fernperry Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 My husband and I have been married 3 years and been together for 5. We have 3 children. Our sex life has always been great until about a year ago when my husband started staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning watching porn. Not long after that started I began finding " Dirty" washclothes next to his recliner in the mornings. He has stopped talking to me, kissing me or even cuddling me. When I hug him he pats me on the back and steps away as quickly as possible. Lately he has been finding excuses to leave the house in the evenings. I am a house wife that lives about 25 miles from town on a cattle ranch. I really look forward to him coming home so I can have someone to talk to other than the kids. But lately he has been out of the house 5 out of 7 nights a week. Our sex life is non existant anymore unless I'm "Going To Do Something To Him, Hee Hee". I have tried to talk to him on several occasions about whats going on and he either just smiles at me or acts like I didn't say anything. Last night I told him how it was really hurting me and making me feel very insecure. He said he would stop, no big deal, kissed me on the cheek and told me he loved me. This morning I went to do the laundry in the basement and in a basket full of sheets I found a used washclothe stashed in the bottom. He was hiding it from me. I tried to get him to notice me by doing the "New Woman" thing. That my best friend suggested. I cut 6 inches off my hair, had it highlighted and spent way too much money on a new nighty. He didn't even notice my hair until 3 days later and a neighbor stopped by and told me how great it looked. It seems he prefers porn and masturbation to me. I don't know what to do with him short of throwing a book at his head. I love him to death and don't want to leave him. So any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 27, 2003 Share Posted November 27, 2003 Are you sure he's watching porn and not talking to someone online? It sounds much more as though he's having an affair to me. Have a read of this site: http://www.chatcheaters.com/internet-addiction.html Link to post Share on other sites
Faerie Princess Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 And there's a lot of anger about being cheated on. In most cases where someone is going outside the marriage for romance or sex, it's because they feel they can't get what they want inside the marriage. That may not be due to your actions, but instead to some pre-conceived notions and beliefs that your spouse has. Maybe in his world view you are supposed to struggle and raise the kids, but having fun together and being friends and lovers isn't something married people do. That he doesn't want to discuss what is going on would be my first indicator that something is going on. If you want to fix it and stay married you might have to focus less on what he's done or doing and more on what you can do together to have a better relationship. That doesn't mean he shouldn't be honest with you. If he's having a chat affair, if he's having a real-world affair, if he's just stressed and jerking off to porn, he needs to be honest with you. Now, he should be able to have some comfort with his own sexuality and still be a loving and caring sex/romance partner to you. It sounds like he's not showing you attention and that's not really kewl. A good marriage usually means a good sex life as well as living together. I'd also look really harshly and critically at my own behavior. Are you giving to him? Do you focus on what he needs and wants? Do you listen to him? Answer these questions as realistically as you can. Think to your behavior, and how you've interacted. Now think about how you're taking care of yourself? What kind of person do you want to be? Are you nurturing that person and helping yourself grow? What kind of relationship do you want with your husband? What would you like to do with him? How would you like to communicate and interact? Now ask him the same. What does he want? What would he like to have? Can you share your lives? Can you share porn with him if it's a hobby he really digs? Can he share something you really dig? You may get to a point where you're unable to further communicate. It may be that you need a professional third party to help your dialogue develop. But if your being married to him is important, working out your communication problems is key. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fernperry Posted November 30, 2003 Author Share Posted November 30, 2003 My husband was referred to this website by one of his sisters. She said, is this you? The change in him has been dramatic. The last few days its been just like the beginning of our relationship. He hasn't told me he's seen this yet though. His sister told me she'd read it and told him he should check it out. I checked my history and bam! there it was at 2 a.m. when I am most definitly asleep. He has started helping around the house, took us out with him and has been coming to bed nights to be with me. I catch him staring at me, with a smile on his face. I think that he finally has heard me. Thanks so much to those who replied and thanks to this web site. Link to post Share on other sites
angelgirl Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 My response to your problem with your husband is to stop wondering what he is doing and to find out! If he is cheating on you, -- you need to find out. He could be giving you a disease. If he is talking to woman on the internet, you can buy a program called SpectorSoft at http://www.spectorsoft.com and install it on his computer and when he is at work, go back and see exactly what he is doing, why wonder, when you can know. I installed this program and caught my husband looking at other men. When I confronted him about it, he said he was just curious what they did, go figure that one. I don't know how to tell when my husband is lying, I do everything I can to find out, but I have a hard time trusting him. Any advice is appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Faerie Princess Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Well, he could be interested. Did he have or admit to any bi tendancies when you first got to know each other? My advice to anyone is to communicate. Communication entails listening as well as talking, learning trust and being open and honest, with yourself as well as your partner. Get to know your own fears and motivations, and you'll be better able to talk to your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
lady_vampiress200 Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, you will need more and harder porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. Your husband needs to admit to himself first of all he has a serious problem which is not only affecting his relationship with u but he is also hurting u mentally, by being addicted to it as if it was a drug putting it b4 u, ignoring all ur needs for his affections, sex and attention and even romantic acts such a romantic dinners/baths on a regualr basis with u, which is esstential to keep ur relationship health and happy. so u need to communicate this to him and tell him everything ur feeling, and how its hurting u and effecting ur relationship and closeness and openesswith him since he is obviously lying to u and holding back things from u which is in effect lying and keeping secrets which is not only destructive for him cos his feeling ashamed and guity about it which affects ur closeness and communication with him, but also hurts u cos his lying to u which is destructive for a marriage. u need to for one make him see what his doing his hurting ur marriage and u and if he carried on lying to u and avoiding being intimate with u in everyway possible that u will get a divorce or atleast separate from him till he gets his act together, commuicate this to them not leaving things out, and make him see this isnt something small its hurting u and u feel not only neglected but unattractive and not good enough for him. what u need to also do to get things back on track is 2)see a councillor/therapist together and separatly to get the help he desperatly needs. 3)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues he has with this porn and his addiction to it usually is spritual as well as physical. 4)spend intimate time together just the two of u with out the kids. Whever its going out to a party, restaurant, making a romantic gesture such as make a dinner/bath bath together for u both under candle light, these are good romantic getures, going out, open communication and haveing fun together are very important in order to keep ur relationship healthy and stable otherwise u wont have that closeness, intimacy and attention to ur needs which u are obviously lacking. here are some sites I looked up which may help u and to help ur husband get pass this addiction, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/index.htm, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/This...of_the_Wall.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/Prayer.htm http://www.firesofdarkness.com/DearHearts2.htm http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html http://www.sexualintegrity.org/addiction/ http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/ Link to post Share on other sites
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