Does a strictly platonic relationship include extremely personal sex conversations?

[whateversclever]

I have known him for a really long time (7th grade) and have always remembered him, wondered how he was and had a general positive thoughts about him. Then he contacted me out of the blue (the day he signed divorce papers) and we reconnected. I didn't know him well throughout school but we both were really nice to each other and agreed to call it a "friendship" but now that we have gotten to know each other I'm getting a bit confused! It's all online and I'm not getting the body language to know whether or not he is in friend-zone or more.. It's very frustrating.

 

The timing of him seeking me out and messaging me is one thing. He says that I am "a keeper" and makes blunt statements that he likes the type of person that I am. He always makes sure I know we are friends and he's there for me. But recently he's gotten more personal and talked more about his past. Now he's talking about extremely personal sex stuff but not in a way where it scares me.. it confuses the hell out of me!!

 

So, would a friend really do that? Am I over thinking things? Maybe I'm not giving enough detail but do any of you have ideas?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He just got divorced, and he is looking to take up some unfinished business with you. Do you want to date him? It sounds to me like he is very interested in dating (or at least sleeping with) you.

[LoveLace]

My platonic friend (aka best friend) and I have conversations like that all the time; weather or not it can be viewed as flirting or what have you, I don't know...he's even the one to start most of them, but I think we do it just because it's fun, not because we mean anything by it...but chances are, your friend is doing it to be flirty.

[carhill]

IMO, if he hasn't pressed the flesh with his old friend, what he's doing is inappropriate.

 

Just for shyte's and giggles, since he's so 'personal', have him send you (a scan in e-mail is fine) a copy of his divorce papers with that little seal from the court on them.

[whateversclever]

I know for sure he is divorced. He is one of those good guys that get snatched up quickly.. So i'm not concerned about that. I wouldn't mind dating him as I've always had a crush but we are different in many ways and I'm not sure if I could hand his lifestyle? Plus we live on opposite coasts so it would be long distance. Hmmmm shoot I guess we need to have " the talk". Ugh!

 

When he started the sex talk I was shocked because he's never done that with any other girl friend of his that I know heh guess that sent me into a "what do I do??" mindset!

[carhill]

Do the talk face to face. As I often say here, airplane rides are cheap and they have red-eyes.

[alphamale]

It's all online

here is your problem

[whateversclever]

Exactly! It's all online and I really don't like that. It may turn out to be bad timing right now as I don't have the means to fly out there and it would take some time for him to fly out here... but if it is supposed to happen then he can make that trip, in my opinion!

[bombergirl]

hi i had known my guy friend a year and after that he started talking to me in a sexual tone and it was quite forward yet now hes with a new girl hes stopped again what u reckon on that?

[carhill]

There's nothing special or good about a man talking (texting/e-mailing/IM'ing) sex with a woman he hasn't had personal contact with. That's like a gloryhole. Random mind-masturbation. Gentleman (that's a good man) talk sex with the woman they're in a relationship with or dating seriously.

 

Just so we're clear on that.

 

Bombergirl's guy friend wanted to have sex with her or else sex wouldn't have been directed to her verbally. Unclear on his details but likely she was a recepticle for such activities while he was 'between' women. Women have done that to me (emotionally) until they work things out with their 'man' or hook up with someone else. It's vampirism. An unhealthy habit. You don't treat 'friends' that way, IMO.

[clv0116]

It's my belief that platonic friendships between non-related persons of the opposite sex are a farce almost every time, and by almost I mean practically every time, for our discussion, omit almost. The majority of the time it just means the woman won't let the man nail her ... yet.

 

That's just the way it is.

[deux ex machina]

..Now he's talking about extremely personal sex stuff but not in a way where it scares me.. it confuses the hell out of me!!...

 

 

Have I got a story for you.

 

I became friends with this guy. He got a divorce, and had to move shortly thereafter.

 

We chatted online regularly, it was strange. I started really getting emotionally involved with him. I thought he was a great guy.

 

The same thing started to happen. He started being funny/flirty, I have a good sense of humor and I gave as good as I got. About 10% of the time though, I felt confused by it. Just kind of weirded out or unsure, but I wasn't sure why. I honestly thought he was joking, upwards of 90% of the time...

 

That 90% of the time started dwindling though. I had a bad feeling about it. Carhill's post above describes this PERFECTLY.

 

It turns out, that when he was chatting with me on his computer, he had another computer - a laptop - nearby. It was running porn while he was chatting with me. He had pictures of me he liked to look at during "special moments", too.

 

I wish I could tell you I was kidding.

[carhill]

It's a weird world.

[ebab83]

It's my belief that platonic friendships between non-related persons of the opposite sex are a farce almost every time, and by almost I mean practically every time, for our discussion, omit almost. The majority of the time it just means the woman won't let the man nail her ... yet.

 

That's just the way it is.

 

 

 

I was told this many years ago by such a lovely guy. I have since quoted it a lot. Mainly in the circumstance of 'does he like me?'. I guess the only question left when you understand this is what guys do....is whether they just want to get 'nailed' or whether you like you more

[bombergirl]

There's nothing special or good about a man talking (texting/e-mailing/IM'ing) sex with a woman he hasn't had personal contact with. That's like a gloryhole. Random mind-masturbation. Gentleman (that's a good man) talk sex with the woman they're in a relationship with or dating seriously.

 

Just so we're clear on that.

 

Bombergirl's guy friend wanted to have sex with her or else sex wouldn't have been directed to her verbally. Unclear on his details but likely she was a recepticle for such activities while he was 'between' women. Women have done that to me (emotionally) until they work things out with their 'man' or hook up with someone else. It's vampirism. An unhealthy habit. You don't treat 'friends' that way, IMO.

 

 

what do u mean carhill? Thing is we were mates for a year never was suggestive in what he was saying he started talking to me in a different manner,texting me loads,talking me loads on msn saying how if we went out he wouldnt be able to behave and if i went over his flat he wouldnt be able to behave and how it would be more fun if we werent friends...

 

wahts confused me is at time i confronted him bout it and it has been slightly strained over hte past months yet he still talks to me on msn but its only when his mrs isnt around and on his terms i dont know what to make of it... he aint flirting but just the fact hes being dishonest

[carhill]

but its only when his mrs isnt around

 

Well, there ya go

[bombergirl]

but what do u reckon of my mate has he got ulterior motives for tlaking to me despite being oh so happy with his new gf or does he just want to be mates

[carhill]

TBH, your texting shorthand is difficult to read. To me, 'mrs' implies wife. Is the 'mrs' and the 'new gf' the same person?

[bombergirl]

his latest girl is his fiance.... sorry im english. How would you take my guyfriend

[ebab83]

I'm guessing for as long as you are giving him what he wants he is going to have his cake and eat it yes.

 

If he wanted you as more, he wouldn't have a girlfriend IMO.

 

I'm also British and I manage to write correctly

[carhill]

OK, so he's engaged to be married and talking sexual to you when his fiance isn't around.

 

Here's a test I use. Is he actively and proactively interested in your life and supportive of your relationships, including romantic ones? This is a fundamental component of friendship. I've been a BBBF enough to know exactly how this dynamic works. They call you a 'friend' but you really only exist to feed their ego. There's only enough effort and reciprocation to keep you on the line and coming back.

 

Getting close?

[ebab83]

Yes I agree.

 

I sometimes wish i was able to explain myself as well as Carhill. I have never been too clever at it!

 

He doesn't seem IMO of what a 'friend' should be either. Would you play a friend like that? Probably not. Wouldn't you want to be treated as you would treat others?

 

He KNOWS he's got you on a string.

[whateversclever]

While I don't doubt there has been some hanky panky going on at some point in one of our conversations, the conversation wasn't cybersex or him asking me a bunch of questions or even pressuring me to talk about sex with him... I dunno, I've known a lot of guys and grew up a tomboy so I'm fully capable of having sex convos with guys but this one had me totally confused.

 

I can't help but like this guy--I always have--but that's not to say I'm dropping everything and moving out there and vice versa. We are on the same wavelength 99% of the time.. it's the 1% that totally confuses me. I guess I am not sure what I want to initiate...

 

Baaahhhh... why are guys so.... annoying? haha

[whateversclever]

Soo... I had to mention needing to know where the sex talk was heading when he brought it up again tonight along with a really long conversation about other things. I realize he's open and honest and says what's on his mind but I needed him to know that I needed to know how he's taking our "friendship" in order for me to get into the personal stuff. I didn't flat out say it.. I just told him I was hesitating answering his questions because it's my experience that conversations like this, especially online, can be misconstrued. Plus, we have so many things in common and are on an extremely similar wavelength. I mentioned this, too and he agreed with it then continued onto other topics

 

Was that the right thing to do? I may have just brought it to his attention for him to ponder later or I may have totally turned him off I dunno... I just don't want to lose a friend over this crap!

[bombergirl]

OK, so he's engaged to be married and talking sexual to you when his fiance isn't around.

 

Here's a test I use. Is he actively and proactively interested in your life and supportive of your relationships, including romantic ones? This is a fundamental component of friendship. I've been a BBBF enough to know exactly how this dynamic works. They call you a 'friend' but you really only exist to feed their ego. There's only enough effort and reciprocation to keep you on the line and coming back.

 

Getting close?

 

hes not saying suggestive stuff at mo its how he was before he started doing that....he hasnt reall asked bout stuff like that so do u think hes up to no good