Is it normal to feel like this?

[Dooda]

Is it normal to feel so alone and like there's nothing left for you to do in this world? Is it normal to feel like you want to do something but you feel like there's no point? You try getting back your faith but you just can't.

I'm so stuck. I just wish there was an answer on the internet that would give me my happiness back. I wish there was something that would say, you don't need to worry anymore, you can be fine.

It's so hard dealing with anxiety sometimes, and right now it's hitting me like something I can't control. I'm so powerless to what it makes me feel. Whatever it tells me, I believe it. Is it normal to have to feel like this every single day and feel like there's no solution and I'll be stuck like this forever. I really can't get out of this. I'm so lost.

I try and ask my self questions but I just can't find any answers. I'm so concerned with myself and I can't understand that there's something greater out there, that I don't need to worry anymore because I'm not the only person alive, I'm not the only person going through problems. I know everyone goes through hard times, but sometimes it feels like I'm the only that can ever be experiencing this. It's like I'm in a deep hole that I dug myself, and I can't get out.

I ask myself stupid questions and think stupid thoughts, but to me their so real and I can't tell them to go away because my mind just isn't strong enough right now.

It's like I really don't deserve living right now. There is no point, if I'm just gonna live like this, my life being so pointless and me constantly focusing on the details when I can't see the bigger picture.

 

What am I supposed to do? How can I just get my faith back and stop focusing on so many small things that just don't matter? "What is this guy thinking about me?" "Why did he give me that look?" "Am I ever gonna be better?" "Why do I feel like this?" "I must have some bad mental sickness caues this will never go away." Am I just going crazy, or has anyone ever thought these thoughts before?

[GrayClouds]

Sounds like you may be suffering from depression. Have you tried talking to a professional?

 

If it i chemical medication can help.

 

I wish you well.

[Dooda]

Gray, I don't have depression. I have extreme anxeity and as a cause I have depression because I am simply just too fed up.

[wuggle]

This may sound flippant, but it honestly isn't meant to. One thing I have learnt is that the whole concept of 'normal' is a bit silly. I know there are quite 'general' sorts of normal, but even these alter depending on where you live, what you were brought up to believe etc. So to answer your question "Is this normal...." a definite Yes (and No)

 

I think lots of people get anxious, I think lots of people haven't got a clue what they are doing here, I think many feel despondant, especially when, as it always does, life throws a few rocks at you.

 

Forget what is normal and what isn't, you say you have lost your faith (I am presuming you mean religous faith) why ? I lost my 'faith' years ago, have been much happier since.

 

I think it's ok to go through life confused about stuff, I think if anything that is the only REAL 'Normal', show me a person who really has it all figured out , I haven't met one in over 40 years.

 

Maybe forget the faith, forget what is and isn't normal and just look for the time being at what makes you feel good, fulfilled and happy. And maybe leave the whole "is this normal", "why have I lost my faith" sort of questions until you are a litle stronger. These are 'big' questions and most people never get them answered.

[whichwayisup]

Anxiety and (mild) depression go hand and hand.. You may not have the typical depression symptoms, but feelings of restlessness (is that a word?) and not having passion, that ZING for life is a sign, atleast of mild depression. I know at times I've suffered from it and I also get SAD when the weather changes, and we lose an hour of light in the fall (which sadly is coming up soon!)..Yoga and brisk walking daily can help ward off the milder symptoms of depression and it'll help with your anxiety too.

 

Remember, where you are in life today doesn't mean it's forever.. Everyone goes through confusing and rough times - Just deal with what you can cope with, the rest will fall into place. Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow.

[Dooda]

I keep thinking this might be some permanent problem. What if I never get out of this? There is this thing in my head like I'm never gonna recover from this. My brain keeps finding a reason to say you're not normal. I'll look up a mental illness and I'll think straight away I have it.

One thing I looked up was AvPD and it really got me thinking because it relates so well to me. The thing is, I was never shy and timid and so self-concious, and now it's like I've lost who I am. I always used to be the 'clown' of the class, and all of a sudden, it was like something went away. It was like I lost the self-confidence to just be myself and not be confused by what people think or say about me.

I never have avoided social situations, but now everytime I go, unless I'm under the influence of alcohol, I just don't feel myself and it's like I don't want to be there. I'm just not there, I'm not ready to deal with all this social BS. It's not really that I'm afraid of people, I never get anxiety attacks. I just don't feel comfortable. Someone will start talking to me and I'll just push him/her away. I honestly don't think I have AvPD, but I can't get the thought out of my head. I look at my past and I think that everything relates to AvPD. I was never the kid left out, but once I got into grade 11, I was so much different. I had changed. I think it was the stress of dealing with my famliy and my parents who were so abusive and would never get me or where I was coming from.

 

What if this is AvPD and I'm just dealing with depression and anxiety which are comorbid with it? Are all people who have AvPD extremely shy and have been so most of their life (because that's not me)? Do all people who have AvPD avoid social situations and simply prefer being lonely rather than risking humiliation (because that's not me either)? I am able to talk with people, it's just like I simply can't be myself and not have to worry about these relentless thoughts. They won't leave me alone. I guess I get taken in the moment and I can make myself believe anything. I've always been anxious and I've always thought something small can turn into something huge and I guess that's what's going on in my head right now.

 

I just want some proof that I will be OK and that I don't have a permanent disability and I have no personality disorders or anything that won't allow me to deal with life. I don't think this thing has become so bad that it is messing up my life. I still go to school, I'm in Uni actually. I go to parties, but once again I feel uncomfortable in them and I'm either being completely shut off, or socially awkward. I'm able to be myself when I'm really comfortable and when I have these spurts of confidence.

Has anyone gone through this?

 

whichwayisup, I think you were right about not having that ZING of life. It's so that. It's like I don't care anymore. I don't want to be a part of people because I don't care. I've lost my touch with the world. Sometimes, when I really concentrate, I can imagine myself feeling good again and not having to deal with these feelings and these irrational thoughts, but then they both just come back. I'm tired of showing this outer personality that isn't me, and I just want to go back to the real me.

[Mixitup123]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I've just read a little bit on AvPD, and I must own up to feeling a little like how it describes at times too. Feeling anxious about different situations and putting yourself in unfamiliar circumstances, I think unless you're a very confident person, most people would feel the same. It indicates that if you are rejected in someway at a young age this is when it can come out in this form in adulthood. I would imagine that a lot of people have been through rejection at some point and it would have negetive effects on you in someway. I would say try to push yourself and make yourself do things you wouldn't normally do, if you're feeling down and you're asked out by your friends or whatever, push yourself to go and to go with a positive mind, and think about the things you are going to say and ask, and how you are going to act..confident..try to make yourself be positive..and this may help you through this tough time. Good luck.

[deux ex machina]

Immediately, do 7/11 breathing.

Start at doing this just 5 minutes morning and night if you have to.

 

Breathe in for a count of 7.

Hold it a moment.

Let the breath out for a count of 11.

 

This will bring the Parasympathetic Nervous System into play, which will calm down some of the emotional arousal.

 

If the breaths are too long for you to do, then try for a lesser count right now, but make sure the out-breath is longer than the in - or the PNS won't come into it.

 

You are ruminating. A lot.

 

How's your sleep?

 

Do you dream a lot?

[Dooda]

Deus ex, my sleep is irregular. Sometimes I'll sleep 5 hours a day, others I'll sleep at 4 in the morning and wake up at 2 in the afternoon. If I'm not very tired, I can't really sleep because I'm thinking.

I day dream alot, especially when I'm in public. I'll dream about stupid things, like how conversations would go with a girl I like, or even with friends I know. I'll always imagine them going well, and me being the funny, non-anxious self I used to be.

When it comes to normal dreaming, I don't dream that much, but when I do they're usually really stressful and make my sleep restless. Like, last night, I kept having a dream where I was reading a forum thread about AvPD (again), and I kept thinking it described me perfectly. It was really weird, I remember there were these really weird symptoms that I somehow managed to relate myself to. And, when I woke up, it was like the dream still had relevance for a couple of hours, until I arose from the reverie and the false illusions of it.

 

I keep reading about AvPD, and it's like I am relating to every symptom that is displayed, from being timid, to being rejecting of others... I can't stop. I'm so sure I have it now. I litteraly can't stop thinking about it, it's driving me freking crazy. I keep wondering if I'm only monitoring my internal reactions or if I'm monitoring the reactions of other's around me (which is a sign of AvPD rather than social phobia).

 

Do you have any other methods of reducing the anxiety and constant worry? I keep telling myself, though, no matter what I do there is no hope for me if I 'do' have this personality disorder.

I tried the 7/11 breathing and it helped a bit. I feel a bit dazed and light-headed because of it.

[Dooda]

"The literature on social phobia suggests that the phobics are unable to follow the interaction because they are so focussed on their internal reactions. However, the research on avoidant personality disorder also emphasizes that the avoidants are engaged ín external monitoring of the other person’s reactions as well."

 

Could someone please explain to me what this external monitoring means exactly, and could give me an example. I think I do this, and if I do then I have AvPD...

[Dooda]

For example, I went to military school last year, and ever since my brother has been a lot nicer to me, I guess because he feels bad.

We are farther apart now because he's trying to be nice to me and give me my space, and I'm not willing to go back because I'm not ready yet.

Sometimes, when he speaks to me, I can tell he's not the same person he used to be with me. I'll say a joke, and he won't respond like he used to, and this bothers me because we were really close brothers before. While I'm talking to him, I'll be thinking this, I'll be thinking he's not the same like he used to be, and it drives me insane inside. It's like I don't want him to turn into me.

Is this normal? Or is this exactly what is described as 'external monitoring' by what I just posted previously?

[Dooda]

Another example. I was talking with a friend while I was on the bus. I was chewing gum and while I was talking, my gum came out. I looked up and there was this woman giving me a weird look. I was like, "Oh no, she must think I'm an idiot." At that point, I just stopped talking and was into myself. I pretended that I needed to sleep. Every once in a while I would keep looking at her to make sure she wasn't looking. She had this weird look about her, like she didn't want to look at me.

Is this is a normal part of anxiety or is this what could be AvPD? Have any of you ever felt like that in social situations?

[Eve]

What have you been advised to do from both a medical and pastoral perspective?

 

You do sound very alone within all of this and maybe this is why you feel so stuck?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Dooda]

Eve, I saw a psychotherapist/psychiatrist a year and a half ago and he gave me some meds that never helped. I took zyprexa, for mild psychosis (he thought), and remeron (for depressive symptoms)... they did nothing except make me feel more drowsy.

I talked with another psychiatrist who was less into the meds and more into the thinking and talking, but I just couldn't open enough to talk about my problems. I want to see a doctor, but it's like for one, I don't want people to think I'm crazy because I'm seeing a psychiatrist, and for two, I don't want the psychiatrist to think I'm crazy myself and to label me as having some bad disorder that I'll never be able to recover from.

 

From what I told you from the last 2 posts I wrote, do you think these are normal human reactions - or atleast anxious ones - or am I just excessively monitoring human reactions around me. This is very important.

[alphamale]

What am I supposed to do?

make an appointment with a good psychiatrist

[Dooda]

On the pastoral level.

I had advice from my parents before. It was always, I'm not going crazy, there's nothing to worry about. You're thinking about it too much.

Then it was, we'll send you to military school because we can't deal with you anymore and we can't accept you failing your last year at high school.

Now it's a down hill shamble. I'm lost.

I was treated like s*** at my military school, both from my peers and those in charge of me. I was the one that was bullied, and this really got to me because I was never treated so disresepectfully (atleast not by my peers) before.

They would tell me all sorts of things and anytime I'd try and do something back, you'd have a million people all down my throat to tell me who I was and put me back in my place. It was such a disgusting, pitiful place, and I really have no sympathy for all the self-assuring egotistical a**holes working in that place.

 

Now, I'm not talking with my parents. It's gotten so bad, and we've had some fights, and there's no more going back. Right now, we live together, but I'm moving out soon.

My only choice is to consult a consultant for students mental health in my Uni...

[deux ex machina]

...From what I told you from the last 2 posts I wrote, do you think these are normal human reactions - or atleast anxious ones - or am I just excessively monitoring human reactions around me. This is very important.

 

Normal reactions.

 

 

Deus ex, my sleep is irregular. Sometimes I'll sleep 5 hours a day, others I'll sleep at 4 in the morning and wake up at 2 in the afternoon. If I'm not very tired, I can't really sleep because I'm thinking.

I day dream alot, especially when I'm in public. I'll dream about stupid things, like how conversations would go with a girl I like, or even with friends I know. I'll always imagine them going well, and me being the funny, non-anxious self I used to be.

When it comes to normal dreaming, I don't dream that much, but when I do they're usually really stressful and make my sleep restless. Like, last night, I kept having a dream where I was reading a forum thread about AvPD (again), and I kept thinking it described me perfectly. It was really weird, I remember there were these really weird symptoms that I somehow managed to relate myself to. And, when I woke up, it was like the dream still had relevance for a couple of hours, until I arose from the reverie and the false illusions of it.

 

I keep reading about AvPD, and it's like I am relating to every symptom that is displayed, from being timid, to being rejecting of others... I can't stop. I'm so sure I have it now. I litteraly can't stop thinking about it, it's driving me freking crazy. I keep wondering if I'm only monitoring my internal reactions or if I'm monitoring the reactions of other's around me (which is a sign of AvPD rather than social phobia).

 

Go to YouTube, enter, 'mindfieldscollege' (one word), and click into their channel. The first vid right on their page there with that older gentleman regarding REM sleep and depression - watch that and see what you think.

 

If it rings a bell, there's other links and whatnot attached to that channel/video that may interest you.

 

Don't let it be forgotten that the internet can only do so much, the right help is needed as well.

 

 

 

 

It is possible that all of this ruminating and unanswered questions are putting your mind/body through a lot.

 

It goes like:

 

*Excessive ruminating/worry.

 

*Going to sleep at night, but the REM state is, in a sense, overloaded.

 

*That, in turn, burns out the orientation response.

 

*Causing exhaustion, lack of motivation, and (yet more!) excessive worry to add to the mix.

 

That is the theory behind some of that vid - it's a bit more complex than that, but those are the really broad strokes.

 

The solutions are very simple, elegant.

 

 

 

 

I believe there is a reason this happens to certain people.

 

For example, I write a great deal, these go on for weeks and months unfinished, of course. I also have a vivid imagination, as I can tell you do as well. It's a good thing - yet it can work against a person and cause stress and worry. Combine that with unfinished business, and it is little wonder that oftentimes people in with certain professions/hobbies/mindsets can burn themselves out and get in such a state!

 

You have been given a lot of gifts - I understand it can be difficult for you to truly feel that now, but you have a brilliant imagination, I can tell this -- it just happens to be working against you at the moment.

 

All that this state is telling you is that there's are imbalances in your life.

 

It's a useful thing to know.

 

 

Do you have any other methods of reducing the anxiety and constant worry? I keep telling myself, though, no matter what I do there is no hope for me if I 'do' have this personality disorder.

I tried the 7/11 breathing and it helped a bit. I feel a bit dazed and light-headed because of it.

 

I have developed many a coping skill, by necessity. In a nutshell, all of them are simple, and based around the concept of mindfulness.

 

This is taking a toll on your health - you must know this. There is a reason people with stress/anxiety/depression tend to get injured and ill more often...

 

When you get the proper help and guidance, I know you will do well. Take this step as soon as you can.

 

Walking medition is a good, simple way to get out of your head, as well as burn off some of those chemicals left floating about your system for the excessive thought-loops you have going on at the moment.

 

 

...Right now, we live together, but I'm moving out soon.

My only choice is to consult a consultant for students mental health in my Uni...

 

I would highly recommend that you NOT try to match your symptoms to any label via info you find on the internet, or anywhere else. I think this is contributing to the anxiety.

 

Yes, absolutely, 100% go to a professional. That is something empowering you can do.

 

One foot in front of the other.

[Dooda]

Deus ex, I understand that this is all normal anxiety, and me ruminating too much is making it all worse.

 

But why do I feel so powerless? Why am I always acting so socially awkward with people around me and feel as though I can't simply be myself, without being overly boisterous and imposing? Why do I have such negative feelings towards everybody now and think such irrational thoughts about everything and everyone going on around me? I'll CONSTANTLY think weird thoughts like, "This person is looking at me because he finds me weird." Is this all a part of anxiety? Will it all just go away once the anxiety goes away? It's hard for me to believe...

 

I'm so unmotivated to do anything or make any life decisions that could have a truly POSITIVE impact on my life. It's so hard to think, simply, that I will be better. That one day this will all go away and I'll be a normal person with no worries and no fears. It's really hard to think.

[deux ex machina]

My thought is that the anxiety has crossed the median line, and IS quite possibly what is making all of those other things come about.

 

I know you mentioned going to see someone soon? Make certain you do that.

 

The thing about anxiety and stress of this sort, is it is really next to impossible to have any sort of perspective - you end up torturing yourself.

 

It appears to be so narrow now, because that is what all of this does - it makes it all seem like it's just too much.

 

The key word is "seem". Perspective.

 

Seeing someone very soon will help you get the anxiety down. With that, other things can be tackled.

 

You CAN do this.