"Trying" to fall in love? Is it possible?

[AST]

First a little background information. My wife and I have been married 2 years, and have lived together for 4. Together we have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old. She also has a 7 year old from a previous relationship. The 7 year old I claim as my own, and she knows no other father. I work out of town 4-5 days out of the week so she's basically a single mother those days.

 

Anyways, a few months ago, my wife told me she's not in love with me any more. She said she loves me as a friend and nothing more. Since then, we've been trying to work it out, but it seems like nothing is REALLY changing. She says the reason she's fallen out of love is she has been under-appreciated for basically the entire 4 years we've been together. I actually agree. She has done all the housework and taken care of the kids while I'm off to work. I get laid off in the winter and she works, so believe me when I say I KNOW she doesn't have it easy when I'm gone. This is just one of our many problems though.

 

Early last year, when my wife was only a few months into her recent pregnancy I found out she was basically having an emotional affair with a guy we play an online game with. She was texting, calling, exchanging pics, etc. When I found out she broke it off. She still talked to him in the game and stuff, but kept it strictly about the game.

 

However, since this happened I've been very paranoid with her talking to almost any guy in the game. I've become controlling as far as trying to give her a bedtime when I'm gone, and flipping out when she doesn't instantly text or pick up my calls. I don't necessarily feel this is without warrant though, as I somewhat recently found out she has a little "crush" on some other guy she's been talking to on the game. Obviously I don't think this is very conducive to fixing "us". She insisted it's nothing more, and she now claims she doesn't see him in that light at all anymore. I've asked her to just stop talking to him altogether, but she outright refuses, calling me controlling.

 

Her and I are just stuck in a spiral. Last night we got in an argument about the stuff I mentioned above, the same stuff we always argue about. We've talked about a separation, to see if her feelings would change with some time apart, but it's not really an option for us financially. Neither on of us wants a divorce either, but we both feel there's no where left to turn really. At least as a single mother she could maybe get some help financially. We really don't know what to do.

 

She feels terrible that she's not "in love" with me anymore. She was crying her eyes out about it last night. I told her it's not her fault for feeling that way, that we've both had a part in it. She says, she's trying to fall back in love with me, but I honestly don't know if it's humanly possible to fall in love with someone by trying to. I love her to death, and the thought of losing her brings me to tears. I just don't know what to do.

[Auroracoladybug]

Sounds to me like you are both still in love but not yet fully in reality. Get some counseling NOW and start planning things for the two of you....NOT ONLINE GAMINING.

[AST]

I'm not so sure we're BOTH in love. I know I am, but she's pretty adamant that she's not. She says she loves me as a friend and nothing more. She says this is the reason she very rarely wants to have sex any more too, and why it feels kind of wrong to her when we do. I don't necessarily believe she's right about this because, well, even if we don't have sex, she's still willing to "take care of me" if you get my drift.

 

Also, I personally would like to stop with the online games, and I have in the past, but she's pretty unwilling to give it up. She only really plays when the kids go to bed, and to be honest it's the only kind of adult interaction she has during the day.

 

Coincidentally, her telling me she wasn't in love with me any more happened to occur almost immediately after a good friend of hers got pissed and quit speaking to her over some false rumors that her friend heard. I personally think this had something to do with some of it, but she claims it's nothing.

 

I'm trying to talk to her about going to counseling, but she's reluctant. I honestly think she's partly afraid that a counselor's going to tell her to cut down on the games, and the online interaction. She says it's because she's pretty certain the counselor will have us separate or basically tell us we're a lost cause when my wife informs the counselor how she feels about not being in love with me any more. Personally I'd like to go to a marriage counselor.

[pdq]

I am going through a similar situation. I have been married for 15 years. I married way too early. We have been separated since the beginning of the year. A lot of things happened during the past year, one of which is that I got emotionally involved with someone. To make the long story short, I do not love my wife, only as a friend. I had stuck out the marriage for family and church. My wife loves me and of course this has been difficult for her. We both went to marriage counseling in the hope that I may ignite love for her, but it simply has not happen. I have no desire to go back. We do not have any children so I see us heading toward divorce. I do suffer from depression, and possibly Bipolar. My wife thinks that I do love her and I simply do not remember, this tends to happen to people with Bipolar.

She believes with the right medication and therapy that I will want to go back to the marriage.

 

I would suggest that your wife gets checked out to see if she suffers from a depression disorder, sometimes this is triggered by an emotionally traumatic event. In my case it may have been the emotional affair that I had which in turn triggered years of suppression and resentment towards my marriage and my church. Your wife may be experiencing something similar.

 

Also, seek marriage counseling.

 

Exhaust all alternatives before seeking a divorce. At least you both know you tried to make the marriage work.

[AST]

Actually she and I have both seen counselors separately. I am taking meds for depression, and she has anti-anxiety meds. Her counselor and gynecologist think she might be suffering from postpartum depression. Usually the mother detaches from the baby, but they think this may be a rare case where she detached herself from me emotionally. Also, they are actually kind of watching out for bipolar disorder with her too since she does have a family history of that.

 

I talked to her last night, and she said sometimes she wants a divorce and sometimes she doesn't. I asked if she would at least go to marriage counseling before we did anything and she agreed, so i guess that's one positive.

[carhill]

In MC ask her how she feels about inappropriate emotional attachments

 

IMO, and knowing what I know about the dynamics of EA's, you being out of town 4-5 days a week is not helping things. If you want to give this a go, that has to change, sorry.

[AST]

She used to insist that me being gone wasn't an issue. It just turns out that at the current time she'd rather me not be home. I've got her to admit that part of the problem at one point was the fact that I was gone all week for work, and that may be part of why she feels like she does.

 

I'm trying to talk her into moving to a more centralized location for my job, where there's a good chance I could be home every night, but she doesn't want to move. She says she won't know anybody there, but the truth is the only people she really knows where we currently live are my parents, my brother, and my grandmother. Her family lives 1000 miles away, and she has expressed several times she doesn't want to move to them. I've offered several times, thinking it may be part of the problem, thinking maybe she just misses her family.

 

As far as completely quitting my current job in order to not have to move isn't an option financially. Finding a job that pays like mine around where I live isn't easy at all, and we're already crunched when it comes to bills.

[carhill]

I don't know what to tell ya. If you're not around to work on the M and can't keep an eye on her activities, considering what's already gone down, you're likely done. Any MC worth his or her salt will suggest something along those lines as a compromise. For us, it was buying a house closer to my wife's business and lengthening my commute. Scorched earth (no compromises) probably won't fly, but hope I'm wrong...

 

Upon re-read, I have another idea.... take the lead here and get that transfer to the central location and look for a house. Do it. Executive decision. There's something about the status-quo and her defense of it that's giving me a bad feeling....