if you know he's married why start a relationship?

[MistyK]

What kind of woman would do that? Its a fair question Misty, if you don't like the answers or what they imply, that's your problem.

 

 

Again, here we are back to bashing OW. What KIND of woman - a trashy, self absorbed one apparently. I would think that any of the BS's that stuck around here awhile would see that just isn't true, but perhaps the need to put down the OW to feel better about oneself supercedes more rational thought.

 

Yeah, I don't like the answers. I don't think these blanket statements are either fair or accurate. (all OW don't give a crap about anyone else or who they hurt, all OW are pathtic and needy, narcissists, etc). It would be as ridiculous as saying all BW are frigid, stupid, and fat. More importantly, are the people here all willing to swear that they've NEVER done anything that could lead to hurting someone they don't know. I doubt it very much. Does that make you narcissists and totally self-absorbed then?

[MistyK]

Do YOU live in a house while thousands across the ocean have nothing to eat and nowhere to live?

 

You're grasping at straws, Misty. There's a WORLD of difference, and you know it.

 

No, no there's not. When you do what you want in spite of knowing it will hurt someone else, perhaps very badly, then you're being selfish. You willing to claim you've NEVER done such a thing?

[Leia]

Again, here we are back to bashing OW. What KIND of woman - a trashy, self absorbed one apparently. I would think that any of the BS's that stuck around here awhile would see that just isn't true, but perhaps the need to put down the OW to feel better about oneself supercedes more rational thought.

 

Yeah, I don't like the answers. I don't think these blanket statements are either fair or accurate. (all OW don't give a crap about anyone else or who they hurt, all OW are pathtic and needy, narcissists, etc). It would be as ridiculous as saying all BW are frigid, stupid, and fat. More importantly, are the people here all willing to swear that they've NEVER done anything that could lead to hurting someone they don't know. I doubt it very much. Does that make you narcissists and totally self-absorbed then?

 

If you read some of the posts, you would agree with some of us. I know what you're going to say next : that you don't see how OW are trashy, self-absorbed and the likes because you don't want to see it.

[MistyK]

No.Yes, before I knew what conflict diamonds were all about. I know better now.

 

I understand your point perfectly. And I stand by my assertion.

 

My point is simply that everyone here has done something at one point or another that hurt someone we didn't know. The level of the offense varies, but the point remains the same - what is the benefit of trying to label THAT KIND OF WOMAN so everyone here can sit back and pat themselves for being morally superior?

[donnamaybe]

No, no there's not. When you do what you want in spite of knowing it will hurt someone else, perhaps very badly, then you're being selfish. You willing to claim you've NEVER done such a thing?

 

Within the parameters of my ability to make a difference (i.e. I WILL LIVE IN A HOUSE, even though there are others who have none) and MOST especially when I have time to weigh the situation (affairs most often go on and on and on with LOTS of time to change the error of one's ways) I do NOT crap all over other people to get my way. No.

[MistyK]

Within the parameters of my ability to make a difference (i.e. I WILL LIVE IN A HOUSE, even though there are others who have none) and MOST especially when I have time to weigh the situation (affairs most often go on and on and on with LOTS of time to change the error of one's ways) I do NOT crap all over other people to get my way. No.

 

Donna. Seriously. You don't hurt the homeless by living in a house. But say, if your house was built via child labor, then you've hurt someone else to get what you want. Choosing between a builder who uses fair labor practice and one who does not = choosing between a man who has a wife and one who does not = Choosing to buy blood diamonds vs cubic zirconia. We all make bad choices sometimes. It doesn't in itself make any one of us bad, trashy, or self-absorbed people. Doesn't ANYBODY GET this?

[MistyK]

The simple answer to the original question: Why would a woman get with a married man?

 

Because they made a bad choice. They made that choice for a reason and that reason is different for everyone, but it is almost NEVER borne out of desire to hurt anyone else.

 

Fair enough?

[jj33]

What I am saying Wishes is that this thread is CLEARLY dedicated to bashing OWs because NOTHING anyone can say would satisfy someone who has been betrayed by their spouse.

 

Im saying the thread is dedicated to bashing. Not that there is no good reason just that the point of this thread is NOT to find one - its to bash.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Im saying the thread is dedicated to bashing. Not that there is no good reason just that the point of this thread is NOT to find one - its to bash.

 

What was it in this NEW posters thread that makes you think she was trying to bash? I see an honest question, and I've been there myself, so I know its probably haunting her and what brought her here to begin with. Honestly, I came here with the same question. I did assume OW were trashy, uneducated, ect... I was surprised to find some women who were otherwise decent, intelligent, and quite likable. You being one JJ. Someone who has never experienced infidelity in their lives (friends family) honestly wants to grasp that. Someone who can't imagine doing that to someone else, can't quite fathom it. That's not bashing, just because the answers aren't pretty, doesn't make it bashing.

[Thornton]

as the title states really, if u meet a man, someone u dont no, someone u cant have feelings for, why start something with him knowing hes already got a gf/wife?? does no1 ever think 'the wife' must hav feelings, 'the wife' will get hurt, so u dont no her but shes a person, just like u, she has feelings, just like u and she must love him, to be with him, to have married him, she must really love him. if he says he doesnt love her anymore, its not working why start something? if he doesnt love her, doesnt want her and is so interested in you why not tell him to finish things with her 1st? why start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else?

 

i am 'the wife' or should i say was. 7years iv bin with him, i was 16, married him at 18, gave him 2 sons and have another on the way. yes he was in the wrong, he was the 1 that made the vow to me, not her, but she knew, she says she loves him, but she couldnt hav wen she 1st met him, so why??? if your with a married man do you not think about the family you are breaking up? like i said it wasnt u that made the vow to the wife but does that make it ok to b a part of breaking up a family? i just dont understand, why would you want someone elses husband? im not posting this for sympathy or to make any1 feel bad, i just want to understand.

 

If I meet a guy and I like him, I'll date him if he wants to date me. Whether he is married or not is his responsibility, not mine. If he doesn't respect his own marriage, why should I respect it?

 

To answer your question about: you're a woman, so why not respect other women? Well, I don't give a damn about other women - if I see a guy I want I'll take him if I can, and if you can't hang onto him and keep him interested in you then that's your problem. Plus, other women didn't give a damn about me when they stole my bfs, so why should I give a damn about them? If I get married and someone tries to steal my husband, then I have faith in my ability to keep him interested so he'll say no thanks - but if he does decide to cheat, that's his fault, not the OWs... and arguably it's my fault for choosing such a jerk to get married to in the first place.

 

The only reason I generally don't date MM is because I don't get enough of their time and attention - I want to be the only woman in a man's life, so if I'm not getting all of his attention then it's a no-go; I will not share. So if I don't date MM it's because of my own selfish desires, not out of any misguided sense of loyalty to his W. I have no qualms about taking a man away from another woman if I want him and can take him away completely without having to share him - you have to take what you want in life because nobody is going to hand it to you on a plate, it's kill or be killed.

[MistyK]

What was it in this NEW posters thread that makes you think she was trying to bash? I see an honest question, and I've been there myself, so I know its probably haunting her and what brought her here to begin with. Honestly, I came here with the same question. I did assume OW were trashy, uneducated, ect... I was surprised to find some women who were otherwise decent, intelligent, and quite likable. You being one JJ. Someone who has never experienced infidelity in their lives (friends family) honestly wants to grasp that. Someone who can't imagine doing that to someone else, can't quite fathom it. That's not bashing, just because the answers aren't pretty, doesn't make it bashing.

 

IWWH - the OP was not here to bash, that is obvious. Everyone else though took it as open invitation to bash OW. I don't think anyone thought the original post was insulting. It sounded like a humble, genuine question for understanding. What she got though, was a bunch of people answering with the angry venom that is neither accurate nor helpful.

[donnamaybe]

Donna. Seriously. You don't hurt the homeless by living in a house.

 

No, but you could live in a modest apartment and donate to a cause that would help others live in a modest apartment.

 

Or don't go to the "all you can eat" bar at a restaurant and throw out a half a plate of food.

 

Recycle or not.

 

There are many things all of us could consciously DO to make someone else's life better.

 

There are also things all of us could consciously NOT do to NOT make someone else's life worse, within the realm of our ability to do so.

 

I mean, we could all quit driving cars too.

[bentnotbroken]

So can I assume that everyone here (particularly the BS's) is vegan, buys only free-trade products and doesn't own any precious gems?

 

Yeah, that's what I thought. Plenty of "normal" people do things everyday, knowing full well that it negatively impacts other people and don't care. Sure, we all to believe that hurting another woman by having an affair with her H is worse because she's geographically or seemingly "closer" to us than the people getting killed to bring you your Folgers, but really, it's the same. You don't care about people you don't know. So honestly, the tirades here about narcissim and sociopathic traits in OW's is both hypocritical and total crap. Get. Off. The. High. Horse.

 

 

No I am not vegan, how does this equate with having sex with a someone else's spouse? And no I don't own any precious gems, too cheap to pay that cost?

 

I don't believe most AP are narcissists. I was married to one, so I am completely aware of what those traits are. But it is apples and oranges to compare what you are talking about and free trade.

[bentnotbroken]

IWWH - the OP was not here to bash, that is obvious. Everyone else though took it as open invitation to bash OW. I don't think anyone thought the original post was insulting. It sounded like a humble, genuine question for understanding. What she got though, was a bunch of people answering with the angry venom that is neither accurate nor helpful.

 

 

 

Misty you are wrong. I neither bashed any of the ow here or posted out of venom and I no more care for your blanket statements than you care for the ones you perceive others using to describe ow.

[MistyK]

There are many things all of us could consciously DO to make someone else's life batter.

 

But this isn't about making someone else's life better or letting them be the way they are. This is about the choice to actively hurt someone to get what you want or not. It's very different, IMP.

 

For instance - you see a homeless person. You have three choices: help them, ignore them, or kick them. The first is honorable, the second indifferent, the 3rd is outrightly hurtful. You see a married man who wants to date you. You can: offer him marriage counseling, ignore him, or get involved with him at the risk of hurting his family. The first is unrealistic - I think we can agree on that. The third is dicey - it's not as easy to see that it's hurtful like kicking someone. Especially when you have some MM telling you he's on the way out or seperated. Still not a good choice, but life is not always clear cut.

[bentnotbroken]

If I meet a guy and I like him, I'll date him if he wants to date me. Whether he is married or not is his responsibility, not mine. If he doesn't respect his own marriage, why should I respect it?

 

To answer your question about: you're a woman, so why not respect other women? Well, I don't give a damn about other women - if I see a guy I want I'll take him if I can, and if you can't hang onto him and keep him interested in you then that's your problem. Plus, other women didn't give a damn about me when they stole my bfs, so why should I give a damn about them? If I get married and someone tries to steal my husband, then I have faith in my ability to keep him interested so he'll say no thanks - but if he does decide to cheat, that's his fault, not the OWs... and arguably it's my fault for choosing such a jerk to get married to in the first place.

 

The only reason I generally don't date MM is because I don't get enough of their time and attention - I want to be the only woman in a man's life, so if I'm not getting all of his attention then it's a no-go; I will not share. So if I don't date MM it's because of my own selfish desires, not out of any misguided sense of loyalty to his W. I have no qualms about taking a man away from another woman if I want him and can take him away completely without having to share him - you have to take what you want in life because nobody is going to hand it to you on a plate, it's kill or be killed.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Words to live by I would say. I think that's why the world is as nice a place as it is.

[Thaddeus]

why start a relationship with a man already committed to someone else?

Here's another element to it that's worth considering:

other women didn't give a damn about me when they stole my bfs, so why should I give a damn about them?

Translation: The world/the universe/other women did me wrong, so I'm justified. Screw the rest of the world (no pun intended), I'm looking out for #1 regardless of the consequences to anyone else.

 

Pretty sad way to live, frankly.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The only reason I generally don't date MM is because I don't get enough of their time and attention - I want to be the only woman in a man's life, so if I'm not getting all of his attention then it's a no-go; I will not share. So if I don't date MM it's because of my own selfish desires, not out of any misguided sense of loyalty to his W. I have no qualms about taking a man away from another woman if I want him and can take him away completely without having to share him - you have to take what you want in life because nobody is going to hand it to you on a plate, it's kill or be killed.

 

See, here is an honest answer. She's not making excuses or appologies. She is who she is. Fair enough.

 

What might one ascertain about this poster from the information she has given?

[bentnotbroken]

Is there some secret benevolent society that all women are born into where they must trust, respect and support each other until they exit the mortal coil? That's nuts, IMO. Everyone is autonomous. Everyone has free will. Everyone will die in their own bed. Some of the most evil, vacuous humans I've experienced are female and I see them as individuals, humans, not an indictment of their gender, like they're all connected somehow. Methinks some people offer up too much at the altar of others, with expectation. Good luck with that.

 

 

Nope. We were all born into the same society, the human race, but we don't respect each other enough to even do humane right. Generally speaking of course.

[MistyK]

 

What might one ascertain about this poster from the information she has given?

 

I know what you are getting at. All I'm saying is that few women have this attitude. That kind of sentiment isn't typical of OW. Don't paint me or jj33 or Mino or GEL with that very broad brush. KWIM?

[donnamaybe]

The third is dicey - it's not as easy to see that it's hurtful like kicking someone. Especially when you have some MM telling you he's on the way out or seperated. Still not a good choice, but life is not always clear cut.

 

Of course, and in most cases the MM/MW DOES lie - in fact, when their lips move!

 

But in other cases you have people who JUST DO NOT CARE. I've seen the posts on LS that plainly state they don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

 

Kind of cold hearted, innit? You don't come across this way, Misty, so I don't know why you're getting so defensive.

[bentnotbroken]

I know what you are getting at. All I'm saying is that few women have this attitude. That kind of sentiment isn't typical of OW. Don't paint me or jj33 or Mino or GEL with that very broad brush. KWIM?

 

 

As long as all BS aren't painted with the bitter brush. I'm not bitter and I feel like you in constantly having to defend myself to not be bitter and still have an opinion.

[Leia]

Of course, and in some cases the MM/MW DOES lie - in fact, when their lips move!

 

But in other cases you have people who JUST DO NOT CARE. I've seen the posts on LS that plainly state they don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

 

Kind of cold hearted, innit? You don't come across this way, Misty, so I don't know why you're getting so defensive.

 

Thanks for this post, donnamaybe. I was wondering the same thing. I know how sensitive OW are so I always make sure I put "some" so I don't know why some get so defensive over other posts.

[Thornton]

I'm not an OW. I just generally have the attitude that in life you should look after #1, because nobody else is going to do it - I learned that lesson the hard way, by being cheated and taken advantage of by other people. As long as it's not illegal (which dating a MM isn't) then I can do what I like, it's a free country. If he's married or in a relationship, that's his problem, not mine. If his wife/gf can't hang onto him, that's her problem, not mine. Why should I give a crap about anyone else anyway? They don't do me any favours...

[stillafool]

The simple answer to the original question: Why would a woman get with a married man?

 

Because they made a bad choice. They made that choice for a reason and that reason is different for everyone, but it is almost NEVER borne out of desire to hurt anyone else.

 

Fair enough?

 

No it only for the desire to please one's self. No matter who gets hurt.