if you know he's married why start a relationship?

[MistyK]

Of course, and in some cases the MM/MW DOES lie - in fact, when their lips move!

 

But in other cases you have people who JUST DO NOT CARE. I've seen the posts on LS that plainly state they don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.

 

Kind of cold hearted, innit? You don't come across this way, Misty, so I don't know why you're getting so defensive.

 

I'm getting defensive because this poster asked why a woman would want to be an OW was greeted with the response that OW are trashy self-absorbed b*tches. Some are. But few. People could have said lots of things, but instead opted for the lowest common denominator.

 

I look at it this way. What if this OP was the BW in my case? Would I want you all rushing to say that you think I'm a narcissistic, self-serving, b*tch with an entitlement complex? Not really. I'm not suggesting people ought to defend any OW's actions, just suggesting that one could offer food for thought rather than an assertion about what's "so obviously" in the brain of her particular OW.

[donnamaybe]

Why should I give a crap about anyone else anyway? They don't do me any favours...

 

Round and round we go...

 

This reminds me of my friend who refuses to recycle because "I'm only one person. What difference does it make?"

[MistyK]

No it only for the desire to please one's self. No matter who gets hurt.

 

Sigh. Generally, when an A starts, both the MM and the OW believe (however inaccurately) that no one will get hurt. The A is supposed to stay in the dark, with no one the wiser. The larger picture isn't part of the process at that point. Hurting anyone isn't even on the radar.

[stillafool]

All the OP asked for is why do women start a relationship with a man who they know are married? It seems that most of the OW who answered her post kept bringing up the MM responsibility in the affair and said little as to why they chose to screw someone else's husband. Why can't people answer that question for her? Leave the MM out of it and talk about why you did it.

[donnamaybe]

I'm getting defensive because this poster asked why a woman would want to be an OW was greeted with the response that OW are trashy self-absorbed b*tches.

 

My example was the saying of "Do unto others..."

 

Why is that so far fetched?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know what you are getting at. All I'm saying is that few women have this attitude. That kind of sentiment isn't typical of OW. Don't paint me or jj33 or Mino or GEL with that very broad brush. KWIM?

 

I have painted NO ONE with a broad brush. I do consider the act of engaging in an affair WRONG, hurtful regardless of the excuse, and its not at all a theme in my posts, I learned early on that was a moot point here.

 

I understand that the A's happen under different circumstances, though I can't image the reason for the A or how it came about influencing the amount of pain experienced by the BS. Unless ofcourse the OW was a trusted friend.

 

I'm intersted to understand what separates the 4 of you from the other OW here? Is it something about how the A began? I know GEL was misled by her now H. I don't remember that being the case with JJ. What is the common denominator with you 4, I can't put my finger on it?

[stillafool]

Sigh. Generally, when an A starts, both the MM and the OW believe (however inaccurately) that no one will get hurt. The A is supposed to stay in the dark, with no one the wiser. The larger picture isn't part of the process at that point. Hurting anyone isn't even on the radar.

 

Maybe some OW don't believe anyone will get hurt because the OW I'm talking about didn't know that he was a MM in the first place. But, the MM (definitely knows but doesn't care) and any grown woman (over 25) who willingly enters an affair knows someone will get hurt. That is unless she is totally stupid.

[jj33]

Thanks Wishes. In the spirit of that then I will add my 2c.

 

Not every "infidelity" is an infidelity that breaks or is intended to break up someone's family. Sometimes spouses agree to go their own ways and stay married (as in my case). That means that you can be the OW without there being a BS. So not every situation is the same.

 

In fact from what I have seen on here and in real life most WSs arent cheating because they WANT to break up the family - now that divorce is legal in all 50 states, there are easier ways to break up a family than to cheat. And the % of women who are barracudas out trying to steal someone else's man is nominal.

 

I cant speak for other people with authority, but in many cases it seems that MM tell people I am in the process of leaving my wife, I am about to leave my W etc etc etc which for someone who wants a relationshp might be OK.

 

Personally Ive never met a separated man who was separated enough for me to feel comfortable dating him but I can imagine that if I met someone who I thought was "the man for me" and I believed what he was saying I might be more open to it.

 

To the OP, you have NO idea what your H told this woman. And what he has told YOU he said may be tailored to make himself seem like less of a jerk (that is known as throwing someone under the bus - she came onto me, she wouldnt leave me alone, I was weak... history rewritten).

 

Some of the things that they come up with are diabolical. And the number of people women who are simply "OK" with the fact that the man is cheating on his W is far less than you would like to imagine.

 

A MM doesnt have half as much to offer a woman who wants a FT relationship in her life as a single man does, so typically they have to really try to get a woman (who wants a FT relationship) to get involved with them. And often that involves spinning a yarn. Often the OW has no reason to question it.

 

I know thats probably not what you want to hear but it is the truth.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sigh. Generally, when an A starts, both the MM and the OW believe (however inaccurately) that no one will get hurt. The A is supposed to stay in the dark, with no one the wiser. The larger picture isn't part of the process at that point. Hurting anyone isn't even on the radar.

 

So the answer is, we didn't think you would find out? What you don't know can't hurt you? It doesn't hurt the family until someone finds out??? That is completely untrue, but I can see how it might make sense at the time if one needed to believe it badly enough.

[stillafool]

If he's married or in a relationship, that's his problem, not mine. If his wife/gf can't hang onto him, that's her problem, not mine. Why should I give a crap about anyone else anyway? They don't do me any favours...

 

 

 

OP this is it in a nutshell. This is how they feel about the entire world so no wonder they don't care about you. Play on Thornton, play on.

[Meaplus3]

Well, I am just thinking that I don't believe one always knows that they are going to start a relationship. I know in my case I got involved with a mm who lived right next door to me. We started off as friends and then there was flirting that lead to attraction and boom.. before I knew it I was deep in an emotional affair. At the time I was VERY miserable in my marriage. My sense of self was pretty low and this guy made me feel good. Now, back as to why one would get involved if they new the guy was married? I guess it really depends on what is going on inside the persons head. Hope I helped.

 

Mea:)

[jj33]

I wasnt misled his W knew and didnt care. I have met her. I was no more important to her than the gardner. She probably misses me now... now that xMM is hers to handle all by herself.... (he he) God knows shes probably at him to find someone new.

[MistyK]

I have painted NO ONE with a broad brush. I do consider the act of engaging in an affair WRONG, hurtful regardless of the excuse, and its not at all a theme in my posts, I learned early on that was a moot point here.

 

I understand that the A's happen under different circumstances, though I can't image the reason for the A or how it came about influencing the amount of pain experienced by the BS. Unless ofcourse the OW was a trusted friend.

 

I'm intersted to understand what separates the 4 of you from the other OW here? Is it something about how the A began? I know GEL was misled by her now H. I don't remember that being the case with JJ. What is the common denominator with you 4, I can't put my finger on it?

 

There are others too - we aren't under the impression that what we did was right or good or in any way admirable. We don't act like we are entitled, we don't think the world owes us something and we certainly don't act like "all is fair in love and war". If, however, you want to argue that we're all the same, same as any OW who gets off on being with married guys and the idea that she can "steal" him, then I can so no more. We are not the same.

[jj33]

The common denominator is that we are all nice intelligent caring women. The circumstances of our affairs were all different.

[stillafool]

Thanks Wishes. In the spirit of that then I will add my 2c.

 

Not every "infidelity" is an infidelity that breaks or is intended to break up someone's family. Sometimes spouses agree to go their own ways and stay married (as in my case). That means that you can be the OW without there being a BS. So not every situation is the same.

 

In fact from what I have seen on here and in real life most WSs arent cheating because they WANT to break up the family - now that divorce is legal in all 50 states, there are easier ways to break up a family than to cheat. And the % of women who are barracudas out trying to steal someone else's man is nominal.

 

I cant speak for other people with authority, but in many cases it seems that MM tell people I am in the process of leaving my wife, I am about to leave my W etc etc etc which for someone who wants a relationshp might be OK.

 

Personally Ive never met a separated man who was separated enough for me to feel comfortable dating him but I can imagine that if I met someone who I thought was "the man for me" and I believed what he was saying I might be more open to it.

 

To the OP, you have NO idea what your H told this woman. And what he has told YOU he said may be tailored to make himself seem like less of a jerk (that is known as throwing someone under the bus - she came onto me, she wouldnt leave me alone, I was weak... history rewritten).

 

Some of the things that they come up with are diabolical. And the number of people women who are simply "OK" with the fact that the man is cheating on his W is far less than you would like to imagine.

 

A MM doesnt have half as much to offer a woman who wants a FT relationship in her life as a single man does, so typically they have to really try to get a woman (who wants a FT relationship) to get involved with them. And often that involves spinning a yarn. Often the OW has no reason to question it.

 

I know thats probably not what you want to hear but it is the truth.

 

Nor did it answer her question.

[jj33]

Well wwwwEwwEL

[MistyK]

So the answer is, we didn't think you would find out? What you don't know can't hurt you? It doesn't hurt the family until someone finds out??? That is completely untrue, but I can see how it might make sense at the time if one needed to believe it badly enough.

 

That's my point. It's part of preserving your sense of stability at the time. You can't look too far ahead because you can't handle what's there yet.

[MistyK]

Nor did it answer her question.

 

Actually it did:

Question: Why would a woman want to be involved with an MM?

Answer: Because MM lie to the OW to get them to agree to the relationship.

[jj33]

What I was trying to say was then it makes my response no different than countless others on this thread.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I know thats probably not what you want to hear but it is the truth.

 

I agree that when there is an EA as well as a PA that this is MOST often the case. Add to that, that a MM can court and romance in a way that no single guy EVER could (unless he had intentions of M) without being tied down. A MM can promise a woman the world because he "can't" ever give it to her, because of his little "situation".

 

I believe this is why XOW have such a hard time finding a SG that appeals to them.

 

That is the truth of what pulls an OW in, what attracts her, but what makes it "right" in her mind? Someone else said it was OK? As much as the OW as well as the BS can't get that the MM wants both people in his life, I can never wrap my head around an OW thinking its right because he said he wasn't happy. I have resigned myself to just accepting both because I'm not wired to understand.

[stillafool]

There are others too - we aren't under the impression that what we did was right or good or in any way admirable. We don't act like we are entitled, we don't think the world owes us something and we certainly don't act like "all is fair in love and war". If, however, you want to argue that we're all the same, same as any OW who gets off on being with married guys and the idea that she can "steal" him, then I can so no more. We are not the same.

 

Your actions most certainly are the actions of someone who thinks they are entitled.

[Thornton]

All the OP asked for is why do women start a relationship with a man who they know are married? It seems that most of the OW who answered her post kept bringing up the MM responsibility in the affair and said little as to why they chose to screw someone else's husband. Why can't people answer that question for her? Leave the MM out of it and talk about why you did it.

 

I've had affairs with guys who were already in relationships, though they were never married. Why? Because I wanted to, and I didn't care if it hurt his gf... I didn't want to hurt her on purpose, I just didn't give a crap about her feelings. I tend to look after #1, so if I want to do something, I do it, without considering how it would affect anyone else... as long as I get what I want, that's all that matters to me. Does that answer your question?

[stillafool]

Actually it did:

Question: Why would a woman want to be involved with an MM?

Answer: Because MM lie to the OW to get them to agree to the relationship.

 

You are putting the blame on the MM. I agree if you didn't know he was a MM and got involved and fell in love. But if you knew he was married (no matter what he said) why would you enter into a relationship with a MM? Because for me if I knew a man was married, anything else he said would be null and void. I wouldn't give him a chance to "sweet talk" me unless he was doing it to the back of my head as I walked away.

[donnamaybe]

I've had affairs with guys who were already in relationships, though they were never married. Why? Because I wanted to, and I didn't care if it hurt his gf... I didn't want to hurt her on purpose, I just didn't give a crap about her feelings. I tend to look after #1, so if I want to do something, I do it, without considering how it would affect anyone else... as long as I get what I want, that's all that matters to me. Does that answer your question?

 

 

This attitude is part of why the world is beginning to REALLY suck.

[MistyK]

Your actions most certainly are the actions of someone who thinks they are entitled.

 

In having the affair. Yes, you're correct. But, if I drink a glass of wine, does that make me an alcoholic? I made a mistake, it's not a lifestyle choice. At least for me.