3 months of NC starting today

[georgia girl]

Jennie-Jennie,

 

Your posts about no contact brought up an illusion I used to do with myself when I went no contact with my commitment phobe. I used to envision that I had one "Contact Him" card. I only got to play it once. If I used it today, I couldn't use it again. Therefore, every time I got really weak, I'd remember that this was a single-use card. If I blew it and didn't get what I wanted this time, then I couldn't ever go there again. It helped to keep me strong.

 

The other thing that I knew from reading on the breaking up boards was that with no contact is that when you break it and don't get the response you want, you're even in a worse state than before that overwhelming urge to contact hit. I didn't want to feel worse so I just didn't do it.

 

Hope these tips help. I wish you well.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

A fella by the name of No Foolin' wrote this afew years ago..Has helped many.. JJ and anyone else in NC mode, get comfy and read!

[jennie-jennie]

Georgia girl, thank you for the tips. I can verify their correctness since I did call my MM within 24 hours of NC. I did not get the response I wanted, and it felt so humiliating so it is keeping me from breaking NC again. I figure I have already played out my one-time contact card. Yuck!

[jennie-jennie]

All I can say there are great people on this board who have a lot of experience....there was a lot of tough love and it hurt a lot too!!!. I can assure you I will never go back to that mess I was in last and some of this year. It was horrible. I really know what I want and I won't ever again settle. I did it for 21 years....life is to short and you get only one shot at it.[/QUOTE]

 

Your words are very strengthening to me.

 

MM settles with the marriage, OW settles with the affair. We should all learn not to settle. I settled for 25 years with a relationship that gave me way less than the EMR has done. How difficult is it not when the alternative seems to be nothing. When the pain of losing what you have even though it is not enough is so strong.

 

"I decided there was more to life and the LOVE I had with my MW was what I wanted in my life."

 

You say this, and yet you manage to live without it. You are so strong.

 

I see clearer now with NC what I want. But how to live without it? I am being torn up inside.

[Devil Inside]

Jennie how are you doing today?

 

I can see you struggling...I know he is the love of your life. You know it occurred to me reading another of your posts how he means a lot to you on many levels. He was the love of your youth..and in a way connected to that time period. I wonder what that may represent for you?

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie how are you doing today?

 

I can see you struggling...I know he is the love of your life. You know it occurred to me reading another of your posts how he means a lot to you on many levels. He was the love of your youth..and in a way connected to that time period. I wonder what that may represent for you?

 

I am doing better today, DI. Still tearing up inside, but found some balance. Made dinner, shopped groceries, washed laundry, mailed some letters. Hurting but managing.

 

I got lost on my way in young adulthood. I went with the dangerous guys, I did the dangerous stuff, a lot of bad stuff happened to me.

 

Then when MM and I got in contact again, it was so strange to see how similar we were. Much more than I could remember or even knew about in my youth. I learnt to know him so much more in depth now. To realize that that young innocent girl of 15 must have a lot in common with this middle aged battered-of-life woman. To realize that because I twice in a lifetime fell in love head-over-heals with the same man. So much of what is me must have been present already at that young age.

 

MM had had a very calm life. He described it as if we started out together and then had very different life experiences only to find our way back to each other, and yet be so strangely compatible.

 

Is he the love of my life? Now you got me thinking. I kind of believe in serial monogamy throughout life. That at one point a relationship might have fullfilled its function in your life. Perhaps he is the love of my life. For sure he is the one and only guy I have met where I feel there is room for all of me, all sides of me, without restraint. He accepts and loves everything with me. The sides I have which some men find boring, like loving to discuss things at length, how can he find them boring since he is like that himself?

 

He described it like this once. He would be standing in a large crowd. Something would be happening up front, something big. He would look around and his eyes would fall on me. He would look into my eyes and know that we were thinking the same.

[Devil Inside]

I am doing better today, DI. Still tearing up inside, but found some balance. Made dinner, shopped groceries, washed laundry, mailed some letters. Hurting but managing.

 

I got lost on my way in young adulthood. I went with the dangerous guys, I did the dangerous stuff, a lot of bad stuff happened to me.

 

Then when MM and I got in contact again, it was so strange to see how similar we were. Much more than I could remember or even knew about in my youth. I learnt to know him so much more in depth now. To realize that that young innocent girl of 15 must have a lot in common with this middle aged battered-of-life woman. To realize that because I twice in a lifetime fell in love head-over-heals with the same man. So much of what is me must have been present already at that young age.

 

MM had had a very calm life. He described it as if we started out together and then had very different life experiences only to find our way back to each other, and yet be so strangely compatible.

 

Is he the love of my life? Now you got me thinking. I kind of believe in serial monogamy throughout life. That at one point a relationship might have fullfilled its function in your life. Perhaps he is the love of my life. For sure he is the one and only guy I have met where I feel there is room for all of me, all sides of me, without restraint. He accepts and loves everything with me. The sides I have which some men find boring, like loving to discuss things at length, how can he find them boring since he is like that himself?

 

He described it like this once. He would be standing in a large crowd. Something would be happening up front, something big. He would look around and his eyes would fall on me. He would look into my eyes and know that we were thinking the same.

 

I am glad to hear you are coping...it's the best that can be expected this early on.

 

So I would surmise that he really connects you to a part of yourself that you lost. A part that you had to "bury" because it with a way to survive when all the bad stuff was happening.

 

So years later you reconnect. He accepts and connects with all your sides...including the lost ones. He makes you feel whole. This is a very powerful experience. It is certainly something that is hard to let go of. I know...I had a similar experience in some ways.

 

I think the key is to not let ourselves lose what we regained in these relationships. When I broke up with my xOW she told me that I was the most amazing man she ever knew. I told her that was only because she brought that out in me...that before her I was quite ordinary. She told me that she fell in love with me then...and that I was the same man now...and that with or without her I would always be that person.

 

I strive to always be that amazing man....with or without her (gosh I need U2 in the background here ). Do not let those parts of you that he brought out go back into hiding. You do not need someone else to validate all of you...you need to just accept it is who you are...even the boring parts.

 

I struggle with this myself. Part of my work is being honest with myself. I need to always challenge myself in my marriage. Am I being me. Am I accepting myself...all of me. Can I do that in this marriage. If I can't..I will walk.

 

Continue to plug along there Jennie. You are in my thoughts. If you need some words of comfort or support you know where to find me, and for what it's worth, I love that boring side of you too.

[whattodonow12]

Jennie-Jennie.. I am new here as of today. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I wish you much luck. I too am heading into the NC part. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. It just stinks.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie-Jennie.. I am new here as of today. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. I wish you much luck. I too am heading into the NC part. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. It just stinks.

 

Welcome to LS! So you are in NC-hell too. It helps to post. It is what is keeping me floating. What is your story? Why are you heading into NC? I will check and see if you have already posted it.

[Confused4Now]

"I decided there was more to life and the LOVE I had with my MW was what I wanted in my life."

 

You say this, and yet you manage to live without it. You are so strong.

 

 

I say this cause I've lived in a marriage for 21 years without knowing what real LOVE was...until MW came into my life. So yes I lived without it for a long time...but as I said earlier....I know what I want now. I know someday....I can find that love again with someone.

[jennie-jennie]

I say this cause I've lived in a marriage for 21 years without knowing what real LOVE was...until MW came into my life. So yes I lived without it for a long time...but as I said earlier....I know what I want now. I know someday....I can find that love again with someone.

 

Hey, how old are you? What's your phone number? Just kidding. But I know exactly what you mean.

[VictoryisMine]

Jennie, i know in my gut your MM will call you before the 3 months is up.

 

IF he does, start writing stuff down. I know we have a million thoughts, start writing them down.

 

Then kinda draft it, short but to the point kind of...

 

Just like georgia girl suggested, the 'one card'.... one chance...

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, i know in my gut your MM will call you before the 3 months is up.

 

IF he does, start writing stuff down. I know we have a million thoughts, start writing them down.

 

Then kinda draft it, short but to the point kind of...

 

Just like georgia girl suggested, the 'one card'.... one chance...

 

Victory! You were right! MM broke NC today! :love: :bunny:

[MistyK]

JJ - is that good thing? It's the same old pattern that you guys can't make it more than 3 days. I mean, I know you miss him, but he needed the 3 months to make up his mind. Surely he hasn't made it up and is just resuming the same old pattern. I hope you ignored his call, as hard as that is. You have to break the pattern or he'll keep you on the side forever. He was the one who wanted NC to go be with his W, what would happen if you made him stick with it for the 3 months?

[jennie-jennie]

Misty, I never thought the 3 months of NC was a good idea. I told him so before we started NC but he insisted on it. I respected his need for it. I did everything in my might to conform to his wish. I am not going to keep him now to something I did not like to start with.

 

Of course I understand the danger that we might fall into the same pattern as before. Well, one thing has definitely changed. His plan was to sooner or later do this 3 month NC to work on his marriage. That chance is forever lost now. I will not grant him that again.

[Devil Inside]

Well, one thing has definitely changed. His plan was to sooner or later do this 3 month NC to work on his marriage. That chance is forever lost now. I will not grant him that again.

 

So do you mean that if he asked for you to wait 3 months again you wouldn't? Or that you would contact him?

[jennie-jennie]

So do you mean that if he asked for you to wait 3 months again you wouldn't? Or that you would contact him?

 

Never again will I voluntarily enter through the doors to NC hell.

[jennie-jennie]

To clarify, so noone misunderstands, if MM ends our relationship, I will of course respect that. I am not going to go chasing a man who does not want me.

[Devil Inside]

Never again will I voluntarily enter through the doors to NC hell.

 

So at this point the options are continue the A or he leaves his wife, but if he decides to do NC to work on his marriage you are gone?

 

I ask because if this is the case I do not think he will ever leave his wife or end the A because then he will lose you.

[VictoryisMine]

Lol, Jennie, i know the feeling. Hope all goes well!

[NoIDidn't]

So at this point the options are continue the A or he leaves his wife, but if he decides to do NC to work on his marriage you are gone?

 

I ask because if this is the case I do not think he will ever leave his wife or end the A because then he will lose you.

 

I agree. I think after three days of silence he needed his marital aid again, so he broke NC and called.

 

This is usually how d-days occur. For a couple of days they are loving and attentive, but the BS is suspicious because its been awhile that the WS has behaved in this manner. And then the WS decides "what's the point, since they aren't responding to my attentiveness", and breaks NC.

 

This is one of the reasons why some BSs feel that wanting to leave the marriage comes "out of the blue" because for that period that the WS tried to re-commit to the marriage. And because its "out of the blue" the BS starts to search for the reasons behind it.

 

I don't think this guy has the chutpah to leave his marriage, nor any real inclination. I think he is going to convince you to go back to the way things were, the affair, and that will be that - if you allow it.

[jennie-jennie]

So at this point the options are continue the A or he leaves his wife, but if he decides to do NC to work on his marriage you are gone?

 

I ask because if this is the case I do not think he will ever leave his wife or end the A because then he will lose you.

 

I agree. I think after three days of silence he needed his marital aid again, so he broke NC and called.

 

This is usually how d-days occur. For a couple of days they are loving and attentive, but the BS is suspicious because its been awhile that the WS has behaved in this manner. And then the WS decides "what's the point, since they aren't responding to my attentiveness", and breaks NC.

 

This is one of the reasons why some BSs feel that wanting to leave the marriage comes "out of the blue" because for that period that the WS tried to re-commit to the marriage. And because its "out of the blue" the BS starts to search for the reasons behind it.

 

I don't think this guy has the chutpah to leave his marriage, nor any real inclination. I think he is going to convince you to go back to the way things were, the affair, and that will be that - if you allow it.

 

I wonder about the "loving and attentive" part. I don't believe my MM got that far. His own comment was that he was not "doing so well on the marriage thing". "All that has changed is I am home more."

 

A very interesting comment he made is that what he really would need now is to go NC with his wife. He knows now he cannot do without me. Can he do without his wife? Is that why some MM leave their wife only to go straight back to her? was his question, because in going NC with their wife they realize they can not live without her.

 

I believe he is on to something here. His need is not to go NC with me, because now he knows how that feels. His need is to go NC with his wife, but unfortunately society does not allow him that. Not without taking the step into separation and divorce. It is not like his wife would be as tolerant and cooperative as I have been to the idea of NC, and for good reasons.

 

So I don't know how we progress from here. We both agree that we do not want to simply go back to where we were. Our original plan was to spend more time together because we are in a long distance relationship and then next summer do this NC/work on marriage thing. Now our plans were changed because I pressed on us doing the NC right away. So we both agree that work on marriage is out of the picture. That is not going to happen unless he and I split up. I suggested we concentrate on spending more time together and then at one point he will have to take the leap.

 

It IS scary that we might just be back into the EMR and limbo. But all we can do is try to learn from the NC and go from here. I don't believe additional NC would have moved us closer to a solution, only added to the pain.

 

His anxiety concerns leaving the life he knows in which he lives fulltime with his children. How would he find out more about how he would manage to handle that by being in NC with me?

[whattodonow12]

good luck, JJ. I hope everything works out for you. Gosh, this is just so similar to me.. I say again. The only difference lies in what happened last week with the supposed "email outing." I do believe that he is/was in panic/survival mode and horribly handled things. I do believe that to be cowardly. I appreciate your support and comments too.

[NoIDidn't]

His anxiety concerns leaving the life he knows in which he lives fulltime with his children. How would he find out more about how he would manage to handle that by being in NC with me?

 

He ain't leaving. Sorry.

 

He just threw in the biggest of the BIG excuses to doing so: his kids. And I can empathize with him. I see my daughter get up every morning and hug and kiss my H before he goes to work. She also says "see you later, because I know you will be back and this isn't good bye". My H LOVES that. He even waits for her if he is running late.

 

If your MM has experiences like that with his kids (the living with them, waking up with them, etc., etc.), then I don't see him being able to figure out life without it right now.

 

I can understand and sympathize with where you are, but the truth is, he needs NC with you to figure out his home situation. Its none of your concern as you aren't a part of it. I didn't realize you were long distance. That's even worse. You have nothing to do with his home life - W, kids, finances, mutual friends with W, neighbors, inlaws, etc.. Sorry.

 

Its obvious that you want more from this relationship and that you pushed him to the NC thing to hopefully *help* him see that he needs you more. I know you felt completely validated when he broke the NC three days into it. What I don't think you realize is that you are likely in the beginning of the end of this A. The draw of his kids. The long distance. It doesn't bode well for you.

[jennie-jennie]

He ain't leaving. Sorry.

 

He just threw in the biggest of the BIG excuses to doing so: his kids. And I can empathize with him. I see my daughter get up every morning and hug and kiss my H before he goes to work. She also says "see you later, because I know you will be back and this isn't good bye". My H LOVES that. He even waits for her if he is running late.

 

If your MM has experiences like that with his kids (the living with them, waking up with them, etc., etc.), then I don't see him being able to figure out life without it right now.

 

I can understand and sympathize with where you are, but the truth is, he needs NC with you to figure out his home situation. Its none of your concern as you aren't a part of it. I didn't realize you were long distance. That's even worse. You have nothing to do with his home life - W, kids, finances, mutual friends with W, neighbors, inlaws, etc.. Sorry.

 

Its obvious that you want more from this relationship and that you pushed him to the NC thing to hopefully *help* him see that he needs you more. I know you felt completely validated when he broke the NC three days into it. What I don't think you realize is that you are likely in the beginning of the end of this A. The draw of his kids. The long distance. It doesn't bode well for you.

 

He did NOT throw in the excuse about the kids now. I said that in my post here, not he.

 

I did not push him into NC. He has been the one demanding NC. I reluctantly agreed to it because I felt it was a strong need of his to work on the marriage. The only thing I pushed was the TIME to do so.

 

It was 5 days, not 3. If you ever had done NC, you would have known that each day counts.

 

He does not need NC to figure out his home situation. He is not in love with his wife anymore. He loves her as a partner and a friend, yes, but he is not in love with her. What he realized during this time of NC was that I am "the centre of his world" even when he has no contact with me. I am not something on the fringe which can be easily cut away. He couldn't manage without me. His question is still can he manage without his wife. Again: how would he find that out by going NC with me?

 

You might be right in that he is never leaving, but try to get the facts straight at least.