3 months of NC starting today

[NowhereToHide]

(((jennie))) oh this would be so hard for me if I were in your shoes. I am 1 month NC and it is still killing me. I just keep hoping that the intensity of my pain begins to lessen. Some days go okay and I feel like I can live without my xOM and other days I feel like contacting him. It is so freakin hard. I feel empty all the time like something is missing. My kids help distract my thoughts as when I am with them I tend not to think of xOM, but the rest of the time it hurts. Now I am at a point where I keep wondering if he is even thinking of me or that he could care less that we are in NC. I know it shouldn't matter one way or another, but this is what goes through my mind. NC is hard, LC is worse. What to do now??? I hate this I want to forget him and I just cannot.

 

I don't want to be here a year from now.

 

 

Lady, it WILL get easier, I promise. Just stay strong.

 

My LC seems to have fizzled out to NC which is better, trust me. I know about the wondering if he's feeling the same way... Unfortunately guys tend to process this stuff differently than women. He IS hurting, but he is probably compartmentalizing his feelings in order to just get through his day and focus on what he needs to do. My AP used to get mad at me when I would push him during LC and say "I'm doing everything I can just to hold my sh*t together".

 

But you're right... what he's thinking doesn't matter. YOU matter. Take care of yourself, focus on your kids. Do you have anyone to talk to? That definitely helps. Holding everything in can be really isolating.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe removing himself from the triangle completely would help. By that I mean NC from you and separation from his wife. That way he will see what he can tolerate.

 

This all seems so torturous Jennie...how are you? I know you are back in contact...but it must still be hard.

 

Hey, you can't say this. I already said it. And was accused of saying so so that he would "realize he couldn't live without [jj]". Only to be told that that is EXACTLY what this NC is/was about anyway.

 

Its like Jennie-Jennie is running hot and cold with the justifications for going back on her own word (read this JJ, its important, you don't want to disappoint yourself).

 

I've already said that he's not really offering her anything different than he has for the last four years. I don't see him leaving his kids and his home area for the unknown. He knows his W and the A. It doesn't sound like he wants to give either up and will say just about anything to keep them both.

 

I know what its like to want a partnership with a man that has his mind set another way.

 

(((JJ)))

[Devil Inside]

Hey' date=' you can't say this. I already said it. And was accused of saying so so that he would "realize he couldn't live without [jj']". Only to be told that that is EXACTLY what this NC is/was about anyway.

 

Its like Jennie-Jennie is running hot and cold with the justifications for going back on her own word (read this JJ, its important, you don't want to disappoint yourself).

 

I've already said that he's not really offering her anything different than he has for the last four years. I don't see him leaving his kids and his home area for the unknown. He knows his W and the A. It doesn't sound like he wants to give either up and will say just about anything to keep them both.

 

I know what its like to want a partnership with a man that has his mind set another way.

 

(((JJ)))

 

 

Well what can I say...great minds think alike.

 

I just really hope that JJ will get what she is looking for from this whole situation. I know how much she loves this man...and I hope he can return it.

[jennie-jennie]

Maybe removing himself from the triangle completely would help. By that I mean NC from you and separation from his wife. That way he will see what he can tolerate.

 

This all seems so torturous Jennie...how are you? I know you are back in contact...but it must still be hard.

 

DI and everyone, NC was hell but these days after NC have been torturous as well. Those 5 days of NC made me totally emotionally unbalanced. I have been struggling to once again regain some emotional stability.

 

The first reunion with MM was sweet. The next day we had a big argument. It was made worse since I lost my appetite during NC and have not yet started eating properly.

 

I was so confused and trying to make sense of it all. I felt I could not read here because it added to many voices to the confusion.

 

We have found back to each other now. Things have definitely changed. Although there still is a long way to go.

 

I feel inhibited to write exactly where we are at now, since MM has been reading this thread and everything else I have written on Loveshack during NC. He knows my screen name. I don't mind that he did this. In fact it shows just how difficult it was for him to be without me. But it does inhibit me from writing how things develop, as it feels like I would be exposing our relationship if I wrote down all turns of events as they unfold knowing that he may be reading. It is one thing to tell your (girl)friends, another thing to know your SO is listening.

[jennie-jennie]

Unfortunately guys tend to process this stuff differently than women. He IS hurting, but he is probably compartmentalizing his feelings in order to just get through his day and focus on what he needs to do. My AP used to get mad at me when I would push him during LC and say "I'm doing everything I can just to hold my sh*t together".

 

To those who wonder, my MM was hurting just as much as I was during NC. Compartmentalizing was evidently not a useful tool during this time.

[Devil Inside]

DI and everyone, NC was hell but these days after NC have been torturous as well. Those 5 days of NC made me totally emotionally unbalanced. I have been struggling to once again regain some emotional stability.

 

The first reunion with MM was sweet. The next day we had a big argument. It was made worse since I lost my appetite during NC and have not yet started eating properly.

 

I was so confused and trying to make sense of it all. I felt I could not read here because it added to many voices to the confusion.

 

We have found back to each other now. Things have definitely changed. Although there still is a long way to go.

 

I feel inhibited to write exactly where we are at now, since MM has been reading this thread and everything else I have written on Loveshack during NC. He knows my screen name. I don't mind that he did this. In fact it shows just how difficult it was for him to be without me. But it does inhibit me from writing how things develop, as it feels like I would be exposing our relationship if I wrote down all turns of events as they unfold knowing that he may be reading. It is one thing to tell your (girl)friends, another thing to know your SO is listening.

 

I am glad that you are feeling better...and young lady...make sure you eat everything on your plate!

 

I can understand why you cannot disclose your entire internal process if he is reading. If my xOW or W were reading I would also want to protect them. Hopefully this does not prevent you from writing something.

 

Hang in there Jennie.

[OWoman]

A very interesting comment he made is that what he really would need now is to go NC with his wife. He knows now he cannot do without me. Can he do without his wife? Is that why some MM leave their wife only to go straight back to her? was his question, because in going NC with their wife they realize they can not live without her.

 

I believe he is on to something here. His need is not to go NC with me, because now he knows how that feels. His need is to go NC with his wife, but unfortunately society does not allow him that. Not without taking the step into separation and divorce. It is not like his wife would be as tolerant and cooperative as I have been to the idea of NC, and for good reasons.

 

Jen, there are many ways of doing this, IF that's really what he wants to do. It may be what he feels he NEEDS to do, but he may not WANT to, as he may be afraid of what he might find - and what actions that would then demand of him.

 

His anxiety concerns leaving the life he knows in which he lives fulltime with his children. How would he find out more about how he would manage to handle that by being in NC with me?

 

Jen - if he were to go NC with his W, in whatever form that took, and he found out he could live without her more easily than he could live without you; even, perhaps, that he could live without his kids full-time... Where would that leave you? Would you want, or expect, some programme of action for him to resolve this, to put a plan into action for the two of you to be together (or at least, together more) and for him to leave his W? Or would it simply be more information to you in a puzzle that still required him, ultimately, to make a decision at some point and act on it in some way, in his own time? What are YOUR expectations and demands on this?

 

And, were it to go the other way - were he to discover that he COULDN'T live without his W, or without his kids full-time, just as he found he couldn't live without you... Would you be OK to have this become the permanent, long-term situation?

 

What is the minimum that Jen is prepared to accept? And for how long?

[jennie-jennie]

Jen - if he were to go NC with his W, in whatever form that took, and he found out he could live without her more easily than he could live without you; even, perhaps, that he could live without his kids full-time... Where would that leave you? Would you want, or expect, some programme of action for him to resolve this, to put a plan into action for the two of you to be together (or at least, together more) and for him to leave his W? Or would it simply be more information to you in a puzzle that still required him, ultimately, to make a decision at some point and act on it in some way, in his own time? What are YOUR expectations and demands on this?

 

And, were it to go the other way - were he to discover that he COULDN'T live without his W, or without his kids full-time, just as he found he couldn't live without you... Would you be OK to have this become the permanent, long-term situation?

 

What is the minimum that Jen is prepared to accept? And for how long?

 

Things have progressed, but he is still on the fence. He has understood that as long as I am in his life he will not regain intimacy with his wife. NC made him, as well as me, understand what a large part we play in each other's lives.

 

I offered him the possibility that what we have now is all he is capable of giving me. He did not accept that. He states that he can not live with the affair forever, that it has to come to an end, that he is moving along in the decision process. There has been changes made in our relationship that makes it clear things have changed.

 

His biggest fear is that he will move along to me, only to discover that in doing this the high cost to do so will make it unbearable for him to be in a relationship with me.

 

What is the minimum I will accept? And for how long? Good questions.

 

As Alberoni puts it in his book "Falling in Love and Loving":

"All this is directed at one and only one person. It doesn't matter really who this individual is; what is important is that our falling in love unleashes a violent force that binds the two of us like atoms and makes each of us unique and irreplaceable to the other. That person we are in love with has become the sole special and at the same time suitable partner for us. All of this occurs without our being able to stop it even if we want to and despite our continuing, and possibly long-lasting feeling that, when it comes down to it, we can get by without him or her and find the same sort of happiness with someone else.

 

But it isn't true. A brief separation is enough for us to realize that we receive something special and unmistakable from that person we have fallen in love with, something that we'd always been looking for and that can only come from him or her; if he or she leaves us, it will be lost to us again and this time forever."

 

I believe both MM and I learnt through NC that the above excerpt is true. I don't see us separating from each other, unless I, due to wanting more than I get from the relationship, become open to falling in love with someone else and thus end our relationship.

 

I told him I would trust him a while yet that he is on the road of making a decision. It is his life, a decision is not something that can be forced.

Edited October 3, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[Confused4Now]

To those who wonder, my MM was hurting just as much as I was during NC. Compartmentalizing was evidently not a useful tool during this time.

This was exactly what my MW could do very well...Compartmentalizing to the MAX....She's good at it cause of all the abuse she's been through. SAD

[georgia girl]

Jennie-Jennie,

 

I hope things are going well. You are correct - this is the tough time. At first, it's just about getting them back. Then, when they do come back, all the other issues come back up. I went through a "what has changed" phase. (You know that game where you're supposed to say "In bed," after everything? I used to put "What has changed?" after everything.)

 

This is truly where the hard work comes. Working on your relationship and negotiating a new deal that works for both of you. It sounds like he's willing and he realizes that he can't live in limbo anymore. While there are still several issues to fix, he does have clarity. Now, he just can't backslide. Good luck, stay tough, be yourself and EAT.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie-Jennie,

 

I hope things are going well. You are correct - this is the tough time. At first, it's just about getting them back. Then, when they do come back, all the other issues come back up. I went through a "what has changed" phase. (You know that game where you're supposed to say "In bed," after everything? I used to put "What has changed?" after everything.)

 

This is truly where the hard work comes. Working on your relationship and negotiating a new deal that works for both of you. It sounds like he's willing and he realizes that he can't live in limbo anymore. While there are still several issues to fix, he does have clarity. Now, he just can't backslide. Good luck, stay tough, be yourself and EAT.

 

I hear your, georgiagirl, that is exactly where I am at. You know the deal. Good to know others have experienced this too.

 

C4N, that is so sad. Is her marriage abusive or did she experience abuse earlier in life?

[Confused4Now]

I hear your, georgiagirl, that is exactly where I am at. You know the deal. Good to know others have experienced this too.

 

C4N, that is so sad. Is her marriage abusive or did she experience abuse earlier in life?

Abuse was at a early age cause of her brother and sisters. She came from a big family and there is almost a 15 year difference in the youngest sibling to her. So there was a lot of jealousy cause she was treated as the baby.

 

Once she got to her teen years...she got pregnant with young man who was had abuse in his upbringing...since they were so young she grew up thinking this is how it was suppose to be. When I came into her life....she was a very lonely person who was married. We'd talk about things on just about every level. At some point it was clear to me that she was in a abusive situation.

 

I handed her the book by Lundy Brancroft "Why does he do that?" and the rest is history. I knew when I started down this path with her it was going to be really tough. Even when you show them what type of situation they are in.....it's still up to them to want to get out.

 

So to answer your question...she's learn to live with that pain all her life.

[jennie-jennie]

C4N, I am thinking that perhaps your affair taught her what I put as my answer in another thread:

 

"What, if anything, did you learn from your affair?

That good men exist in this world, men who meet your needs and whom you can trust."

 

I too came from an abusive relationship. My MM has pretty much restored my faith in human beings.