Romeo Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Hi, Long story short, my girlfriend is in Japan and I am in Canada. we've been separated for almost 3months now. We kept close contact throughout. And she is coming over for a two week stay this coming holiday, which is great! We both look forward to the reunion day. But in spite of our effort, we both know that we are facing some tough choices. I graduated from University last December and am working right now. and she is going to graduate in one year. Here is the problem we've been discussing for a long time now, and it's very exhausting. We couldn't make up our mind as where and when we would be together again, and how much it's going to affect our career goals. There are two choices for us, The first one is I will go over to Japan and stay with her next year(after I saved up enough money). Also since I am a Canadian, I can apply for working holiday visa, so I can work while in Japan too. The problem with the first choice is that I will not be able to find a job as good as the one I have right now(she told me that foreigners in my line(software engineer) could probably make $2000CND in japan), so she doesn't think it's a good idea for me. The second choice is that she came over right after she graduated from school. Then she would do some skill-upgrade here and we will settle in Canada. I don't like this idea since we will not be able to stay together for another year. I cannot stand that anymore. Living like this is no fun. And I told her I don't mind if I only make $10 a hour in Japan, as long as we could be together. But then she said if I go to Japan next year, she would go look for a job and work in Japan for a few years. I don't know why she always tries to plan for the long term. I told her that I would wait until she graduate and then we decide where we would go from there. But she always make up long-run plans, which I cannot understand since we both know we are international couple, we should be as mobile as possible before settling down for good. We are really tired of discussing this problem now. I just want to know if this has anything to do with her culture? I know Japan is a very energetic nation. Everyone works hard there. For me, I don't care what kind of job I will have in the next few years. As long as I am happy, I am content. um. I mean we are still young, we should take it easy and enjoy life. So you see the difference in our thinking now... Comment, experience, or your own problems, I am willing to listen to anything you've got to say. Thank you very much for reading this. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted November 26, 2003 Share Posted November 26, 2003 Yes the cultural difference to the work ethic may be exagerating your problem. From your assessment it seems you are prepared to make sacrifices so that you can be together now but she is only prepared to accept this if she stays in Japan for longer than she would have if you didn't go there. Have I got that right? This seems odd. I suspect there may be two factors - the cultural issue (it may not just be the money it may be status too) and an unwillingness to compromise on her part. You say you have discussed it a lot but have you asked her what it is about neither of you being in a good job that makes her feel so unsettled? Have you been with her in Japan before? Do her friends/family know about the relationship? The answers to these questions may indicate other reasons for her behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romeo Posted November 27, 2003 Author Share Posted November 27, 2003 yeah, yeah, yeah, you are right. she did meantion a while ago that she wants her parents to accept me and ask me don't come to Japan as english teacher. she came from a really conservative family. Her parents do not even allow her to date while she is still in school. I am the first person she even told her parents about. And she told me that her parents' reaction was not very good. oh man, what should i do? obviously I am not that kind of person who can make millions, but I don't think she would starve if she is with me, if you know what I mean. How can I convince her parents that I am a good guy? Impossible. I only speak fundamental japanese too! This is a bigger problem now. Link to post Share on other sites
just_bella Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 HI there, Your situation I can relate too. I am from a very conservative asian family. My folks didn't want me to date while I was in college. But I did anyways. I never mention it to them, becuz they didn't want me to mess up my education. So after school, I finally introduce them to my bf of 2.5 yrs. They didn't mind I had a boyfriend. Strange! They actually approve since he had a good head on his shoulders & was attending medical school. So the status of his future helped ease into my folks' hearts. They quickly warmed upto him becuz he seem to be heading somewhere in his life. The irony in the story, we both did what was best for our career goals. He is still in med school & I am in grad school. We recently split due to the long distance. If I could change anything I would like to be more closer ...geographically. Link to post Share on other sites
DJ-TK Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 Well, I would say they with all d respect to her parents, they are the ones who gotta understand some things... I understand she is still her daughter and bla bla bla, but she gotta tell them that its her her life... After all, you both with head on your shoulders and its not like she is telling them she quits college or whatever.. I don't know what her opinion of you come there for a year and then you'll decide what to do, but if its her parents she is afraid of, she gotta tell them that they have to accept her decision... I am completely understand you man, I'm in college now and would do anything to be with my girl which is 6000 miles apart... I would give up a good work to be with her because it makes me happy... and as long as it doesn't that affect on your career goal, you'd rather hold your career for a year and be with her - be happy. I think you should first, find out what she thinks and wants completely regardless to her parents and then decide where you are headed for and what she's gonna do with her parents.... Long term plans in this age is good, no doubt, but if you both have this complicated situation, you better do one thing at a time and it seems like it wouldn't hurt anyone (except her parents) or ruin any career goals... The only thing it would do is to make you both happier... much happier.... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 I would be wary of putting her in the position where she feels torn between everything that defines her identity (culture, family etc.) and you. Whichever she chooses she will be unhappy. I guess what you need to do is a sort of risk assessment of the options in terms of potential damage to the relationship. This may sound cold hearted but you need to take some of the emotion out of it and decide logically what the best step is. You want to be together but the relationship stands a better chance if her family accepts you and that is much more likely if you have a job (not necessarily mega bucks but not penniless in Japan either). But are the risks of the relationship failing greater if you are not together all the time immediately? You both need to talk about how you feel, why, how strongly you feel it and accept each other's "bottom line" as to what you can tolerate. Don't underestimate how much easier your girlfriend will find it to set up house with you in Canada, away from all the judgements Compromise options may be applying for jobs in Japan whilst on holiday there or doing a series of temp jobs in Canada with long visits to Japan in between. English teachers have high status in many countries and the qualification to teach English abroad is widely available, relatively cheap and can be done as a crash course.. I know people from families where cross cultural relationships are very heavily disapproved of. Despite this these relationships have usually been accepted in the long run and I'm sure yours will too - you just need to give it time and space to grow in an environment which is not too pressured. Your girlfriend will have been well aware of her parents views before she told them so she would probably settle for less than total acceptance. Given the cultural dimension, however, she would find ex-communication hard to bear. You need to trust her judgement on getting the balance right. I'm sure you will find the solution that's best for you both. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Romeo Posted November 28, 2003 Author Share Posted November 28, 2003 Thanks for the replies. I feel better now. I guess we(I) felt powerless since we(I) couldn't do anything right now. Long distance is really hard. But I guess we just have to keep working on its. Btw, what kind of gift is best for long distance? I sent her something on our anniversary and she is not very happy about it. First time complained about something I bought for her!!! Man, am I not nervous. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
DJ-TK Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 If you'd also put in whatever gift a long letter (yes.. hand written... It's much more personal) it might be a good idea.... I don't think there is difference from LDR gifts than in a normal relationship (except the shipping of course...)... Maybe you can get her something special that she wants and can't get in Japan or something.... Link to post Share on other sites
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