FeelingLonely98 Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 My mid-40s unemployed (since APR '09) W gave me the bombshell 30 days ago --> She loves me but is not "in love", she wants to move out, get a divorce. (Together 15 years, married 6 / me: two kids 16&17 , her: 1 son 19 / none together) Said she couldn't move out now because of no job and no money and still stayed in the house with me, in the same bed. 10 days later I found out about another guy (19 yrs. old!). Confronted her, she admitted it. I gave her an ultimatum - leave now or end it with the other guy and start trying to make our marriage work. The next day day she agreed to "try" to make it work. We went to two MC sessions, did a lot of stuff together, but nothing coming from her felt bonding or intimate. 4 & ½ days after that (12 days ago) she said she was giving up and she left to live at her Mom's house. Says she is certain of her decision. Wants to get a job and her own apartment. She is seeing the 19 yr old kid again. It has affected my relationship with my kids, my job, family. Lost 30 lbs. in 30 days. Slowly getting out of that funk now though. I realized the errors of my ways and feel I really have fixed them. I will always be aware of them. (Stupid opinionated controlling issues that give me no satisfaction. Always had to make the safe, conservative, right decision. Phooey!) I went through all the typical stages and I am now practicing NC and trying 180. Trying to take care of me now. If she finds her way back and I still want her she will have a new, different, changed, better husband. For now I still want nothing more than her back and the marriage to really work. 2 Questions: 1. Any advice for me? [FONT=Arial Unicode MS][sIZE=3]2.[/sIZE][/FONT] When (if?) she comes for her stuff - how does that work? I asked for her key when she left. Do I help her pack? Do I leave her alone in the house that day? Just be there and let her do what she needs? I'm confused and would love advice from those that have gone thru this. Thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 You haven't fixed your ways. Fundamental psychological change takes time, work and, often, professional help. You've fixed the obvious 'stuff' that she's been complaining about. That (the underlying psychology) all comes from a much deeper place. I can't help with the packing stuff. My best friend and I moved all my stbx's (our) stuff to her new house. She packed boxes and we moved the heavy stuff. Part of my therapy, watching all the stuff I worked so hard for leave and learning to feel positive about it. Learning that stuff is just stuff. Your situation is different, with her involved with a guy young enough to be your/her son. Personally, I wouldn't be around unless I could be there in a calm and positive manner. There are no winners here, only levels of losers. My sympathies.... BTW, an empty house isn't so bad. I'm getting in the mood to decorate once I have some money LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 27, 2009 Share Posted September 27, 2009 If she finds her way back and I still want her ... you don't have to worry about her coming back, probably best to resign yourself to that and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 probably true Alpha...! nevertheless - u never know, I'm not revolving my life around that moment that is less than likely to happen.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 Carhill: You haven't fixed your ways. -- > Oh, I really really feel I've had the 2nd revelation and trnsformation of my life and yes, I've fixed the "obvious stuff" but I really feel I've fixed or at the very least recognized the underlying deeper psychology. Three days after she left I packed her bathroom stuff (sprays, lotions, perfumes, ETC.) into a couple of boxes and offered to take it to her Mom's place. I thought it was a nice gesture and she took it wrong. She came here to pick it up and said she didn't have room for this stuff at her Mom's and she guessed she would have to get a rental storage place. I told her that no, I didn't mean that and she could keep it here and I wouldn't pressure her to move it out. In a way, I am thinking that if she did want to speak about a reconciliation then all the stuff being taken out would only hinder that? Probably hurt things more than helping at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Pack her things, put them in the garage, if you have one, or in the attic. Let her know they are there if she wants them. But, I wouldn't hold onto them for long, say 30days. Especially if she's still seeing the other dude. You need to stand tall and be proud. 180 and NC. Once the fantasy of the A wears off, or she gets hit in the head with the 2X4 or reality, she may be back. But chances are, once they leave, that's it, it's done. Does her family know what's going on. I bet they're only getting her side of it. A mid 40's women whoring around with a 19yr old. I don't think they'd be too pleased if they knew that. This is war my friend. You don't fight a war to be nice, you fight to win. Your W started this, you finish it. 180, NC, and after 30 days, file for D. That's my .02 worth. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Leave, done. Family (hers), forget them. OP, IMO, don't even touch her stuff. Leave it. My favorite? Tampons You think you have it figured out. Yeah, so did I. I thought I was pretty smart. The good psychologist took me down a few notches. Get some IC and you'll see what I mean. Do it for you. Forget her, for now. She's banging someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Leave, done. Family (hers), forget them. OP, IMO, don't even touch her stuff. Leave it. My favorite? Tampons You think you have it figured out. Yeah, so did I. I thought I was pretty smart. The good psychologist took me down a few notches. Get some IC and you'll see what I mean. Do it for you. Forget her, for now. She's banging sovrymeone else. Vets know Vets! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 Wow guys!! Sobering comments ... Guess I need them??? It's just that my W has re-written the last few years from a mostly good or great marriage to one where she says she didn't love me for the last few years. I guess it makes her feel less guilty than to say than the OP came along and I decided I don't love you and want to explore another option. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Rationalization. Saw that in MC. Even did a bit of it myself. Good psychologist can get through that to the real stuff. The stuff *you* need to work on. Forget her. You can't control or influence any aspect of her. Trying to do so will make you insane. Save yourself Link to post Share on other sites
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