.

 

I know those are a lot of what ifs. But maybe entertain it for a bit?

[KismetGirl]

KismetGirl,

 

I feel compelled to write you and offer you a very different (maybe even radical) standpoint and feel intuitively that it may be helpful.

 

What if you would imagine that this whole experience is Exactly what you needed for your spiritual experience? What if you could imagine that on some level you actually chose all this, exactly as it happened? No coincidences.. Why would you do such a thing to yourself, you ask?

 

I am not familiar with your story in detail, but you strike me as a person that follows signs from the Universe, and believes in the power of the Universe. You asked in a previous post why the Universe would mess with you like that? I am proposing that it is not. Something about this whole experience is here to teach you a very important thing. I am even saying take it one step further and imagine that it is You who picked it. The man to me is clearly someone you've known from before, that's why the connection, that powerful connection is so present. You are fighting it and have been fighting it and are wondering why is it so strong. Maybe because it is helping you be a better human being, heal aspects of yourself from the past. As such, this connection can be actually very beneficial.

 

So what if you look at your mental connection (and more importantly spiritual connection) to this man as a given, and as something that just is, and doesn't have to be more than that? What if you accept on a deep level that you are soul friends and are here to help each other (granted, through a harsh lesson, but maybe you weren't listening to softer ones before)? And what if this relationship is bigger than you, and it doesn't end just because you don't see them.

 

I know those are a lot of what ifs. But maybe entertain it for a bit?

 

 

No, what you say makes alot of sense, in one way or another. Some people call it fate, some god, some the universe, what have you....all similiar concepts with a similiar outlook, the end result being, you should just take all experiences as they are and assume they have some purpose in the grand scale of what becomes life. I have no idea what MM is doing right now....if he's happy or sad, if his marriage is better or worse due to this event, and I suppose it shouldnt matter.

 

Everything is a learning experience, and I have to say this has been for me, but at the moment its more negative. I've become much more emotionally guarded and hesitant about relationships....this could be good, but it seems a tad unlike "me".

 

In good news, though, I met someone recently and for the first time in I don't even know how long, I feel like I am attracted to someone new. Weird huh? I don't want to jinx it, and its all new, but I had a sort of on-the-spur-of-the-moment date/drink with someone I had spoken with briefly a couple months ago but never actually went out with. I took his canceling on me the first time as disinterest, but then he emailed me again and asked for another chance and it was late one night that I said to him, ok, if you feel like meeting me for a drink tonight be my guest, but you have to come to my neck of the woods. And he did. And we ended up talking in the bar till 4 in the morning, and then going to his flat and talking for another two hours. Ok, it wasn't all talking, there were a few kisses in there, but he kissed me first ;-P and it didnt get further than that. Then we hung out again the next night, again till nearly 6 in the morning! He wanted me to spend the night, but I have a thing about sleeping over new guy's houses....dunno, can't explain it but I need to get to know them better.

 

Anyway, what is surprising to me is how much I really want to see him again. I haven't felt that way in AGES about anyone but MM. That spark when you connect with someone physically and mentally. He's very new, of course, and who knows, he may decide next week he doesn't care for me at all (let's hope that's not the case) but it's giving me hope that I am in fact able to really like someone else. Someone who is (gasp!) single, and normal, and without major baggage! He's a couple years younger than me, so he's got that "young" thing going on sometimes, but maybe that would be refreshing change of pace for once eh?

 

Who knows. All I know is that I had a great weekend, and for the first time in months I was smiling for the majority of the last 5 days. I hope we keep seeing each other. How exciting....to like someone new! I've barely thought about MM these last 5 days at all. Granted, he's still crossed my mind. He probably will for a while longer, maybe forever, but I can't express how thrilled I was to be hanging out with this new guy two nights in a row and looking at him, and thinking, wow, I actually think you're really cute AND funny AND intelligent AND you've never been married and have no kids. THANK EFF!

[Jacky]

Good going Kismet girl, I followed your story from before. I suppose is a relive when you found someone that you are attracted to which will help you to move on.

 

I am glad it worked out for you. Currently I am contemplating NC coz my situation is not going anywhere and MW doesn't want to leave the M. Is very good to see that you have came out of the situation quite well

[Athena]

I wonder if it's just a coincidence that you were mentally able to find this young guy interesting and potential date material only AFTER you ended the A with your MM?

 

Because if it is almost impossible for an OW to 'move on' to open her heart to someone new as long as there is the MM on the side, open and available to her, perhaps it is something that the OW on this site need to hear about! That they WILL open their hearts IF they get rid of the MM first!

Makes sense to me -- how can you be able to give love a chance with someone else, when you are totally committed to the MM?!

 

Good for you, Kismet, I hope you have a good time with this new guy.

[summerautumn]

Kismet girl, that's so very awesome to hear! Seriously, when I read your post, I was all smiles. I know how big deal this is, and am happy that you have shifted your emotional and mental focus in such a huge way! I can relate to not having the same interest in others and (in my case) keeping walls up. When there is an attraction with a new person, it is very encouraging. Keep me posted, will you? By now you probably already have news.

 

For me, I am not quite there in finding someone that I am fully attracted to, but I am going out on dates and most importantly, I am seeing things in a different perspective. Have you heard of the Work and Sedona method? They are techniques for changing our perception of reality, and while I don't fully subscribe to the ideas, I find them helpful. It helps a lot in taking the self-delusion out. I find that the romanticism is still present in me, but at least I don't take that as the absolute reality anymore.

 

Yeah, I wish I had pm so we could email, but this works too. Keep shifting, I am happy for you!

[KismetGirl]

Kismet girl, that's so very awesome to hear! Seriously, when I read your post, I was all smiles. I know how big deal this is, and am happy that you have shifted your emotional and mental focus in such a huge way! I can relate to not having the same interest in others and (in my case) keeping walls up. When there is an attraction with a new person, it is very encouraging. Keep me posted, will you? By now you probably already have news.

 

For me, I am not quite there in finding someone that I am fully attracted to, but I am going out on dates and most importantly, I am seeing things in a different perspective. Have you heard of the Work and Sedona method? They are techniques for changing our perception of reality, and while I don't fully subscribe to the ideas, I find them helpful. It helps a lot in taking the self-delusion out. I find that the romanticism is still present in me, but at least I don't take that as the absolute reality anymore.

 

Yeah, I wish I had pm so we could email, but this works too. Keep shifting, I am happy for you!

 

 

Hey!

 

Yes its helpful to see Im even capable of being attracted to someone new. Im not sure its going to work out, as he's been a little frustrating and weird with calling me back after the last date we had, this new guy, but I think what I should focus on is the fact that I was actually able to spend time with someone new and legitmately enjoy every minute of it and not think of MM at all for the first time in 6 months while Im with someone else. Normally it would be "oh he's not as smart/funny/cute/etc as MM..." but when I hung out with this new guy recently it was nice.

 

Anyway, like I said, its been disapointing in some ways as Im not sure he's got any potential, and it bummed me out that I thought maybe I was just making a bad choice in man again, but you know what, whatever. A couple people gave some good advice, which essentially was to just enjoy it for what it was and realize I am capable of liking other people and hopefully being able to love someone new again. Hey....one step at a time, right? I hope you are doing well. I know how hard it is to keep going sometimes in these situations, let alone starting tthem.

[KismetGirl]

I wonder if it's just a coincidence that you were mentally able to find this young guy interesting and potential date material only AFTER you ended the A with your MM?

 

Because if it is almost impossible for an OW to 'move on' to open her heart to someone new as long as there is the MM on the side, open and available to her, perhaps it is something that the OW on this site need to hear about! That they WILL open their hearts IF they get rid of the MM first!

Makes sense to me -- how can you be able to give love a chance with someone else, when you are totally committed to the MM?!

 

Good for you, Kismet, I hope you have a good time with this new guy.

 

 

Athena,

 

tis a possibility I guess....I think it's just a rarity Im ever attracted to anyone altogether to be honest. Not that this guy will work out, he likely won't, but its encouraging to know that I can actually open up to that idea again without absolutely comparing every detail of these guys with MM....I still do sometimes of course, but little by little it gets mildly easier. I still think about him, but, ya know, I think its a start, even if it doesnt work out, its mentally a start, I think.