if you know he's married why start a relationship?

[Lizzie60]

I see a lot of : you (OW) know that you are hurting someone else's family...

 

Like I said previously..I disagree... maybe the OW is NOT hurting anyone.. maybe she is contributing to their good M...

 

Let's say, two people, both married and not quite happy with the sex life in their M.. let's say they both lack that intimacy, the kissing, the kinky sex... etc..

 

After 2 weeks or so (depend on their level of sexual need).. the MP who has no intimacy at home.. get stressed.. upset ..their need for sex is high.. and they know it will only lead to conflict if they bring it up with their partner.. they've done that a million times and nothing has changed... they don't want to leave because of their lifestyle, children, friends, etc.....

 

The 2 APs get together.. have monkey sex.. for hours... they are relieved... happy.. go home to their respective spouse.. are in a good humour.. they don't argue.. since they have nothing to argue about.. (the main argument being sex).... the other spouse is also happy since he/she is left alone.. everyone is happy.. the children don't feel any tension at home.. all is great..

 

Not all As are harmful... some can be therapeutic..

[isa25]

So I have your permission, then, to drive carelessly and put the lives of others in danger? I have your permission to steal from the corner store? It's now OK to slug someone in the head simply because their presence offends me? After all, I'm just looking out for #1, right? Nobody else's feelings or my impact on their lives should matter to me, right?

 

Cool! I could get used to this Looking Out For #1 Regardless of the Consequences thing!

 

 

You're talking about issues of personal safety (e.g. driving recklessly, punching someone) or illegal acts (e.g. stealing) versus hurting someone's feelings. That is comparing apples to oranges. Try having a rational, logical discussion instead of making sweeping generalizations based on one comment.

[donnamaybe]

You're talking about issues of personal safety (e.g. driving recklessly, punching someone) or illegal acts (e.g. stealing) versus hurting someone's feelings. That is comparing apples to oranges. Try having a rational, logical discussion instead of making sweeping generalizations based on one comment.

 

 

Okay. So a boyscout comes to the door selling popcorn. Do you buy some, even if you don't really want it? Or do you do like my jackass brother-in-law and yell at him and slam the door in his face?

 

They hypotheticals could be positively ENDLESS!

 

I think you knew what he was getting at.

[confusedinkansas]

to drive carelessly and put the lives of others in danger? I have your permission to steal from the corner store?

 

I swear...some people here just love to go overboard with analagies.

 

Both parties involved in an affair are JUST AS MUCH / EQUALLY to blame for said affair.

Women who BLAME the other woman for stealking their man...I mean, REALLY! Like your husband did not play a part in the affair?

And MEN - who want to beat up the other man that was involved with his wife....Come on!

[herenow]

I see a lot of : you (OW) know that you are hurting someone else's family...

 

Like I said previously..I disagree... maybe the OW is NOT hurting anyone.. maybe she is contributing to their good M...

 

Let's say, two people, both married and not quite happy with the sex life in their M.. let's say they both lack that intimacy, the kissing, the kinky sex... etc..

 

After 2 weeks or so (depend on their level of sexual need).. the MP who has no intimacy at home.. get stressed.. upset ..their need for sex is high.. and they know it will only lead to conflict if they bring it up with their partner.. they've done that a million times and nothing has changed... they don't want to leave because of their lifestyle, children, friends, etc.....

 

The 2 APs get together.. have monkey sex.. for hours... they are relieved... happy.. go home to their respective spouse.. are in a good humour.. they don't argue.. since they have nothing to argue about.. (the main argument being sex).... the other spouse is also happy since he/she is left alone.. everyone is happy.. the children don't feel any tension at home.. all is great..

 

Not all As are harmful... some can be therapeutic..

 

I bet the BW and BH would disagree with you.

[bentnotbroken]

You're talking about issues of personal safety (e.g. driving recklessly, punching someone) or illegal acts (e.g. stealing) versus hurting someone's feelings. That is comparing apples to oranges. Try having a rational, logical discussion instead of making sweeping generalizations based on one comment.

 

 

It's not just hurting some one's feelings. It's shaking the way they view themselves and others. The sense of trust in others, even one's own judgement. For those who aren't strong enough, it hurts their self esteem, especially when you are talking about someone who is pregnant or dealing with a serious illness. In some cases it puts the BS's health at risk(it happened to me and at least 3 other women I know). In some cases it's bringing a child into the world without the consent of one of the married partners. In a few cases it introduces an unstable person into the lives of the family members(this also happened in my case). There are a number of things happen.

 

Just as has been stated that people get involved for different reasons. Different consequences are visited on the bs because of A's. From STD's, to the extreme of murder(Steve McNair).

[donnamaybe]

I swear...some people here just love to go overboard with analagies.

 

And some people just LOVE to be conveniently obtuse so as to COMPLETELY miss the point.

[Thornton]

So I have your permission, then, to drive carelessly and put the lives of others in danger? I have your permission to steal from the corner store? It's now OK to slug someone in the head simply because their presence offends me? After all, I'm just looking out for #1, right? Nobody else's feelings or my impact on their lives should matter to me, right?

 

Cool! I could get used to this Looking Out For #1 Regardless of the Consequences thing!

 

Well obviously what you proposed wouldn't be sensible - you'd end up in jail if you hit someone or stole something. In that case your desire not to suffer the consequences overrides your desire to do a certain thing - I suppose you could say you desire not to go to jail, so you therefore choose not to steal! There would be negative personal consequences for me if I stole something, which is why I don't do it... in that case looking out for #1 means not stealing, because #1 doesn't want to go to jail! But there are no negative personal consequences from having an affair with a married man - there are negative consequences for other people such as his wife, but that doesn't affect me personally so I don't really care.

 

 

My sweety gives me a LOT. Things I don't even ask for! As a result, he gets the same love and consideration from me.

 

If I were a "look out for me me ME" kind of person, I wouldn't have a man like him.

 

Oh, that's different - that's reciprocation. Sort of, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. It makes sense to care about someone else in that situation, because they care about you in return. Of course I would care about my partner and family, because they're mine... sometimes looking out for other people is to your benefit. I look out for family because they do the same for me. I look out for people at work because it benefits me in terms of reputation and promotion. I look out for my friends because it benefits me in terms of having companionship. But why should I look out for someone I never met, such as a MM's wife? Caring about her wouldn't benefit me at all - in fact caring about her would be detrimental to me if I wished to take her husband.

[herenow]

Also, if the MM cared so much about his lifestyle, children, friends, etc (like Lizzie says) , he wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. Like many on this thread, he only cares about himself.

 

Some say that the MM stays for anything but love for his wife. If he loves the OW, why would he hurt her? Why wouldn't he do what millions of other men have done and get a divorce? Why wouldn't he want to give his wife the chance at true love? Why would't he want to be a good example to his kids instead of a lying cheater? Why? because he only cares about himself.

 

So it makes no sense that he would stay for any other reason than because it's what he wants to do.

[Thaddeus]

The self-justification for bad behavior - that is, getting involved with a married person (regardless of gender) - in this thread is just completely over the top.

 

It's looks very much like a little kid plugging his/her ears when they don't want to hear something and shout, "I'M NOT LISTENING! I'M NOT LISTENING!"

 

I suppose some people can justify anything to themselves. Hey, I guess if it helps assuage a guilty conscience, then so be it.

 

I'm so done here.

[donnamaybe]

Oh, that's different - that's reciprocation. Sort of, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

 

You'd be surprised how this works on a larger scale as well.

 

Back to the "Do unto others..." thing once again. Someone being kind to you inspires a wish to do kindness back. I tend to remember kindnesses more than wrongdoings as regards how I treat the rest of mankind. If someone screws me over, I put them out of my circle. I don't allow them latitude to do it again. BUT I REFUSE to allow someone like that to change me into a bitter, hateful person who uses and abuses others to get mine, mine, mine!

[Thornton]

Okay. So a boyscout comes to the door selling popcorn. Do you buy some, even if you don't really want it? Or do you do like my jackass brother-in-law and yell at him and slam the door in his face?

 

They hypotheticals could be positively ENDLESS!

 

I think you knew what he was getting at.

 

Ok, well look at it this way:

 

It doesn't benefit me to be nasty to the boy scout, so I may as well be nice - it's probably to my benefit to be nice anyway, because you never know when I might cross his path again.

 

But not caring about a MM's wife's feelings does benefit me, because I get her husband. Being respectful of her marriage would actually be to my detriment.

 

In summary: You might as well hedge your bets and be nice, unless there's a personal benefit in being nasty, which there is if you're talking about stealing a man that you want for yourself.

[herenow]

Long ago I realized that every time I wished something bad to happen to someone else. something bad happened to me. I was a kid and I learned not to wish for bad things to happen to others.

 

When I found out abut my H's OW, I didn't wish for anything bad to happen to her. I really didn't care what happened to her either way good or bad. All I wished is anything bad that she may have wanted for me or my family went her way. Let's just say, she would be better off if she wished me well or just left us alone like we did her.

[stillafool]

It's a typical story of a woman wanting what she can't have. MM are out of reach in most cases for anything more than just a fling and that drives a woman crazy. She must win his affection and make him love her to soothe her ego and make her feel beautiful. It's similiar to a donkey chasing a carrot. They don't want a single because the affection is already there and she has won the game already before she even played.

 

 

 

I have to agree with this also. It is "ego" and the "wanting what someone else" has syndrome which is rampant these days. I think it does make them feel they are the "most beautiful" to make a man forget he has a wife (and kids) for them. It's really sad.

[isa25]

Okay. So a boyscout comes to the door selling popcorn. Do you buy some, even if you don't really want it? Or do you do like my jackass brother-in-law and yell at him and slam the door in his face?

 

They hypotheticals could be positively ENDLESS!

 

I think you knew what he was getting at.

 

What I was getting at is that the hypotheticals you guys are proposing AREN'T RELEVANT, EQUAL ANALOGIES. Just like your boyscout scenario. It's comparing apples to oranges again. Furthermore, you act as if there are only two mediums of behavior-- yelling at the boyscout, or buying some popcorn.

 

Oh well. I think there have been a lot of sensible posts in this discussion and I for one have benefited from reading some of them.

[Thornton]

No kidding!

 

I mean, don't we take others into consideration when we simply move our cart around through the grocery store, for example?

 

It doesn't benefit me to smack my grocery cart into people. It benefits me to steal a man I want for myself. I'm talking about looking out for #1 and doing what benefits you personally - there's no point in doing silly antisocial things that don't benefit you personally, especially if they could result in you getting thumped by an angry shopper.

[herenow]

But not caring about a MM's wife's feelings does benefit me, because I get her husband. Being respectful of her marriage would actually be to my detriment.

 

In summary: You might as well hedge your bets and be nice, unless there's a personal benefit in being nasty, which there is if you're talking about stealing a man that you want for yourself.

 

Do you have any care for anyone but yourself? Do you care about the poor or hungry? Do you do anything chartable? Do you only give of yourself if you get some benefit? Wow, I really didn't want to belive that peole like you exist. You proved me wrong.

 

I don't know your story so I have to ask: did you really get her H or does he still go home to his wife?

[stillafool]

\The OW who do not feel they are responsible for the pain that the A causes the BW are very hypocritical when they come here and blame MM for their own pain. Or the ones who get upset when the MM goes back to his wife. Why is that a problem? Why should the MM or BW care about the feelings of the OW? If the MM's promise to the BW didn't mean anything, why would anything the MM promised the OW be meaningful? After all the BW doesn't owe the OW anything right?

 

 

Exactly. Why is it when OW get hurt by the MM they run here and talk about how horrible he is that he hurt them but they give no thought to what hurt they have caused his wife. Then they get mad at her for taking back what was already hers. I don't get it. If you are so callous then don't get mad when the game is over.

[donnamaybe]

It doesn't benefit me to smack my grocery cart into people. It benefits me to steal a man I want for myself. I'm talking about looking out for #1 and doing what benefits you personally - there's no point in doing silly antisocial things that don't benefit you personally, especially if they could result in you getting thumped by an angry shopper.

 

Maybe you want that big watermelon somone has their eye on and you wanna beat 'em to it. Maybe you're running late and you want to get in front of that old woman tottering her way to the line.

 

Me first, right?

[Angel1111]

It will never serve any of us to do things that are hurtful to others. That's just the truth. It's simply not a good pattern to get into in our lives. Not to say that we won't ever do things that hurt others, but to say that you have absolutely no respect for someone else's marriage just because the MM doesn't, is a bad habit to get into. That, in essence, is saying that you hinge your standards on someone else's.

 

Whether we know the wife or not, so many people are impacted by an affair and it is extremely devastating. If it's found out, the MM's wife and kids are very hurt, along with the OW's kids if she has any. When I was seeing xMM, it absolutely killed me to think about the reaction of his kids and my son if they ever knew. It was a strong motivation for us to keep things very quiet, and for me to finally walk away. I wanted no part of causing that kind of pain to anyone. If it were up to xMM, we'd still be seeing one another. But his reasons are his own, they have nothing to do with what I think is right. And that's what it ultimately came down to - I couldn't justify causing someone else that kind of pain.

[stillafool]

Some OW have feelings of rancor when a MM has sex with his own wife!

 

 

Yes and I don't understand that either. They have the nerve to be upset!:lmao:

[herenow]

 

 

 

Exactly. Why is it when OW get hurt by the MM they run here and talk about how horrible he is that he hurt them but they give no thought to what hurt they have caused his wife. Then they get mad at her for taking back what was already hers. I don't get it. If you are so callous then don't get mad when the game is over.

 

The BW is supposed to be gracious towards the OW and not fight for her marriage, but it's OK for the OW to be bitter when the MM stays with his wife.

 

I was very gracious when I told my H he should go be with the OW. I even handed him the phone to call her and tell her he was on his way. He wouldn't go. He wasn't staying with me since I kicked him out. A hotel was a better choice for him than the OW even when she begged him to come stay with her.

[donnamaybe]

Ok, well look at it this way:

 

It doesn't benefit me to be nasty to the boy scout, so I may as well be nice - it's probably to my benefit to be nice anyway, because you never know when I might cross his path again.

 

But not caring about a MM's wife's feelings does benefit me, because I get her husband. Being respectful of her marriage would actually be to my detriment.

 

In summary: You might as well hedge your bets and be nice, unless there's a personal benefit in being nasty, which there is if you're talking about stealing a man that you want for yourself.

 

But you MIGHT wind up crossing the BS's path, and she might just kick the living sh-t outta ya.

[donnamaybe]

What I was getting at is that the hypotheticals you guys are proposing AREN'T RELEVANT, EQUAL ANALOGIES. Just like your boyscout scenario. It's comparing apples to oranges again. Furthermore, you act as if there are only two mediums of behavior-- yelling at the boyscout, or buying some popcorn.

 

Oh well. I think there have been a lot of sensible posts in this discussion and I for one have benefited from reading some of them.

 

Some people in this thread REFUSE to see the point so they can continue in their little selfish games.

 

We get it.

[stillafool]

If he was married I'd still feel the same way - as long as he was actually going to divorce his wife and didn't expect me to be his bit on the side. Nowadays a marriage license means nothing anyway, you can get married and divorced in an afternoon and it's hardly a social stigma any longer. Society has eroded the value and sanctity of marriage such that both marriage and divorce are pretty much meaningless nowadays.

 

 

No because in marriage the wife gets - HALF and more. The OW gets a pair of wet panties. Oh,and trinkets.