How can I win back my separated wife? (sorry so long!)?

[FeelingLonely98]

She is 47 years old. I am a little younger. Been married 8 years – together 16 years. (Two sons (17 & 18) for me, one for her) . She told me two years ago that she was upset and that I needed to change the fact that I was quite opinionated and controlling in some ways and it annoyed her. (I always stupidly felt there was a “right” way to do things and felt free to tell anyone – including my wife) Also, that I did not take her son (now 19 yrs old) in as close as my own sons. Anyway, she told me a month ago that she wants to be independent and leave. I also found out she is seeing an 19 yr. old guy and was for a few weeks prior to when she broke all of this to me. She said I didn’t change enough and she feels she no longer loves me. I was shocked as in every other way I am really a great husband. She was always the center of my world. I always complimented her, helped with much of the house, provided well, loved her unconditionally… She had nowhere to go as she didn’t have a job and didn’t have any money saved up. Well, she didn’t want to try to fix it but stayed here at home anyway. I didn’t want to kick her out. 10 days ago she moved to her Mom’s house. I was devastated. I’ve lost 30 lbs. since she first told me. I am not functioning well (job, friends, family, eating, work, …)

 

The day after all this happened a month ago – I reflected deeply and spoke to her son, my step-son. I told him how sorry I was and I made amends with him. We get along great now and I love him dearly. Also, I realized all these little stupid petty “controlling” ways are stupid and I have removed that from system. Honestly, these controlling ways are all out of my system – whether with my wife or not. Also, I’ve made many other improvements in my life, mentality, household, … If my wife comes home I will try to help her be the happiest woman in the world - though I know it must start with her..

 

She tells me and her son that she no longer feels in love with me. I just want her to try and dig deep inside and find some piece of her heart for me and let’s start there and build it back - focus on the positive changes and the good life ahead of us. To give it one chance. I do realize it has been building for a few years - but it has also all moved so fast to get where it is now. However, I would venture even with our not-perfect marriage (no marriage is perfect, is it?) – I bet ours was better than the average. She just reached the point where she was no longer happy enough.

 

In spite of all she has done – I still love her and want her back. We are not really in contact for 8 days now save for one phone call and one email yesterday (didn’t go well – said she needs space).

 

This screams mid-life crisis all over it right? I am sure the 19 yr. old BF feels like fun, makes her feel good and young, and has a lot to do with her telling me she is not in love and wants to be independent and also is keeping her from giving us 1 last chance. I don’t know if I should just ignore her and helplessly wait – in case she wants to come home? Should I be more aggressive and continue trying to talk? She says she does NOT want to talk about more of the same stuff (are you making a mistake, please come home, we can make this work, …) She seems so adamnant – in spite of the fact that I have changed everything about myself. Even working out and now I have the body I did back in college - thin, muscles again. Maybe I should in a week or two and send flowers? Ask her to go to lunch?

 

What can I do? I am eternally gratefully for any good suggestions. If you have been in this situation or similar and have worked through it I am especially anxious to read your response.

I really want her back!! :-(

 

Thanks!!

[LakesideDream]

FL98, The truth is that you can't do anything to "win her back". Everything you try to do will blow up in your face. She is holding the cards. She doesen't even need a reason to leave the relationship.

 

It's a "no fault" walk away world. There will be advise coming from others, with "plans" on what to do, including "the 180". Truth is none of it really works. Even if she comes back for awhile, that will be what it is, for awhile until she eventually finds what she's looking for.

 

The 19 year old isn't really the threat. He's just a symptom. There is no happiness for a 47 year old persuing a 19 year old. It's just a diversion. She's obviously reaching for youth, specifically her "lost youth" that was "lost" long before she met you.

 

While there are exceptions to every rule, they are rare. I'm afraid you are in for a long lonely journey. Prepare yourself. Try to be graceful. Don't whine, and beg it won't do you any good at all, it will only harm you short and long term. Start becoming ready to live life on your own again.... it's coming or already here. Sorry.

[RedDevil66]

I'm sorry you're going through this stress, it is very hard to lose someone you love.

 

I would like to say this, you said it seems like she's going through a "mid life crisis"<--- saying that takes the blame off of your responsibilities in the break-down on the marriage and puts it all on her.

 

Women RARELY leave a marriage just like that. She more than likely built up years of resentment and having someone else pay attention to her just made it easire to leave.

 

You say you worked on the issue with her son and saw the err of your ways, but only saw this once she left.

This says to me you're only changing to win her back but not changing for your own self.

 

No flowers, no lunch, she doesn't trust you or believed you changed.

 

You need to let her spread her wings. Work on your own shortcomings for you and not to win her back.

 

And I find it really interesting how people step up to the plate only after they lost someone they love. I bet she was complaining for years about your shortcoming and you never made an effort to change? Am I right?

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks for your wise words RD66 and LD.

[Gunny376]

Got to go with Lakeside.

 

Once a woman makes her mind up to leave?

 

She's not going! She's gone!

 

She left you mentally, emotionally, spiritually months and months before she ever left you physically.

 

There's no getting her back.

 

I advocate the 180's not for getting her back.

 

But for regaining your own self respect/dignity back.

[RedDevil66]

Got to go with Lakeside.

 

Once a woman makes her mind up to leave?

 

She's not going! She's gone!

 

She left you mentally, emotionally, spiritually months and months before she ever left you physically.

 

There's no getting her back.

 

I advocate the 180's not for getting her back.

 

But for regaining your own self respect/dignity back.

 

I agree, women can take and take and take. They love, they try and they want things to work, but when a women is gone, she's gone and rarely can reignite her feelings.

[floridapad]

What has been Said Is true. Women can and do reignite their feelings but it is extraordinarily rare. SHE has to want to and right now and possibly forever she may not want to. I will say this. I know two couples whose wives had affairs where the wife came back and they remained happily together. It took two years in both cases. I do not know the secret ingredient but I will say in both cases, the men completely stopped talking about the relationship, accepted that the marriage as they knew it was over, emotionally worked on themselves for themslves (and not the wife) and started dating and moving on with their lives. There is NOTHING you can say to her right now. In fact it WILL push her further away. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that this is MLC. Focus on yourself. Do the 180's for yourself and start detaching with love. You are in for a long haul and chances are very slim but if you still want the marriage you must put distance between you and youR wife so that she can spread her wings and you can greive and accept the situation for what it is and start working on yourself. Good luck you are in the beginning and it is tough. I was where you were at 5 months ago and it wasn't until I started detaching that she started wondering about me and not heraffair partner. But you have GOT to do it for yourself and not to get your wife back. That is the only way.

[Gunny376]

What has been Said Is true. Women can and do reignite their feelings but it is extraordinarily rare. SHE has to want to and right now and possibly forever she may not want to. I will say this. I know two couples whose wives had affairs where the wife came back and they remained happily together. It took two years in both cases. I do not know the secret ingredient but I will say in both cases, the men completely stopped talking about the relationship, accepted that the marriage as they knew it was over, emotionally worked on themselves for themslves (and not the wife) and started dating and moving on with their lives. There is NOTHING you can say to her right now. In fact it WILL push her further away. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that this is MLC. Focus on yourself. Do the 180's for yourself and start detaching with love. You are in for a long haul and chances are very slim but if you still want the marriage you must put distance between you and youR wife so that she can spread her wings and you can greive and accept the situation for what it is and start working on yourself. Good luck you are in the beginning and it is tough. I was where you were at 5 months ago and it wasn't until I started detaching that she started wondering about me and not heraffair partner. But you have GOT to do it for yourself and not to get your wife back. That is the only way.

 

Truer words have never been spoken.

[floridapad]

FL

 

I read your other post but decided to respond to that one here. If you have truly discovered and fixed your issues at the deep level all within 30 days you are a truly incredible man who is far ahead of where many of us were at in your time frame. But......honestly.....keep digging.You still have a ways to go. I thought the same thing at your time frame only to realize I wasn't finished getting myself back. I spent many sleepless nights examining myself in EVERY relaionship I had since I was a child. my relationship with childhood friends, parents, girlfriends, brothers sisters wife my own children, my dog , my cat, my kids ferret. Ok I'm joking on the last couple but I think you catch my drift. Doing this takes 100% honesty and focus on the self. You will Find yourself having to forgive yourself for some of your ways going back to childhood. You may cry. You will WANT to cry because then you know you are feeling it as apposed to just knowing it. But without this reflection on ALL relationships(especially with your parents) and not just your wife you may need to go back to the drawing board. This is not about getting your wife back right now. It's about discovering and learning about yourself to make deep changes necessary to be there for your wife in the future or another future wife. I apolgize for any mispellings or butchered English. I'm trying to type this on my phone

[singledad2]

I'm with Florida.

 

I see so much of my earliest thinking in your story. Yes, I think my wife is in MLC too, but I still had to recognize my part in this that made it a destructive MLC instead of constructive. I hope to turn into a better man and father because of it, but moving forward is requiring acceptance of the situation. There is so much posted here that is about letting this relationship go. Its already gone. Anything in the future is a NEW relationship, so go grieve the loss of this one, the dreams, the hopes that were attached to it. Its the only way forward. 6 weeks in and I feel 200 times better than 3 weeks in, and the big difference is that back then I was willing to forgive and forget, and now I am no way going to trust that woman with my family again in any way shape or form. A lot would have to change with her learning to be happy with who she is before I would entertain it. She will come and go as long as she has a safety net you are holding. But be ready for the next thing in your life and use that control you are so accustomed to on yourself and make the changes FOR YOURSELF not her.

 

Good luck. I hope to see you get through this.

[sadhubby]

i got my wife back we are still together things are great, but i have to live with what happend . we hashed it out so to speak i had to take a good look at myself and what i did to push our marriage apart. and yes i was to blame for some of it too. women are emotional creatures it gets there better judgment how affairs happen in my opinion.. how it started to change around for me i moved to another state didnt call her at all. she would call every 5 days with some b.s. and i would act like it didnt bother me much it was hard beleive me they are good at throwin a bone at ya to get you to snap and beg for them. about after a month of this i just basically said dont call me any more unless you are interested in making this work out !!! im moving on to better things and i just dont want this torture anymore. in that quick sentence it all changed brother like a light switch we talked for about 3 hours after that about our problems in a good way it was amazing . we had been seperated for 4 months at that point and papers were filed and sighned it was almost final, so hope isnt always lost. just be prepared to play the chess game of your life !!

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks Gunny, Sadhubby, SingleDad, FloridaPad, others - I'm realizing all of this now.

 

After many days of NC - I requested a meeting and talked to her (1 last time?) two days ago. Not a talk like any others in the 5 weeks since she blindsided me with this. I basically told her the following:

- I want you to be happy & I wish you the best.

- I would still like a chance to make this work again but the desire is leaving my system fast. I mentioned that if she has a change of heart of feels something for the relationship to come and let's talk. Told her I would NOT accept her back now as she is. I would send her away until she is sure that she loves me again - not that she is going to "TRY" again.

- I am moving forward - Getting out - meeting people - working out -having fun - focusing on job again (1st time in 4 weeks!)

- I have definitely made myself a better person (including the issues that contributed to her having the A. And, I made it clear that I am doing this for ME and not for her.

She still insisted that she was going to continue with the OM and needed to get her own place.

 

Anyway, I believe she thought it was a good meeting and not what she expected, i.e., that I would be pleading with her, telling her is making a mistake, etc. We had the "meeting" in a public place (her request). I walked her to her car, gave her a kiss on the cheek and walked away. As I circled out of the parking lot and was stopped on the street I noticed her still in the car. I'm certain she was crying. She didn't see me at the stop light - her car interior was illuminated by a street light.

 

As sort of a test - I asked before we left shall we continue to communicate - she said "what for? / unless we need to talk about the divorce" ... Oh well, I guess I was sort of glad she said that. I really have nothing else to say at this point. I am moving on. Any relationships I have in the future will be healthier and NEW - including if she & I decide to give it a try. The old relationship is over and can never return.

I decided to stop wearing my wedding ring. I ripped up pics of her in my wallet.

 

And, I feel better.

 

THANKS everyone. Peace!!

 

(Oh, I almost forgot - seeing a lawyer today!)

[seibert253]

Glad you're feeling better.

 

Man, YOU ROCK! Your meeting was fantastic. Probably didn't turn out exactly like you wished, but hey, now you know. Now you can move forward without looking back.

 

File, have her served, and move forward. In a week, you'll be surprised how better you feel.

 

What many say is true, you heal quicker if you cut bait, then trying to work through the A.

 

Love will come your way again, and it will probably be better the next time.

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm sorry you're going through this stress, it is very hard to lose someone you love.

I would like to say this, you said it seems like she's going through a "mid life crisis"<--- saying that takes the blame off of your responsibilities in the break-down on the marriage and puts it all on her.

Women RARELY leave a marriage just like that. She more than likely built up years of resentment and having someone else pay attention to her just made it easire to leave.

You say you worked on the issue with her son and saw the err of your ways, but only saw this once she left.

This says to me you're only changing to win her back but not changing for your own self.

No flowers, no lunch, she doesn't trust you or believed you changed.

You need to let her spread her wings. Work on your own shortcomings for you and not to win her back.

And I find it really interesting how people step up to the plate only after they lost someone they love. I bet she was complaining for years about your shortcoming and you never made an effort to change? Am I right?[/QUOTE]

 

NO, you are wrong RD66 --> She mentioned something to me only 1 time 2 years ago, and never made it seem like the M was in trouble. NEVER. I did make some improvements and made her promise to communicate about any disatisfactions that may arise going forward. She never did and the BAM, blindsided on d-day! I thought everything was perfect until the last 2 weeks or so before d-day. Even then I had no clue it had anything to do with me or the M.