bombergirl Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 carhill what did u mean? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Friendships in the healthy sense of the word are two-way interdependent non-sexual relationships. There is generally equal interest, care and affection. Expectations are lesser than in an intimate, sexual relationship (we're talking about cross-gender platonic relationships here) but there still are some expectations and resultant trust. With my female friends, I'm interested in and supportive of their interests, familial and romantic relationships and goals and aspirations they might have in life. Within my abilities, I facilitate those dependent on their boundaries for that kind of pro-action. I use my skills to benefit them. They don't have to seek me out and ask me. I offer. So, does your male friend treat you like that, or does he just talk (sometimes dirty) to you on IM? Obviously, there are levels of friendship, but the principles are the same; it is merely the depth of action, thought, feeling and care which change. Hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
Author whateversclever Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 Friendships in the healthy sense of the word are two-way interdependent non-sexual relationships. There is generally equal interest, care and affection. Expectations are lesser than in an intimate, sexual relationship (we're talking about cross-gender platonic relationships here) but there still are some expectations and resultant trust. With my female friends, I'm interested in and supportive of their interests, familial and romantic relationships and goals and aspirations they might have in life. Within my abilities, I facilitate those dependent on their boundaries for that kind of pro-action. I use my skills to benefit them. They don't have to seek me out and ask me. I offer. So, does your male friend treat you like that, or does he just talk (sometimes dirty) to you on IM? Obviously, there are levels of friendship, but the principles are the same; it is merely the depth of action, thought, feeling and care which change. Hope that helps Yes, he does treat me that way but he started with the sex talk. I've had plenty of guy friends on all levels and I had this feeling there was more to it than just talking about sex. I don't mind talking about it at all but I just need to know intentions because my past says feelings get involved at some point or another. Now that I've brought it up he's turned up missing. Maybe I rushed it, I dunno. All I know is guys suck!! Btw, the friendship developed at a normal pace throughout the past year but this issue has only developed recently. The timing of him contacting me and several other things made me think he may be interested in me? I could've been wrong... but now I'm regretting even bringing it up because he really is a good friend. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I can't speak for other men but I do not talk with women about anything sexual (absent medical terminology and the like) unless I'm interested in them sexually. I mean, why bother otherwise? Some guys may do to feed their ego, IDK. Link to post Share on other sites
ebab83 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Yes, he does treat me that way but he started with the sex talk. I've had plenty of guy friends on all levels and I had this feeling there was more to it than just talking about sex. I don't mind talking about it at all but I just need to know intentions because my past says feelings get involved at some point or another. Now that I've brought it up he's turned up missing. Maybe I rushed it, I dunno. All I know is guys suck!! Btw, the friendship developed at a normal pace throughout the past year but this issue has only developed recently. The timing of him contacting me and several other things made me think he may be interested in me? I could've been wrong... but now I'm regretting even bringing it up because he really is a good friend. IME, A good friend won't let this become a problem. It's just another hurdle and will show surely how strong your friendship is? Link to post Share on other sites
bombergirl Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 with my guyfriend he practically stopped the suggestive stuff and flirty stuff the moment this girl was on scene and totally changed yet denied he had done anything and made out it was in my head which it wasnt! But he only talks to me on his terms ie on way home from work via messenger on his phone or late at night on his phone - which i get the impression shes not there but cant 100 per cent prove it but i know shes not there on his travelling.... i dont understnad he will ignore my emails for a few wks then be all palsy and then i dont know what to make of him Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 with my guyfriend he practically stopped the suggestive stuff and flirty stuff the moment this girl was on scene and totally changed yet denied he had done anything and made out it was in my head which it wasnt! But he only talks to me on his terms ie on way home from work via messenger on his phone or late at night on his phone - which i get the impression shes not there but cant 100 per cent prove it but i know shes not there on his travelling.... i dont understnad he will ignore my emails for a few wks then be all palsy and then i dont know what to make of him That shows an awful lot of inconsistency on his part, doesn't it? And then you must of course take into account that he appears to want to keep you a secret. Unreasonable. Read post #10 by carhill, bombergirl. Emotional vampirism is real - and it is painful. You can substitute the words "sex talk" if you really want to right now with "emotional talk" - but I believe that in your case, it all adds up to the same thing. Also, I wouldn't at all be surprised if the sexual talk starts creeping in again - especially when he gets angry or whatever with his SO. Would a friend do this to you? Link to post Share on other sites
bombergirl Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 That shows an awful lot of inconsistency on his part, doesn't it? And then you must of course take into account that he appears to want to keep you a secret. Unreasonable. Read post #10 by carhill, bombergirl. Emotional vampirism is real - and it is painful. You can substitute the words "sex talk" if you really want to right now with "emotional talk" - but I believe that in your case, it all adds up to the same thing. Also, I wouldn't at all be surprised if the sexual talk starts creeping in again - especially when he gets angry or whatever with his SO. Would a friend do this to you? well he defo isnt flirting like he used to and hasnt for a while but theres a a suspicion hes only talking to me when shes not around what do u mean he has an awful lot of inconsistency on his part? Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 well he defo isnt flirting like he used to and hasnt for a while but theres a a suspicion hes only talking to me when shes not around what do u mean he has an awful lot of inconsistency on his part? ...i dont understnad he will ignore my emails for a few wks then be all palsy and then i dont know what to make of him... This. ---------- Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Absent other criteria, that could also be a sign of emotional instability. If a person seems inconsistent and often confusing, there's usually a good impetus for that and it resides totally within them. Don't let them convince you otherwise Link to post Share on other sites
bombergirl Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 so what exactly u trying to say? he only talks to me on his terms yes but i havent seen him in the flesh for a while and hes stopped the flirting n texting is there still room for concern? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whateversclever Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 (edited) so what exactly u trying to say? he only talks to me on his terms yes but i havent seen him in the flesh for a while and hes stopped the flirting n texting is there still room for concern? It sounds to me that things are going well with the girl and keeping you around as a just in case for when they break up. The question you should really be asking yourself is if that is what you want and willing to put up with. Based on my experience, it is annoying and it never will go anywhere meaningful. Edited October 2, 2009 by whateversclever Link to post Share on other sites
Author whateversclever Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 As for my little situation--think I got it figured out Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
bombergirl Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 It sounds to me that things are going well with the girl and keeping you around as a just in case for when they break up. The question you should really be asking yourself is if that is what you want and willing to put up with. Based on my experience, it is annoying and it never will go anywhere meaningful. u think? i still find it deceitful to some degree Link to post Share on other sites
Author whateversclever Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 u think? i still find it deceitful to some degree It is deceitful! Put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes--would you want your boyfriend to have a "friend" like you? I know I wouldn't! Link to post Share on other sites
bombergirl Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 its not me who is being deceiptful dont u think im not confused to why h e only talks to me when shes not in shot Link to post Share on other sites
Author whateversclever Posted October 7, 2009 Author Share Posted October 7, 2009 its not me who is being deceiptful dont u think im not confused to why h e only talks to me when shes not in shot You're in denial. He talks to you when his girlfriend isn't around because he knows he CAN and you're always there and you're always going to be there regardless if he has a girlfriend or not. He's going to keep you around until he's free to go about his business. That is deceitful. Link to post Share on other sites
bombergirl Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 what do u mean till he can go about his business Link to post Share on other sites
Blunderwall Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 You're in denial. He talks to you when his girlfriend isn't around because he knows he CAN and you're always there and you're always going to be there regardless if he has a girlfriend or not. He's going to keep you around until he's free to go about his business. That is deceitful. Jo has been in denial about this guy for months, probably years. She has been posting this same story over and over on the internet for a very long time now, has had lots of very good advice, but just ignores it. Or slings abuse at people who are honest, but not saying what she wants to hear. If he'd wanted her, he would have ditched the previous g/f for her - but he didn't. She's an emotional vampire all by herself - she has no qualms about barging into someone else's thread and taking over. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 My London-based business partner and I have known each other 35 years; he through two marriages and countless relationships and me through a marriage and countless relationships. Although I know he is sexually attracted to me, we have not let at affect our business. I can talk to him about my failed dating woes and if I gave my BizPartner an inkling he had a chance, he would jump at it. But he is respectful of my decision that I am not attracted to him and that we are much better together for business reasons. We can have frank sexual conversations and remain platonic. It IS possible. Link to post Share on other sites
junglejim Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I have to echo what CarrieT has said. Some of my friends, male and female I have known for 20 years and we have shared sex advice along with discussing how to handle family and work issues. I have a number of female friends that absolutely love their husbands/boyfriends who occasionally want to talk about something with me because they know I wont judge them. Having said that, a few of them have said I am really unusual and they would not risk it with anyone else. Bottom line is it would seem to be possible though you are heading into dangerous waters if you cannot be certain of how the other person views you. I also appreciate that many partners would be devastated to know that such conversations take place. I can only speak with regards to myself that almost all these women and all of the men discussed these things with me because they love their partners and just needed a sounding board. Link to post Share on other sites
memorygospel Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Well usually I would say that personal sex conversations are strictly of limits for platonic relationships but seeing you know this guy so long maybe you are extremely comfortableto talk about such stuff. But on the other hand there is also a VERY good chance that he doesn't see this as just the usual kind of talk and actually have those kind of sexual feelings towards you. You see guys try to get you talking about things like that so you can then get those sort of thoughts in your head and associate them with him. Trust me I know I'm a guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author whateversclever Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Well usually I would say that personal sex conversations are strictly of limits for platonic relationships but seeing you know this guy so long maybe you are extremely comfortableto talk about such stuff. But on the other hand there is also a VERY good chance that he doesn't see this as just the usual kind of talk and actually have those kind of sexual feelings towards you. You see guys try to get you talking about things like that so you can then get those sort of thoughts in your head and associate them with him. Trust me I know I'm a guy That's the thing-- I've known him since 92 but we've only JUST become real friends within the past year. I've always liked him vice vers. I mentioned boundaries and now he's iffy. Says he wants to open me up. My issue is we have 99% in common and that includes sex. I think it is too good to be true and don't want to get the wrong idea if we talk sex. Now I'm afraid to get into it again! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
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