Lost love found but not happening!!

[honkas]

Hi! I am new to this forum so bear with me, but from what i have read i am hoping people will shed some of their experiences and light as to whether i have a chance with my x.

 

I met my x roughly 4 years ago at university. I was 20 and she was 22. We started dating and then going out. We have been going out for 4 years. Around March, i became distant from her, i was sad, depressed because of work problems. In June 2003 i broke it off with her, i told her i needed a break. She wasn't too happy and was quite scared that i was leaving her for good. I became interesed in a work mate and we started seeing each other for a couple of months but nothing sexual. During this time my x had left me alone to think. Around August/September my x found out that i was seeing someone else, she wasn't happy asked me to stop because she loved me too much and wanted to spend time with me helping me through my hard times at work, walk through life together etc. She said she would wait patiently for me to enter her life again. She was upset that i sought comfort in a workmate instead of her and therefore fell for the workmate.

 

Friends, relatives asked me to think about what i was doing. Really thinka about my x and her feelings, my feelings and this new girl. I did. I realised that i was just chasing after something new, exciting and missing out on the love, care, and strong bond in that i had with my x. I realised that i still had feelings for her, that i loved her deeply but didn't realise. So in September, i told my x that i would stop seeing the other girl. I told her it would take time but i would stop. We started to see each other more exclusively after that, things weren't the same but we were spending time together. However, the other girl rang a few times while my x was there and my x cracked! She went nuts! I assured her there was nothing happening, but she didn't believe me.

 

During this roller coaster time, my x started having emotional problems, she sought medical help and took antidepressants because of the relationship trauma. This i believe changed the nature of our relationship, she now can not reach her feelings she once had for me, she is just so unsure how she feels now. She says she is exhausted with the relationship. This has been further exhausted by the addition of a new man in her life. She is currently seeing him and has established a relationship with him, not just dating! I know she still has feelings for me because she has told me so, however, she said she just doesn't knwo what feelings they are! Strange?? She hasn't said she loved me for a while, but hasn't said she doesn't love me either. We still see each other 1-2 times a week, email a few times or sms. I bring her flowers, lunch, dinner and we talk about our relationship etc. She said it was strange that we can talk as if we had never broken up!! I know she still loves me but she won't admit it.

 

I don't know where i stand with her, she is just so confused. Is this new guy a rebound? A scare tactic? A bit of revenge? What are my chances when she is so confused? After 4 years of being close together can she really fall for someone else so quickly after stating she loved me and is willing to wait patiently for me? I did come back to her but now she is not responsive to me because she is in another relationship. What do i do?

[just_bella]

Hi there,

 

My story was kinda like yours.... My ex broke up with me due to lack of time for a relationship. He need to focus more in school. It seem like we were going to take a break. Be friends & still talk. But a few weeks later, He started seeing a new girl. We shared 4 yrs together. We had a very strong relationship. And he thought due to the pressures of school maybe it was time for a break.

 

In my heart, I would have waited for him. Becuz sad to say it but "I loved Him." And It broke my heart to find out he was seeing someone new. As if those 4 yrs never meant anything to him. Now I've lost all trust for him. I felt betraded by all of this. You said you didn't have time for me. Then you go off and get a new gf.

 

It has been 4 months now....now all the pain of my heart break is now replaced with hate for him.

 

I think maybe it is too late to mend this fence. Becuz it seems like your ex has suffered so much pain, maybe it would be best to move on for her sake. She needs time. And to love her one day & be confused the next might led her into a hospital. You have to know what you want. She seems very torn by all of this. But it is hard not feel lost after spending 4 yrs together. I think give her time to mend. Even if it means seeing other people. Sometimes the comfort of others will make her realize how great she had it.

[honkas]

Thanks.

 

Do i not contact her at all. I have told her want i want. I want her back. I want to start from scratch again and be the man in her life, the only man and she can be the only woman in my life. I want her!! She knows that.

 

I guess what she has to do is sort out her feelings. I have also told her that i will give her time to think about it. I know that she is going away for christmas with the new guy and spending time with his family too. Not really sure what that means for her, for me, for 'us'?? But i guess she is obliged to go because she has already agreed.

 

I am trying to give her time to think about it, despite it being so hard to do. Sometimes i don't call her, othertimes i can't help myself. She calls me sometimes too.. it's so odd because whenever she calls i expect that she wants something apart from just chatting, sometime she just chats the other times she wants something.

 

We still spend time together, have lots of laughs and she doesn't even get angry when i pinch/grab her butt, even though she says i shouldn't do it because she is with another guy.. she still laughs..

 

Am i just a fool that is being used??

[just_bella]

You 're only a fool in love.

 

 

I know it is hard to walk away. And it make those feelings for her stronger if you still seeing her. I am not sure if you are being used. Becuz you two did have a relationship together. But then again it seems like she is having her cake & eating too. She is still going out with you & has a new guy in her life. This other guy isn't bother by you still being in your life. It must bother her a bit if she ask you not to touch her becuz of his feelings.

 

Some one is going to get hurt. She needs to sort her life out. Becuz it seems like she might miss your company & enjoy hanging out with. She can't be in that emotion place of a relationship with you. So she must seek that out with another guy.

 

I know you love her. But maybe it is time to let go.

[honkas]

Thanyou.

 

I guess it has been hard to admit to myself that she can live without me because i can't live without her. Maybe i should try and live without her. I have tried so hard, and to think that 4 yrs together and she can't even try but i guess she feels no trust for me, betrayed and scared.

 

I guess in 4 months time maybe all my love for her will be replaced with something else. Hate, regret, depression! I honestly don't know. For the first time in my life i feel without purpose. She was my rock, my other half and now it is gone.

 

I guess you are right.. If i keep seeing her my feelings become even stronger for her.. and at the moment i can't let that keep happening to myself. I guess for the last month she has been having her cake and eating it too. Lucky girl!!

 

I can feel that i am the one to get hurt so i may aswell reduce that hurt by realising now, by reducing contact. Let her sort out her life too. I just hope that she misses my company, the fun times when hanging out together. I honestly do and i guess at the moment she can't be in that emotional place with me because of her relationship.

 

I will try and let go! Harder to do than say!! However, we have already planned to go to my work christmas party together, she also wants to help me move into my new house. Should i tell her that it is not good for us to be doing these things together anymore? That she should sort out her life! Decide who and what she wants? I know she is spending this time with me after the next couple of weeks during the weekends because her new guy is going overseas for 2 weeks. Am i again being used?

 

I have started to take up some hobbies. . Am even studying. Any other suggestions on how to move on without her?

[just_bella]

Speaking from someone who went through a similar situation. She was hurt by your actions. Sometimes we do thing not realizing our actions. And now she seeks the comfort of another guy to help ease the pain from the relationship. I know from me, I would love to have been friends with him. But in reality sometimes that too is too painful. Becuz I am so hurt by his actions. I've lost all hope & trust in him to start again.

 

I think she needs time to realize what she wants....you or him. It might be hard but slow walk away. Tell her you don't need help with the move. Maybe once you aren't around she will realize how much you mean to her. Becuz keeping contact is no fair for you. She is still hurting you emotionally. I know you enjoy being around her. And maybe she enjoys being with you. But there is another person in the picture. So until he slips out of the picture you will always be backup buddy.

 

It is strange, but I feel there might be hope left for you two. Why else would she enjoy being out with you. Just take it slow, you just need to build her trust up again in you. Then she might be able to get back the emotional bound you once shared.

[honkas]

Thankyou.

 

I understand what i did hurt her very deeply, so deeply that i am not sure she can trust me again. Only time will tell. I am aware that being friends is very painful and knowing she is with someone else painful for me too. The longer it goes on with the other guy the more painful it will get for me but i must live with what i have done for the rest of my life and that is the most painful thing of all, to have lost someone i dearly love because of my silly actions.

 

I will try and walk away slowly. Quite hard but am trying! i haven't called her for the last couple of days or emailed her which is good. She has been the one contacting me, and we have met in person (not a good move hey??) for dinner, my suggestion but she was happy to go to. The next few weeks will be interesting when her guy leaves for overseas. I will try to let her think by herself during this critical moment before he comes back and she spends Christmas with his family and new years with him. I will be away for new years aswell, so we definetly won't be able to contact each other.

 

For some silly reason, I don't think she has lost all hope of being with me again or there being an 'us', i really don't, i think that she relates her love to me through her hurting that she went through, and with the antidepressents the hurt isn't so great and therefore she doesn't feel to much anymore. I do know she has lost lots of trust in me, whether that is completely lost i don't know and probably will never know. I can feel sometimes that she would like to give me a chance, but doesn't know how to let the other guy down gently and i guess i can only give her time. For her, she wants to know if i am the 'real deal' and not just a knee jerk reaction to her behaviour. Only time will tell this also. Time! Time! Time!!

 

How do i go building her trust again slowly, whilst giving her time, when something like this has happened?

[honkas]

Some very interesting revelatins have come about.

 

It was my 25th B'day a couple of days ago. I went out for dinner with my x to a nice restaurant with a fantastic view. During the drive home, she slept in my car. As i arrived at her house, she awoke and just lay in my car...

 

We started talking... one thing led to another and wham bam thankyou mam... I asked her if she understood what she was about to do as she is with another man at the moment.. she said she understood and new what she wanted... she said to me she 'wanted to make love'... can a woman say that and just think of it as 'sex' like a male can... and after our intimate moments together... she started to cry.. she really started to tear... i was really worried that i had done something wrong.. but she said me it wasn't me... she said she missed the feeling of being so close to me intimately... she started to reflect the emotional break-up etc.. we talked very openly once again after...

 

she said she is still confused.. does miss me.. she said she is not sure if she can give a second chance, but is too scared that i will leave her again.. i have reassured her i won't.. that i don't want to leave her, that i wouldn't... because this is what i truly feel..

 

i am confused... i am not sure exactly y she did what she did, and i am not sure if i am just being used??

 

How can i reassure her i don't want to leave her? How can i reassure her she can feel secure with me??