if you know he's married why start a relationship?

[stillafool]

This is a masterpiece in flawed logic! I'm going to use it for teaching purposes!

 

 

And, while you are at it, why don't you also use your own bad conduct to teach others how not to act in society!

[stillafool]

Is there some secret benevolent society that all women are born into where they must trust, respect and support each other until they exit the mortal coil? That's nuts, IMO. Everyone is autonomous. Everyone has free will. Everyone will die in their own bed. Some of the most evil, vacuous humans I've experienced are female and I see them as individuals, humans, not an indictment of their gender, like they're all connected somehow. Methinks some people offer up too much at the altar of others, with expectation. Good luck with that.

 

 

I am only talking about women here because that is what the OP asked. I think respect should be given to all genders.

[Lizzie60]

I completely agree with OW...

 

I've never been married.. never will.. because I think that vows are only verbal bs when two persons are head over heels in love with each other.. which only last for a short time.. when things go wrong.. those vows are all crap.. out the window..

 

I think it's the person who made the vows (for what they're worth) that should be blamed.. no one else..

 

Plus not all A are discovered and breaking the M.

[MizFit]

I was a BS and I never blamed the OW. I disliked her intensely, but that was because she and I worked together and I had disliked her for years before the A. When my H cheated the direction of my anger went to him and nowhere else.

 

Now I'm an OW and I'm much like OWoman...I have no feelings one way or the other for the W. That may sound heartless, but her husband was looking when he found me...if it hadn't been me it would have been someone else. He is the one breaking his vows and lying to his wife.

 

I've never cheated on anyone so I don't understand his mind any more than I did that of my ex-husband...I just know they were both determined to commit adultery and the participant doesn't matter. Women get jealous of porn...marriages break down because of it. To me that's not different than having an AP in the eyes of some Ws...there's nothing personal about porn...no one participating to feel guilty...no one to hate.

 

I'm sure there will be loads of comments, but those are my feelings both as a BS and an OW.

[stillafool]

as the title states really, if u meet a man, someone u dont no, someone u cant have feelings for, why start something with him knowing hes already got a gf/wife?? does no1 ever think 'the wife' must hav feelings, 'the wife' will get hurt, so u dont no her but shes a person, just like u, she has feelings, just like u and she must love him, to be with him, to have married him, she must really love him. if he says he doesnt love her anymore, its not working why start something? if he doesnt love her, doesnt want her and is so interested in you why not tell him to finish things with her 1st? why start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else?

 

i am 'the wife' or should i say was. 7years iv bin with him, i was 16, married him at 18, gave him 2 sons and have another on the way. yes he was in the wrong, he was the 1 that made the vow to me, not her, but she knew, she says she loves him, but she couldnt hav wen she 1st met him, so why??? if your with a married man do you not think about the family you are breaking up? like i said it wasnt u that made the vow to the wife but does that make it ok to b a part of breaking up a family? i just dont understand, why would you want someone elses husband? im not posting this for sympathy or to make any1 feel bad, i just want to understand.

 

There you have it 2009. Your answer is women don't care about you, your kids or anything that you thought was yours. You just have to accept that this is the way life is and will always be. I hope this doesn't make you not respect other women as a result of your pain. Karma really does win in the end and what you put out you will get back, but only more. So try to be a good person and treat people as you would want to be treated. I wish you luck!

[MizFit]

There you have it 2009. Your answer is women don't care about you, your kids or anything that you thought was yours. You just have to accept that this is the way life is and will always be. I hope this doesn't make you not respect other women as a result of your pain. Karma really does win in the end and what you put out you will get back, but only more. So try to be a good person and treat people as you would want to be treated. I wish you luck!

 

So what makes 2009 any different than 1999 or 1959...men had affairs and it was normally with other women. I am not treating the BS in any way at all...her H is. If he were a closet homosexual and it were a man 'disrespecting' the W would this be viewed differently...would you be bashing him for treating the W in a certain way?

[bentnotbroken]

So what makes 2009 any different than 1999 or 1959...men had affairs and it was normally with other women. I am not treating the BS in any way at all...her H is. If he were a closet homosexual and it were a man 'disrespecting' the W would

 

this be viewed differently...would you be bashing him for treating the W in a certain way?

 

 

I don't know about bashing...but yes. I would feel the same way. I do feel the same way. I watched a friend fight her way through the upheaval of her family and life because her H cheated...with a man. I don't think it matters "the who" of AP.

[tinktronik]

So what makes 2009 any different than 1999 or 1959...men had affairs and it was normally with other women. I am not treating the BS in any way at all...her H is. If he were a closet homosexual and it were a man 'disrespecting' the W would this be viewed differently...would you be bashing him for treating the W in a certain way?

 

LMAO. The OP's name is 2009.

[CarbonCopy]

For me, I didn't seek this out. It just happened and progressed. At first I was doing it just to enjoy myself and I guess to indulge in a fantasy that I always had. But it stops being "fun" VERY quickly when real feelings start developing.

 

I never felt guilty because as others have said, HE'S the married one. He's the one to made the vows and I'm single and can do as I please. I guess I also justified it by saying if not with me, then with someone else (because I'm a firm believer that with 99% of men, if given the right person/right circumstances/right opportunities, they WILL cheat). But still, that doesn't make it right that I got involved with a married man and I know it was wrong.

[stillafool]

So what makes 2009 any different than 1999 or 1959...men had affairs and it was normally with other women. I am not treating the BS in any way at all...her H is. If he were a closet homosexual and it were a man 'disrespecting' the W would this be viewed differently...would you be bashing him for treating the W in a certain way?

 

 

Again, the original poster is talking to and about women. Of course I think any MM who cheats is worst than the OW. But this is not about men it is about women. I think men should ask themselves the same questions and start to show the same respect to each other.

[fooled once]

I did not know that my xMM was married as he had put "separated" in his profile on a datingsite. When I found out that he was married, we both already had feelings. Besides, this man made it sound like he had enough of his M and his W. So I decided to give him a chance clearly specifying that I had no intention to wait for months until he moved forward. As so often happens, eventually he was not ready to leave his M. Wants to give it another go and is going to change some external circumstances hoping things will get better. It won't change the basic unhealthy dynamic of their M and unless they change that, they will be unhappy.

 

I don't feel any guilt towards his W or his M. I didn't do anything wrong. He should have decided to work on his M instead of searching for another relationship and his W should do an effort to be an interesting partner instead of being depressed and moaning all the time over the fact that she has a disabled child. Yes, their child is disabled but her other children are healthy and beautiful, her husband makes a lot of money and does a lot of efforts for her and his family.

 

WOW -- How in the hell do you know what his wife is or isn't doing?? Are you there? What do YOU know about raising a disabled child? And in your view she should be happy only 1 is disabled? Wow. Just wow.

 

And you can't make me believe you fell in love with him and didn't know he was married. I can understand not knowing in the beginning because HE LIED; but come on.. how well did you know him if you didn't know he was MARRIED?

[stillafool]

You know it really is okay that you women don't feel any guilt. I'm just different. I have had many, many MM hit on me throughout my life and some I were extremely attracted to. But, I always put them in their place immediately (and in a way they would never ask again) when they would come on to me because I always felt I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. Also I always thought, I'm not that special - if he does this to her he would do this to me. My idea of Mr. Right was never of a man who was married trying to get a date with me. But that's just me. I've never had to be an OW because my time was always occupied by a lot of single men.

[fooled once]

Thaddeus was right, narcissism and that's it. This applies to everyone but as it relates to women I don't know why we women don't have more respect for each other. It baffles me. It's no wonder men treat us the way we do. Look how we treat each other. I equate an affair with stealing. Stealing one's most precious possession. They never think that maybe one day they will be married and how would they feel if some other woman were to try to steal their husband. It doesn't matter whether they have children are not it is their marriage and should be respected. Women want equal rights but they don't give those equal rights to each other. Trashy behavior has become so acceptable in today's climate. It is so easy for them to use excuses like I couldn't help myself, I tried to ignore my feelings. It's so funny how they can control themselves from doing other harmful things to themselves. It's really sad.

 

Great post and I agree with Thadd that it is the "me, me, me" syndrome that so many today have. I want it and I am going to have it; don't care who I have to hurt, run over, etc to get what I want.

 

And you are right, it is sad that so many women have no respect for other women and their relationships.

 

This is why I really don't feel sorry for too many OW who get hurt. They KNEW he was married, they believed the line of bull they got from this guy and for many, many, many of them -- they choose their wife and marriage. In an affair, rest assured, at least 1 person is going to be very hurt; and most likely it is the spouse who has no idea what is going on or the affair partner. Very rarely is it the cheater who has to feel part of the destruction they produce. It is either the wife who is blindsided by it or the OW who believed the lies of "I am leaving my wife".

[tinktronik]

OP although I would like to believe that people are "generally good" and that everyone thinks of others as being valuable, this is not the case. There are certain people who simply don't care what damage they cause as long as it does not leak onto them and taint there little slice of life. The W in the relationship is worthless, not of their concern and therefore does not exist as a valuable human being in their minds. I think more than people are willing to admit there is a competitive thrill to taking something or winning the day. I also think that many OW engage in extramarital relations because there is a power or control component to it and there is none of the daily grind.

 

These same people may be "generally good" people in other aspects of their lives, and others that are "generally good" in this aspect may lack in some other. I personally find it a sad and somehow defective view.

[fooled once]

I fail to see how my behaviour constitutes "a complete and utter abrogation of responsibility for my own actions". I went into the A - as into any R - with full comprehension of the consequences, made sure the MM did the same, and have fully faced up to those consequences as they unfolded. Where you detect a lack of responsibility is beyond me. My responsibility boxes are all ticked.

 

I won't comment on the "narcissism" accusation, as I'm not a qualified psychologist and so am wary of making such diagnoses - but my gut feel suggests not.

 

 

 

OTC - I'm very involved in a number of "causes", community activities and other social responsibility initiatives. Shows the depth of prejudice some readers bring to posters' responses...

 

 

 

No respect for the institution of marriage I've already stated; but how that got to the others, god alone knows - since the accusations are clearly fallactious. Ask my stepkids, in-laws and others in my H's family if they feel disrespected by me, and they'll likely fall around laughing. It's not the feedback they've given me to date . And ask for self-respect, well, that's not even worth engaging with.

 

OW - a question for you.

 

Are you married? Is your spouse the man you had an affair with?

 

If you are married, do you respect the institution of marriage? Would you be okay if you found out your H cheated on you?

 

I am NOT trying to be snarky or anything -- I am honestly trying to understand your views.

[bentnotbroken]

OP although I would like to believe that people are "generally good" and that everyone thinks of others as being valuable, this is not the case. There are certain people who simply don't care what damage they cause as long as it does not leak onto them and taint there little slice of life. The W in the relationship is worthless, not of their concern and therefore does not exist as a valuable human being in their minds. I think more than people are willing to admit there is a competitive thrill to taking something or winning the day. I also think that many OW engage in extramarital relations because there is a power or control component to it and there is none of the daily grind.

 

These same people may be "generally good" people in other aspects of their lives, and others that are "generally good" in this aspect may lack in some other. I personally find it a sad and somehow defective view.

 

 

Sad but true.

[fooled once]

I guess I am of a very small minority -- when I was with a MM, i DID feel guilty. I felt guilty for continuing to see her husband. I felt guilty for the feelings I developed. I felt guilty for hurting her.

 

Ultimately, I do believe that the MM was WAY more out of line/to blame/should be held responsible; but I knew he was married (although like so many, he lied and said he was separated).

 

I have a hard time with how so many OW blame the wife -- she didn't do this, she didn't do that. They fail to see how maybe either she has no idea the marriage is so horrible or that maybe she was neglecting her spouse. So many OW jump on the fact that the wife may be busy with career, raising children, activities, etc and LOVE to blame the wife for the husband cheating (if she put out more, if she was more attentive, if she communicated more, if she didn't nag so much, if she was more physically fit, etc). It makes me at how much the OW blame the wife for the man for sneaking around, for lying etc. And it is these same wives who have such a strong hold on these men that he just can't give up all that horrible treatment to be with the OW -- oh that's right, he is staying for the kids

 

Unless the OW is living in the house since the start of the marriage, she has NO idea what has transpired in the marriage. She has no idea if the MM has been abusive, dismissive, uninterested, has erectile dysfunction with the wife, has nasty temper tantrums, has disgusting hygiene habits, etc to maybe, just maybe make the wife in turn be dismissive, disinterested, etc.

 

It takes two to really keep a marriage healthy; but it can only take 1 to tear a marriage apart.

[ladydesigner]

Unless the OW is living in the house since the start of the marriage, she has NO idea what has transpired in the marriage. She has no idea if the MM has been abusive, dismissive, uninterested, has erectile dysfunction with the wife, has nasty temper tantrums, has disgusting hygiene habits, etc to maybe, just maybe make the wife in turn be dismissive, disinterested, etc.

 

That is right Fooled Once in fact I know my husband cheated on me because I was not being intimate with him enough. Well there were a lot of issues, my H's arrest, living with in-laws raising kids. Yes all of this led to his cheating and I can damn well say that if the OW were to go through all these things she wouldn't want my H either:laugh:

[isa25]

I really agree with OWoman here.

 

This might be an unpopular concept, but I think the burden to act responsibly is ONLY on the married individual. Sorry, that's just how I feel. I have no obligation to someone else based soley on our shared gender. That's a ridiculous concept to me.

 

Once a married man conceives the idea of cheating, it's downhill from there. I didn't lure him in with my overpowering sense of seduction. He wanted to cheat. And that's where the real problem lies.

 

If he can't control himself or doesn't care enough about the sanctity of his marriage... then why should I be expected to? Is that really fair?

[Leia]

You know it really is okay that you women don't feel any guilt. I'm just different. I have had many, many MM hit on me throughout my life and some I were extremely attracted to. But, I always put them in their place immediately (and in a way they would never ask again) when they would come on to me because I always felt I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. Also I always thought, I'm not that special - if he does this to her he would do this to me. My idea of Mr. Right was never of a man who was married trying to get a date with me. But that's just me. I've never had to be an OW because my time was always occupied by a lot of single men.

 

Yip. I guess there isn't a lot of single men where most of these OW live in.

 

If you are married, do you respect the institution of marriage? Would you be okay if you found out your H cheated on you?

 

Don't you know already? Most OW here feel that MM won't ever cheat on them!

[MizFit]

Yip. I guess there isn't a lot of single men where most of these OW live in.

 

 

 

Don't you know already? Most OW here feel that MM won't ever cheat on them!

 

Wrong Leia...my ex husband did cheat on me and I knew the OW. It was his decision...he broke the vow...he committed adultery--not her. If it hadn't been her it would have been someone he lied to and brought into it. It has nothing to do with the OW, it has everything to do with the H.

 

As an OW now...I feel many emotions, but not one of them is involved around the person he is married to--that's up to him to feel guilty about.

[MizFit]

Great post and I agree with Thadd that it is the "me, me, me" syndrome that so many today have. I want it and I am going to have it; don't care who I have to hurt, run over, etc to get what I want.

 

And you are right, it is sad that so many women have no respect for other women and their relationships.

 

This is why I really don't feel sorry for too many OW who get hurt. They KNEW he was married, they believed the line of bull they got from this guy and for many, many, many of them -- they choose their wife and marriage. In an affair, rest assured, at least 1 person is going to be very hurt; and most likely it is the spouse who has no idea what is going on or the affair partner. Very rarely is it the cheater who has to feel part of the destruction they produce. It is either the wife who is blindsided by it or the OW who believed the lies of "I am leaving my wife".

 

I am not running over someone else...MM is. As everyone here says so very often I'm not in the middle of their marriage (as in living in the house)...I have no idea if he's lying to me, but I have no idea he isn't. I take the point of view that I trust what he says until there's something that tells me not to. I don't automatically respect someone I don't know...if I walk down the street and see a woman walking towards me I certainly owe her no respect at all. If she becomes part of my life and earns it, fair enough.

 

It's not my job to respect and protect the W...it's his.

[Leia]

Wrong Leia...my ex husband did cheat on me and I knew the OW. It was his decision...he broke the vow...he committed adultery--not her. If it hadn't been her it would have been someone he lied to and brought into it. It has nothing to do with the OW, it has everything to do with the H.

 

As an OW now...I feel many emotions, but not one of them is involved around the person he is married to--that's up to him to feel guilty about.

 

If you took the time to read some of the back threads on here, you'd know what I was talking about .

[MizFit]

If you took the time to read some of the back threads on here, you'd know what I was talking about .

 

I've probably spent 4 or 5 hours sporadically reading different posts back up to 4 years...I'm sorry, but I haven't memorized everyones posts and stories. I don't expect anyone to remember me and every post I'll write.

 

If it's important enough you'll add it to your posts for we 'newbies'.

[Leia]

I've probably spent 4 or 5 hours sporadically reading different posts back up to 4 years...I'm sorry, but I haven't memorized everyones posts and stories. I don't expect anyone to remember me and every post I'll write.

 

If it's important enough you'll add it to your posts for we 'newbies'.

 

It's ok, you'll catch up