Why isn't he asking me????

[katiekayla1]

So....long story short. Met this wonderful man in Sept.'07. I was newly divorced and wasn't looking for a relationship but he literally swept me off my feet. He became my best friend and love of my life,we are great together in every way. Three months into the relationship we picked out rings. He begged me to move in with him in Jan.'08 with my 10yr. old daughter. I gladly accepted. We are approaching our 2 YEAR anniversary that we've been together and HE STILL HASN'T PROPOSED.....NO RING!!! I finally brought it up. He said it had alot to do with money and financially affording not only the wedding but all of the household bills too(I currently recieve medical and foodstamps for me and my daughter which would be discontinued if we were married).He said our time tables were "different". He was thinking more 5yr. away(WHAT????!!!) He said marriage won't last on love alone. Which good point, I agree. However, couldn't help but feel hurt. Especially since he was so "gung ho" in the beginning of the relationship. He feels I need to help out more financially and physically at home to make it more of a 50/50 partnership before he'll marry me. I am a hairstylist at home(which is inconsistent income). So, recently I applied at a nice salon and got hired so I could help him more financially. Hopefully he sees my efforts.How long do I wait for him to ask? I'm getting fustrated. I feel like pee or get off the pot at this point.

[Thaddeus]

He isn't asking because he figures (correctly so) that he's not financially secure enough yet. And he's right, when it comes to relationships and marriage, love is never enough.

 

Sounds like he's got his head screwed on exactly right.

 

Best marriage advice I ever saw on this thread comes from a prolific poster named Trialbyfire. It reads, in part

Take your time, date around and have relationships, get your career underway, get financially secure and when you find the right person for you, do get married if that's what you want to do, but protect your assets via prenup. If your partner won't sign one, she's not the one for you. A natural filter.

I've added the emphasis.

 

Remember, men see marriage much differently than women. For a man, marriage is not primarily a love-driven arrangement, it's a social and financial contract. Love enters into it, of course, but it's not the primary driver.

 

Seriously... I say this without irony... your man really sounds like he's doing the right thing, getting the financial foundations in place before he considers marriage. Smart guy. Hang on to him. And whatever you do, DON'T DON'T DON'T push marriage. That will only drive him away.

[lovelorcet]

He sounds right on to me and you should be grateful that you have him. Get your act together if you want to keep him.

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, well my first thought is that you guys have been together 2 years. While that is a significant amount of time to be in a relationship it's not 5, 6, 7 years..

 

That being said, I understand that you don't want it to turn into that length of time. Something that Allina said that was really was really wise was that she didn't understand that why girls are in such a race to get guys to propose. I thought a lot about that and I realized that she is right. I wish I would have realized that last year..it would have saved me a whole lot of worrying and misery. My fiance even said to me after getting engaged that he didn't understand why I had been in such a hurry and doubted him. He said that was part of his hesistation.

 

So let me ask you a question: is he a good boyfriend? Does he take care of you and your daughter? Like meet your emotional needs? Does he love you and support you? If he does, then it won't matter whether or not you have another ring on your finger or not. He will still be there for you. I wish I would have realized this before.

 

So can you wait another 5 years? Do you think you will be happier married to someone else in a year then be with your current boyfriend? Being married doesn't ensure that you will have a good husband...or that it will last forever. So if you feel what you have is a good mate then hold onto him..married or not.

[Star Gazer]

He feels I need to help out more financially and physically at home to make it more of a 50/50 partnership before he'll marry me.

 

Great start with getting the job at the salon, but what about the part about helping out "physically at home"?

 

It sounds to me that he's been looking for a partner, but hasn't felt that you've been acting as one. Once you're able to show him that you're willing, able, want, and CAN be his true partner, I think the proposal will come.

 

[Lauriebell82]

Great start with getting the job at the salon, but what about the part about helping out "physically at home"?

 

It sounds to me that he's been looking for a partner, but hasn't felt that you've been acting as one. Once you're able to show him that you're willing, able, want, and CAN be his true partner, I think the proposal will come.

 

 

Yeah I second that!

 

Do you know what he means by "physically?" Like chore wise? Cleaning? Cooking?

[stillafool]

I also agree that you should wait. Right now you are just getting a real job and you should have a chance to provide insurance and take care of your expenses without help from the state. This will show your bf that you can handle your own expenses and affairs without his help. Right now it seems you need him financially because you are not taking care of you and your child on your own. When he sees that you can carry your own weight he will probably want to marry you.

[carhill]

I'll offer another perspective. The man, in the beginning, was 'gung ho' to look at rings and to get the OP to move in with him, even though she didn't have regular work and was still on government assistance (I'll bet the government isn't aware of their living arrangement and his financial support). He's got what he wants and is now pushing for more 'equality'.

 

I'd be very careful here. I'm seeing inconsistency in this man, contrary to what the other men on the thread are saying. If he was leary of cohabiting with and marrying someone, he wouldn't have pushed so hard from the beginning, especially considering the lady's circumstances.

 

I smell 'rescuer' syndrome....

[Lauriebell82]

I'll offer another perspective. The man, in the beginning, was 'gung ho' to look at rings and to get the OP to move in with him, even though she didn't have regular work and was still on government assistance (I'll bet the government isn't aware of their living arrangement and his financial support). He's got what he wants and is now pushing for more 'equality'.

 

I'd be very careful here. I'm seeing inconsistency in this man, contrary to what the other men on the thread are saying. If he was leary of cohabiting with and marrying someone, he wouldn't have pushed so hard from the beginning, especially considering the lady's circumstances.

 

I smell 'rescuer' syndrome....

 

Hmm, that's an interesting perspective on the situation. It just sounds like your boyfriend wants an equal relationship (which is fine). A thought would be that he also doesn't want marriage because he feels that it might be the "mine is yours" theory and he would have to support you because you are his wife. (and he doesn't want to) While I think a couple should both contribute, I also feel that there always can't be equality in a relationship. The economy is pretty bad so in your defense I'd have to and inconsistent income isn't uncommon nowadays. I say that he could be a little more supportive while you look for another job. He's just obviously not at that point yet, sorry to say.

[Art_Critic]

I really hate to say this..

I think it comes down to the why buy the cow when the milk is given for free in this situation.

 

You live with him.. you share a life, have sex and are raising a child together and yet he didn't have to marry you to do all that ?..

 

What would he gain by marrying you now?

 

The excuses of not being able to afford it is just that.. an excuse..if he had a million dollars in the bank he would have another excuse to use instead and picked the money issue because it was handy..

 

IMO from my experience in having once been a step father I don't think moving in with him was a good move..

You should have been married..

I think your child should have been the priority in your life and if he wanted to live with you both then he should man up and ask you to marry him..

 

I like carhill's advice too.. my advice might not be what is happening but it is the way I see it from here..

[allina]

It sounds like he's afraid that by marrying you he'll be taking on a huge burden. You and your daughter moved in to his house pretty quickly, he may feel like he's stuck supporting you and your kid financially,on top of doing everything around the house.

 

Are you living in a home he owns? What do your contribute to the household? Do you pay a part of the mortgage? Do you pay for living expenses? Does your kid respect him? Since you don't have a job do you keep the house spotless and cook for him?

 

I feel bad saying this but if your bf was my friend or relative I would strongly urge him to not marry you.

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds like he's afraid that by marrying you he'll be taking on a huge burden. You and your daughter moved in to his house pretty quickly, he may feel like he's stuck supporting you and your kid financially,on top of doing everything around the house.

 

Are you living in a home he owns? What do your contribute to the household? Do you pay a part of the mortgage? Do you pay for living expenses? Does your kid respect him? Since you don't have a job do you keep the house spotless and cook for him?

 

I feel bad saying this but if your bf was my friend or relative I would strongly urge him to not marry you.

 

A lot of good points. She did say she has a hair salon from home, although it's inconsistent income. It sounds like she is trying to contribute at least. She also said that she gets foodstamps, and cash assitance from the government which will be discontinued if she marries him.

 

I think what's happening is just what Allina said: he is afraid he is going to get stuck if he marries you. That's sort of an excuse though, as that situation can be worked out if he REALLY did want to marry you.

 

I second what everyone else said: do your best to find a job and contribute to the household. If he STILL won't marry you then I think you'll know where you stand.

[carhill]

The OP apparently was in an unhealthy marriage that involved infidelity and also a relationship that involved drugs (it could have been the same person, I'm unclear). I think her history has a bearing on the dynamic as well. After such experiences, perhaps this is her knight in shining armor, but we know nothing of his history in relationships.

 

I will now start to wager that he got cleaned out by an ex and he's being very careful about the financial point the relationship becomes 'official'. His '50/50' comment underscores my instincts here. He didn't mind 100/0 in the beginning. Why the change? Does he not accept the OP anymore? Why?

 

More questions...

[Lauriebell82]

Oh btw: You can still keep your government assistance depending upon where you live EVEN if you get married. It depends on income, not marital status. It depends on the state, but I think there is an income limit per household, per number of people in household. So depending on what you currently make and your boyfriend you may still be able to keep your government assistance.

[allina]

A lot of good points. She did say she has a hair salon from home, although it's inconsistent income. It sounds like she is trying to contribute at least. She also said that she gets foodstamps, and cash assitance from the government which will be discontinued if she marries him.

 

I think what's happening is just what Allina said: he is afraid he is going to get stuck if he marries you. That's sort of an excuse though, as that situation can be worked out if he REALLY did want to marry you.

 

I second what everyone else said: do your best to find a job and contribute to the household. If he STILL won't marry you then I think you'll know where you stand.

 

The OP apparently was in an unhealthy marriage that involved infidelity and also a relationship that involved drugs (it could have been the same person, I'm unclear). I think her history has a bearing on the dynamic as well. After such experiences, perhaps this is her knight in shining armor, but we know nothing of his history in relationships.

 

I will now start to wager that he got cleaned out by an ex and he's being very careful about the financial point the relationship becomes 'official'. His '50/50' comment underscores my instincts here. He didn't mind 100/0 in the beginning. Why the change? Does he not accept the OP anymore? Why?

 

More questions...

 

This is obviously just my opinion and the way I see things.

 

I feel like maybe there was a spark between them and he jumped the gun by having her move in. Once the reality set in, he realized that he had taken on all this responsibility. To me this doesn't seem like an equal partnership, something that is necessary in a loving, respectful, healthy marriage. By equal I don't mean split everything 50/50 but both individuals need to contribute something of value.

 

I think that the OP needs to stand on her own two feet before entering a life long commitment with another person.

 

I'm concerned that her focus is getting this guy to propose instead on working on herself to better her life, and her kid's life. I feel like her focus should be getting an education and some sort of career instead of moving from the government's pocket to a man's pocket for her and her child's needs.

[carhill]

Here's how it works in my neck of the woods. Woman and child are on public assistance (welfare/mediCal,foodstamps, etc) due to income level. Man shows up with income. They live together, saving on expenses. Government is not advised of change in income. Woman continues to receive assistance. Most families also work underground for cash so the income is untraceable. My next door neighbors (now evicted and the house foreclosed) did this. Sometimes the mailman delivers the mail to the wrong address

 

Not saying any of this has to do with the OP, but just wanted to share a reality check from the lovely state of Kalifornia.

 

Essentially, if they've been straight up with the government, the only thing that will change will be their marital status, the strict costs of a marriage license and a simple wedding. Of course, then, legally, they will be married, with all the financial bonds that attend.

 

If the guy is worried about finances, and their financial situations are disparate, he could easily do a pre-nup to protect both of them.

 

Hopefully, the OP will return with more insight

 

I'm concerned that her focus is getting this guy to propose instead on working on herself to better her life, and her kid's life. I feel like her focus should be getting an education and some sort of career instead of moving from the government's pocket to a man's pocket for her and her child's needs.

 

I like this insight and hope the OP comments on it. This is her responsibility in the dynamic. I'd also like to hear her desired timeline and how she currently feels about being 'dependent' on this man, given her prior history in relationships. I'm assuming her xH is either out of the picture or not the child's father, based on her statements, and contributes nothing to their welfare.

[Lucky_One]

He may have been more gung-ho at the beginning, because he saw different behavior from the OP. Sometimes partners in relationships get 'lazy' when they get into a more committed relationship (living together, engaged, married), and they stop doing some of the things that made them a more attractive partner. OP, did you make more money when you met him? Were you more financially adept back then? Did you manage your own household? Did any of that slack off when you moved in, as you had help then, and didn't have to do it all yourself?

[katiekayla1]

It sounds like he's afraid that by marrying you he'll be taking on a huge burden. You and your daughter moved in to his house pretty quickly, he may feel like he's stuck supporting you and your kid financially,on top of doing everything around the house.

 

Are you living in a home he owns? What do your contribute to the household? Do you pay a part of the mortgage? Do you pay for living expenses? Does your kid respect him? Since you don't have a job do you keep the house spotless and cook for him?

 

I feel bad saying this but if your bf was my friend or relative I would strongly urge him to not marry you.

Wow, harsh people, ouch!! I guess I agree with most of you. I should be financially stable with my "own stuff" before we go into a marriage. And to answer your question, no,I don't contribute very much. It is HIS house, no I don't pay anything towards any bill, sometimes I cook. I ALWAYS clean. It's not because I don't want to contribute towards bills,I financially can't. HOWEVER,WHAT ALL OF YOU DON'T KNOW IS.......He changed the rules. Nothing was expected of me when I moved in. We even had a conversation about that. He said if I didn't want to work that was ok,and he would "take care of me". Now, he has (2yrs. later)changed all the rules. Not very nice!! I think he was trying to impress me and then REALITY set in that he couldn't afford everything. At least I think that's what happened.What ever happened to chivalry and men taking care of women? I guess those days are gone.

[Star Gazer]

I think he was trying to impress me and then REALITY set in that he couldn't afford everything.

 

And what's wrong with him wanting to even things out now that reality has set in??

 

What ever happened to chivalry and men taking care of women? I guess those days are gone.

 

Do you expect him to "take care of you"? Do you expect any husband you might have to take care of you?

 

If so, you're just flat-out incompatible, as it's clear he's looking for an equal partner.

[Lauriebell82]

Wow, harsh people, ouch!! I guess I agree with most of you. I should be financially stable with my "own stuff" before we go into a marriage. And to answer your question, no,I don't contribute very much. It is HIS house, no I don't pay anything towards any bill, sometimes I cook. I ALWAYS clean. It's not because I don't want to contribute towards bills,I financially can't. HOWEVER,WHAT ALL OF YOU DON'T KNOW IS.......He changed the rules. Nothing was expected of me when I moved in. We even had a conversation about that. He said if I didn't want to work that was ok,and he would "take care of me". Now, he has (2yrs. later)changed all the rules. Not very nice!! I think he was trying to impress me and then REALITY set in that he couldn't afford everything. At least I think that's what happened.What ever happened to chivalry and men taking care of women? I guess those days are gone.

 

Well, I think when he said he would "take care of you" he didn't count of doing it for 2 years. Maybe he was willing until you got on your feet?

 

Where does your government funding go? Yo said you get cash and foodstamps, do you contribute that to your household?

 

I don't think it's a question of him being "nice" it sounds like he is going broke paying for two additional people in his house (you and your daughter.) If I may ask, how much does he make?

[davo1224]

Ugh. That response left such a bitter taste in my mouth. You only want him to propose so that you can have a financially stable life. You don't marry someone the same way you sell them a used car. I think it's *very* clear why he hasn't asked. Thankfully for you he thinks you have the potential to be his wife in five years. That's a generous amount of time to get your act together. It's good that you've gotten a job.

[apostasy71]

I really hate to say this..

I think it comes down to the why buy the cow when the milk is given for free in this situation.

 

You live with him.. you share a life, have sex and are raising a child together and yet he didn't have to marry you to do all that ?..

 

What would he gain by marrying you now?

 

The excuses of not being able to afford it is just that.. an excuse..if he had a million dollars in the bank he would have another excuse to use instead and picked the money issue because it was handy..

 

IMO from my experience in having once been a step father I don't think moving in with him was a good move..

You should have been married..

I think your child should have been the priority in your life and if he wanted to live with you both then he should man up and ask you to marry him..

 

I like carhill's advice too.. my advice might not be what is happening but it is the way I see it from here..

 

I have to say I agree with Art_Critic, though this is coming from someone who is coming to terms with being in the same situation as this woman's boyfriend (i've said i want to get married to the woman I live with and now am coming up with excuses/reasons not to).

 

I think he already has you living with him, he's not lonely, he can have sex when he wants it, he has a family, but I think the commitment of marriage is hard for some men (it is for me) and might be something that he's wanting to delay or avoid altogether. In other words, the money thing sounds like an excuse.

 

And I agree that there is some pretty harsh criticism on here of you OP. You don't sound to me like you're freeloading or being lazy.

[Lauriebell82]

I have to say I agree with Art_Critic, though this is coming from someone who is coming to terms with being in the same situation as this woman's boyfriend (i've said i want to get married to the woman I live with and now am coming up with excuses/reasons not to).

 

I think he already has you living with him, he's not lonely, he can have sex when he wants it, he has a family, but I think the commitment of marriage is hard for some men (it is for me) and might be something that he's wanting to delay or avoid altogether. In other words, the money thing sounds like an excuse.

 

And I agree that there is some pretty harsh criticism on here of you OP. You don't sound to me like you're freeloading or being lazy.

 

What's your hesistation for marriage?

[apostasy71]

What's your hesistation for marriage?

 

Well, I'm with someone who I don't share a whole lot of interests with, although she's enthusiastic about trying new things and doing the things I like to do. I was never in love with her--it was always mostly a friendship, and I think I'm starting to miss being with someone that I have a more romantic/sexual attraction to. So even though we don't really ever argue and things are comfortable, I wish I was with someone I was more enthusiastic about spending time with.

[Lauriebell82]

Well, I'm with someone who I don't share a whole lot of interests with, although she's enthusiastic about trying new things and doing the things I like to do. I was never in love with her--it was always mostly a friendship, and I think I'm starting to miss being with someone that I have a more romantic/sexual attraction to. So even though we don't really ever argue and things are comfortable, I wish I was with someone I was more enthusiastic about spending time with.

 

Hmm, okay. The reason I asked is because I think the OP may be in your girlfriend's position.

 

Generally men have reasons why they don't want to marry their girlfriends. I think he may be having some kind of issue that she needs to get to the bottom of. She needs to talk to him to uncover whatever it is.

 

My advice to you though apostasy would be similar: you need to talk to your girlfriend as well. It's not fair to make excuses and string her along. Imagine how you would feel if she was doing that to you...