Tired of my GF's drinking problem

[Tired]

My GF and I have been together for four years. Not long after I met her, I discovered that she liked to drink more than I did. At first, it was OK-- it was pretty much just social drinking, although she did get tipsy on a couple of occasions during the first few months. But over the past couple of years, the problem has gotten worse-- much worse. Now, she drinks regularly-- usually every day, and she gets wasted on average twice a week, sometimes 3-4 times a week. Whenever we go out with her friends or visit her family, it is guaranteed that she'll get s***-faced drunk. Whenever she starts drinking, she won't stop until she's bombed. If she were a quiet drunk, I might be able to handle that, but it gets worse. When she's drunk, she starts talking trash about me to whoever is there, even if I'm right there as well. She'll bit** about mistakes I made years ago, and why I haven't married her. (Side note: we've had some serious trust issues for a long time that have never been fully resolved, and I've told her that I can't marry her until they are, so she constantly berates me for that because it's supposedly all my fault and that I should accept her insecurities no matter what.) Then, when we're alone on the way home or after we get home, she starts insulting and criticizing me directly or calling her friends and continuing her bashing of me, and if I do anything that she doesn't like, she gets combative (fortunately just verbally) and just downright mean. I then have to put up with this so I can make sure she gets someplace where she can pass-out safely. Then I usually go sleep in another room, waking-up periodically to make sure she's OK. I can't tell you how much sleep I've lost babysitting her when she's been passed-out.

 

On top of all this, I usually pick-up the tab for her boozing, and although it's not breaking my bank yet, I do have to shuffle around other expenses to cover the costs her habit.

 

I am really tired of this cycle, and now this issue has overtaken the trust issue as the most damaging aspect of our relationship IMO. However, I can't even talk to her about it. I've broached the subject a few times in the past, and now whenever I even hint at it (which, because she's so hypersensitive about it, can be something as simple as a slightly disapproving look when she wants her umteenth drink of the night), she says that I'm giving her a conscience or guilt-trip about it. I told her about eight months ago that I would try to work with here through the trust issues if she would cut back on her drinking, and I specifically said that the excessive drinking was a "deal breaker". She did stop drinking for a couple of weeks, but then slipped right back into her habits.

 

I'm on the verge of breaking it off with her just because of this. I'm at the point now where I'm so tired, I really don't even want to work on this relationship, even if she stopped drinking entirely starting today. I do love her very much, but I just can't deal with this much longer, especially with the holidays approaching.

 

Should I leave her? Am I selfish for wanting to break-up with her?

[SoleMate]

Am I selfish for wanting to break-up with her?

 

I'm amazed that you've stuck it out as long as you have. You're not selfish for wanting to protect yourself first. If you stay with her, your only ethical choice is to devote yourself to curing her of her problem, which could take a long time or perhaps will never happen (if she doesn't want to get fixed).

 

Your girlfriend is an alcoholic. Pretty far down the road, too, based on your descriptions. Alcoholism is a serious dysfunction, which, as I'm sure you now, can destroy bank balances, peace of mind, dignity, relationships, marriages, families, and lives.

 

The only reason to stay with her would be if you have ties that are so profound that breaking them would be even worse than living with an alcoholic - like if you were married, with kids, financially interdependent, AND the woman involved agreed she had a problem and started working on it SERIOUSLY. Then I would advise staying.

 

But you...you're free! No need to fix this seriously troubled woman. I understand you love her, but perhaps after you've left her and you experience life without alcoholism, you'll wonder why you put up with it for so long. Perhaps you'll find a woman who doesn't suck your wallet dry, embarass you in front of family and friends, and pass out instead of having a life with you.

 

Last point...you're actually making it EASIER for her to ignore her problem. Right now, it's not really hurting her to drink like she does. Your leaving may actually be the wakeup call she needs.

 

Good luck and be strong!

[BadMan]

Definitley dump her. It's best for the both of you.

[Tired]

Thanks for those replies. I know deep down that you're right, but it's hard to split up, even given the situation. I just hope I can muster the strength to do it-- and soon.

[yogi-mon]

its because of the drinking.

 

Otherwise, she wont know why, and she may not get out of it till its too late.

Obviously you still care for her, so why not send her a clear message which

tells her what you think.

 

Also, it depends on her age. If she is 20-25, that may actually be normal.

But if she is in her late 20s, or 30s, its a BIG warning sign.

 

Alot of young people drink because they "are still partying"

[Arabess]

As a single man....you have to also think about finding a person you may want to be the mother of your children. Someone with a severe drinking habit isn't much of a candidate.

 

Four years is quite a long investment into the relationship though.....if you really do love her and want to be helpful.....perhaps joining AA together and working together on this as a team would help. Alot of it will have to do with how SHE feels about her drinking. How much is too much.....has got to be a call someone makes for themselves.

 

 

Good Luck Sole......I know this is a tough issue for ANY couple to have to face.

[Sunrain]

I think you ought to tell her everything you said in your post and get it off your chest to her. She may be very sensitive but I think she should know exactly how she is effecting you. I know you have said some things but I would tell her everything. It is up to you what you really want or need to do. Maybe going to a counselor could help you to deal with what it is doing to you. There is also Al-Anon for the friends and family of people who have drinking problems. Sounds like she definitely needs help, too, and I know you have tried. Until she makes up her mind to either cut down drastically (if she can) or quit you really cannot make her stop. She has to commit to it. I don't know what else to say but the others who posted had good ideas about it. Best of luck with her and whatever you decide to do. I feel bad for you.