Two year relationship on the rocks, wondering where to go from here.

[acrossthemiles]

Hello, I'm new to posting here (but a casual lurker in the background).

 

Okay, I'll admit, I'm a little bit nervous posting here as the majority of the threads in here seem to be written by men who have been left by their wives...but I am genuinely desperate for other perspectives and I really need to get this off my chest.

 

This will be long, as my situation is complicated and there is a lot of history behind it, so my apologies in advance, but I would be very grateful to whomever reads to the end.

 

My partner and I met on a working holiday in New Zealand; I'm American and he's from the UK. We are 26 and 28 years old, respectively. We were in holiday mode when we got together, and so in hindsight, we probably rushed into the relationship too quickly (especially since he was just on the heels of a breakup from a nine-year relationship). But we clicked instantly, hit it off like the best of friends, and I figured that it was "love at first sight." This was in April of 2007 - by December, we had gotten a civil union and were planning the rest of our lives together.

 

Throughout our entire relationship, we really have been true friends to one another. We make each other laugh, have the same life goals (we both want to have kids someday, and are intent on emigrating back to New Zealand) and respect each other. He is an incredibly kind individual with a huge heart, and would walk over hot coals for me. My friends all tell me I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me so deeply.

 

However...

 

We've also had problems in the relationship, which started very early on - early enough to raise red warning flags in my head (which I ignored up until fairly recently). My partner was an abuse victim as a child, and his ex was also incredibly abusive, so by the time he got to me, he had a hair-trigger temper and a pretty big problem with alcohol. Three months after we met, we started having fairly regular arguments...and not about money, or chores, or putting the toilet seat down. He would fight with me about everything and anything - later on, after he'd been to counseling (at my request), he admitted that it was because he only knew how to "argue to win." He was also drinking up to two bottles of wine a night at the time. But because I was in love with him, I just sat there and took it, and treated him like gold. And I think that was my first mistake.

 

A year and a half after we met, we moved to the UK, as our Kiwi working holiday visas had expired. This unfortunately coincided with the beginning of the worldwide economic recession, so although I was able to find employment, my partner wasn't. (I have a university degree; he dropped out of uni his second year - so I generally find myself more employable, solely for that reason.) This was probably the worst possible combination of circumstances we could have been in. I began to resent him because I was doing all the work; he became depressed because he was stuck in the apartment all day. This slowly developed into full-blown paranoia. He would walk me to work, meet me for lunch, and then walk me back home again (all under the guise of wanting to spend more time with me, but it became oppressive after a while). This all came to a head one night when I arrived home from work - he was obviously in a state, and had been sending me obsessive and panicky emails at work for several days, asking me if I still loved him and etc. I walked in the door, and because I was 5 minutes later than usual, he accused me of cheating. His actual words were: "You're having an affair, aren't you?"

 

His mental health continued to get worse, and again he started drinking too much. On one occasion he was so inebriated, and so enraged, that he grabbed our mobile phone out of my hand and threw it out the window (shattering it on the pavement) before locking himself in the bathroom and threatening to kill himself. I had to actually call the police to keep things from getting out of hand.

 

Obviously, I blew a gasket. I was so close to leaving him right then, I was even looking into plane tickets over the holiday period (this was only a few days before we were scheduled to spend Christmas at his parents' house in France). I told him that if he didn't IMMEDIATELY set a strict limit on his alcohol consumption, and sign up for psychological counseling, I was out of there. He basically flung himself at my mercy and was apologising pretty much 24/7 for the entire holiday.

 

Sure enough, he did book himself into therapy, and worked for several months on dealing with his past sexual abuse, his emotional problems, and his temper. His behaviour improved steadily over time, and things were actually "normal" for a while. I was watching for signs that this change was just a Band-Aid over the real problem, but he genuinely seemed to be working on permanent solutions to his problems. He bent over backwards to atone for the mistakes of his past - I suppose because he realised just how close he HAD come to losing me.

 

But in the meantime, I was slowly warming to another fairly scary realisation: I'd turned into an angry person myself.

 

Throughout my life, I've been a pretty non-confrontational person. I don't, and never have, liked yelling or arguing, particularly not with a significant other. But in the months after the "big blow-up" I started noticing that I was consciously or unconsciously provoking fights with my partner. It seemed like the littlest things would set off my temper and - it sounds cruel and unreasonable, but I think I had gotten into the mindset of "I've put up with so much from you, I'm not going to give another inch." I had just sort of emotionally shut down and retreated into a shell. I completely stopped caring because I was so hurt and exhausted by all the drama of our first two years that I didn't feel like I SHOULD care.

 

It's been several months since he made a turnaround, and I do have to say (even from the most skeptical point of view) that he does seem to have genuinely changed. He still has a bad temper occasionally, but he's much better at controlling it, and at least he doesn't drink two bottles of wine a night.

 

I'm just terrified that it's too late to repair my feelings for him. I've stopped wanting sex with him (although I'm so stressed these days, I don't think I'd enjoy sex with ANYONE at this point), I crave spending time by myself, and I just don't enjoy doing "couple activities" anymore. He feels (and perhaps quite rightly) that he's "paid his dues" for the mistakes he's made in the past, and that he's proven himself to be a changed man. He feels that I should let bygones be bygones, and learn to trust him again. This is now the common theme in our relationship: if I would just trust him, everything would be fine. Unfortunately, I don't know how I can just push a button and make that happen. Granted, he's spent the last six months atoning for what happened, and he does seem to have made permanent, long-lasting behavioural changes. So on the face of it, it really doesn't seem like I have anything to complain about anymore. Besides, what kind of a person would I be if I were unable to forgive the one person I supposedly love?

 

I don't want to paint a one-sided picture where my partner is the big bad wolf and I'm just an innocent victim. I behave pretty poorly these days towards him...not out of any intention to hurt him, but just because I have so much anger and resentment inside me that I interpret every word he says and everything he does as an attack on me, or an attempt to control me. When I come home from work and he says he missed me (we work different shifts), I take it to mean "I want you to quit your job, because you don't spend enough time with me." Just as an example of how distorted my way of thinking is lately. He tells me he's a different person now, but that trust thing just eludes me again and again.

 

It would probably be easier for me to let things go and to just ease back into a normal routine, if...we weren't still bickering all the time. We don't have as many knock-down drag-out fights as we used to, but the fact that we DO still occasionally have them at all messes with my head, and they make me really think twice about what I'm getting into. I try to imagine spending the rest of my life with a person who curls up in a corner, screams until his face goes purple and rips out bits of his hair when he loses his temper. I try to imagine spending the rest of my life worrying about having to single-handedly support this partnership financially, because I'm the one who's driven and type-A, and he's the one whose life ambition is to be a stay-at-home-dad (which is fine, but having the economic pressure solely on my shoulders is scary). I try to imagine spending the rest of my life with a person who still thinks it's perfectly acceptable to regularly read my emails "because real couples shouldn't have anything to hide from each other." I suppose in theory that's true, but something about it just doesn't...feel right.

 

On the other hand, he spends every waking moment trying to please me, trying to make me laugh, trying to meet my every need. He is so devoted, and so giving - he would literally do anything for me.

 

And what makes it worse is the fact that all my friends, even most of my family, see him as a lovely, down-to-earth chivalrous man who would never say boo to a goose. And if they had any clue that I was having even the vaguest of second thoughts about him, they would be horrified.

 

What makes it EVEN MORE worse is that *I* think he's a lovely, down-to-earth chivalrous man. And I just don't want to have to leave him. I wish things were different. I wish things COULD be different. I wonder about how much of this is my fault. And I feel more and more like I'm ruining not just my life but his life, because I can't get my head together enough to make a rational decision one way or the other.

 

To be honest, while the general feeling of unhappiness has been building for a long time, there IS a catalyst to this latest breaking point.

 

...I'm going to bring up the in-laws now, but I don't want anyone thinking that I'm blaming my partner for their behaviour. My parents are just as unreasonable - but the difference is, my partner is VERY close to, and very involved with his family, particularly his mother. I come from a very hands-off background, so to suddenly be thrown into this very vocal, almost Italian family, was a big shock for me. They are much more confrontational towards me (and him) than I have ever been with my own parents. But they have also been very generous to us, and I grew especially close to his mother - to me, she was like the mum that I never had.

 

They also (and I won't get into the reasons behind this, because it would take too long, but also because it isn't really relevant) cannot stand MY parents. At all.

 

Because the MIL is very closely involved with our own day-to-day lives, it has been made very clear to me how she feels about my parents and how she would like me to deal with them. However, I have always maintained that they are MY concern, not hers, and that it is up to me how I interact with them. I have always tried my best not to let my parents affect the way I am with my partner.

 

Last week though, my parents phoned me up, and said some things (although they didn't tell me anything directly) that indicated to me that my in-laws had been in contact with them.

 

Sure enough, I found out that my father-in-law had written them a fairly nasty letter. Without telling me. I also found out that this was not the first time he'd done this. (My relationship with my parents has been steadily deteriorating throughout the year, and now I think I know why.)

 

My parents, of course, assumed that I had been behind the letters all along, and are now furious at me. Which is evidently what my in-laws wanted...they've told me time and time again that I shouldn't have a relationship with my folks. But the fact that they took it upon themselves to make that decision FOR ME was such a huge breach in trust.

 

Then, when I called my MIL to ask/confront her about the situation, she got angry at me. And her temper is as bad as her son's. I'm told that it was because she felt defensive, but she said so many unbelievably hurtful things in her conversation to me that I ended up putting the phone down in tears (and I very, very rarely cry in front of other people). My partner, of course, has always told me that "sometimes she loses the plot and says things she doesn't mean." I'm sorry, but that is in no way a comfort to me.

 

Again, I am not in any way blaming my partner for his parents. But, as he's often told me, "You marry me, you marry the family." I cannot forsee a future with him where I won't have to regularly deal with my in-laws, and frankly, I not only distrust them, I'm a little bit afraid of them, of their volatility. They clearly feel as though they can manipulate my life as they see fit, whenever and however they like...and I just don't know if I can deal with that constantly hovering over me.

 

This week has been a nonstop marathon of fighting (both with them and with each other) and I have been doing a lot of serious, heartwrenching thinking about the situation as a whole. I feel so desperately unhappy and have barely slept in the last five days or so. There are so many ways in which I feel like I'm being unfair, but at the same time I can't force myself to feel things I don't, or to not feel things I do feel. I spend all day with a lump in my throat and a sick feeling in my stomach. I desperately need to get some perspective on this, and while strangers on the Internet may not be my best option, I can't rely on anyone else to be as impartial and as neutral as I need them to be...

 

(This is getting long, so I'll include the conclusion to all this in a separate post...if you have the patience to continue on, please do so. Thank you so much for listening.)

[acrossthemiles]

So, following from my previous post, I've decided to try and outline the various choices I seem to have available to me. Of course, there is one thing off the bat that needs to be considered:

 

I'm only allowed to be in the UK as his partner - because of the spouse visa, I still have about one year left before I'm eligible for permanent residence, so until then, I'm basically here at his discretion. Now, I certainly am NOT just hanging on to a broken relationship because I want to stay in the country, but please try to keep in mind that, if I were to just up and leave, it would be a MAJOR upheaval, not just emotionally but geographically, and that there would be a lot more planning involved than if my circumstances were "standard."

 

That said...I've started to wonder whether or not a trial separation might be our only chance at saving this relationship.

 

As I said before, I've found myself craving alone time, craving individuality. I daydream about being able to just come home after work and get on my laptop and do some writing (I was a Journalism major in school, and used to be a fairly prolific blogger, but my partner often feels left out if I'm spending time on my computer rather than with him) or go to a yoga class (another big hobby of mine, but when I tried to start classes after I met him, he told me he missed me too much when I went and left him at home alone, so I stopped going). I understand that this is selfish of me, because I made the choice to enter into a partnership with another person, and I should have accepted that this entails having to give up your autonomy to some degree. But I can't keep sweeping under the rug the fact that these days, I feel so...trapped.

 

I feel trapped - not just because I have no free time, but because I feel responsible for him. In his worst moments (and keep in mind he does suffer from depression) he's told me that if I ever left him, he would have nothing left to live for. Since then he's retracted those statements, but they still stick with me. His mum would often tell me to "Take care of her son" and it just built up this huge theme in my head of being his "caretaker"...being his "protector." I always got the impression that his parents approved of me because they thought I might be able to push him towards completing his university education, that I would be the one to set him straight. This makes me not only vaguely resentful, but fills me with terror...I feel like whatever happens to him in the end will be my fault.

 

This makes me think that the best thing for him, what would really help him in life, would be the opportunity to learn how to be independent. Before he met me, he was in a nine-year relationship, so he's basically never been single since he was 17 years old. I've found that in my own life, being single taught me a lot about myself, and made me a stronger person. It made me focus on what I really wanted in life, and showed me that I didn't have to be afraid of being alone, that I could survive by myself. He's never had this opportunity, and I think it might be one of the reasons why he tends to cling to me.

 

Obviously, it seems like the first option for us should be counseling. However, my partner has always expressed distrust for it, because he feels as though most marriage counselors just "sit there and encourage you to break up," and also because he's convinced that the therapist will just gang up and blame everything on him. In addition, the average counseling session costs about £60.00 in our area, which is just not in our budget at the moment...especially until he starts bringing a regular paycheck in.

 

So this brings us to Option #1: Trial Separation.

 

This would involve my moving out into separate accommodation, and opening a separate bank account (we currently share all our finances and have a joint account) so that we were completely financially independent. We would go back to a sort of "dating" arrangement, where we would see each other throughout the week, but we would have our own schedules and our own apartments.

 

This option appeals to me because I genuinely DON'T want to leave him, and I do wish that there was some way of saving the relationship. It just seems to me that I'll never be able to let the hurt of the past go until I get out of the situation, physically. Every time I come home, I feel like I'm slowly being choked. Just being under the same roof as him makes me hostile and defensive, and if either of us says one word out of turn, we usually end up arguing. I just don't know how to stop the cycle of fighting we've gotten into, and it seems to me like if we were to actually remove ourselves from the situation, we might be able to address the situation rationally and logically, while at the same time rediscovering our own individuality (since we spend virtually every hour of the day together, when we're not at work).

 

On the other hand, I'm almost certain that my partner would throw a fit if I suggested living apart. The bank account issue has already been a huge arguing point. He feels as though a "proper" relationship should share finances, because otherwise it shows a lack of trust. I had a huge, desperate conversation with him about this earlier in the week, and he has now agreed to it, mainly because I think he realises that I'm close to packing it in, but he certainly doesn't like it. During some of our particularly bad arguments, he's threatened that if I were to ever "walk out," he would call up Immigration and tell them to revoke my visa. Afterwards, he's taken this statement back, but it still is a concern for me.

 

Which brings me to Option #2: a Complete Break.

 

I genuinely don't want to leave the UK; I've built a life here, I have friends and hobbies here that I don't want to leave. Plus, I do want to be close enough to my partner (even if we are separated) to be able to actively work on our relationship. But it's been suggested to me that, if I no longer have the feelings for my partner that I used to, I should just "cut the cord" and let him go.

 

But even though this would require me to completely uproot and move back to the States...I would be prepared for it, if it came to that. Strangely enough, I've started fantasizing about "a new start" and just picking up and moving. This may come across as callous and selfish, but I consider myself pretty motivated and pretty ambitious, and I miss the days of standing on my own two feet, responsible only for my own problems and my own goals. I could literally go anywhere in the world and make a life for myself. It's almost like I've met another man (I haven't! but the temptation and the fascination is the same) because I feel so entranced by the idea of starting over again, on my own.

 

I just feel like I've made so many sacrifices and given up so much for my partner, only to be resented by his parents, disowned by my own parents, and shackled to his personal insecurities. He's so...disorganized, it makes it very stressful for me to have to keep running after him, trying to make sure he's prepared for work, for his academic studies...literally just this minute, he was supposed to be at work delivering pizza for Domino's (the only job he could get), when he burst into the apartment frantically screaming that he couldn't find his debit card, and that he needed it to fill up his car in order to make the delivery. I'm just absolutely terrified that he's going to lose this job because of his inability to get himself together, which wouldn't be the first time...he once took a job and then had to quit because he couldn't get to the workplace on time every morning.

 

It just makes me so sad and so upset and so angry that I can't rely on him for ANYTHING. He's kind and sweet and he'll bring me flowers at the drop of a hat, but when it really matters, it's all down to me to sort things out. I can never expect him to come through on anything, and it really destroys my ability to respect him. Which then makes me feel guilty, because "he's such a nice person."

 

And then there's Option #3: sticking with him, no matter what.

 

We may not be technically married, but I know that when I signed a piece of paper saying that I wanted to be his partner, it wasn't an off-the-cuff gesture. I understand that I have obligations towards him now, and that my own personal happiness is not paramount. I think one of the main reasons I've even been considering separation is the fact that I will never be able to make him happy if I'M not happy...and lately, I have been desperately, profoundly unhappy. I find myself putting in extra hours at work just so I don't have to go home at night. Now I've even taken a second evening job, for the same reason.

 

It's not any one particular thing about him that makes me think this way about him. It's everything in combination...the fights, the screaming, the alcohol problem, the police visits, the in-laws, the employment issue...it's all those and more, just building and building and building.

 

But then I think about all the good times we had, the jokes we shared, I think about our favourite DVDs and our favourite funny lines from them and how we used to tell them to each other and fall about laughing, and I feel so sad and so afraid of losing that. And I know that if I walk out, they will be gone forever (though I suppose anything is possible, I doubt he'll be interested in "staying friends" if I leave him - nor would I blame him.)

 

If there was a way to reset my feelings about him and about the relationship, I would do it in an instant. I just don't...know...how.

 

Of course, NOTHING is going to happen in the near future anyway, because we've just taken up a six-month lease on a flat which we're both responsible for. So whatever I decide, it won't be a spur of the moment thing. I just want to know what my options are, and I want to get as much advice and as much input on the situation as possible. I feel so confused and bewildered and so guilty about things, I can't possibly trust my own intuition at this point.

 

...If you made it to the end of this two-post encyclopedia, I can't thank you enough.

[acrossthemiles]

Sorry guys, I know I've written a novel's worth of angst (I'm not exactly known for my economy of words lol)...if I could clarify or simplify anything for anyone I'd be more than happy to. Just desperate for some perspective on all this (if anyone can decipher what I've written about it...)

[acrossthemiles]

I'm so broken up about this. I'm working two jobs and just desperate for any kind of support or stability but things are just so unpredictable I never know what to expect on any given day. The stress and anxiety is unbearable.

 

Just last night I came home, and he had cleaned the entire flat for me and cooked a nice dinner and was basically a sweetheart. Then by the end of the night, he'd ended up drinking too much and randomly started berating me for planning on "leaving him on his own" this upcoming Christmas (I don't even have any plans). I tried to ignore him and got out the laptop to check my email before I went to bed, and he snatched it away from me saying "Nope, that's my computer. Go buy your own." (He knows this is a sore subject for me because our laptops both broke down at about the same time - his parents bought him an expensive new one for his birthday, my parents refused to even help replace mine.)

 

I was in tears most of the night and in the middle of the night he woke up to tell me that I had deserved the comment because I'd said something that hurt his feelings. Then, the next morning, he admitted that he'd been so drunk he couldn't even remember what I'd said in the first place, if I'd even said anything at all.

 

He apologised (finally), but I've been so hurt by the whole thing I can hardly think about anything else.

 

What...do...I...do?

[GrayClouds]

My thoughts for what there worth:

 

If your going to stay, he needs to move beyond words to actions. Action that reflect a sincere desire to address his issues and to change. These would include, but not limited to stop drinking, starting AA and began personal counseling.

 

If he was abused as a child, this takes great effort to come to grips with, even though he my love you dearly, he may not be ready to do it right now. If he is not ready, he will continue to hurt those around him and himself, and there is very little you can do. He has to take responsibility for his life and his actions. What choices he makes, if you stay or leave, will be his decisions not your fault.

 

Abused children often suffers from abandonment issues which is why it is difficult for him to give you space. To him it feels like your leaving and will push you away to reinforce his expectation of what love ones do. Followed by panic and that it will happen.

 

I think your options are more likely

 

1. Tell him you love and support him will be be there if, and that is a big if, his action reinforeces that is what he wants by stop drinking, starting AA and began personal counseling. Actions starting today. This is a major commitment for you with a great deal of downside and a small but possible wonderful upside if he follows through.

 

2. A clean break with no contact, it will be to difficult for either of you to be halfway in this relationship. He will likely head to a very low place but that will be his choice.

 

Both choices will be difficult and painful for both you and him. I wish you well.

[Logik]

Whoa! Lot of words!

 

My advice to you would be to separate for a while. Do you have friends that would let you stay with them? You need to be on your own to get your head together otherwise you're gonna explode and end things really badly for the both of you. I suggest you tell him that you need time alone FOR NOW. Tell him that you have no intention of leaving him FOR NOW. Tell him that he has to be a man and face his problems and that no amount of being "nice" is gonna cut it any more. He needs to be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with you. You need to tell him what you want from your relationship. It's quite easy dealing with a man. Spell it out for him. He's not a mind reader or a sign reader. Explain to him why you need this. Ask him if he prefers that you end it for good and go home to the States, or you spend this month apart attempting to sort it out. I hope I'm getting the gist of what is happening there, I think so...

 

You need to stay away with no contact for at least a month. This will force the two of you to look at what you need. Then, after the month, start dating each other again, if that's what the both of you want after the month, then take it from there. I promise you, time apart is sometimes more healthy than time together. But it must really be apart. No calls, texts, emails, NOTHING.

 

Then again, I'm just a stranger on the internet and I might not fully understand your situation and where your head's at, even if you did write the great American novel explaining it.

 

Good luck. Take what I say with a pinch of salt and really think hard about what to do before you do it. This is what I would do in that situation because you obviously don't want to end it completely, but you don't want to carry on the way it is.

[acrossthemiles]

Grayclouds,

 

Thank you so very much for responding. I know it seems desperate to beg strangers for advice, but I really have no one in my life to turn to as both sets of parents are now not speaking to me, and most of my close friends are also HIS friends and so I don't want to stir up any drama until things are more certain. I have recently spoken to a volunteer counselor at the Samaritans, and she was pleasant enough, but told me she really couldn't offer me any constructive advice because my situation is so complicated (both emotionally and legally, i.e. the visa situation).

 

Anyway, one of the reasons I'm so desperate is because he seems convinced that he HAS changed, and that he HAS made all the necessary changes in his behaviour (more or less), so now he believes the problems we're having are entirely my fault.

 

As I said, he did go to counseling earlier this year for about two months, to deal with the abuse and the alcohol issues - which seemed to work, although he used to dread the sessions and often found excuses for why he couldn't go. But to be honest, I feel like if I suggested individual counseling for him again, he would just throw his hands up and say "But I've done that, I'm better now!" Granted, he doesn't drink to excess nearly as often as he used to. But he still does occasionally, and I'm convinced that unless he goes completely teetotal, he will always be prone to these episodes of bad behaviour when he's drunk. And I just don't know if I can live knowing that something like that might always be around the corner.

 

It scares me and saddens me, because he genuinely does think that he's changed. He goes on and on about all the progress he's made and how much better he is now. He is very resistant to the idea of having to shoulder even more of the blame now since he feels that I'm the one who is hindering the relationship by refusing to accept his apologies and his changes in behaviour.

 

I do want to point out that my OWN behaviour has been far from perfect, especially lately, and that there are many things I could have said or done differently. But at the moment it's just very hard to decipher exactly where I am at fault, because I'm constantly told (by him) that I'm causing all the arguments and the problems by provoking him and blaming everything on him.

 

To be honest though, I would be fully prepared to walk out tomorrow if it wasn't for one thing: I am 99% sure that leaving him, at least at this juncture, would destroy his life. He's said as much himself, and while a lot of people say that, he genuinely means it. I would be heart-sick for sure, but he's said to me that if I go, that's it for him - there'll never be another woman in his life, and he'll never have children. I just feel sick at the idea of causing a person I love and care about so much that amount of agony. I would have to carry that with me for the rest of my life.

 

I just feel so trapped.

[acrossthemiles]

Logik,

 

I know, I do tend to run at the mouth when I'm trying to get my point across, lol. Sorry about that - but kudos to you for slogging through it all!

It's just that the situation has been influenced by so many factors, I wanted it to be clear how we ended up at this point, and I wanted it to be as balanced as possible (though I suppose it'll always be biased in some way).

 

I don't really have anyone here in the UK that I could rely on to stay with, and in any case, he's phoned Immigration who have (apparently) said that even if we're still in a civil partnership, if we stop cohabitating for any period of time my visa could be revoked. He claimed that HE could also be arrested for fraud, which I doubt is true, but anyway - this is his reasoning for not letting us live separately.

 

However, if I explain to him my intentions when he's in a calmer mood, he may see things differently - especially if he sees it as a possibility for reconciliation. As long as he doesn't report me directly to Immigration, I doubt they would ever know.

 

Have to run off to my second job now but thank you for the wonderful advice, I'll check back later tonight.

[Logik]

OK, well if there are legal implications of you moving away from him then I don't think it's an option at all. He will report you because he'll be angry. He'll regret it afterwards, but it will be done none the less.

 

I really don't know what else to say to you. I feel your trauma. I would never want to be in your situation. I'll have another think about it and if I have some other constructive advice I'll let you know. Can't promise anything, but I will try my best.

 

The only thing I can say at this point in time is...

 

If you're unsure about doing something, DON'T DO IT! You won't always be so unsure. No regrets.

[GrayClouds]

To be honest though, I would be fully prepared to walk out tomorrow if it wasn't for one thing: I am 99% sure that leaving him, at least at this juncture, would destroy his life. He's said as much himself, and while a lot of people say that, he genuinely means it. I would be heart-sick for sure, but he's said to me that if I go, that's it for him - there'll never be another woman in his life, and he'll never have children. I just feel sick at the idea of causing a person I love and care about so much that amount of agony. I would have to carry that with me for the rest of my life.

 

Look up codependency, read all you can about it.

[Logik]

Also realise that you are experiencing emotional abuse. You said that you were not an angry person, but now you have anger. Remember that he is from an abusive background, so he will look for an abusive relationship. You weren't providing this for him so he probably subconsciously "worked" on you to change your relationship into something he's comfortable with.

 

Don't let him do that to you. Be you. Don't change. It'll make your life harder. Be who you were in the beginning and never change it unless you want to. Don't let him dictate your emotions any more. Don't let the parents interfere with who you are. Respect yourself first and then others. You need to change your attitude towards the situation and take control of it. You're letting things out of your control change who you are. Don't.

 

If you are strong enough, you'll be able to deal with it. That's if it's what you want. People only walk away from what they want if they're not strong enough to go through the things they don't like. So make sure you want to be with him and then make sure you're strong enough to get through the rough times. If he doesn't appreciate that you won't change who you are, just to suit his needs then he doesn't love you. You should love him for who he is and visa versa.

 

And remember, if someone is in a relationship because they NEED the other person to be there, then it's not good. A person should be in a relationship because they WANT the person to be there. There's a big difference between NEED and WANT. If people NEED others, then there's something amiss inside of them and it's not healthy.

[acrossthemiles]

This is spiralling out of control. I'm fairly sure he's lying to my face now.

 

A few weeks ago I changed the password on my email account and a few other online accounts. The reason being that my partner has had a history of "spying" on me by snooping through my emails, monitoring my Internet browsing history, etc. The latter I don't mind so much, though it does feel a bit controlling - but it was the email business that really bothered me. He started bringing up examples of things I had written to various people from two, three months ago which he could only have found out about had he been poking around in my Gmail account. So I altered my password from the standard six-letter one I use for just about everything, to a longer and (I assumed, anyway) more secure one. I suppose I did it out of anger at the time, but I do feel lately as though I've been given absolutely no right to privacy whatsoever, and it was just a reaction against that.

 

Then this morning, I got on the computer and checked in the Recent Documents folder to pull up our wi-fi login details (we have a temporary Internet connection and have to re-connect everytime we start up the laptop).

 

Sitting next to the text file containing our login information, was another plain text document whose title was the last two words in my new password. I opened it up and sure enough, there it was - just my password, on its own, down to the very last letter.

 

I checked the file properties and saw that it had been created at 11:30pm on Sunday night. I had already gone to bed at that point (since I get up early for work on Monday mornings), so there's only one person who could have done it. It had also obviously been opened in the last 24 hours, since it was in the Recent Documents folder.

 

So I confronted him about it, and told him I thought it was a bit rich that he was asking me to trust him again when he's been going around hacking my passwords behind my back.

 

He immediately denied it all. Not only that, he started playing the victim, claiming that he was "tired of being accused of things that aren't true" and that I was being paranoid and cruel. Really, it all seemed a bit methinks-he-doth-protest-too-much for someone who was supposedly innocent.

 

After about ten minutes of my not buying his flat-out denial, he then switched his story and admitted that yes, he HAD created a text file with that title (and made up some elaborate explanation for why this was the case), but that he'd left it blank and that he had no idea how my password got there. (All the while continuing to accuse me of being paranoid, and pretending to be incredibly hurt and angry.)

 

I asked him, didn't he think it was a remarkable coincidence that he randomly created an "empty" text file whose title JUST SO HAPPENED to be the last two words in my new password?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not an idiot, and he is NOT a very good liar.

 

I understand that this whole dishonesty/spying on me thing is largely about control. He feels as though he has no control over what happens to our partnership and so he's grasping at anything he can, because knowledge is power, and maybe if he finds out something crucially important he can alter the course of the relationship. (This is my guess anyway.) But I just don't have the energy to pinball back and forth between extreme affection and whacky, left-field behaviour. It's things like this that make me wonder why I'm even still with him in the first place.

But then ten minutes go by and I'm walking down the street and I'm suddenly struck by the idea of "Oh my God, how can I leave this person?" It's just unbearable. It makes no sense I guess, but I mean, there IS a reason I hitched myself to him in the first place. And that is hard to let go of.

 

...His latest suggestion is to put ourselves in a holding pattern until next August, when I'll be eligible for permanent residency. Then, if I still want to split, I can stay legally in the UK without him. I just don't know if I can survive until then, if the situation stays the same.

[imagine]

Your relationship is NOT without commitment to each other.

 

To update your knowledge on human nature. None of us are perfect. It is necessary to keep tabs on your partner. Pass words should never be off grounds.

 

If you marry, you buy into that each of you is the other half. Learn now to establish good communications. If they were good enough, you could be talking to him now. Without lying. sharing you concerns about him.

 

If you are a wimp now, you will take it into marriage.

[acrossthemiles]

Your relationship is NOT without commitment to each other.

 

To update your knowledge on human nature. None of us are perfect. It is necessary to keep tabs on your partner. Pass words should never be off grounds.

 

If you marry, you buy into that each of you is the other half. Learn now to establish good communications. If they were good enough, you could be talking to him now. Without lying. sharing you concerns about him.

 

If you are a wimp now, you will take it into marriage.

...I'm sorry, I think I need a bit of time to figure out what exactly you're trying to get across here (running to Job #2 now anyway), but I don't see how you can justify calling me a wimp.

[acrossthemiles]

It is necessary to keep tabs on your partner.

I disagree. A healthy relationship should include a sufficient degree of trust such that "keeping tabs" on one another is unnecessary.

[acrossthemiles]

I've amended my initial response to your post now that I've had more time to sit down and read/think about it.

 

Your relationship is NOT without commitment to each other.

You are incorrect in assuming that I am not committed to him. If I was not, I would not have suffered through two years of abuse in the hopes of hammering out a loving and mutually respectful partnership. Keep in mind that a lot of this stems from my (unreasonable) desire to "fix" him. This may not be the healthiest motivation in the world, but I hardly think it demonstrates a lack of committment.

 

To update your knowledge on human nature. None of us are perfect.

Thank you, and I respect your academic background - but you don't need to be lecturing ME on human nature. Are you aware of how condescending you come across in your words and statements?

 

Pass words should never be off grounds.

I understand some people believe that marriage =! privacy. I am not one of those people. Privacy is a matter of respect, and without respect, there is no relationship.

 

If they were good enough, you could be talking to him now. Without lying. sharing you concerns about him.

Sorry, but I have not lied about anything. In fact, this is really the crux of the issue: I really don't care that much about the fact that he reads my emails, since I have nothing to hide. It's the dishonesty that kills me. It impedes trust, and demonstrates such a lack of the aforementioned respect.

 

If you are a wimp now...

You know my thoughts on THAT one.

[acrossthemiles]

I feel so sick and so sad all the time now.

 

He picked me up from work tonight and had all my favorites waiting for me: a bubble bath, the chicken korma I like, my favorite DVD, and an English translation of "Le Petit Prince." On the inside cover he had written (and dated):

 

"Dear [my name],

 

"This is the first book I ever read in French. At age 10 the significance was slightly lost on me. However I consider it now to be one of the greatest ever reflections on the human condition. It is a gift I hope you will keep near you at all times, wherever this life may lead you. Written between the lines of this book you will find solutions to must of life's problems. I hope you find happiness in whatever path you choose. I hope that path involves me but your first duty shall always be to yourself. Please read Chapter XXI, that will always be ours.

 

"With all my sincere love forever."

 

...I am falling apart day by day bit by bit and I feel like before long nothing is going to be left of me one way or the other.

[Destination Unknown]

I'll have to go back and re-read your original thread regarding your legal status/residency issues to understand them better, but apart from that it really seems like you are in a toxic relationship and not sure that it's salvagable, the loss of self you are experiencing is so damaging. There's someone on this site named "Gunny" who posts some really straightforward advice in threads of similar nature. I'm new to the site, and co-dependent myself to a fault so I don't feel like I am in a position to criticize you. Just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone in your dilemma. There seem to be so many of us caught in the despair of not being sure of how to move forward but knowing we can't stay in the current status. Good luck...

[RedDevil66]

I can only say he needs AA and you need Al Anon

 

Your story sounds like mine. He's an addict and is blocking his pain with booze.

You're falling into his madness and becoming a codependent

 

My BF is in AA and I am in Al Anon, it's a painful road

[acrossthemiles]

I can only say he needs AA and you need Al Anon

 

Your story sounds like mine. He's an addict and is blocking his pain with booze.

You're falling into his madness and becoming a codependent

 

My BF is in AA and I am in Al Anon, it's a painful road

This has been mentioned to me several times.

 

Of course, I'm not sure how beneficial AA would be considering he doesn't really have a dependence on alcohol anymore. It's just that when he drinks too much, it tends to make him behave badly - I'm sure a lot of people could say the same thing. Not making excuses for him of course, it just doesn't seem like the booze is the primary concern anymore (though it doesn't help).

 

I had to pack in my second job last night because my "main" job requested me to extend my hours since we're undergoing a big transition. So now I won't be able to sock away some extra cash in case I really do need to get out of here. That concerns me.

 

Lately I've been feeling as though I could benefit from antidepressants myself, but I'm hesitant to go to a GP and report it since the NHS keep permanent records on everyone, and having a history of depression on my record could interfere with my eligibility for the healthcare programme I want to enter. But I'm so so stressed, and so so tired, all the time, it's killing me.

 

Anyway, I appreciate all the concern and advice so far, thank you. It's been very comforting.

[acrossthemiles]

Thinking about it more, it seems to me like it would be stupid for me to pass up the opportunity to gain dual citizenship when I'm only one or two years away from it. Even my partner agrees that it would be wise to keep my options open, even if we do end up separating. Hence why he has (generously) offered to maintain my sponsorship until I am eligible to be here on my own.

 

On the other hand, I feel like it would be horribly cruel and selfish to keep him strung along if I don't in my heart of hearts intend on sticking it out, just for immigration purposes. Part of me thinks that I owe it to him to make the full break and send myself back to America, that I don't really deserve to stay here if I don't stay with him.

 

But the idea of throwing it all away makes me feel ill. I consider myself a fairly confident person, but I feel like I leave him I'll be giving up any hope of a happy future, any hope of having kids or a partner who actually WANTS to be married. I'm afraid to rock the boat, but as previous posters have said, things cannot continue on the way they are. When he's angry, he tells me I'll never find someone who loves me as much as he does. Classic controlling tactic, but it really sticks with me.

 

My worst nightmare is waking up alone in 10 years time and thinking "I should have been happy with what I had."

[acrossthemiles]

Last night he left me a letter saying that he was willing to do whatever was necessary to save the relationship, and that if I wrote out a list of things that I wanted him to change about himself or his behaviour, he would follow each one to the letter, if it meant I would stay with him.

 

I've been thinking about it all morning, and I've seriously got…nothing. I can't come up with a single specific, definitive thing that would really change my feelings about the situation. Mainly because he already "ticks the boxes" - he makes dinner for me, cleans the flat (granted he only works 4 hours every other day, but it's still nice), buys me little presents, writes me notes…I mean, you would look at the relationship in a textbook and say "There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever." In fact they'd probably berate me for being so ungrateful.

 

So why am I increasingly convinced that I just cannot do this anymore?

 

My in-laws have been emailing him constantly, calling my parents "evil, wicked little people." Obviously they've decided to blame my parents for the deterioration of the relationship, since apparently they can't swallow the truth. And while I understand that he's not responsible for the words or behaviour of his parents, I just don't know how I can be a part of an extended family where they think it's acceptable to say these things about my parents, whom they've only met once, and who really don't have a whole lot to do with any of this in the first place. The idea of seeing them or speaking to them makes me sick with anger. How will I deal with Christmas? Holidays? What do I do when they call on the phone? It's easy in theory to say I'm just cutting them out of my life, but in practice…I don't know how I can handle it.

 

I just feel so desperate to drop everything, pack my bags and head back to the States. The longer this goes on the more toxic it becomes. I am thoroughly, profoundly depressed, I have anxiety attacks that make me want to puke, I don't eat, I wake up every morning crying in the shower. I have no one I can talk to about this. Every day is like running a marathon.

 

On the positive side though, I found out I've been given a raise, so now my hopes of socking away some money "for a rainy day" is looking more hopeful. I just wish I knew if and when it'll come to that.

Edited October 2, 2009 by acrossthemiles

[Kaya]

Last night he left me a letter saying that he was willing to do whatever was necessary to save the relationship, and that if I wrote out a list of things that I wanted him to change about himself or his behaviour, he would follow each one to the letter, if it meant I would stay with him.

 

Perhaps you could consider asking him for a bit of space? Tell him you need a month apart so that you can both think about things. Is it not possible for you to move to another place for awhile (even if it's just a cheap bedsit)? If he means what he says, and if he truly loves you, then he'll understand and give you the space you so desperately need.

 

At the moment your relationship is making you awfully unhappy. I am by no means an expert, but it seems very unhealthy. From what you write, he does not provide you with what you need, the freedom to be who your really are. You sound like a strong individual who values your independence.. and he sounds clingy, needy and manipulative (sorry if this is not accurate, it's just the impression I get). I think he needs to go back to therapy, two months won't solve a lifetime of issues.

 

Don't let him change who you really are.. you can't be responsible for his happiness, but you can be for you own. I wish you the all the best.