I get stood up all the time and I don't know why

[PlumPrincess]

I have a problem with people that I don't really understand. I get stood up all the time. I'm less complaining about cases where I tried to initiate something and the other stood me up, because they actually had problems with declining my suggestion, but in the end just didn't hang out with me and therefore had to make up an excuse. I'm more confused about the cases where people approach me, ask me if we can meet, tell me they will be in town, etc. and then in the last minute change their plans.

 

*A friend of mine who lives about 4 hours away once called me and told me that he would be in town for some business. I said, ok, let's meet. The day came closer and he didn't mentioned it, so I send him a text message and he said he wasn't coming. A month later, same story, we arranged to meet in the evening, but hadn't set an hour. Again I contact him and he had changed his mind again and we met quickly for half an hour. A couple of weeks ago he called me again and asked if he and another friend of us could stay over at my place. I said, ok. They said they would arrive on Thursday night, it was Monday, and I asked them if they wanted to go salsa dancing with me on Friday (there's a shortage of men) and they said, yeah, why not. They arrived and my friend told me he had changed his plan and was leaving the next day. Then they suggested that we go and have brunch in the morning. Again, they came home two hours late, because they business meeting took longer and decided to leave. Without brunch.

 

* It's my birthday. I send out an invitation. Another friend who lives four hours away accepts the invitation. I'm surprised, because it's four hours and while he is not lazy, he likes things to be comfortable. And of course, on my birthday in the morning he sends me an email and says his plans didn't work out. I'm not surprised, but well, I really started wondering if this is normal or if I had some kind of personality that attracts flakes?

 

*A guy I had met recently during a hiking trip recently contacted me and asked about salsa - when, where, who - because I had tried to convince him and the other guys in the group to go salsa dancing, because there is a shortage of men. He said he didn't feel confident enough, because he had forgotten everything, but was interested in the free class on Friday. So, I gave him all the information about the different dates again and just said that I wasn't sure about going to the salsa event on another day and that I would decide spontaneously. I also added that I would not mind joining him though on Friday if he wanted to go. He wrote a quite indecisive message back, that he might do this and that, but had to reconsider, etc. Basically he also didn't want to commit now and also wanted make it a spontaneous decision on Friday. He then concluded his message with, "Anyway I'll see, and if you have a good idea let me know, I might be in the mood for it ." So he turns me down, doesn't come up with another suggestion and then tells me to keep up running after him??? I felt bugged, because it made me wonder if I looked so needy and weak that I would do that? Do people think I'm such a fool that they play these stupid games with me?

 

I have things like these happening to me all the time. I try not to let it get to me and shrug it off as natural human unreliability. I used to get upset about many things and now I just tell myself that I need to relax, I make a mental note to myself not to commit to anything with them, but still, at a certain point I think it's ridiculous. I'm a reliable and responsible person. I don't really like committing to things, because if I commit to something, I'll stick to it, because I hate letting people down. I think many people would consider me to be a quite strict and blunt person, so it's not like I'm a flake and therefore attract all these other wussies.

 

Me questions are:

Is there a certain personality type these wussies are attracted to?

Should I stop taking it personal and thinking that this is a unique experience, because these dolts do not discriminate and act like that with everybody?

[carhill]

My advice would be to find friends closer to you in proximity as well as to dismiss without prejudice those who you find incompatible with your philosophies of life. If you're a reliable and conscientious person, don't waste your time with those who are not. If you're open and loving, avoid those who are closed and distant. It's about compatibility.

 

Believe it or not, those 'wussies' and 'dolts' work out friendships and relationships just fine with like-minded people. They just speak a different language than you. You don't have to be bi-lingual.

 

Enjoy the dancing

[PlumPrincess]

My advice would be to find friends closer to you in proximity as well as to dismiss without prejudice those who you find incompatible with your philosophies of life. If you're a reliable and conscientious person, don't waste your time with those who are not. If you're open and loving, avoid those who are closed and distant. It's about compatibility.

 

Believe it or not, those 'wussies' and 'dolts' work out friendships and relationships just fine with like-minded people. They just speak a different language than you. You don't have to be bi-lingual.

 

Enjoy the dancing

Thanks for your reply! Well, I do stay away from them, but it is definitely annoying when someone approaches you and then lets you down. I don't take rejections well and unless I have the feeling that someone wants to be friends with me, I keep my distance, so this is upsetting for me. But anyway, I actually know that getting upset about these people is nothing more than a waste of time. Actually, after posting I had a talk with a friend of mine and she told me how one of our friends stood her up on New Year's Eve. He also stood me up a couple of times, so I guess, they just do it with everybody. My roommate also complained about getting stood up by friends. I guess, it's them, not us.

[carhill]

To them, there's nothing bad or odd about 'standing people up'. They just don't see human interaction in the same way you do. Big world, lots of people. Some of us can't dance

[PlumPrincess]

I still have the same problem... I don't know what's the matter with me.

 

I got stood up today for lunch. I started my new job a couple of months ago and there was this guy I met after about two weeks at a workshop. He also has a different contract like me and also was somewhat new, so a couple of days later I sent him an appointment for lunch around lunch time. He replied later that he couldn't because he had to attend a meeting at short notice. But he told me to check out his calendar and send him a new appointment. Which I did and which he also rejected. So I thought, ok, it doesn't look like you're interested and I moved on. A couple of months later, he had a meeting close to my office. He passed my desk and said we should go out for lunch together. To which I said, ok. I think he suggested that I send him another appointment, but I told him since my schedule was more flexible that he should arrange a date. That was like a month or so ago. A couple of days later, I saw him waiting for the train. We chatted a bit and he said we should meet for lunch. And I said, ok. He send me an appointment for lunch today, 12.30. Lunch time arrives, I wait till 12.45 and he doesn't show up, so I go and have lunch alone. Later one I see that someone tried to call me at 12.50 on my mobile (I didn't hear it). I checked my email and he wrote me that he had to attend a meeting at short notice. I don't know, meetings do not appear out of the blue and there must have been time enough to get my phone number and call me.

 

What did I wrong here? Really, I am not zero interested in him and I'm very sure I didn't give off any vibes. I did not pressure him at all. I also do not have to work together with him, if he wanted to ignore me, it wouldn't have affect our work at all. I didn't feel particularly angry and I'm sure I was still friendly.

 

Is it possible that someone can have such bad luck all the time with people? Or am I giving these guys weird signals that make them retreat at the last minute? I swear, I'm not flirty at all.

 

I mean, if someone asks me and I want to, but can't, then I will offer an alternative date. If I can, but don't want to, I ignore them or find a reason why I can't and hope they won't contact me anymore. This guy was the one who showed up at my desk and mentioned meeting me for lunch again. I had already moved on and didn't particularly care about it. I was zero angry.

 

Does it make people happy to stand someone up? Is it something that people who are insecure do?

Edited December 1, 2011 by PlumPrincess

[PlumPrincess]

I need help!

[twinkles]

Princess,

 

Stop asking people for dates. Let them ask you. Let someone else do the driving.

 

Go to your salsa on your own. You will meet someone there who shares that interest with you. Don't worry about of shortage of men you can make new friends there whether it's girls or guys. Sometimes the best introductions come from friends.

 

That guy who comes to town for business next time he calls don't answer...you don't need him ..he's no friend.

[PlumPrincess]

Princess,

 

Stop asking people for dates. Let them ask you. Let someone else do the driving.

 

Go to your salsa on your own. You will meet someone there who shares that interest with you. Don't worry about of shortage of men you can make new friends there whether it's girls or guys. Sometimes the best introductions come from friends.

 

That guy who comes to town for business next time he calls don't answer...you don't need him ..he's no friend.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Phateless]

Hi Plum,

 

Based on our other conversations I think it has something to do with the slightly back-and-forth way you make plans. Let's do this, or let's do that, let's make it a spontaneous decision (what does that really mean?), etc.

 

The other thing is that you're hanging out with people who are flaky or not that interested in your suggestion of salsa dancing until you persuade them into agreeing and then they later back out. Does that make sense? I've tried and failed to persuade many people to salsa or swing, most of them flaking out. Some of them later bring it back up to me on their own when they're ready and then do come out occasionally.

 

In the future, try to make the process of plan-making as short and simple as possible, just to see if you get a higher success rate. It's also easier with people who like to do the same things as you. Your salsa buddies go salsa dancing, your hiking buddies go hiking, your drinking buddies go drinking, etc.

 

I hope that makes sense.

[PlumPrincess]

Hi Plum,

 

Based on our other conversations I think it has something to do with the slightly back-and-forth way you make plans. Let's do this, or let's do that, let's make it a spontaneous decision (what does that really mean?), etc.

 

The other thing is that you're hanging out with people who are flaky or not that interested in your suggestion of salsa dancing until you persuade them into agreeing and then they later back out. Does that make sense? I've tried and failed to persuade many people to salsa or swing, most of them flaking out. Some of them later bring it back up to me on their own when they're ready and then do come out occasionally.

 

In the future, try to make the process of plan-making as short and simple as possible, just to see if you get a higher success rate. It's also easier with people who like to do the same things as you. Your salsa buddies go salsa dancing, your hiking buddies go hiking, your drinking buddies go drinking, etc.

 

I hope that makes sense.

Hm, maybe I should try to set a firm date? I guess, I could try that. It's possible that I sound too uncomitted and that's why people think I wouldn't mind.

[Phateless]

Hm, maybe I should try to set a firm date? I guess, I could try that. It's possible that I sound too uncomitted and that's why people think I wouldn't mind.

 

It could be that. It could also be as simple as letting it feel a bit too complicated to the other person so they just shy away from it.

 

Make sense?

[carhill]

OP, could you provide some more examples?

 

IME, with the bulleted examples, those people are either not real friends or they're scatter-brained/uncommitted.

 

I'll use similar examples:

1. A friend I've never met in person says he'd love to show me around town when I visit. The interest we share in common is world travel. I send him my itinerary and tell him I'll call him when I get to my hotel. I arrive and, to my surprise, find him calling my name in the arrivals hall. After a 17 hour flight, it was nice to see a friendly face. Even a doctor (that's what he is) makes time for friends.

 

I've got lots of examples like that.

 

2. Birthday. I send out invitations to my now exW's last BD that I would sponsor, her 50th, requesting RSVP. Some people send regrets, some confirm. Everyone who confirmed shows up at the restaurant on time. The free drinks certainly helped No communication other than yes or no, time and place, all a month in advance.

 

I don't think I'm that popular (I'm not) that people just love to be around me and salivate to have that experience, rather I pick people as friends with whom I find synergy, and they as well. We like spending time together and make holes in our schedules to do so.

 

Casual. My best friend has been sick this week. We were supposed to do some real estate deals but I want him 100% so haven't bothered him. I checked in this morning and got his VM but didn't leave a message since I didn't wish to bother him. I get a call while at the store and he's checking up on me since he hadn't heard from me in a couple days. If things work out for tomorrow, cool. If not, cool. We know we have each other's backs so making and keeping precise appointments isn't an accounting ledger. That said, if he needs me at the beach on such and such day at such and such time for a project, it gets said once and I show up on time without comment, weeks later. Same for him. We both have the same 'style' of responsibility and committment.

 

The suggestion for clear and firm times/dates is sound; combined with that, convey the message that you value the person and their presence. They matter. If you matter, they'll do the appropriate thing. If not, other. Be clear about *your* style.

 

Hope that helps.

[TaraMaiden]

they can do it to me once (I'm understanding...)

They can do it to me twice (Making a habit of this, aren't you....?)

but they don't get to do it a third time, and get away with it....

 

After that, I say nothing, do nothing and make no contact ever again. I drop them like a hot potato, and they drop off my radar.

 

(I'm sorry, do I know you? Oh yeah, you're mr/s unreliable! I'm sorry, I don't deal with people who think it's perfectly acceptable to mess with my time....!)

 

Are all these unreliable people, guys, or are there some girlfriends in there too?

[xpaperxcutx]

First of all, if this occurs frequently then the the problem really is you. Kind of like stayig in an unhealthy relationship- you are well aware of y

their behavior but you chose to stay anyways.

 

Relationship and friendship are one and the same youare required to have a good people picker.

 

Also the way you've been approaching others is wrong. As phate has said, make it casual not forced. The only important thing is confirmation and follow up. Always doit the day before so that if they leave u hanging, you still have time to make other plans. And can I say one thing? Once they treat you so and so way, as therapeutic as it is to come on LS to rant you also have the option of calling them out on their behavior.

 

Ps if you happen to come across someone like this again especially the ones who have a track record, don't ever suggest plans with them until they bring it up first. Andeven then have a plan B in effect.

[stillafool]

Princess,

 

Stop asking people for dates. Let them ask you. Let someone else do the driving.

 

Go to your salsa on your own. You will meet someone there who shares that interest with you. Don't worry about of shortage of men you can make new friends there whether it's girls or guys. Sometimes the best introductions come from friends.

 

That guy who comes to town for business next time he calls don't answer...you don't need him ..he's no friend.

 

I agree with this. Let them make the plans and ask you out. You didn't say whether this happens with your female friends as well. I just think you need to step back a bit and let them show you that they really want to get together with you.

[Lucky_One]

I guess I don't see any big deal with your 3 examples.

 

#1 This guy was coming strictly because of work but then his work schedule changed. He sounds like many, many men I know who don't tend to make firm plans for casual get-togethers with casual friends until it gets very close to the time of meeting - like the afternoon of. Another time you said he and a friend could crash at your place; again, they were there for work (not for pleasure) and their schedules changed. I have often cancelled lunches or drinks if a client meeting ran over or if my schedule changed because of a client emergency.

 

#2 I wouldn't have counted on a friend who lives 4 hours away to come anyway. And people's lives and schedules change, and he sent you an email to regret. No biggie.

 

#3 You sounded just as indecisive and "spontanteous" as this acquaintance did. He may have been put off by your indecisiveness, and so he responded in kind.

 

#4 The work lunch guy? He doesn't really want to have lunch with you; he just said that "oh let's do lunch" thing out of social politeness. And meetings DO come up at short notice, and he did both email and call to cancel. At work, work things come first, and casual lunches have to suffer the scheduling.

 

I don't think it is that everyone in your life is flaky or standing you up; I am guessing that you felt a flicker of possible romantic excitement about these guys, and those flickers have never turned into any sort of long-lived spark, and you are disappointed by that?

[Phateless]

OP, could you provide some more examples?

 

IME, with the bulleted examples, those people are either not real friends or they're scatter-brained/uncommitted.

 

I'll use similar examples:

1. A friend I've never met in person says he'd love to show me around town when I visit. The interest we share in common is world travel. I send him my itinerary and tell him I'll call him when I get to my hotel. I arrive and, to my surprise, find him calling my name in the arrivals hall. After a 17 hour flight, it was nice to see a friendly face. Even a doctor (that's what he is) makes time for friends.

 

I've got lots of examples like that.

 

2. Birthday. I send out invitations to my now exW's last BD that I would sponsor, her 50th, requesting RSVP. Some people send regrets, some confirm. Everyone who confirmed shows up at the restaurant on time. The free drinks certainly helped No communication other than yes or no, time and place, all a month in advance.

 

I don't think I'm that popular (I'm not) that people just love to be around me and salivate to have that experience, rather I pick people as friends with whom I find synergy, and they as well. We like spending time together and make holes in our schedules to do so.

 

Casual. My best friend has been sick this week. We were supposed to do some real estate deals but I want him 100% so haven't bothered him. I checked in this morning and got his VM but didn't leave a message since I didn't wish to bother him. I get a call while at the store and he's checking up on me since he hadn't heard from me in a couple days. If things work out for tomorrow, cool. If not, cool. We know we have each other's backs so making and keeping precise appointments isn't an accounting ledger. That said, if he needs me at the beach on such and such day at such and such time for a project, it gets said once and I show up on time without comment, weeks later. Same for him. We both have the same 'style' of responsibility and committment.

 

The suggestion for clear and firm times/dates is sound; combined with that, convey the message that you value the person and their presence. They matter. If you matter, they'll do the appropriate thing. If not, other. Be clear about *your* style.

 

Hope that helps.

 

This advice is dead-on. What works about the way Carhill suggests plans is easy for people to follow. It's clear.

 

"Hey, I'm going to salsa tomorrow night at Club X around 10pm. Interested? I'll text you tomorrow morning to check in and you can let me know if you're coming."

 

THAT'S IT. No more back and forth maybe what about this etc stuff. It's confusing.