3 months of NC starting today

[jennie-jennie]

MM has for some time expressed a wish for a time-out to see if he can get his marriage to work. There were two questions: when to do it and can we handle NC? Well, we have decided to do it now, and it is yet to be seen if we can handle NC.

 

Like MM says, if he can handle 3 months without me, that says a lot, and the result will in that case most likely be the end of our EMR. MM knows I supply him with things which his wife does not. The question in his mind is if he can live without these. According to him, if he was not married today, his wife would not stand a chance against me, it is the institution of marriage, their history, their kids and their shared life which pulls him stronger than his love for me. He says he has realized that love for a woman is not what is most important in his life.

 

So, I have deleted all his phone numbers and all his email adresses. I was very scared that I would accidentally learn his phone number by heart in the process of deleting it. Luckily I always used speed dial so I do not know it by heart.

 

MM is very determined he wants to give his marriage this try. So if he is successful in NC, that will be it for us.

 

Well, I always asked him to get off the fence, so he finally complied. There is satisfaction in that, although I suspect I have some months of hell ahead of me.

 

Interestingly enough, he says that he has not chosen his wife, he has chosen to see if he can get his marriage to work.

[georgia girl]

Jennie-jennie,

 

This sounds like it's the break it/or make it point for your relationship and, as much as you may have wanted it, it's probably scary. While our situations are different, I did no contact with my BF over the summer and really held firm about what I needed before I took him back. He actually asked twice before I would consider it. In the end, while it was the biggest risk of my life, it was worth it. Whatever happens, you get clarity. Good luck.

[jennie-jennie]

Georgia Girl, I believe your interpretation of my situation is spot on. Thanks for wishing me luck. I need it.

 

I made one last phone call to MM last night. His determined attitude was exactly what I needed to tip the scale over for me enough to (hopefully) be able to keep NC.

 

I do consider this the probable end of our EMR, although there is a very slim possibility that he will miss me too much. He has in the past made several attempts to choose his wife, but always taken me back. This time is different. He has contemplated his need to give his marriage a try for a long time. I believe he knows he can never move forward in any direction if he does not succeed in making this effort.

 

I told him before we parted that I hope his attempt at making it work with his wife will fail. When I pressed him on his response to this, he said don't make me say it, I do too.

 

Still, I see no reason why he will not succeed in making his marriage work, as long as he can manage to live without me. So if it is as he says, that there are more important things in his life than the love for a woman, they should have it made.

[movingforward]

MM has for some time expressed a wish for a time-out to see if he can get his marriage to work. There were two questions: when to do it and can we handle NC? Well, we have decided to do it now, and it is yet to be seen if we can handle NC.

 

Like MM says, if he can handle 3 months without me, that says a lot, and the result will in that case most likely be the end of our EMR. MM knows I supply him with things which his wife does not. The question in his mind is if he can live without these. According to him, if he was not married today, his wife would not stand a chance against me, it is the institution of marriage, their history, their kids and their shared life which pulls him stronger than his love for me. He says he has realized that love for a woman is not what is most important in his life.

 

So, I have deleted all his phone numbers and all his email adresses. I was very scared that I would accidentally learn his phone number by heart in the process of deleting it. Luckily I always used speed dial so I do not know it by heart.

 

MM is very determined he wants to give his marriage this try. So if he is successful in NC, that will be it for us.

 

Well, I always asked him to get off the fence, so he finally complied. There is satisfaction in that, although I suspect I have some months of hell ahead of me.

 

Interestingly enough, he says that he has not chosen his wife, he has chosen to see if he can get his marriage to work.

 

 

As a married woman who mistakenly entered into an affair with a married man, let me tell you one thing -- He is 100% correct when he states that love for a woman isn't the most important thing in life.

 

If you are not married with children, this is very hard for you to understand. When you build a life with someone, you have history -- shared finances, shared memories, blended families, a shared undying love for your children (and a undeniable instinct to protect them at all costs). And the love you have for your spouse can't compare to the love you feel for your AP... it's like comparing apples and oranges. The love for your AP is intense, romantic, obsessive, addicting -- it comes from the feel-good drugs produced in your brain when you connect with someone. But those feeling aren't sustainable. The love you have for your spouse is different... it's secure, it's about a shared life and history, it's about being a family, it is knowing the person better than they know themselves. It's a stable, comfortable love that IS sustainable. And it isn't the kind of love that is easily given up, even if it, for the time being pales in comparison to the A.

 

You are both doing the right thing. But I would suggest that you not wait around for him in the 3 months that it takes for him to make up his mind. And if he DOES decide you, don't move him into your life immediately.

 

I know this is going to hurt, but he IS choosing his wife. His marriage and his family include his wife. Please don't miss that point. If he is choosing to see if his marriage can work, that IS his wife. Thinking otherwise is to remain in denial.

 

I just went NC with my AP yesterday. I feel your pain more than you know. But having a family I can tell you that the chances of him choosing you over his family are slim. Don't wait around. Live your life. You deserve better.

[georgia girl]

Jennie-jennie,

 

While it may not be the end, I think it's smart to consider it the end because it forces you to move on. Believe it or not, No Contact will work wonders for you, too. It gives you that breathing space to take a hard look at your situation. Again, our situations are different, but when we first broke up, I would have accepted just about anything to get back together. Too bad he screwed up his timing!

 

As I got further and further away from the daily roller coaster of loving someone who was not fully committed to me, I decided what I NEEDED. It stopped being about him very quickly for me and turned into one of the most empowering times of my life. I ignored him for three straight weeks and he texted, called, showed up, etc. I just wasn't going to take less than what I deserved a second time.

 

We are back together now. My boyfriend is a never-married commitment phobe and we're actually in couples' counseling (which sounds totally goofy but has been very helpful). The counselor told me that by defining what I needed, I actually positioned us for success because I forced my BF to make a full commitment to us and our relationship.

 

So, take this time for you. Focus totally on you. You will have absolutely awful days when you just want to talk to him, plead with him, just get your life back! If you do, go over the breaking up/coping boards. There are great people there to help.

 

Then, you will see what happens. Right now, he's electing to choose - and it's very easy to choose when you get to make all of the decisions. Let him realize that you get to choose, too, and you may choose having no one over having him. If it does nothing but make this time easier for you, it's worth it. And, if he comes back in three months, you'll be able to negotiate the deal you need to have from him - vs. taking what's on offer.

 

Good luck!!!!

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with movingforward. He is choosing his W if he is working on his M. I know he probably doesn't feel like he is doing that, but it doesn't change the fact that he is.

 

And, again, movingforward is also correct on what NC will do for you as well. It will show you that you don't need him and that an EMA isn't the best use of your time.

 

I can almost gaurantee you that if he does come back to you, it will be for an A, nothing else.

 

Good luck.

 

(I can't help but get the feeling of the "who would you save" conundrum from this post. It seems that MM has decided to save the mother of his children, and tell his potentially drowning OP "I'm sorry" - maybe hoping to rush back to the last spot he saw her once he gets his W to safety)

[MistyK]

Interestingly enough, he says that he has not chosen his wife, he has chosen to see if he can get his marriage to work.

 

JJ, unfortunately that statement sounds exactly like he chose his wife. As much as that sucks, it is not a reflection on you or your worthiness. Please don't waste any more of your precious time on him. He's made his decision, make him live with it!

[blinded]

OP- I agree with the consensus- he has chosen his wife. Which is exactly what my ex-MM did exactly 2 weeks ago today. I have been NC ever since. I feel that I didn't beg for his initial attention, and I wasn't going to start now. They know how much it hurts us, yet they love and care about themselves more. Go out and live your life. I know I'm trying to do that.

[choklit]

JJ, I agree, sounds like he finally made a choice.

 

Movingforward is correct about the history and shared life experiences within marriage. Although we would love to have a relationship, there is too much to lose. There is constant questioning whether or not it is worth losing everything for one.

 

I am a MOW struggling to maintain NC with MOM. I understand both sides. Good luck in your journey.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't think I agree with the consensus here. Remember he is saying that if it was only about us as women, he would choose me. So in fact, he has chosen the marriage, not the woman. His wife is included in the package, so if you want to call that choosing her, sure. He might find out during these three months that he loves her more than he understood, and that he in fact chooses her, but I don't think he is there yet.

 

Georgiagirl, thanks for your post. It is very helpful. Having a relationship with a MM is having a relationship with someone who is not fully committed to you, so I can see you know what it is like. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

[jennie-jennie]

(I can't help but get the feeling of the "who would you save" conundrum from this post. It seems that MM has decided to save the mother of his children, and tell his potentially drowning OP "I'm sorry" - maybe hoping to rush back to the last spot he saw her once he gets his W to safety)

 

MM's wife isn't drowning. She is completely unaware of the EMR.

 

MM has been sincerely working on getting off the fence all summer. This is what his work resulted in: a decision to go and see if he can make his marriage work. He does not want to remain a cake eater. He is doing his best to make a change happen. I think he is owed some credit for that. He has shown more determination than I in doing this. If it weren't for him, we would be back in the affair already.

[choklit]

I don't think I agree with the consensus here. Remember he is saying that if it was only about us as women, he would choose me. So in fact, he has chosen the marriage, not the woman. His wife is included in the package, so if you want to call that choosing her, sure. He might find out during these three months that he loves her more than he understood, and that he in fact chooses her, but I don't think he is there yet.

 

Georgiagirl, thanks for your post. It is very helpful. Having a relationship with a MM is having a relationship with someone who is not fully committed to you, so I can see you know what it is like. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

 

True, but it's not just you and her. There are children involved, I assume years of marriage, and so much more. It is very possible he truly loves you and wants to pursue a more committed relationship. However, still loves his W and wants to give his M a chance. He will never "get there" if he remains connected with you. He obviously feels there is still enough between them to salvage the M versus just giving up, but he is not going to tell you that.

 

Just curious, has he ever discussed with you the consequences of leaving his family? Or his opinions in regards to child support, single parenting, moving, finances, image? Many reasons why some people stay in unhappy marriages.

[jennie-jennie]

True, but it's not just you and her. There are children involved, I assume years of marriage, and so much more. It is very possible he truly loves you and wants to pursue a more committed relationship. However, still loves his W and wants to give his M a chance. He will never "get there" if he remains connected with you. He obviously feels there is still enough between them to salvage the M versus just giving up, but he is not going to tell you that.

 

Just curious, has he ever discussed with you the consequences of leaving his family? Or his opinions in regards to child support, single parenting, moving, finances, image? Many reasons why some people stay in unhappy marriages.

 

"He obviously feels there is still enough between them to salvage the M versus just giving up, but he is not going to tell you that."

He actually has told me exactly that. MM and I talk about everything, and I mean everything. Remember we have had a relationship for four years. We have talked for hours every day. All the topics you mentioned above have been covered several times. Your summary in your first paragraph is a good summary of our situation.

 

MM is determined on giving his marriage a try. He would be willing for us to have contact still during this, but I have told him this is not possible. He can't work on his marriage while still in contact with me. He agrees with this and since he is so determined to work on his marriage, NC is in place. However, now he is the strong one, without his determination I would be right back there with him. I long for him so.

[movingforward]

"He obviously feels there is still enough between them to salvage the M versus just giving up, but he is not going to tell you that."

He actually has told me exactly that. MM and I talk about everything, and I mean everything. Remember we have had a relationship for four years. We have talked for hours every day. All the topics you mentioned above have been covered several times. Your summary in your first paragraph is a good summary of our situation.

 

MM is determined on giving his marriage a try. He would be willing for us to have contact still during this, but I have told him this is not possible. He can't work on his marriage while still in contact with me. He agrees with this and since he is so determined to work on his marriage, NC is in place. However, now he is the strong one, without his determination I would be right back there with him. I long for him so.

 

 

I understand the longing... more than you know.

 

My xMOM told me the same thing -- that if given the choice, he would have chosen me over his wife in a heartbeat. I know that she doesn't hold a candle to me in terms of compatibility and so much more. But unfortunately, that doesn't matter. It's all about timing. And he chose his wife a long time ago. And most likely now he will choose her again.

 

I KNOW this is hard. I grieve for my AP more than you know. We didn't go through with a plan to be together because of the destruction it would have bestowed on far too many people. If given a "free" choice, he would be with me today, right now. But he isn't free... and neither am I. We made our choices years ago and we need to live with them.

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel... but I would have given anything to have been told the same thing in time to make a different choice. You deserve happiness, and you CAN find it with someone who is "free", I promise.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks, movingforward, I can see you understand the situation. I know my best bet is that he will not return, yet it will take time for me to get him out of my system. Right now I am happy for not having contacted him today, I am happy that we finally are getting a shot of getting out of our limbo situation, I am happy for all the wonderful time we had together.

[georgia girl]

Stay strong, Jennie-Jennie! Believe me, it will be worth it. If you contact him or cave in when he contacts you, then nothing changes. You will ultimately slide back into this relationship where you have him only part time and you continue to hear about his guilt and his desire to work on his marriage. He will continue to give you less of what you need.

 

But, if you stay strong and ignore him, then he has to consider what he's giving up by not choosing you. That's when the real choice will come. Again, right now, he's thinking that "If this working-out-my-marriage-thing doesn't work out for me, I can give Jennie-Jennie a call and we'll be all good." When he realizes that you may not be an option for him, then he starts to think.

 

Also, no contact clears the mind. Right now, you're in the "anything to get them back" stage. That passes, I promise. Just get through today!

[choklit]

"He obviously feels there is still enough between them to salvage the M versus just giving up, but he is not going to tell you that."

He actually has told me exactly that. MM and I talk about everything, and I mean everything. Remember we have had a relationship for four years. We have talked for hours every day. All the topics you mentioned above have been covered several times. Your summary in your first paragraph is a good summary of our situation.

 

MM is determined on giving his marriage a try. He would be willing for us to have contact still during this, but I have told him this is not possible. He can't work on his marriage while still in contact with me. He agrees with this and since he is so determined to work on his marriage, NC is in place. However, now he is the strong one, without his determination I would be right back there with him. I long for him so.

 

 

JJ, I commend you for initiating NC and need to be as strong as you. At least he was being upfront with you. I know you long for him, it's very painful. And he probably hurts just as much as you. I understand both sides, what you feel as OW and how he feels as a WS. NC does not mean either of you will not have feelings for one another. Even if he has "chosen her", it does not imply he does not have strong emotions for you. Stay strong.

[White Flower]

MM has for some time expressed a wish for a time-out to see if he can get his marriage to work. There were two questions: when to do it and can we handle NC? Well, we have decided to do it now, and it is yet to be seen if we can handle NC.

 

Like MM says, if he can handle 3 months without me, that says a lot, and the result will in that case most likely be the end of our EMR. MM knows I supply him with things which his wife does not. The question in his mind is if he can live without these. According to him, if he was not married today, his wife would not stand a chance against me, it is the institution of marriage, their history, their kids and their shared life which pulls him stronger than his love for me. He says he has realized that love for a woman is not what is most important in his life.

 

So, I have deleted all his phone numbers and all his email adresses. I was very scared that I would accidentally learn his phone number by heart in the process of deleting it. Luckily I always used speed dial so I do not know it by heart.

 

MM is very determined he wants to give his marriage this try. So if he is successful in NC, that will be it for us.

 

Well, I always asked him to get off the fence, so he finally complied. There is satisfaction in that, although I suspect I have some months of hell ahead of me.

 

Interestingly enough, he says that he has not chosen his wife, he has chosen to see if he can get his marriage to work.

Good luck Jennie-Jennie! I know it must be hard. I'm sure the worst part, if you're anything like me, is the daily calls, the sweet terms of endearment, and having that person be a part of your daily life. I hope you're not going to feel lonely. Keep yourself busy with girlfriends (that's what I do), keep a journal, and think about a positive future. Oh, and hold your head up!

[silktricks]

Take care of yourself. You're looking at a difficult time ahead, but if you stay strong, I'm sure you'll be OK in the end. With him or without...

[becky2009]

JJ - I am in a very similar situation, weeks ago my MM said he had to give his marriage a try, he is having a hard time with this but still seems determined after a dicussion yesterday.

We work together so we are keeping it to work only (except for yesterday)

I believe he has to figure this out on his own or it will never work with us, I realize that now. BUT this is so hard, we have been friends for many years and have been very close.

I told him yesterday that if he talks to me again (other than work) he must have things taken care of, there is no other option. He will never be okay with whatever decision he makes unless he figures it out without me.

 

There are things he has said that I just don't understand and never will but I have to let him go, that is the only choice I have.

 

I wish you luck - keep us updated

[jj33]

Jenni you sound very grounded about the whole thing. As you say he isnt going back because his W is the love of his life. Hes going back because he needs to see if he can make the life he has built for himself work.

 

And that is a good thing. Because if he could have done that, and he left without trying, he might always wonder, or look back and think he acted hastily in leaving.

 

This way if he does leave, he knows he made the right decision. If he does not, you will move on with your life but knowing he loves you.

 

Its a difficult time. Hang in there and keep up the good work.

[jennie-jennie]

jj, Becky, silktricks, white flower and everyone else who posts,

Know that your words are very valuable to me, helping me to get through this minute, this hour of my day.

 

jj, thank you, that is exactly how I see it. I am going to borrow your words and put them in my signature as a reminder to help me pull through.

Becky, it helps to hear from someone going through the same thing.

 

I don't know how he can even do this. I could not live a day without him if I was not forced to.

 

Being an EMR, when we could have contact has always been steered by him. Now it seems to me that this is the ultimate steering, now that I am not allowed to contact him at all. He knows, as always, what is going on in his mind and I am, as always, left to wonder.

[tami-chan]

Hi Jennie-jennie....wow..HUGE step....take care of yourself, keep yourself busy....most come back-maybe by then you won't want him back...stay strong!

[jj33]

Feel free Jenni. I think it makes a lot of sense. Unless he was ready to leave when you met, he needs to do this.

 

This could go any way. He could work on his marriage and in 3 months say I have to give this a go and stay there, or he could then call you in a year and say well, I gave it my all but in the end we just werent happy and W agreed divorce was the best option.

 

Either way you have to let him get on with it. The thing is you are an unapologetic other woman which is fine, but you arent a man stealing Im going to go in there and get what I want type of woman.

 

Nor are you the "girl who knows best" saving some poor loser from his awful wife (the ultimate myth in 99.999999% of cases) who is going to convince him that you know he should divorce and why is he *icking around wasting time when he told you he loved you and promised you a future.

 

The latter is where I see MANY women on this board go wrong. You poor misguided MM/OW you dont know whats best for you, its me and I will help you leave.

 

You dont help someone leave and you arent interested in building a future with someone who is SO clueless that you have to pry them out of their marriage with the jaws of life.

 

That is nonsense. You cant quarterback the dissolutoin of someone else's marriage. Its predatory behavior and not where you want to be.

 

This is the cleanest solution. If he does leave it was HIS decision and he did it for himself and he is taking responsibility for the decision like a real grown up - its not the two of you deciding what can only rightly be decided by him and his W. Because even when one spouse unilaterally decides they want to end the marriage, ultimately the course of the D is determined by the parties, MM and his W.

 

Easier said than done, but you do need to start the healing path because there is a 50% chance at least that he will stay after the 3 month period. If he were to come back in 2 years with divorce papers, who knows where your life will be...

 

Hang in there you are doing great.

[jennie-jennie]

jj, thanks for your wise words. Yes, I believe it is important for people to see that a couple in an EMR can be doing everything in their power to find a solution, whatever that solution will turn out to be. We are just two human beings who ended up in a triangle drama and now don't know how to get out of here.

 

I am lucky to have a MM who is strong enough to enforce a change, come what will. The powers in play here are very strong, and it is difficult to make any change.

 

I do believe he is doing the right thing not telling his W of the EMR. That way he can find out what he needs to know, if he by putting in effort, time and love can make their marriage work. Had he told her of the EMR, the dynamics would be so changed, he would not be able to see where he stands. He would just be trying to make the world stop swirling.