if you know he's married why start a relationship?

[2009]

as the title states really, if u meet a man, someone u dont no, someone u cant have feelings for, why start something with him knowing hes already got a gf/wife?? does no1 ever think 'the wife' must hav feelings, 'the wife' will get hurt, so u dont no her but shes a person, just like u, she has feelings, just like u and she must love him, to be with him, to have married him, she must really love him. if he says he doesnt love her anymore, its not working why start something? if he doesnt love her, doesnt want her and is so interested in you why not tell him to finish things with her 1st? why start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else?

 

i am 'the wife' or should i say was. 7years iv bin with him, i was 16, married him at 18, gave him 2 sons and have another on the way. yes he was in the wrong, he was the 1 that made the vow to me, not her, but she knew, she says she loves him, but she couldnt hav wen she 1st met him, so why??? if your with a married man do you not think about the family you are breaking up? like i said it wasnt u that made the vow to the wife but does that make it ok to b a part of breaking up a family? i just dont understand, why would you want someone elses husband? im not posting this for sympathy or to make any1 feel bad, i just want to understand.

[carhill]

People can control the behaviors which result from their emotions. Like not acting on feelings they might have for an attached person. Some choose not to act. Some choose to act.

 

Also, wrt to the 'fall in love' part, whether it be emotional or physical, some people omit details like the fact that they're attached when mining ego validation and approval. They lie. Later, when reality rears its head, they'll maintain that they disclosed completely and the OP went into things eyes wide open. This is called rationalization.

 

IMO, and I've been both an OM and MM (EA's only), the responsibility lies with the married or attached person to be clear about their boundaries. They are the one with the commitment. The balance is the OP must necessarily respect those boundaries and control their behaviors and not tempt the MP.

 

Life isn't fair nor is it always easy. Sometimes, the hard work is the best work. If your H/SO wants to save his M/R, he'll do the hard work. If not, well, you've got three lovely children you can thank God for and a mistake for a husband/SO. The OW is really irrelevant, and I say that as having been an OM. That's how it should be. Your relationship is the relevant item here. Best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy

[SouthernLady]

For me, the feelings that I have for him were never intentional. We met at work and at first we just had a good friendship which was normal for about a year. In my situation he has no children.

 

One day, driving home from seeing him and just talking, I realized I had feelings and I just remember feeling so angry at myself as to how stupid I could be to develop feelings for someone who was married. When I met my BF I thought my feelings for the MM would go away, but they didn't. So, eventually, I just pretended like they weren't there.

 

Well, about 4 years went by where we didn't see each other because he moved about 5 hours away, so all of our communication was by phone. I went on vacation where he lives (at the beach) and we met each other (not for physical contact, just to see each other). At the moment I saw him all of the feelings that I had been denying came back stronger than before.

 

Also, during this difficult period of these realizations, I also realize that I have wasted 7 years on someone who can't love me back and 5 years before that I wasted time loving someone who didn't love me back (he wasn't married). So, this whole time, my focus should have been on my BF or at least with someone I have feelings for the same way I do for the MM with someone who is free.

 

Yes, I know I should have just stopped all contact and just stopped the feelings from happening, but I didn't and I am paying the price for all the hurt that will probably last for years to come. In my situation, I do feel bad for what I have done to the MM and W's relationship. Even if there are things she is not aware of, her H has been taking time from their relationship, the same way I have w/my BF. All I hope for now, especially knowing that he chooses to stay M, is that his relationship at home will go back to normal w/o me in his life. I hope the damage I have done is not irreversible (even if the damage is invisible) b/c I don't know about their M.

 

I do know he loves his W and has never uttered a negative word about her, he has never discussed details of their private sex life, and I am sure he will always look back at his relationship with me and be filled with regret.

[OWoman]

as the title states really, if u meet a man, someone u dont no, someone u cant have feelings for, why start something with him knowing hes already got a gf/wife?? does no1 ever think 'the wife' must hav feelings, 'the wife' will get hurt, so u dont no her but shes a person, just like u, she has feelings, just like u and she must love him, to be with him, to have married him, she must really love him. if he says he doesnt love her anymore, its not working why start something? if he doesnt love her, doesnt want her and is so interested in you why not tell him to finish things with her 1st? why start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else?

 

i am 'the wife' or should i say was. 7years iv bin with him, i was 16, married him at 18, gave him 2 sons and have another on the way. yes he was in the wrong, he was the 1 that made the vow to me, not her, but she knew, she says she loves him, but she couldnt hav wen she 1st met him, so why??? if your with a married man do you not think about the family you are breaking up? like i said it wasnt u that made the vow to the wife but does that make it ok to b a part of breaking up a family? i just dont understand, why would you want someone elses husband? im not posting this for sympathy or to make any1 feel bad, i just want to understand.

 

Why should marriage mean more to a single, uncontracted OW than it does to someone who's ensnared in its grasp? Why should someone who is not M respect the institution of M? It's like expecting someone who is Iranian to salute the American flag. Their allegiances are elsewhere, why should they play by the rules of a system they're not subscribed to?

 

IMO, I'm free to hit on anyone I please - and they're free to respond in any way they see fit (within the law). I weigh up the consequences when I make my decision to act or not. They weigh up the consequences when deciding how they wish to respond. If M figures at all in that, it's the problem of those who subscribe to it - if I hit on someone who's M, they're free to say, sorry, I'm M. Or to feel that it doesn't matter enough to them not to go along for the ride. Their choice. It's not my place to be making it for them.

[Thaddeus]

In direct response to the OP's question, here's why:

IMO, I'm free to hit on anyone I please

Blatant narcissism, a complete and utter abrogation of responsibility for their own actions. It's the standard "it's all about ME, screw the rest of the world!" attitude that's so prevalent these days. No respect for the institution of marriage, no respect for the family of the person being hit on, no respect for themselves.

[OpenBook]

Blatant narcissism, a complete and utter abrogation of responsibility for their own actions. It's the standard "it's all about ME, screw the rest of the world!" attitude that's so prevalent these days. No respect for the institution of marriage, no respect for the family of the person being hit on, no respect for themselves.

 

Funny, the exact same thing could be said of the MM who is stepping outside his own M.

[Thaddeus]

Funny, the exact same thing could be said of the MM who is stepping outside his own M.

I completely agree.

[2009]

Why should marriage mean more to a single, uncontracted OW than it does to someone who's ensnared in its grasp? Why should someone who is not M respect the institution of M? It's like expecting someone who is Iranian to salute the American flag. Their allegiances are elsewhere, why should they play by the rules of a system they're not subscribed to?

 

IMO, I'm free to hit on anyone I please - and they're free to respond in any way they see fit (within the law). I weigh up the consequences when I make my decision to act or not. They weigh up the consequences when deciding how they wish to respond. If M figures at all in that, it's the problem of those who subscribe to it - if I hit on someone who's M, they're free to say, sorry, I'm M. Or to feel that it doesn't matter enough to them not to go along for the ride. Their choice. It's not my place to be making it for them.

 

 

i did state in my post that it was HIM that made the vow to me not her, therefore HIM who was responsible. i also said when u meet a man who has a gf/wife so wasnt JUST referring to married men but those in relationships .

anyway the respect that should b present is not for the 'institution of marriage' but the other person in the marriage ie THE WIFE you may not have taken a vow of marriage so fair enough why should you respect vows that arnt yours, BUT you are a woman so why not respect other women? do you not feel guilty? have u ever bin cheated on? do u never think 'what if it was me'?

[Leia]

Easy. They don't have self-respect.

[WalkInThePark]

I did not know that my xMM was married as he had put "separated" in his profile on a datingsite. When I found out that he was married, we both already had feelings. Besides, this man made it sound like he had enough of his M and his W. So I decided to give him a chance clearly specifying that I had no intention to wait for months until he moved forward. As so often happens, eventually he was not ready to leave his M. Wants to give it another go and is going to change some external circumstances hoping things will get better. It won't change the basic unhealthy dynamic of their M and unless they change that, they will be unhappy.

 

I don't feel any guilt towards his W or his M. I didn't do anything wrong. He should have decided to work on his M instead of searching for another relationship and his W should do an effort to be an interesting partner instead of being depressed and moaning all the time over the fact that she has a disabled child. Yes, their child is disabled but her other children are healthy and beautiful, her husband makes a lot of money and does a lot of efforts for her and his family.

[WalkInThePark]

Vows have little value for me. You make a relationship in the here and now. What are vows worth? People marry for a lot of reasons and not all of them are the right ones. People marry because there is an unplanned pregnancy, because they are on the rebound of another relationship, because all their friends marry.

[carhill]

What are vows worth?

 

Well, from the look of my net worth of late, a lot

 

It's just one other aspect of the equation.....some MP choose their net worth and social contracts over their health/happiness and some the reverse. We're all different. The relationship itself is just one small part of the equation, IME. Some people are polyamory but like the social status of monogamy.

 

It still comes back to the MP having personal boundaries and acting to enforce them. No one can 'make' a MP be unfaithful. They choose the actions freely. If they are unhappy or in an unhealthy relationship, they can work on that or end the relationship. We all have our 'reasons' for what we do but are ultimately responsible for our actions. Mine was taking a hit to my net worth and reputation. Lessons have been learned.

[Angel1111]

All your questions are valid and I'm sorry you have been hurt so much. From my perspective, after the relationship I had with xMM, I would never get involved with a MM again.

 

Many times in my life, I have been propositioned by married men and it wasn't even a question in my mind - I'd tell them to get lost and that was the end of it. And before xMM began pursuing me, I never once considered him in a romantic sense because, in my mind, he was married and that was the end of it. But because I knew him, that's probably what gave him the 'in'. He had an impeccable reputation (and still does), so I thought that if he were pursuing me, he had already decided to leave his marriage. In a way, I was right about that but in the end, he couldn't pull it off once faced with the reality of it all. I do know that shortly after we were together, he hinted to someone that he was seriously considering leaving her for me. But he never did, and I got the lesson of a lifetime.

 

So, in my case, it wasn't so much that I wasn't thinking of his wife and kids, it was more that I trusted him and reasoned that their problems happened long before I came along; that I wasn't responsible for the demise of their marriage. Again, all of that was true. What I didn't count on was that he would second-guess himself. Even before he and I got together, he left his wife a year before that and they were separated for a couple of months - so they did, and still do, have serious problems. He's truly in the marriage for his kids and because he doesn't want to go through a messy divorce. But I was the one who ended things between us because the guilt was too much for me.

 

In your case, you need to figure out if this was just a fling for your husband or if the affair was a symptom of on-going serious problems in your relationship. Neither answer is encouraging because if he is prone to cheat just because he likes to cheat, then you have a big problem. And if he cheated because the two of you have serious problems, then you still have a big problem. It is true that affairs are a symptom of big problems, no matter what those problems might be. I know it's easy to focus on the OW and wonder what on earth she was thinking and all that. And that is a valid question. The problem is, there will always be women who are naive and not necessarily meaning to hurt anyone. And there will always be women who enjoy being with a married man because they just get a thrill out of it. As a matter of fact, as a lot of married men will tell you, they get hit on a lot while they're wearing their wedding rings. This is something I have never understood but there you have it.

 

So where does that leave you? I guess you have to decide. The sad thing is, there are no guarantees in life, particularly relationships. We'd all like them, but they're not there. In my case, I was hurt so badly by xMM that it has taken years to recover from what happened between us. I think the reason these relationships are so intense is because they don't fall apart because the people aren't compatible, they fall apart because the man is already in a relationship. It is such a mess all the way around. The only thing I can take from the whole thing is to never let myself get into a situation like that again. The truth is, I don't want his kids or wife to be hurt. That was never my intention. I hope this helps.

[Confused4Now]

as the title states really, if u meet a man, someone u dont no, someone u cant have feelings for, why start something with him knowing hes already got a gf/wife?? does no1 ever think 'the wife' must hav feelings, 'the wife' will get hurt, so u dont no her but shes a person, just like u, she has feelings, just like u and she must love him, to be with him, to have married him, she must really love him. if he says he doesnt love her anymore, its not working why start something? if he doesnt love her, doesnt want her and is so interested in you why not tell him to finish things with her 1st? why start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else?

 

i am 'the wife' or should i say was. 7years iv bin with him, i was 16, married him at 18, gave him 2 sons and have another on the way. yes he was in the wrong, he was the 1 that made the vow to me, not her, but she knew, she says she loves him, but she couldnt hav wen she 1st met him, so why??? if your with a married man do you not think about the family you are breaking up? like i said it wasnt u that made the vow to the wife but does that make it ok to b a part of breaking up a family? i just dont understand, why would you want someone elses husband? im not posting this for sympathy or to make any1 feel bad, i just want to understand.

Honestly this is something my exwife would have posted. Please read Angel1111 post she is dead on right....I agree with her.

[stillafool]

i did state in my post that it was HIM that made the vow to me not her, therefore HIM who was responsible. i also said when u meet a man who has a gf/wife so wasnt JUST referring to married men but those in relationships .

anyway the respect that should b present is not for the 'institution of marriage' but the other person in the marriage ie THE WIFE you may not have taken a vow of marriage so fair enough why should you respect vows that arnt yours, BUT you are a woman so why not respect other women? do you not feel guilty? have u ever bin cheated on? do u never think 'what if it was me'?

 

 

Thaddeus was right, narcissism and that's it. This applies to everyone but as it relates to women I don't know why we women don't have more respect for each other. It baffles me. It's no wonder men treat us the way we do. Look how we treat each other. I equate an affair with stealing. Stealing one's most precious possession. They never think that maybe one day they will be married and how would they feel if some other woman were to try to steal their husband. It doesn't matter whether they have children are not it is their marriage and should be respected. Women want equal rights but they don't give those equal rights to each other. Trashy behavior has become so acceptable in today's climate. It is so easy for them to use excuses like I couldn't help myself, I tried to ignore my feelings. It's so funny how they can control themselves from doing other harmful things to themselves. It's really sad.

[OWoman]

BUT you are a woman so why not respect other women? do you not feel guilty? have u ever bin cheated on? do u never think 'what if it was me'?

 

I don't respect people based solely on their gender, no - just as I don't respect people based solely on their race, height, or any other random physical characteristic. Respect, IMO, like trust, has to be earned. As I spend a great deal of time researching anyone I have an inkling of interest in, to see if they're worth the hormones, I got to know quite a bit about him, and about his toxic then-W. She certainly wasn't worth any respect IMO - nor in the opinion of anyone who knew her, so no, no respect there either ab initio or earned.

 

No, I don't feel remotely guilty. It's worked out for the best for all the people who really matter - so what's to feel guilty about?

 

I've never been cheated on, and have never stopped to think, "what if it was me?". What for? I see programmes on the TV about kids who were kidnapped by Nazis in Poland and taken into the Lebensborn programme, and I don't stop to think, "what if it was me?" either - though I have more sympathy for the Polish kids as they'd done nothing to deserve what happened to them and they weren't hateful people.

[stillafool]

All your questions are valid and I'm sorry you have been hurt so much. From my perspective, after the relationship I had with xMM, I would never get involved with a MM again.

 

Many times in my life, I have been propositioned by married men and it wasn't even a question in my mind - I'd tell them to get lost and that was the end of it. And before xMM began pursuing me, I never once considered him in a romantic sense because, in my mind, he was married and that was the end of it. But because I knew him, that's probably what gave him the 'in'. He had an impeccable reputation (and still does), so I thought that if he were pursuing me, he had already decided to leave his marriage. In a way, I was right about that but in the end, he couldn't pull it off once faced with the reality of it all. I do know that shortly after we were together, he hinted to someone that he was seriously considering leaving her for me. But he never did, and I got the lesson of a lifetime.

 

So, in my case, it wasn't so much that I wasn't thinking of his wife and kids, it was more that I trusted him and reasoned that their problems happened long before I came along; that I wasn't responsible for the demise of their marriage. Again, all of that was true. What I didn't count on was that he would second-guess himself. Even before he and I got together, he left his wife a year before that and they were separated for a couple of months - so they did, and still do, have serious problems. He's truly in the marriage for his kids and because he doesn't want to go through a messy divorce. But I was the one who ended things between us because the guilt was too much for me.

 

In your case, you need to figure out if this was just a fling for your husband or if the affair was a symptom of on-going serious problems in your relationship. Neither answer is encouraging because if he is prone to cheat just because he likes to cheat, then you have a big problem. And if he cheated because the two of you have serious problems, then you still have a big problem. It is true that affairs are a symptom of big problems, no matter what those problems might be. I know it's easy to focus on the OW and wonder what on earth she was thinking and all that. And that is a valid question. The problem is, there will always be women who are naive and not necessarily meaning to hurt anyone. And there will always be women who enjoy being with a married man because they just get a thrill out of it. As a matter of fact, as a lot of married men will tell you, they get hit on a lot while they're wearing their wedding rings. This is something I have never understood but there you have it.

 

So where does that leave you? I guess you have to decide. The sad thing is, there are no guarantees in life, particularly relationships. We'd all like them, but they're not there. In my case, I was hurt so badly by xMM that it has taken years to recover from what happened between us. I think the reason these relationships are so intense is because they don't fall apart because the people aren't compatible, they fall apart because the man is already in a relationship. It is such a mess all the way around. The only thing I can take from the whole thing is to never let myself get into a situation like that again. The truth is, I don't want his kids or wife to be hurt. That was never my intention. I hope this helps.

 

This may all be very true, but the OP is asking why do women do this to each other. She is not asking about the man's responsibility in an affair.

[stillafool]

I don't respect people based solely on their gender, no - just as I don't respect people based solely on their race, height, or any other random physical characteristic. Respect, IMO, like trust, has to be earned. As I spend a great deal of time researching anyone I have an inkling of interest in, to see if they're worth the hormones, I got to know quite a bit about him, and about his toxic then-W. She certainly wasn't worth any respect IMO - nor in the opinion of anyone who knew her, so no, no respect there either ab initio or earned.

 

No, I don't feel remotely guilty. It's worked out for the best for all the people who really matter - so what's to feel guilty about?

 

I've never been cheated on, and have never stopped to think, "what if it was me?". What for? I see programmes on the TV about kids who were kidnapped by Nazis in Poland and taken into the Lebensborn programme, and I don't stop to think, "what if it was me?" either - though I have more sympathy for the Polish kids as they'd done nothing to deserve what happened to them and they weren't hateful people.

 

Again, Narcissism in it's greatest form!

[Angel1111]

This may all be very true, but the OP is asking why do women do this to each other. She is not asking about the man's responsibility in an affair.

 

I think I did address that, along with trying to give her the big picture. My perspective as to why I did what I did was: 1) I knew he was a reputable person so I trusted him and thought he had made the decision that his marriage was over, 2) I reasoned that their problems had nothing to do with me, and 3) I didn't factor in the complexity of him leaving his marriage.

 

And then the generic answer is: 1) there will always be women like me who are naive, and 2) there will always be women who really don't give a fig about his wife and kids. They find married men an easy target, and figure that if he's willing to sleep with her, that's his wife's problem, not hers.

[bentnotbroken]

Based only on what I have read here and other places, there seem to be several reasons. Some have already been stated here.

 

1) Not believing or respecting someone else's life? If we don't believe in something it holds little or no value for us. People who don't mind being with married people don't see anything wrong because in their minds, marriage doesn't hold any significance.

 

2) The thrill of the forbidden. Just because someone says you shouldn't, it makes it instantly more attractive. Got have what I can't have.

 

3) The gold digger syndrome(male or female). They have something that you believe will benefit you(the ow in my situation).

 

4)The "I am different" complex. The person who tells themselves whatever they have to in order to continue the A. They lower the value or position of the BS and elevate the WS to martyr. The WS is doing such and such for the family. They are sacrificing their happiness to keep the family in tack for the children. The WS is battling themselves and their conscious(give me a break)because they are really great people of integrity, respect and honor. We are soul mates. True Love is meant to be. It's too late, we already in love. I bring passion to their life. Blah, blah, blah.

 

5) And "It's just sex. I don't want them full time."

[carhill]

Is there some secret benevolent society that all women are born into where they must trust, respect and support each other until they exit the mortal coil? That's nuts, IMO. Everyone is autonomous. Everyone has free will. Everyone will die in their own bed. Some of the most evil, vacuous humans I've experienced are female and I see them as individuals, humans, not an indictment of their gender, like they're all connected somehow. Methinks some people offer up too much at the altar of others, with expectation. Good luck with that.

[Holding-On]

Again, Narcissism in it's greatest form!

 

Please think about how saying this over and over again is contributing anything at all to this discussion.

 

 

OP

In the case of marriage vows, not everyone's vows are the same. In some marriages flirting is okay, opposite friends, exes for friends are okay, sex before marriage or even sex in marriage is okay. In other marriages none of those things are okay.

 

I think my xMM friend started hitting on me because I was married and assumed I was a safely unavailable person to flirt with. It gave him a lift to be liked back by me.

However, I really liked him and the chemistry between us was very intense so a passion grew. He spoke highly of his wife and from the descriptions of his life it seemed his boundaries were quite open (hugging, flirting etc). By the time I told him that I had an open marriage and liked him a lot my brain chemistry was basically on a high. By the time he told his wife quite a lot of time (4 months) had passed.

 

I was not looking to hurt his wife. I am sure she is a very good person. I wanted her permission. When she said no, I said okay. So my MM and me are very LC, just for work. So basically I handled it very poorly.

[OWoman]

In direct response to the OP's question, here's why:Blatant narcissism, a complete and utter abrogation of responsibility for their own actions.

 

I fail to see how my behaviour constitutes "a complete and utter abrogation of responsibility for my own actions". I went into the A - as into any R - with full comprehension of the consequences, made sure the MM did the same, and have fully faced up to those consequences as they unfolded. Where you detect a lack of responsibility is beyond me. My responsibility boxes are all ticked.

 

I won't comment on the "narcissism" accusation, as I'm not a qualified psychologist and so am wary of making such diagnoses - but my gut feel suggests not.

 

It's the standard "it's all about ME, screw the rest of the world!" attitude that's so prevalent these days.

 

OTC - I'm very involved in a number of "causes", community activities and other social responsibility initiatives. Shows the depth of prejudice some readers bring to posters' responses...

 

No respect for the institution of marriage, no respect for the family of the person being hit on, no respect for themselves.

 

No respect for the institution of marriage I've already stated; but how that got to the others, god alone knows - since the accusations are clearly fallactious. Ask my stepkids, in-laws and others in my H's family if they feel disrespected by me, and they'll likely fall around laughing. It's not the feedback they've given me to date . And ask for self-respect, well, that's not even worth engaging with.

[OWoman]

Thaddeus was right, narcissism and that's it. This applies to everyone but as it relates to women I don't know why we women don't have more respect for each other. It baffles me. It's no wonder men treat us the way we do. Look how we treat each other. I equate an affair with stealing. Stealing one's most precious possession. They never think that maybe one day they will be married and how would they feel if some other woman were to try to steal their husband. It doesn't matter whether they have children are not it is their marriage and should be respected. Women want equal rights but they don't give those equal rights to each other. Trashy behavior has become so acceptable in today's climate. It is so easy for them to use excuses like I couldn't help myself, I tried to ignore my feelings. It's so funny how they can control themselves from doing other harmful things to themselves. It's really sad.

 

This is a masterpiece in flawed logic! I'm going to use it for teaching purposes!

 

Plus, I can't help loving the "spouse as possession" thing - as if the spouse gets "stolen" and has no free will! I guess if you treat your spouse as some THING you own, then you are setting an example of how you'd like to be treated (by your own logic) - as a THING to be discarded, at will, once you no longer appeal.

 

I'm so glad I don't inhabit a universe with that kind of logic!

[tinktronik]

I fail to see how my behaviour constitutes "a complete and utter abrogation of responsibility for my own actions". I went into the A - as into any R - with full comprehension of the consequences, made sure the MM did the same, and have fully faced up to those consequences as they unfolded. Where you detect a lack of responsibility is beyond me. My responsibility boxes are all ticked.

 

I won't comment on the "narcissism" accusation, as I'm not a qualified psychologist and so am wary of making such diagnoses - but my gut feel suggests not.

 

 

 

OTC - I'm very involved in a number of "causes", community activities and other social responsibility initiatives. Shows the depth of prejudice some readers bring to posters' responses...

 

 

 

No respect for the institution of marriage I've already stated; but how that got to the others, god alone knows - since the accusations are clearly fallactious. Ask my stepkids, in-laws and others in my H's family if they feel disrespected by me, and they'll likely fall around laughing. It's not the feedback they've given me to date . And ask for self-respect, well, that's not even worth engaging with.

A lack of responsibility in the knowledge that your actions do effect others. You just don't care how or why.