when does the pain go away? i cant stop. doing the wrong things!

[caseymw25]

im doing all the wrong things 6 years with him and our baby and i keep on pushing myself and hes talking to another girl. pleading my case and everything. im making it worse. how do you cope and get over it when you have a child with that person? this will be my sons first halloween and it just kills me that we wont be going together as a family out. i cant go NC and i want him back. this is absolutly killing me. i have to work and come home to our child. and hes in school and talking to this girl. i was being a door mat up until this second. its been almost 2 months and im still in hell! i feel like this is going to haunt me forever. since i have to see him. then wonder what hes doing with her!! help!!!!!!

[It's Me]

Ask him straight up what this other woman is to him. And no matter what accept the truth. With a child involved NC is a difficult choice. You'll just have to be adult about it. No matter what happens you need to understand that there is always happiness if you keep moving forward. Look yourself in the mirror and be happy with who you are. Not all relationships are meant to be. I've learned that recently. Life is about being happy with yourself. Be a strong woman and a strong man will come. The right man for you.

[caseymw25]

he has said that she is just a friend but yet a month ago not even a month after we broke up he let her give him oral!!!!!!!! slut!! then they constanly txt and call all the time. he had taken her to the movies, lunch, dinner. things we didnt do that ofter becuase of our child and i had kicked him out. i think he is seeking his hapiness with her. he says she paid he own tickets on all that but whatever. i dunno he doesnt have that much money cause he living at home with his parents almost 27 and shes 23 with a 3 year old girl and her own place and college. rich family apparently. im also 23. i just cant believe this. he was my first love as the same with him. so he has said repeatedly that he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me nor anyone else but if he were it would be me? im going to take care of myself from now on and my son. its just hard because shes in the middle. and i dont want them to end up having a relationship and then boom here i am having to pass my child over to him and her. OMG! he would be repeating his history all over again. he has a child by another woman who took off with that kid to another state. she has him on child support but he cant pay. cause hes broke. he said that thru txt last night he knows how it feels being heart broken cause i did it to him but i came back. everything happens for a reason is what he said in the txt.. and the ending was bad for us. i just want to make up for it. i want my family back. AM I CRAZY?!! we have such a long history.

[almita]

Hello my dear

 

It sounds as if you are having a really bad time but you have to remember that you are not alone you have your CHILD and take it from me (I once was a child in a complicated family) you have to do EVERYTHING you can for your child to NOT feel the crisis !!!!!! If you love your child (and I am sure you do) make sure he/she is happy ABOVE all.

 

If he had sex (or other) with another woman let him go for the time being. It will be very hard for you to have a normal relationship with him and NOT think of him cheating you.

 

You are not alone, you have child who needs you and who needs you with a sane head and that child is far more important than him !!!

 

I do understand that you suffer trust me I can feel your pain and I know it is a situation I do not wish on anybody, I also know that it is easier said than done but try and seek help from friends or your family if that is possible.

 

Don't feel like you are alone, you have this wonderful forum and MOST OF ALL you have your child !

 

Hugs

Almita

[caseymw25]

yes i know hes 9 months old right now, so i know he sees me crying when i do and it hurts. but it seems as if my ex is playing with me to keep me on strings so he can have his cake and eat it to. like i asked him if he wanted to spend time with our son tonight and he said "why what do you have going on" and i said nothing just want you to spend time with your son, he said well call me after you get off work "i dunno". WTF?!

[ecm]

Casey- it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of obstacles. You have a new baby, you're both in school, and you were both living with your mom. Now, during a rough patch, he is living with his parents. That is a lot to handle-for both of you!

 

I didn't have my coffee yet, so I'm going to write in outline form b/c I'm too sleepy to try to make this "flow"

 

I'm curious about a few things:

 

#1) Is the argument (about him not helping) what initiated his not wanting to be in a relationship, or were you having problems before?

 

#2) When did you see it in his phone? Was he talking to this girl before he said he needed a break or after?

 

Right now this probably seems like the worst thing that has ever happened. You're going nuts, wanting to control everything, wanting to be able to fix things and make it go back to how it was. I think most of us have been through this. I've yet to have a baby involved in the mix, but I've been through it, too.

 

I was with my first serious boyfriend for 6 years on and off. (not the recent one who made me google stuff that led me to this site) Everything was "perfect" with us. After about a year, I was 19 (and a commitment phobe). Every time things got close, I ran. He was a great guy. Anyway, I would need a break, but then I would not like it when he met someone else. He dated around. He hooked up with a girl who is honestly one of the most beautiful girls I have eve seen! Imagine that? OMG did I flip. No way will he be back, right? (Not that I'm unattractive, but this girl was like model-hot). So, he's out doing his thing, and I'm dying. But guess what? He came back. He loved me and she wasn't me.

 

It sounds like your guy has control over NOTHING in his life. To most people, that would suck. So, he is saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's exercising his freedom. The girl doesn't really matter. It could be be anyone. Whatever he is doing with her is just a way for him to "be free" for a bit. She has a place of her own, so he gets to feel like he's a big boy. She probably doesn't nag him because she doesn't HAVE TO. I know it's the hardest thing to picture them with someone else, and that it's ALWAYS on our minds. But, if she is the "tool" that makes him realize what he has with you... let it happen.

 

If you are meant to be, you'll be. He needs his space. He needs to have the freedom to learn that you are who he wants to be with, so LET HIM. With my CURRENT breakup, I had the chance to see what was out there. I hooked up with guys who were a WAY better catch than my ex. People on the outside would think I'm NUTS for wanting him over these guys. But people on the outside really don't matter.

 

So, don't beg and plead. It will push him away. It is the hardest thing to do!! I am all about telling people what's on my mind, so I struggle with this. I also want to fix things, so I struggle with just letting it happen. You just have to allow yourself to sit back and let things happen- as sh*tty as it feels right now.

 

Don't beg, don't plead. Look hot whenever you see him. Act like you don't care...even if you have to go in the house and bash your head against a wall afterwards.

 

I believe you can write the ending to this story.

[caseymw25]

you are very right, but his past is complicated his 1st babys mother left him at 3 months old with the baby and he didnt see her again for 3 years, thats when the babys mother came and she wanted to be with him but he was with me, so she went ahead put him on child support and fled again. He was heart broken, so since then we have been together for 6 years i had my baby and kinda went coocoo after broke up with him 3 times i dont know why i guess it was frustration cause he wasnt helping and my mother was breathing down my back cause of that and so i took it out on him, pushed him away. said bad things i wish i hadnt of like saying this relationship has been over for 1 1/2 when it hadnt. i just started neglecting him, and not being myself. thats what lead to me then kicking him out, then after his 1st semester in his 2nd he broke up with me, saying he didnt want to be in a relationship and this girl came in on the phone records 2 days b4 he broke up with me, they have been talking now for 2months. he comes over and says he is unfortunatley still in love with me. that hurts. and says he wants to marry me and just said maybe god is testing us? but wont say i love you and wont kiss me. but will do anything else! i just dont understand it and they txt alot. hes not with her at night hes always at home. she just sees him i guess 3 days a week. oh execept he did go to her house 1 saturday like 3 weeks ago. i just am so confused. i think that if she was out of the picture he would be back with me. i dunno. im so confused. i guess im just going to roll with the punches and see what happens. and your right it does kill me. i push myself on him. and he backs off. i know i need to stop!

[ecm]

You had the right to be angry. He wasn't helping. Eh.

 

She doesn't matter to him. She is just a pawn.

 

He says he loves you. Now sit back & play it cool. The sooner you stop pushing yourself on him, the sooner he'll realize where he needs to be.

 

BUT- when he does come back- you need to have a serious talk about helping. He sounds kind of nervy, to be staying at your moms and not helping. Wouldn't you bend over backwards to help if you were staying at HIS parents' house?

 

what are some good qualities he has?

[caseymw25]

we have been back and forth for 6 years i lived with his parents for awhile and i did bend over backwards. he is a great guy hes very smart and caring. but im just afraid he wont be back he said i emotionally pushed him away. he wont kiss me or tell me he loves me when i say it back. but when we have discussions about the break up he says he does love me. im a good woman i just made mistakes after we had our child. it was my first i guess i flipped. but he snapped me out of it with this break up. and i know this girl may not matter to him but what if he ends up falling for her? i mean its crazy! he will talk to her her all the time but me, nope. we did have our own apartment twice i was pregnant through the 2nd one and i decided that we should move back with my mom so our baby would have a room and i had medical bills out the butt! the whole situation has just made me so sick, i try to play it cool but its sooooo difficult. like do i wait for him to call me? i dont want him to distance himself from me like he already has.

[ecm]

You have to distance yourself as much as possible, since NC is obviously not an option w/ the baby. It's the only way for him to realize he misses you. The no kissing? I think it's a control thing. He has control over nothing major in his life, so he has this... for now. You are showing him you want him. He knows he has you by the...Stop trying to kiss him and he'll be like "wtf?!"

[caseymw25]

your right that is a good idea. i guess just fake it til you make it? like hide my emotions from him but show him that i still care? i hope he comes to grips and realize im not the other baby mother that effed up! im not her i take our son over to see him. he needs to. she has him on child support. i wont. its crazy. i just hope he snaps out of this not wanting to be in a relationship and comes back. but if he does what about this girl. she wants him. and yet he still talks to her. thats like leading her on isnt it?! i wish i could see there txt messages!!!!

[ecm]

whoooooooa, Nelly. I don't have any kids, so maybe this makes me unqualified to say this, but I'll take a chances.... you make it sound like child support is a punishment. It's his responsibility- just like it was his responsibility to HELP at your Mom's house.

 

Now, it might not be the smaraaaaatest thing to run out to court to fill out the papers if you are hoping to get him back..you'd definitely get an adverse reaction. But please don't let him off the hook just to seem like a btter woman than his ex. You are already.

 

How do men trick women into thinking that they SHOULDN'T be required to pay? jheesh.

[caseymw25]

i honestly feel like i dont shouldnt because i wouldnt get anything from him anyway. the other mom doesnt cause he struggles with jobs. i work full time and hes the one in school trying to better himself. i just dont know. he does help me when i ask for it. but i have the urge to tell him hey i made a serious mistake by kicking you out please come home and we can work on this! but i know he will say no. it just kills me!!!!! i dont see him having a future with her. but if that happens im screwed out of all the family things i wanted to do! i messed up!!

[caseymw25]

I Did it!! gah i tried not to, but he called me to say hi, and i asked him that if he wanted to to come home. he said no. it hurts so bad!! i told him i made a huge mistake by kicking him out. but he said no. and then wanted to get off the phone! god i cant stop!!!!!!!!!!!!! i try not to beg and be sad but i fail every time!

[gavinus]

A wise friend of mine said to me "a smart person learns from their mistakes". Just because it may take more than one mistake to learn its ok.....its when you keep doing the same mistake over and over again, thats when it is not smart. You have seen how you have been, so now do the opposite. Trust me, I am a guy, nothing, I repeat NOTHING is more attractive than the appearance of somebody getting on with their own life. If you appear, not caring, strong, sexy, full of self respect etc you will end up believing it and then you will end up being it!!! Learn from your mistakes, get some self respect if not for you then for your child and go out and .....win. You can do it, one step at a time, every if its on the phone talking to him at first, a little every day. you can do it!! once you hit rock bottom you can't go any lower! good luck

[caseymw25]

so last night he came over and we spent time together we played with our baby, watched the football game and then we had sex, but im still not showing i "care now" not pushing myself on him, it was just relaxing yesterday basically. So im so confused? is he just using me? hes still in love with me. its like even when were not together he calls me just to say hi. so But WERE NOT TOGETHER?! do i just keep this going? look hot show i dont care, make conversation and still have sex with him? we love each other. but ontop of all that my mother is kinda nutto so she was bitching the whole time he was there. i feel stuck even tho she helps me she is a really unhappy person. cause she doesnt have a car her b/f took off with it and gave it to his new g/f and now hes in jail and she cant get it back cause his name is on the title. shes stuck in the house all day, has low self-esteem and when im happy she bitches it seems that way anyways. i just need to get out i wish and start my life but im piled up with bills. it seems thats the only way im going to be able to have a real relationship with him. is for everyone else to but out! moving back was a mistake.

[caseymw25]

i think im literally breaking down mentally. he came over last night to mow our lawn and then see our baby then left, waited in bed for a txt good night anything but nothing. he is at school today so i know he sees her. im at work right now thinking im having panic attacks, couldnt breath, thought seriously about going to the hospital. so i called my mom she calmed me down a little. i just dont know what to do. please help. i feel like i cant go through this work full time, have our baby, and on top of that be in stress with debt and my mother bitching at me because shes unhappy with life. i think im going to break down. i need someone to talk to me!

[ecm]

We all make mistakes. I've continued to hook up with my ex on previous occasions thinking "this time, he'll realize...." So, don't take these questions as juudgemenetal, b/c that's not my intention

 

1) do you feel worse than you did before you slept with him the other day?

 

2)Did his behavior or attitude toward change after you slept together?

 

In my case he answer for #1 was always yes- I felt worse and #2 was that is didn't change.

 

sleeping with someone is not "NC". Only talking to him about the baby is what you should be doing.

 

If you don't like the way you are feeling right no, you need to modify your behavior and make different choices.

 

Gotta run back to work, so sorry it's so direct. xo

[caseymw25]

both of those questions you were right were yes. i broke again and called and asked if he wanted to go to lunch, he said ok. so we did. small talk not much to say. it just sucks. he talked about getting his own place and going to school still, and getting a part time job. so i guess he is slowly fading away from me. i dont know. i just hate getting a hug. no kiss oh well no i love you oh well. i just need to work on myself i know. i am now down to 100 lbs. and i know i am sick. i just wish i could get over this. i dont understand him. he said i look boney. that hurt but i know its the truth so he must be turned off by the way my body looks now i guess. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!!!!!

[ecm]

both of those questions you were right were yes. i broke again and called and asked if he wanted to go to lunch, he said ok. so we did. small talk not much to say. it just sucks. he talked about getting his own place and going to school still, and getting a part time job. so i guess he is slowly fading away from me. i dont know. i just hate getting a hug. no kiss oh well no i love you oh well. i just need to work on myself i know. i am now down to 100 lbs. and i know i am sick. i just wish i could get over this. i dont understand him. he said i look boney. that hurt but i know its the truth so he must be turned off by the way my body looks now i guess. DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!!!!!

 

Um... you expect me to feel bad that you weigh 100 pounds? LOL I have about 30 you can have!!!!!!!

 

He doesn't have to fade away... I truly believe you can HELP choose the way this "ends".... and it's not by giving it up, girl! (I AM 100% guilty of every mistake I advise against, too. I promise you that. But every time I see someone else doing it, and I think "wtf?!" it makes it easier to point thee "wtf ?!" back at myself.

 

I hate, hate, HATE to use "played out" cliches or phrases but this one came to mind when I read that you had engaged in some "activities"...

 

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". You have to change it up...or the only one to blame is YOU.

[anne1]

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". You have to change it up...or the only one to blame is YOU.

 

Hey I love that, its the sunday rejection,,,,,,,,,,,,,, this week he will love being with me so much he will want me around all the time. I wont give him any grief he will see he is missing me and the fantastic sex...............wrong, he will only realise when he is horny again and wants some company, he will lose respect for you cos you are his doormat............ you are so desperate you will run when he whistles and he knows it, I did the same hoping he would realise i was there for him no matter how he treated me...................... In the end i was so low that i had to stop him whistling cos i knew i would run like a puppy dog, fulfill all his needs and then be left desperatly unhappy and crying until he whistled again.

 

If i had any respect for myself i would have told him to get lost and stick to only seeing him if he wanted me all the time. I know how painful and unhappy you are now, i lost loads of weight, couldnt eat, sleep or function and sometimes hoped i just wouldnt wake up cos he filled my every waking moment. I stopped him whistling............ result i felt like i had some respect for myself................ weight loss............... bought smaller more fitting clothes and make sure i look good all the time................. I feel alright about me now and although i am still not over it I am ok on my own for now............. I hope he will come back but if he does i want respect or no deal. If i had not been running after him to start with this could have been sorted ages ago without all the pain............. do not let him think you are his doormat.............. show him that you are special and deserve to be treated like the woman he loves or he can hit the road...............he obviously misses you and cares for you , just breath and focus on you and the baby ( i know how hard it is but you must, you are worth his respect and the more you chase him the faster he will run)

 

It does get better, you are worth more put your head up and tell yourself that the onlly way ahead is to ignore his advances and put in ground rules........ or do you want him to think he can do this forever

[caseymw25]

haha ill take that 30lbs!!! i lost alot in 2 months. i hate being depressed and your right i have to change something up. b/c i hate for this to end but if he doesnt want to be in a relationship fine whatever. the only thing i want from him is to atleast engage in some family activities i dont want him to miss out on those. like halloween this will be our sons first! and he maybe a baby but i want all 3 of us to go out as a family to just a couple of houses. he pushes and pulls. then tells me hes going to get an apartment. i know where this is going if that does happen. which i dont wish bad on him but i hope he doesnt move. he will hardly see his son and i dont want that. and he will hardly see me. and probably move closer to this girl from what she told me on the phone. he even lied to her i guess to impress her. i dont get him. he WAS such on honest person. its amazing what women and men can do to each other. i know one thing about her is shes an immature manipulative little bitch. but oh well his loss with me. i was willing to work on it. maybe one day. im just so lost. i hate change i feel like im 17 again except with a child! 6 years gone!?! fk it!!!!!!

[caseymw25]

Thank you anne1 and ecm yall are very right. i know its just hard and i told my mom she was a doormat the other night. well LOL i guess i got it from my momma. so sad. im going to do my best to stop and see what happens.

[ecm]

the "girl" ) talked to you? Do tell! It sounds like you are leaving something out. did she call you? Or you called her? Or what? If she was a b*tch to you, she is digging herself a grave. Was this BEFORE you hooked up with him the other day? OMG...this could be good. LOL LOL ( I don't mean good or that I'm LOL about her being mean to you, I mean good b/c he I don't think he will like her doing that to you...his "baby mamma"...oh no. Like I ca say something about my sister, but YOU CAN'T... ya know?) Oh, lawdy. I'll be checking back to get the scoop, so spill it, sista!

[caseymw25]

ok i had typed alot then it never posted! ugh! but anyways a month after we broke up i had checked our phone bills online noticed her number all over the page and called her. asked her if she knew J she said yes and that they were talking. i asked her if they had done anything and she said yes but would not tell me but he did and he apologized. that was the first call. she then started txting me BS that day saying i knew nothing about being a mother that he wants her. stare at what you cant have. she has her own place her own car Paid off. blah blah. saying she beatin plenty of baby mommas asses and she will beat mine. haha wtf does that say about her?!! then a few days later i had txted her dumb of me saying i took the lawn mower back from him. thats what he was doing to make money is mow lawns and the mower was mine. well she then started txting me like crazy!!! sending me pictures of her daughter her sis, her tattoos. i mean wtf?! she was trying to get me to do it to but i was not! i dont know that bitch!! she was trying to forward them to him i know. she put words in my mouth that i never said saying that he could never get another girl or some bs because i was a PB model. and i never said that if that was true i wouldnt be so such a jealous person. he had believed her. and she was trying to pull him away from me. i finally knocked some since into his head saying i know your a good looking man other wise 6 years and you see im jealous why would i say that?!! duh!! the girl is crazy. i promised him i would stop talking to her. but about a week later i txted her and said why are you still talking to him? were trying to work it out. she responded with if txt me again bitch im going to file harassment charges on your ass. and txted him telling him the same thing and that she was going to flatten all his tires, she had blocked him in at school and i guess bitched him out. so he got mad at me. but since then its been better i have not talked to her in like 3 weeks wont! ever again.

 

and last night i was over at his house dropped our baby off then i left. he called we talked for awhile! then i came over. yes i know i did it again but i layed there with him for like an hour just holding him. and kinda the same. if he didnt want me there he would have told me to leave. i also got closure from my best friend who happened that night to being hanging out with his best friend they are like brothers and J tells him almost everything. so she got info out of his friend she will talk to me today about there discussion but this is what she txted me last night..

 

 

my best friend txted- one thing i can say now is J loves you... and u will be back together ... not today but someday u guys just need space. its like a separation not a divorce. he wont get close to females. so dont worry about that girl. its u n him and he knows it.. C (his friend) tells him to be with you... i said something about tryna get u to hang he said because even tho they are off right now they are both still tied down. so J is still on a leash in his own head with u reguardless of whatever it is he does and thinks, he admits to C yes its u and him. yall will die together, just right now u guys need to do things for yourself..

 

so that made me feel better. but ya never know!

 

anyways i know that this other girl like you said ecm is a pawn she is nothing to him. she was fing with me bad to make the situation worse. on some occasions she would txt me and say fine you can have him i dont have time for this drama and then boom next thing ya know shes blowing up his phone. or whatever. maybe he is realizing that shes getting to close and he needed to back off. because i have noticed that we have been around each other alot more this past week since the break up. i dunno i think i will stay confused until were back to "us" again.