The Martyr Syndrom

[Sanafa]

IMO, those who have not been married could not possibly understand anything about marriage. It is like someone who has never eaten... peering through a window of a restaurant... trying to imagine what's going on inside. One simply cannot.

 

So the original poster waxes philosophic on her martyred ex. IMO there are benefits of his marriage that he is apparently reluctant to share with her out of embarrassment ... how could her ex possibly admit to her... after 'sharing' what they 'shared' that there is really something more going on than he admits to? I believe his own ego is at play. If he were to admit that he's where he is out of absolute preference... it would bring himself down in her eyes... make him out to be a manipulative individual.... which, if vanity is an issue... would be an undesirable result.

 

And here I thought you were on vacation:rolleyes:

 

Please do NOT suggest I was doing anything other than what I was doing. I was sharing new opinions, ideas and that is all. STOP assuming you have any idea about us - it is arrogance at it's finest. Yet again, almost every poster ( other than Di and I who I mentioned in my original post) have left the " The poster blah blah blah" out of it.

 

And of course NO ONE who didn't take the vows could understand, god your arrogant!

 

My MM is not overly happy, his BS is not overly happy, I am not overly happy - this happens when Affairs come out. BUT if you read any post I have ever made - I am not one of those woman who's MM feed me how bad she was, or how bad his situation was - nor do I think they never had sex.

 

Go sell you condescending opinions to someone else, I believe I have said before - I am not a fan of your way of expressing yourself and less a fan of you telling me you know anything about me. By all means, move on.

[Sanafa]

I think my H did this too. He stayed so long "for the kids", and because the years of abuse had made him feel that that was what he was worth. It took the A, and hard work in IC, for him to shift that view.

 

My mother was a Martyr. She hated being M, hated having kids, hated having to be a SAHM and made sure everybody knew just how much suffering we were all putting her through - but never made any moves to address any of her unhappiness, just to spread it around. It does no one any favours. None of us were grateful that she stayed in the M, or stayed home "for us kids", or any of the other million sacrifices she allegedly made. We would far rather she took the high road of her own fulfillment, and allowed us to find our own happiness, too.

 

My father finally met someone, but stayed M too - "for the kids" - until we had left home, and then D'd my mother and married his OW. We just wished that ONE of them had had the courage to pull the plug on the M years before, rather than the continued damage staying M wrought on both of them - but also on us, as kids. When I see how happy my dad and his wife are now, many decades on, I can't help feeling a little resentful, cheated, that we weren't party to this as kids - that our chance of having at least one "happy home" was denied us because of parents who felt that DUTY outweighed their own personal rights to fulfilment, love and happiness.

 

Sanafa - it's good you're so clear sighted on this, and that you're holding him to account. It's one of life's ultimate ironies that men who claim to prioritise "their responsibilities" are so unwilling to accept the most important responsibility of all - the responsibility for their own happiness and fulfillment. Good luck!

 

Thanks OW

 

I think many here think I am making excuses for him - I am really not, in anyway shape or form. And to be honest, he hates it! He hates when I say ok you can't have both of these sentences " If It were a year from now, the result would have been different" and then in the next breath say " I'm not settling". They DON'T add up and I have called him on those and many other fence sitting statements ( even recently)

 

What I have NOW decided to do, is stop calling him on it - he needs to figure this out with his IC and not with me.

 

I also think many have a problem with the fact that I am not going to participate in the Affair, but am also not closing the door yet. Like I said, If I was a BS saying I would let him work on him or even on the " other relationship" people would be cheering me on saying he doesn't know what he is doing yet, on and on.

 

All I am saying is the last conversations have reinforced that he isn't at the decision making process. I am not saying it will be different, but that he is not there yet ( Most MM are not after Dday, let alone the enormousy of ours)

 

I am however not going to be a crutch or a shoulder... I am simply going to work on me and allow him to work on him .... and time will tell. I have made it very clear what that I would not go back and also that I will not share any more thoughts and feelings ( it is intimacy and that would be keeping it going).

 

OW...I didn't realize your MM also left and came back after ending ( not sure all of your story, so I apologize if I get it wrong). As for what you said about your parents, my Bfriend says the same thing.... all those years they battled thinking they were doing the right thing. Her parents divorced and all four are very good friends ( The D married his OW as well) and everyone got over it.

[donnamaybe]

As for this martyrdom nonsense... IMO it is nothing more than a pill for easing the pain of the OP and for pumping up the ego of the MP from that of a cheater to that of a martyr

 

Nailed it.

[movingforward]

Thanks OW

 

I think many here think I am making excuses for him - I am really not, in anyway shape or form. And to be honest, he hates it! He hates when I say ok you can't have both of these sentences " If It were a year from now, the result would have been different" and then in the next breath say " I'm not settling". They DON'T add up and I have called him on those and many other fence sitting statements ( even recently)

 

What I have NOW decided to do, is stop calling him on it - he needs to figure this out with his IC and not with me.

 

I also think many have a problem with the fact that I am not going to participate in the Affair, but am also not closing the door yet. Like I said, If I was a BS saying I would let him work on him or even on the " other relationship" people would be cheering me on saying he doesn't know what he is doing yet, on and on.

 

All I am saying is the last conversations have reinforced that he isn't at the decision making process. I am not saying it will be different, but that he is not there yet ( Most MM are not after Dday, let alone the enormousy of ours)

 

I am however not going to be a crutch or a shoulder... I am simply going to work on me and allow him to work on him .... and time will tell. I have made it very clear what that I would not go back and also that I will not share any more thoughts and feelings ( it is intimacy and that would be keeping it going).

 

OW...I didn't realize your MM also left and came back after ending ( not sure all of your story, so I apologize if I get it wrong). As for what you said about your parents, my Bfriend says the same thing.... all those years they battled thinking they were doing the right thing. Her parents divorced and all four are very good friends ( The D married his OW as well) and everyone got over it.

 

 

Sanafa -- I don't think anyone can judge how anyone feels when faced with what you're facing. If my A taught me anything it taught me compassion for every person in the triangle. Each person is suffering. There are many BS's on this site that want YOU to bear the brunt and to suffer alone. It's just not reality.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

[Devil Inside]

The more I think about this the more I think that I was not a martyr so much as I used elements of it to avoid the fear of the consequences of choosing either way.

 

So it's not like I was staying just for this or that...I was afraid to make a wrong decision either way.

[Devil Inside]

I think my H did this too. He stayed so long "for the kids", and because the years of abuse had made him feel that that was what he was worth. It took the A, and hard work in IC, for him to shift that view.

 

My mother was a Martyr. She hated being M, hated having kids, hated having to be a SAHM and made sure everybody knew just how much suffering we were all putting her through - but never made any moves to address any of her unhappiness, just to spread it around. It does no one any favours. None of us were grateful that she stayed in the M, or stayed home "for us kids", or any of the other million sacrifices she allegedly made. We would far rather she took the high road of her own fulfillment, and allowed us to find our own happiness, too.

 

My father finally met someone, but stayed M too - "for the kids" - until we had left home, and then D'd my mother and married his OW. We just wished that ONE of them had had the courage to pull the plug on the M years before, rather than the continued damage staying M wrought on both of them - but also on us, as kids. When I see how happy my dad and his wife are now, many decades on, I can't help feeling a little resentful, cheated, that we weren't party to this as kids - that our chance of having at least one "happy home" was denied us because of parents who felt that DUTY outweighed their own personal rights to fulfilment, love and happiness.

 

Sanafa - it's good you're so clear sighted on this, and that you're holding him to account. It's one of life's ultimate ironies that men who claim to prioritise "their responsibilities" are so unwilling to accept the most important responsibility of all - the responsibility for their own happiness and fulfillment. Good luck!

 

This post is extremely helpful. It is insightful to read what these marriages look like from the eyes of the children.

[Sanafa]

The more I think about this the more I think that I was not a martyr so much as I used elements of it to avoid the fear of the consequences of choosing either way.

 

So it's not like I was staying just for this or that...I was afraid to make a wrong decision either way.

 

 

Now that Di was pretty insightful!

 

I can see that, and can totally understand the fear that must be in the MM head as far as " What to do".

[Devil Inside]

Now that Di was pretty insightful!

 

I can see that, and can totally understand the fear that must be in the MM head as far as " What to do".

 

Looking back I call it being a "pussy"...or as Bent put it "a punk a$$ b!tch."

 

Not an attractive quality. I mean I got myself into this triangle..I should get out on my terms...but instead I sat there waiting for something to just happen so I could avoid the consequences of my actions.

 

This is probably the reason my xOW left...I mean if I couldn't make a decision either way how could I possibly man up to all the difficult times that would be in store for us if I left my family. I think she knew I couldn't handle it based on how I was handling that situations.

 

It sucks to say you didn't handle a situation like a man. That I let fear keep me paralyzed and with my eyes closed...but that is exactly what happened.

 

All I can do now is go from this point forth and do what I need to do.

[donnamaybe]

Sanafra,

 

Lovely doesnt sound silly to anyone being objective.

You are usually pretty good with all this.

 

I thought the same thing. So much vitriol, and I don't understand why.

[Sanafa]

Sanafra,

 

Lovely doesnt sound silly to anyone being objective.

You are usually pretty good with all this.

 

You're right I am usually pretty good at it.

 

What I don't like is the direct opinion on my and MM. Lovely does that more often than not.

 

What I was referring to was her statement that she was referring to "OP" in the general term, she clearly is not.

 

I like difference 2sure... lots in this thread and has been great... I don't like those placing judgement or assuming they know what is going on with someone simply because someone is throwing thoughts out there.

 

Very different... and that has always been a pet peeve..... always will be

[Snowflower]

Looking back I call it being a "pussy"...or as Bent put it "a punk a$$ b!tch."

 

Not an attractive quality. I mean I got myself into this triangle..I should get out on my terms...but instead I sat there waiting for something to just happen so I could avoid the consequences of my actions.

 

This is probably the reason my xOW left...I mean if I couldn't make a decision either way how could I possibly man up to all the difficult times that would be in store for us if I left my family. I think she knew I couldn't handle it based on how I was handling that situations.

 

It sucks to say you didn't handle a situation like a man. That I let fear keep me paralyzed and with my eyes closed...but that is exactly what happened.

 

All I can do now is go from this point forth and do what I need to do.

 

DI, didn't you say you confessed your affair to your wife? Doesn't that have some bearing on the type of person you are, if you confessed?

 

What you write above sounds like my H when he was in the middle of the situation that he created. He admits that he didn't know how to get out of it and that he was acting like a p*ssy. He sometimes wanted ME (the BW) to find out and take control of the situation he got himself involved in. To make him stop. Yeah, right.

 

Eventually he confessed to me...it took balls. And now that I look back, I still had to take control of the situation. If you confessed, DI, which I thought you said you did, that took guts so give yourself some credit.

 

Besides, you are on here doing enough self-introspection that you will learn and grow from your experience, of that I am sure.

 

I truly hope your marriage survives this crisis, if it is meant to be.

[2sure]

DI, didn't you say you confessed your affair to your wife? Doesn't that have some bearing on the type of person you are, if you confessed?

 

Ahem.

[Sanafa]

DI, didn't you say you confessed your affair to your wife? Doesn't that have some bearing on the type of person you are, if you confessed?

 

What you write above sounds like my H when he was in the middle of the situation that he created. He admits that he didn't know how to get out of it and that he was acting like a p*ssy. He sometimes wanted ME (the BW) to find out and take control of the situation he got himself involved in. To make him stop. Yeah, right.

 

Eventually he confessed to me...it took balls. And now that I look back, I still had to take control of the situation. If you confessed, DI, which I thought you said you did, that took guts so give yourself some credit.

 

Besides, you are on here doing enough self-introspection that you will learn and grow from your experience, of that I am sure.

 

I truly hope your marriage survives this crisis, if it is meant to be.

 

Well said Sunflower.

 

Let's face it, both the people involved in the A are showing less than desirable traits ( human, but not glowing).

 

And I think you are right, that if anything Di can at least say he told his W willingly, and I to believe that is a tough decision that does deserve positive consideration. It is few and far between that will risk everything twice ( once by losing the AP and then by telling the BS) and it does take courage.

[MistyK]

The more I think about this the more I think that I was not a martyr so much as I used elements of it to avoid the fear of the consequences of choosing either way.

 

So it's not like I was staying just for this or that...I was afraid to make a wrong decision either way.

 

This is pretty much what I'd hear from fMM, but it didn't really stop the tendency to feel like a martyr. A lot of his flip-flopping was the result of his fear of making a "wrong" choice. He couldn't bear to burn the bridge behind him because what if he needed it later? I think he needed to cling to the martyr image to not feel so awful about himself in being so indecisive and hurting everyone around him.

[Devil Inside]

DI, didn't you say you confessed your affair to your wife? Doesn't that have some bearing on the type of person you are, if you confessed?

 

What you write above sounds like my H when he was in the middle of the situation that he created. He admits that he didn't know how to get out of it and that he was acting like a p*ssy. He sometimes wanted ME (the BW) to find out and take control of the situation he got himself involved in. To make him stop. Yeah, right.

 

Eventually he confessed to me...it took balls. And now that I look back, I still had to take control of the situation. If you confessed, DI, which I thought you said you did, that took guts so give yourself some credit.

 

Besides, you are on here doing enough self-introspection that you will learn and grow from your experience, of that I am sure.

 

I truly hope your marriage survives this crisis, if it is meant to be.

 

I confessed the A to my wife.

 

I was referring to how I handled being in the A itself. This is where I allowed fear of the consequences to a situation I created to keep me sitting on that fence.

 

Telling my wife was much more in line with how I want to be.

 

Thanks for the kind words.

[2sure]

Sanafra - a previous post of mine was removed because it was considered inappropriate or unhelpful and I just wanted to apologize to you . It is possible the wording I chose did not convey my thought - which was simply that normally you are pretty open minded and not easily ruffled by either questions or criticism from other posters. In any event, I would not want you to think that I had any intent other than your well being.

[Tony]

Because of the number of reports out of this thread and the number of people who feel they were misinterpreted, I am locking this thread. There are some inappropriate posts still up but it doesn't need to go any father than this. Many thanks for your participation.

 

If you have problems with moderation of these forums, make a report or sent a PM. Thanks!