3 months of NC starting today

[jennie-jennie]

Tami, I always value and count on your support.

[bhweller]

"We are just two human beings who ended up in a triangle drama and now don't know how to get out of here"

 

You know when one human being kills two other human beings, really they are just three human beings with one human being trying to get out of there, ya know ?

 

rationalization is a very nasty thing.

[jennie-jennie]

"We are just two human beings who ended up in a triangle drama and now don't know how to get out of here"

 

You know when one human being kills two other human beings, really they are just three human beings with one human being trying to get out of there, ya know ?

 

rationalization is a very nasty thing.

 

And when one human being jumps on another human being in pain with whom he/she has never had any contact before, should we compare that to physical assault?

 

Don't know what your background is, but you have obviously never been in my shoes. Compare love with murder - nice!

[Confused4Now]

The latter is where I see MANY women on this board go wrong. You poor misguided MM/OW you dont know whats best for you, its me and I will help you leave.

 

You dont help someone leave and you arent interested in building a future with someone who is SO clueless that you have to pry them out of their marriage with the jaws of life.

 

That is nonsense. You can't quarterback the dissolution of someone else's marriage. Its predatory behavior and not where you want to be.

This goes for the men on this board as well too!!! Having Co-dependent behavior myself I always tried to push or help her along the way and all I could see I was just pushing her away. I was the MM but I got out of my marriage and my divorce is final. 16 months after my divorce became final she had not done one thing to work her way towards me. I wished I had gone NC early on.

 

But I agree with you can't quarterback the dissolution of someone's marriage....they have to do it themselves.

[jennie-jennie]

Confused4Now, I am glad to see you did the right thing - got out of your marriage. Before the affair how did you feel about your marriage? Were you happy or unhappy then?

 

I just can't understand these men (like my MM) who have a fullblown relationship on every level - sexual, emotional, intellectual, romantic, physical - and yet they stay in their marriages. "I love my wife" - BS. You WISH you still loved your wife so you could be Mr Perfect Guy. Unless you are polygamous there is only room for one such relationship at a time in a person's life. Get real!

[Devil Inside]

Oh Jennie...I know this must be a very hard time.

 

How are you doing today? I know it must be hard.

 

I understand what your MM is doing here, and it is probably the right way to go. So if he can't last the three months is he thinking of leaving his family?

 

Know I'm here for support whenver you need it.

[Devil Inside]

 

Being an EMR, when we could have contact has always been steered by him. Now it seems to me that this is the ultimate steering, now that I am not allowed to contact him at all. He knows, as always, what is going on in his mind and I am, as always, left to wonder.

 

This is why you need to take this time to really think about what you need and want from the future.

 

You really have no control about what he decides to do...but you do have control over what you decide. I know right now you are hurting...but in time sit down and write down some goals for yourself, some that include him and some that don't.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, DI, I don't know how I will ever be able to do this. We parted on Wednesday. Thursday night after only a day of NC I texted and called him saying I could not go through with it, is there no alternative? He was very determined that he needed to work on his marriage, determined in a way that made him seem cold to me. I felt humiliated. At least this humiliation has kept me from contacting him since. The urge is there though, strong.

 

He wants off the fence. He realizes that if he doesn't try to make his marriage work, he will never be able to let go of it either. We have to do this, or we are just back where we started: in the affair. But it is so hard, how can he do it? I can't or couldn't if he had not been so cold to me. I am not going to go begging, please let me be your other woman. Yeah, right.

 

So I suffer. I have kids to take care of, they are already hurting, I left the dinner table being upset, I spent all day in bed.

 

Is it Christmas soon? My sentence will be over then. Or turned into life.

 

DI, keep close to me, mentally, I need your support.

[becky2009]

Jennie- I know exactly how you feel

I am struggling to make it through this, I want it to work out with us so bad and yet this is his choice.

 

I know he loves me and I love him, I don't know how to let it go and just say whatever happens...happens

THIS IS SOOOO HARD!!!!

 

Hang in there!

I will be thinking about you and it helps to know that someone else is in the same situation

[movingforward]

Oh, DI, I don't know how I will ever be able to do this. We parted on Wednesday. Thursday night after only a day of NC I texted and called him saying I could not go through with it, is there no alternative? He was very determined that he needed to work on his marriage, determined in a way that made him seem cold to me. I felt humiliated. At least this humiliation has kept me from contacting him since. The urge is there though, strong.

 

He wants off the fence. He realizes that if he doesn't try to make his marriage work, he will never be able to let go of it either. We have to do this, or we are just back where we started: in the affair. But it is so hard, how can he do it? I can't or couldn't if he had not been so cold to me. I am not going to go begging, please let me be your other woman. Yeah, right.

 

So I suffer. I have kids to take care of, they are already hurting, I left the dinner table being upset, I spent all day in bed.

 

Is it Christmas soon? My sentence will be over then. Or turned into life.

 

DI, keep close to me, mentally, I need your support.

 

 

You know... I once read a quote from an OW saying.. "He loved me, he just didn't love me enough". That has stuck with me all this time.

 

No matter what happens, take from it that you are loved.

[VictoryisMine]

Hi Jennie, How long have you been with your MM?

 

You have my sincerest thoughts.

[jennie-jennie]

Hi Jennie, How long have you been with your MM?

 

You have my sincerest thoughts.

 

3 years and 10 months. It is a long time. A habit not easily broken with every day contact, most often for hours.

[jennie-jennie]

You know... I once read a quote from an OW saying.. "He loved me, he just didn't love me enough". That has stuck with me all this time.

 

No matter what happens, take from it that you are loved.

 

Movingforward, I don't think I agree with that quote. My MM has loved me like crazy. I don't know if I have ever seen a man love anyone like he has loved me.

 

I don't think that is the problem. I think the issue is that there might be other things closer to his heart than the love for a woman. Things that matter more to him. In which case the problem would not be that he did not love me enough, but that he did not love the love for a woman enough.

[VictoryisMine]

I cannot imagine.

 

Mine only 7 months, as you might know, and long distance at that. Not looking good.

 

I can't say i know what almost 4 years feels like, but i know the pain, but to times that by 4 years...... I cannot imagine.

 

You have my support, and can call me friend on this site

[jennie-jennie]

I cannot imagine.

 

Mine only 7 months, as you might know, and long distance at that. Not looking good.

 

I can't say i know what almost 4 years feels like, but i know the pain, but to times that by 4 years...... I cannot imagine.

 

You have my support, and can call me friend on this site

 

I am honored to be your friend. I need friends in a time like this.

[whichwayisup]

Because you still need to function, for your kids sake, please go to your Dr and get on some anti-D's to help you through this. Even talking to a therapist can help you stay strong and on the road of recovery..

[jennie-jennie]

Because you still need to function, for your kids sake, please go to your Dr and get on some anti-D's to help you through this. Even talking to a therapist can help you stay strong and on the road of recovery..

 

I sure as h@ll am not going to go on ADs. I have combated OCD and hepatitis treatment without AD, I am not going to go there now. I did my amount of drugs taking the illegal ones, I am not going to take the ones that are legal, no way.

 

My kids managed with their mom being down and out for 1 1/2 years of hepatitis treatment, they will manage through this.

 

I understand you say this out of well-meaning, but I am just not going to go there.

[whichwayisup]

It's Ok I understand, meds are not for everyone.. I wouldn't ever take them unless it was a last resort. I have suffered from bouts of anxiety and never taken anything for it. Yoga, mediation, exercise, helps and ofcourse some good old CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).

 

Take care of you JJ..

[Devil Inside]

Movingforward, I don't think I agree with that quote. My MM has loved me like crazy. I don't know if I have ever seen a man love anyone like he has loved me.

 

I don't think that is the problem. I think the issue is that there might be other things closer to his heart than the love for a woman. Things that matter more to him. In which case the problem would not be that he did not love me enough, but that he did not love the love for a woman enough.

 

I will probably say this sentence about a thousand times on these boards..mostly because I need to hear them to.

 

Love is unconditional...relationships are not.

 

Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone you can not be together for other reasons.

 

I know others would argue. They would say if you loved "enough" you would make it work. In my opinion love is not something you can quantify. It is limitless. You can love more than one person, and I don't think you can measure how much you love anyone.

 

Sometimes love is not enough...doesn't mean you love them any less...it just works that way sometimes.

[Devil Inside]

It's Ok I understand, meds are not for everyone.. I wouldn't ever take them unless it was a last resort. I have suffered from bouts of anxiety and never taken anything for it. Yoga, mediation, exercise, helps and ofcourse some good old CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy).

 

Take care of you JJ..

 

Yes there are many other ways to feel better that do not involve meds. I agree with you WWIU...Jennie make sure that you take care of you so you can take care of those kids.

 

Promise? OK.

[Confused4Now]

Confused4Now, I am glad to see you did the right thing - got out of your marriage. Before the affair how did you feel about your marriage? Were you happy or unhappy then?

 

I just can't understand these men (like my MM) who have a fullblown relationship on every level - sexual, emotional, intellectual, romantic, physical - and yet they stay in their marriages. "I love my wife" - BS. You WISH you still loved your wife so you could be Mr Perfect Guy. Unless you are polygamous there is only room for one such relationship at a time in a person's life. Get real!

I was married for 21 years...I knew within the first 2 years this was not going to work.....I think the only reason we lasted as long as we did was my ex never worked a reqular shift the whole time we were married. She worked graveyard for 13 years and the remainder of our marriage on swing shift. Which would explain why I'm so connected to my children I pretty much raised them. Whenever I had free time I was doing sports(softball,BBall) to keep busy. Then I meet my MW 4 years ago.....It was emotional connection in the biggest way. You could say I was kinda happy before she came along. I was pretty much doing my thing anyway. Once I knew I was in love with my MW....it was clear to me that I didn't want what I had in my marriage.

 

Yes I was a cake eater for a couple of years....but I decided there was more to life and the LOVE I had with my MW was what I wanted in my life. So I walked away from everything and my MW didn't pretty much do anything. So what I'm trying to say....is I guess i wasn't in love with my wife cause I married her for the wrong reasons....she was pregnant with my first child only after dating 1 or 2 months. Not a good way to start a marriage....

[jennie-jennie]

"Once I knew I was in love with my MW....it was clear to me that I didn't want what I had in my marriage."

 

Confused4Now, it is so refreshing to hear a story like yours from a man. So there are men who value love. And now you are stuck waiting for a MW? What can I say? Life sucks sometimes.

 

I wonder, can you really fall totally in love and sustain a longterm relationship if you have what you want in your marriage? To me it seems like once this happens you have moved on. I guess my MM would not agree with me on that. Oh, he knows he is missing some things in his marriage, but he is hoping he can live without them. Time will tell. I hope he is wrong.

 

It is interesting to me that you say you were "kinda happy" when your MW came along. My MM was not unhappy when we got in contact. He stated in his first email to me that he was "happily married". Yet very soon thereafter he was totally in love with me (again) and pursuing me wildly.

 

"I decided there was more to life and the LOVE I had with my MW was what I wanted in my life."

 

I love your thinking and wish my MM thought more like you. Did you not feel bad "breaking your vows"? Had your children grown up by this time?

[Confused4Now]

"Once I knew I was in love with my MW....it was clear to me that I didn't want what I had in my marriage."

 

Confused4Now, it is so refreshing to hear a story like yours from a man. So there are men who value love. And now you are stuck waiting for a MW? What can I say? Life sucks sometimes.

 

I wonder, can you really fall totally in love and sustain a longterm relationship if you have what you want in your marriage? To me it seems like once this happens you have moved on. I guess my MM would not agree with me on that. Oh, he knows he is missing some things in his marriage, but he is hoping he can live without them. Time will tell. I hope he is wrong.

 

It is interesting to me that you say you were "kinda happy" when your MW came along. My MM was not unhappy when we got in contact. He stated in his first email to me that he was "happily married". Yet very soon thereafter he was totally in love with me (again) and pursuing me wildly.

 

"I decided there was more to life and the LOVE I had with my MW was what I wanted in my life."

 

I love your thinking and wish my MM thought more like you. Did you not feel bad "breaking your vows"? Had your children grown up by this time?

I can only regret that I didn't leave my marriage sooner on my own terms....it's kinda sad that it took my MW to be the catalyst for me leaving my marriage. As for being stuck I can assure you going NC was the hardest thing I did in my life....I MEAN HARDEST....I started dating, working out being more at peace with myself but for the most part I was doing me.... During this time I got strong enough to know what I wanted in my life. 3 months later she contacts me and tells me she's getting out...she's in the process of filing her papers and she's told her kids about me.

 

But this news has not stopped from continuing to stay in a good place. This is something she has to do and do for herself. I told her ideally I would like her divorce to be final before we can come out like normal honest people. So I'm very guarded and I keep her at arms length.

 

When I say kinda happy I was referring to living my dream...meaning having a great job, 3 children, big house, just everything in that sense.

 

As for breaking my Vows....I know I made my vows to a woman I didn't really know or love. I guess back in the day I was just happy to know I was going to be a daddy.

All my kids are with me...22 and 19 year boys...and 80% custody of my 13 year old daughter. It was my 13 year old daughter that talked me getting out of a abusive marriage.

 

As for my MW I don't know what the future brings....I've left it in God's hands. I gave it up to him a long time ago.

[jennie-jennie]

C4N, wow, I can't imagine doing NC if not forced to. :bunny: I'd say life is looking pretty good for you. You seem to stand steadily on the ground whatever will come.

[Confused4Now]

C4N, wow, I can't imagine doing NC if not forced to. :bunny: I'd say life is looking pretty good for you. You seem to stand steadily on the ground whatever will come.

All I can say there are great people on this board who have a lot of experience....there was a lot of tough love and it hurt a lot too!!!. I can assure you I will never go back to that mess I was in last and some of this year. It was horrible. I really know what I want and I won't ever again settle. I did it for 21 years....life is to short and you get only one shot at it.